I'm dating 3 people, they are all just dating me because there is no other option better right now, they dont want to build, I have accepted this. I am not sure of what I want, and I care for them and they care for me so I keep seeing them, its casual sex/dating ig. They are boo, shorty and Bev, boo has kind of committed by committing to not leave me if he finds someone else but acknowledge that he wants a triad with 2 women and I dont want that. Shorty is clearly keeping me while he cant find anyone else and is looking but clearly cares about and respects me, I reall want shorty to commit to not leaving me when shorty finds someone else because this has happened before amd he left me but he came back. What I would like is them to keep doing what they want but treat me in ways partners would like giving me gifts and doing sweet things for me, and I would do the same. And we could commit to not leaving each other (I'm aware that could change at any time like any commitment). Maybe I'm spoiled by my kids dad who always did sweet things for me. Boo who is emotionally intelligent has told me hardly anyone wants that, people are waiting to fall in love and be with one person. I know I cant change the people I'm with, I'm basically just focusing on raising my kids and healing emotionally so I'm kind of keeping this situation for now and not really looking. Its frustrating how they will only do sweet things if they are in a relationship ( I think most people are like this) i dont like how it has to be all or nothing , I was in a relationship with shorty for like a month and he did so many sweet things for me and now that's changed
Commitment
- Thread starter Violet77
- Start date
Hi Violet,
It sounds like you are wanting more of a commitment from your three people, you want them to promise they won't leave you when they find someone else, and you want them to do sweet things for you, like they would if you were their partner, but they won't do this. Have they said why they won't do this? Does it have something to do with the fact that there are three of them, do they want you to choose, do they want it to be just one? Is it because they only want a casual relationship with you? Also, you talked about Shorty and Boo, and what they are willing to do, but you didn't talk about Bev. Could you talk about Bev, and what Bev is willing to do?
You need to have a talk with your three people, and tell them you want more of a commitment, and you want them to do sweet things for you. Tell Shorty he used to do sweet things for you, and you would like him to do that again.
Good luck!
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
It sounds like you are wanting more of a commitment from your three people, you want them to promise they won't leave you when they find someone else, and you want them to do sweet things for you, like they would if you were their partner, but they won't do this. Have they said why they won't do this? Does it have something to do with the fact that there are three of them, do they want you to choose, do they want it to be just one? Is it because they only want a casual relationship with you? Also, you talked about Shorty and Boo, and what they are willing to do, but you didn't talk about Bev. Could you talk about Bev, and what Bev is willing to do?
You need to have a talk with your three people, and tell them you want more of a commitment, and you want them to do sweet things for you. Tell Shorty he used to do sweet things for you, and you would like him to do that again.
Good luck!
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
But then again, you haven't accepted it!
Good luck to Boo! That is a common male fantasy, to find 2 bi women who will perform sexually with each other in bed for his pleasure. Finding a long term triad like that is extremely difficult. He'd be lucky to find 2 female lovers who are willing and able to be friends.
Boo is right. Polyamory is a new kind of configuration, and we are all pioneers. The movement is growing, but, even in progressive cities, finding people who truly understand, enjoy and practice polyamory properly are scarcer than hen's teeth.
People are gradually finding out that monogamy is common but really doesn't often work long term. How many truly happy marriages are out there, after a few decades of marriage? The divorce rate is 50%, and many long term marriages are very unhappy.
I understand and relate to your plight. What you want is one or more real "boyfriends" who are involved in your life, will give you gifts and acts of service, and vice versa. But all you are finding are men who want to use you for sex.
My only advice is, enjoy the sex, and keep looking for other poly people. If you date online, you can start an OK Cupid account, and explain upfront that you're poly, and what kind of configuration you are looking for.
Sometimes casual relationships do deepen, though. You just can't force that to happen.
Your kids' needs do come first, of course. Some people don't date when their kids are young, much less attempt to date more than one person simultaneously. Do a search on kids and poly here to see how people attempt to do that.
Have your lovers met your kids?
Response to Kevin and magdlyn thank you
Thanks for listening and replying, it means so much to me! They dont want a relationship because they dont want to build with me. I havent known bev for long and we see each other infrequently, he wanted a relationship but right away and only because he was worried about STDs, so he was not ok with an open relationship either.
I agree I should talk to them about my want of sweet things. But I'm pretty sure they all feel that those things are reserved for relationships, and shorty will say he was doing those things when we where together and now were just fwb so he is not inclined.
Good point, I haven't really accepted it like I said but I am trying to cope and learn to accept and it's getting easier slowly. Yea, I hope boo can get what he wants too but i know its very hard to get, amd its frustrating to me when someone just wants a very specific thing and wont settle for anything else.
Thanks for the advice about poly dating!
Also boo told me there are way more ppl that want a 3 person relationship where their all together now then ppl who are together and have other seperate relationships.
Shorty has met my kids but he dosnt want to be around them now becasue he is so off and on and he witnessed someone treat his mom like that when he was a kid, his step dad would come and go and he didnt want to treat my kids like that, it's sad because when we first started dating we would do things with the kids.
Any way thank you so much for being here to listen, there is no other resource like this and yall are so emotionally Intelligent
Thanks for listening and replying, it means so much to me! They dont want a relationship because they dont want to build with me. I havent known bev for long and we see each other infrequently, he wanted a relationship but right away and only because he was worried about STDs, so he was not ok with an open relationship either.
I agree I should talk to them about my want of sweet things. But I'm pretty sure they all feel that those things are reserved for relationships, and shorty will say he was doing those things when we where together and now were just fwb so he is not inclined.
Good point, I haven't really accepted it like I said but I am trying to cope and learn to accept and it's getting easier slowly. Yea, I hope boo can get what he wants too but i know its very hard to get, amd its frustrating to me when someone just wants a very specific thing and wont settle for anything else.
Thanks for the advice about poly dating!
Also boo told me there are way more ppl that want a 3 person relationship where their all together now then ppl who are together and have other seperate relationships.
Shorty has met my kids but he dosnt want to be around them now becasue he is so off and on and he witnessed someone treat his mom like that when he was a kid, his step dad would come and go and he didnt want to treat my kids like that, it's sad because when we first started dating we would do things with the kids.
Any way thank you so much for being here to listen, there is no other resource like this and yall are so emotionally Intelligent
Some people look for a FMF triad for literally decades. Often it's an established MF couple looking for a hot bi babe, a hbb. They are so rare, non-existent, we call them unicorns. Sadly, mainstream media almost always depicts polyamory as a FMF triad, since that sells. It's the most common male fantasy.
It also stems from the form of Open relationship called swinging, where one established MF couple often wants to share one other woman.
You're welcome. Give OKC a go. You might find the right kind of person out there for you. Or people.
As I said, it's an extremely common fantasy. If you read this board, where there are posts going over about the last 15 years, you'll find the reality of poly is much different than that fantasy.
It's one thing to want. It's something else to find it and make it work. A triad is 3 Vs stacked up. The dynamics are extremely complicated, and they usually crash and burn rather spectacularly.
Glad you found us. And yes, we are! It takes a certain kind of person to practice polyamory, and the most important things are honesty, respect, compassion (compersion), and communication.
tealheron11
New member
I don’t have any advice, just wanted to share that I’m going through something similar and relate a lot to what you are saying. It’s hurtful and feels unfair that their love could suddenly be taken away.
Another thing is I have no say basically in when I see shorty, he just texts when he feels like it and ignores me when he feels like it. He will only see me if he initiates, I've tried and every time I initiate he cancels or just pulls away and makes excuses. I still keep seeing me when he wants but it's frustrating, I'm trying to learn to accept it amd its working slowly with mindfulness. He is schizophrenic so that helps to explain his behavior and helps me deal with it. Another thing I find about people who understand true poly is there arent very many black and brown people involved, and I'm attracted to black amd brown people.
It sounds like you have a few challenges of things to get used to in poly. Shorty has the control over when you can see him, and when you can talk to him, and he exercises that control. You could ask him to let you have some control, but he is schizophrenic so you really can't expect a change in that area. All you can do is learn to accept it and that is a gradual process, it's understandable that you would get frustrated sometimes.