Committed foursome (MF/MF)

SKGK

New member
First, I don’t know all of the proper terminology, so forgive me in advance.

I have been married to my husband for 18 years. We have three children. We decided to get into swinging a few years back. Joined a website, hooked up with some people. On this site we met a couple that we originally planned to hook up with strictly for sex. Our first meeting was just to get to know them at a bar for drinks. Long story short, we are now in a relationship with this couple and only this couple. We don’t have sex as a group.

For ease of understanding the story, we will call the other couple Brad and Kelsey. Brad is now my boyfriend and Kelsey is my husbands girlfriend. I am in love with Brad and Brad me, and the same for my husband and Kelsey. We hang out as a group together, dinner/drinks. Our kids are friends. We do sleepovers with the grown ups and kids. Children are young so they don’t question things.

I live in a home with my husband and children, and Brad and Kelsey live about 30 minutes away with their children. We get together usually about three times a week, alternating sleepover homes on the weekends. On weeknights, it’s just a hangout after the kids are in bed, where we go to our respective rooms and talk, connect and usually have sex.

Kelsey and I are friends and talk/text as such, and the same goes for my husband and Brad. We celebrate one another (all four) and are all genuinely there to support one another. We go on individual as well as group dates, but we are a committed foursome. We have done long weekend trips with our combined families, being discreet in the presence of others.

I have scoured the internet and I am coming up empty handed finding others in the situation we are in. I would love to connect with others who are in a situation like mine. I am very in love with Brad and can’t imagine my life without him, or my husband. Are the odds against us to think this could be a forever type of situation?
 
Welcome! It sounds like you have navigated a quad well so far and are making it work. The dynamic sounds healthy with each dyad having quality alone time. You’ve worked out the kids' schedules (for now; things may or may not change as they age), and seem happy with this arrangement.

The relationships are
you + husband
you +Brad
Kelsey + Brad
Kelsey + husband
you + Kelsey (meta)
Brad + husband (meta)
all 4 as a quad

Are the odds against us to think this could be a forever type of situation?
It looks like you are dealing with 7 relationships. Is this difficult? Yes. The more people involved the more difficult it is. Finding one person to be together with forever is nearly impossible, given the divorce rate. I prefer to think of it as loving the relationship until you don’t any more. Each relationship is important and will teach you something, so it's worth your time and effort. If it lasts forever, great! But if it doesn’t, it’s not a failure. It’s an opportunity for growth and finding a new relationship that fits for who you have grown into.

Just try to enjoy it. Don’t put future pressure on it or try to make it fit into a box. If you are happy where it’s at, then keep being happy where it’s at. Trying to push it into any type of fantasy or expectation could be a relationship killer if everyone doesn’t feel the same or have the same expectations/fantasy.
 
Hi SKGK,

Welcome to the board. I moved your thread to a different forum where you may get more responses, since it went beyond a simple introduction.

I just wanted to say that I agree with what Bobbi said. Quads and triads that are healthy and work out long term are pretty rare in polyamory because of the multiple relationships amongst the whole. So many moving parts. And you've got kids too!

I do recall we had one regular some years back who was in a quad. His name was Ariakis. Maybe you could search his name. One of the partners in his quad fell out of love with one or more of her partners and became dissatisfied with being a part of things, and the whole quad fell apart. I don't remember any details more than that. But that is the most common way for group r'ships to fall apart, having one member fall out of love with someone and it all goes unbalanced and the other members can't seem to sustain things comfortably.

You don't say how long your group has been together. If it's been working well for years, and there are no big frictions, everyone is deeply in love with both their partners, and the metas are good friends too, I don't see why you couldn't continue this way.
 
Hello SKGK,

A quad can be quite a challenging configuration, there are so many moving parts, however, you seem to be handling your situation in a positive and healthy way. I am in a three-person setup (an MFM V), and it has been quite complex in the past; however, it's all part of our comfortable normal today. I don't know how long you've been with Brad and Kelsey. They say "First year forming, second year storming, third year norming." Maybe you are in your first year.

In any case I hope Polyamory.com can help.
Kevin T.
 
Hi SKGK,

I have found myself in a very similar situation. I'm a 10+ year (off and on) veteran of ethical non-monogamy, and have always considered myself poly, but have not had partners who were supportive of forming deeper relationships with play partners. About three years ago, my husband "Knotty" and I entered into the lifestyle as swingers together; we never intended to "date," but rather to enjoy sexual encounters together and separately.

This year, we met Lee & Rachel. They were part of our larger friend group, and relatively new to non-monogamy. We really hit it off, and began spending more and more time together. While none of us can recollect when it became "official," we both fell in love with our new partners. Similarly, we are two MF/MF couples who enjoy time together with all four of us, but also date (Knotty&Rachel, Magick&Lee) solo. We openly discuss our love for one another, support each other's relationships, and have a great friendship between all four of us. Our teenage children are also friends and classmates, so integrating our two families has come quite naturally. We have regularly scheduled nights 3-4 times a week dedicated to each other, and have a pretty solid routine. It has now been close to six months since we met and I can't imagine our lives any other way.

On one hand, I'm hopeful for this to become a long-term relationship, and I'm cautiously optimistic... on the other, I do fear what happens if one (or more) of the four of us have a change of heart along the way, and what that will mean, for not only the quad, but for our marriages and duos. But it has been a beautiful blessing to have more love in our lives, and I'm hoping for the best.

I am wishing you luck on your journey, as well, and am here if you would ever like to discuss further. I'm always up for learning from others in similar situations. Much love!!!

#QuadSquad
 
That’s amazing. I’m so happy to hear that you all are navigating things well.

Do your teenage children know about your situation?
 
Welcome! It sounds like you have navigated a quad well so far and are making it work. The dynamic sounds healthy with each dyad having quality alone time. You’ve worked out the kids' schedules (for now; things may or may not change as they age), and seem happy with this arrangement.

The relationships are
you + husband
you +Brad
Kelsey + Brad
Kelsey + husband
you + Kelsey (meta)
Brad + husband (meta)
all 4 as a quad


It looks like you are dealing with 7 relationships. Is this difficult? Yes. The more people involved the more difficult it is. Finding one person to be together with forever is nearly impossible, given the divorce rate. I prefer to think of it as loving the relationship until you don’t any more. Each relationship is important and will teach you something, so it's worth your time and effort. If it lasts forever, great! But if it doesn’t, it’s not a failure. It’s an opportunity for growth and finding a new relationship that fits for who you have grown into.

Just try to enjoy it. Don’t put future pressure on it or try to make it fit into a box. If you are happy where it’s at, then keep being happy where it’s at. Trying to push it into any type of fantasy or expectation could be a relationship killer if everyone doesn’t feel the same or have the same expectations/fantasy.
Thank you for the advice and positive encouragement!
 
I don’t know if this will be a helpful comment, but my husband and I (M/M) had an unofficial (but known by our friends, as they called us the quad) relationship with another (M/M) couple before we’d even heard the term poly or knew anything about it. We’ll call me Liam and my hubby is Adam. The other couple, we’ll call Charlie and Sean.

They were new to town, and we all just totally hit it off one night when we met. We were all physically attracted to each other, but particularly Charlie and me, and Adam and Sean. We would have dates or sex one-on-one, or as a group. We’d travel together. Sean and I both had non-traditional schedules, so we’d go biking or go out to microbrews. They came along on Adam’s birthday trip and everything. It was really good.

Unfortunately, one of them had a significant crisis in his family and that led them to break up, so the whole situation came to an end. But I guess what I’m trying to say (in my typical long-winded fashion) is that quads can be fun and very rewarding (we didn’t even know we were in one lol), but there are just a ton of moving parts.
 
I don’t know if this will be a helpful comment, but my husband and I (M/M) had an unofficial (but known by our friends, as they called us the quad) relationship with another (M/M) couple before we’d even heard the term poly or knew anything about it. We’ll call me Liam and my hubby is Adam. The other couple, we’ll call Charlie and Sean.

They were new to town, and we all just totally hit it off one night when we met. We were all physically attracted to each other, but particularly Charlie and me, and Adam and Sean. We would have dates or sex one-on-one, or as a group. We’d travel together. Sean and I both had non-traditional schedules, so we’d go biking or go out to microbrews. They came along on Adam’s birthday trip and everything. It was really good.

Unfortunately, one of them had a significant crisis in his family and that led them to break up, so the whole situation came to an end. But I guess what I’m trying to say (in my typical long-winded fashion) is that quads can be fun and very rewarding (we didn’t even know we were in one lol), but there are just a ton of moving parts.
Thank you for sharing your story. Even though it didn’t work out in the end for the quad, it’s always good to hear about others who have been in the same situation.
 
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