When on dates with my partner, she sometimes texts messages or sends Marco Polo videos to her other sweeties. I believe when on a date with a person, one should focus on that date & not be on a cell messaging others. I also believe one should not generally be all up in their cell when on a date, checking Facebook & the like. I think these are common courtesies & am looking for validation or helpful feedback here. My partner instead sees it as jealous & controlling when I ask her to please not contact her other sweeties & to please stop checking Facebook. She does it while I'm in the restroom but usually continues as I return. She has now started to go to another room to take care of something & I hear her on the phone. When I ask her to please respect my time & our date she gets defensive & says she is at a loss to understand how what she is doing takes away from our date. Anyone have thoughts & experience on this? Thanks!
Common courtesy or controlling?
- Thread starter Mellot
- Start date
SEASONEDpolyAgain
Well-known member
This is a situational thing.
With my nesting partner, yes, I text and call as I see fit unless we are actively engaged in quality time. That's less because I'm avoiding offending her and more because I'm busy so not able to see notifications.
With other partners, I do this less because our time together is so tightly scheduled. The more we casually "hang out", the more likely I am to actually NEED to be answering and making calls and texts to other people. Those could be to friends, family, colleagues, clients or partners.
I've had partners, potential partners and friends where the relationship has stagnated or even completely failed because I've found them to be too busy to develop our bond much past what it is or that their distractions have obliterated anything we could have. Again, I've had those distractions be anything from work, to video games, to other partners. What it was did little to change the underlying issue. They just didn't have the resources to give me what I needed from them. The only choice one has in that situation is to either decide that you'll take this relationship/person as it/they come(s) or it isn't enough for you and move on.
I'm basically saying to let her decide how she wants to balance her commitments and if it isn't okay for you, terminate the relationship.
With my nesting partner, yes, I text and call as I see fit unless we are actively engaged in quality time. That's less because I'm avoiding offending her and more because I'm busy so not able to see notifications.
With other partners, I do this less because our time together is so tightly scheduled. The more we casually "hang out", the more likely I am to actually NEED to be answering and making calls and texts to other people. Those could be to friends, family, colleagues, clients or partners.
I've had partners, potential partners and friends where the relationship has stagnated or even completely failed because I've found them to be too busy to develop our bond much past what it is or that their distractions have obliterated anything we could have. Again, I've had those distractions be anything from work, to video games, to other partners. What it was did little to change the underlying issue. They just didn't have the resources to give me what I needed from them. The only choice one has in that situation is to either decide that you'll take this relationship/person as it/they come(s) or it isn't enough for you and move on.
I'm basically saying to let her decide how she wants to balance her commitments and if it isn't okay for you, terminate the relationship.
FallenAngelina
Well-known member
This can be an issue in every relationship. If I'm with a friend who is so addicted to Facebook or texting (not simply being available for children or an important matter) that she or he can't even focus on our friendship, then that indicates to me that we already have a fatal flaw. I suppose it's judgemental on my part, but if someone has no interest in organizing her life such that she has phone-free time with others (not only lovers, but friends and family) then that person is very likely too immature to hold my interest in many other ways. Having to ask for phone-free time would indeed come off as controlling because I would be trying to change her basic way of life and no matter how justified I felt, the attempt would be controlling - and controlling, however well meant, always goes south. Nobody ever thinks they are being controlling, but we do it all the time when we're trying to get others to change. My rule for myself is: ask once. If I have to say it more than once, we're in control-resentment struggle and both of us are heading downward.
Also, if someone needs to be constantly in touch with others when in your presence, then they're just not that into you (as we used to say in the last decade.) The only person who behaves like this is my 20 year old son and he has a special dispensation to remain in my life. Everyone else gets the heave ho. Why have friends and lovers who are half-hearted about being with you?
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YouAreHere
Well-known member
It's funny, the reverse issue was one of the things that led to the de-escalation of my relationship with Chops. I tend to get lost in the moment and don't reach out when I'm in the middle of something, or hanging out with someone. He felt left out of my life / cast aside when I didn't contact him every few hours. Granted, early in our relationship, frequent contact was the norm, but I was also just dealing with a divorce, moving into my own place, and was really grasping for connection at that point. Things changed over time and that's where the difficulties began.
At any rate, I find it rude as well, and REALLY don't like being on my phone when I should be paying attention to someone else. How does it take away from your date, she asks? Well, you're not actually interacting with each other... isn't that what you're supposed to do on a date?
It's up to you, though, to determine if this is something you can live with or not. Maybe she enjoys the back and forth, maybe she's dealing with NRE and is completely distracted by a new sweetie, maybe one of her other sweeties is asking for more time than she really has to give... who knows. But it's going to keep driving you nuts if it continues. Basic compatibility.
At any rate, I find it rude as well, and REALLY don't like being on my phone when I should be paying attention to someone else. How does it take away from your date, she asks? Well, you're not actually interacting with each other... isn't that what you're supposed to do on a date?
It's up to you, though, to determine if this is something you can live with or not. Maybe she enjoys the back and forth, maybe she's dealing with NRE and is completely distracted by a new sweetie, maybe one of her other sweeties is asking for more time than she really has to give... who knows. But it's going to keep driving you nuts if it continues. Basic compatibility.
vinsanity0
Active member
Since you specified "on dates" I agree that is discourteous. The only exception I made was when I had employees that needed to contact me 24/7. Even then I would pick an appropriate time to deal with them. As for partners, I would have no problem with them sending a quick good night text.
Some people don't see it as a big deal, others do. It's part of the dating process really -- figuring out if you have compatible styles.
To me on a date? That would be annoying. Be PRESENT.
I can understand a quick check in call on arrival to kids or whoever at home. I can understand a quick check in call when leaving in case people need things picked up at the store. I can even understand having to leave devices on if you are something like an "on call" doctor. But during the "main" part of the date, the idea is to spend time with each other right?
I also don't like it at family dinners or with friends. There's like actual living people here, the phone can be ok silent for an hour or two. Otherwise why come over there to visit?
It really drove me up the wall over thanksgiving and xmas when I had my in-laws over and the whole mess of them were attached to their phones. It's like "Why bother coming over here? Stay home with your phones then. Make your own dinner. Text me instead."
If it's a turn off to you, you could ask if she would please be willing to close it.
If she says no? She's not willing to meet the request to put it away while on a date with you? Can't force her to.
Could not date her any more though.
Galagirl
To me on a date? That would be annoying. Be PRESENT.
I can understand a quick check in call on arrival to kids or whoever at home. I can understand a quick check in call when leaving in case people need things picked up at the store. I can even understand having to leave devices on if you are something like an "on call" doctor. But during the "main" part of the date, the idea is to spend time with each other right?
I also don't like it at family dinners or with friends. There's like actual living people here, the phone can be ok silent for an hour or two. Otherwise why come over there to visit?
It really drove me up the wall over thanksgiving and xmas when I had my in-laws over and the whole mess of them were attached to their phones. It's like "Why bother coming over here? Stay home with your phones then. Make your own dinner. Text me instead."
If it's a turn off to you, you could ask if she would please be willing to close it.
If she says no? She's not willing to meet the request to put it away while on a date with you? Can't force her to.
Could not date her any more though.
Galagirl
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Hello Mellot,
I believe that messaging others is okay *within reason.* Like, it is okay to text another partner a quick good night. But long texting conversations, or constantly checking Facebook, those things are rude towards the person with whom you're on a date. So I would tell your partner, not that she needs to stop messaging altogether, but that you need her to greatly reduce the amount of messaging she does when she is on a date with you. If she says no to your request, you'll have to re-evaluate your relationship with her, and decide whether it's worth continuing.
My 2¢,
Kevin T.
I believe that messaging others is okay *within reason.* Like, it is okay to text another partner a quick good night. But long texting conversations, or constantly checking Facebook, those things are rude towards the person with whom you're on a date. So I would tell your partner, not that she needs to stop messaging altogether, but that you need her to greatly reduce the amount of messaging she does when she is on a date with you. If she says no to your request, you'll have to re-evaluate your relationship with her, and decide whether it's worth continuing.
My 2¢,
Kevin T.
fuchka
Active member
Validation might be comforting for other reasons, but when it comes to the issue between you and your partner, it doesn't matter how common something is.
I, too, don't like phones out on a date (or when catching up with friends etc). I prob can tolerate it a little bit but it's not something I would do. And if it's interfering with the in-person connection, it would be a problem for me.
For me being the operative phrase here.
What's relevant here is that you and your partner have different feelings about this. You don't like it. She doesn't see a problem with it.
I don't think of it as a controlling thing. It's expressing a preference.
A partner can say "I'd rather you didn't do that." I'm either willing to change this thing or not. To call you controlling for just asking is wrong. It's no more "controlling" than the reverse. Your partner is expecting you to be ok with her texting etc during a date. So you're saying "I'd like you to stop doing this please." And she's saying "I'd like you to feel differently about this, please."
If you can't find a compromise position on it, then this is an incompatibility. If you can't agree to disagree on it, it might be a fatal incompatibility.
Common courtesy is irrelevant. No one can be "right" here. It's only relevant if you're right for each other.
fuchka
Active member
On reflection, there's probably room here for the concept of a "reasonable request". I would feel differently about a request in a relationship if I thought the request was "reasonable".
So if you are seeking to investigate whether your request (that your partner refrains from using a phone during a date) is "reasonable", or whether her (implied) request for you to get over it is reasonable, maybe testing against community norms is helpful.
Perhaps airing something out with other people might shift your perspective on it.
But ultimately it comes down to what you think or feel about something, rather than what other people do.
So if you are seeking to investigate whether your request (that your partner refrains from using a phone during a date) is "reasonable", or whether her (implied) request for you to get over it is reasonable, maybe testing against community norms is helpful.
Perhaps airing something out with other people might shift your perspective on it.
But ultimately it comes down to what you think or feel about something, rather than what other people do.
You seem like you already know the answer to this one. Quality time is important to you in a relationship and you should advocate for that.
Instead of focusing in your partner's behavior, I recommend addressing the underlying issue - which could be any number of things, including:
-An issue of compatibility. Some people are like that with their phones no matter what. I've been friends with people who do stuff like that and those friendships don't last.
-Maybe your partner's needs aren't being met. Is your partner getting the quality time they need with their other partners? If not, this might be their way trying to compensate for that.
-NRE. Maybe the behavior is temporary and it'll go away.
Another good thing to do is to temporarily focus your attention to other things or other connections. Constantly giving your full to someone who isn't reciprocating will only fuel your resentment.
good luck!
Instead of focusing in your partner's behavior, I recommend addressing the underlying issue - which could be any number of things, including:
-An issue of compatibility. Some people are like that with their phones no matter what. I've been friends with people who do stuff like that and those friendships don't last.
-Maybe your partner's needs aren't being met. Is your partner getting the quality time they need with their other partners? If not, this might be their way trying to compensate for that.
-NRE. Maybe the behavior is temporary and it'll go away.
Another good thing to do is to temporarily focus your attention to other things or other connections. Constantly giving your full to someone who isn't reciprocating will only fuel your resentment.
good luck!
FFMClosedTriad
New member
I totally agree with you on the subject. When you are on a date with a partner it is to be considered quality time and should be treated as such. It’s hard to have a good time on a date when your partner can’t seem to keep their head in the time being spent with you. It’s just plain common courtesy and respectful to show your partner attention when on a date. I wonder if your partner would feel the same if you were doing what he/she is doing.
I’m in a closed triad with a longtime male primary and our female partner of a few years. After a year or so together we began going on solo dates....me or my primary male partner with our female partner. We would essentially take turns having dates with her. When they would go on dates I would be respectful and not intrude by calling or texting. I would give them an opportunity to enjoy their time together. My primary would periodically text to check in to see how the kids or the evening were going. I would respond appropriately and then say nothing else. She wouldn’t text me at all. When she and I would go on dates however, he and she would text throughout the day/evening/night and after a couple dates like this I brought it to both of their attention. He said he didn’t realize it was a problem when he would text her, but I explained that I wasn’t intrusive when they were on dates and I would appreciate the same consideration. Her and my dates are quality alone time for us to bond and build upon our relationship and that’s what I explained to him and her. He apologized and said he didn’t realize it was taken as disrespectful and it hasn’t happened since. Each of us should be allowed to go on alone dates (me and her, him and her, me and him) and have the same common courtesy as the others. We do go on triad dates as well, but the solo dates are just as important.
Just try explaining to your partner how it makes you feel and request that he/she be respectful and give you his/her full attention on dates. It really shouldn’t be deemed as being controlling. It’s just being respectful to your partner and showing them that you care for them by giving them your attention.
I’m in a closed triad with a longtime male primary and our female partner of a few years. After a year or so together we began going on solo dates....me or my primary male partner with our female partner. We would essentially take turns having dates with her. When they would go on dates I would be respectful and not intrude by calling or texting. I would give them an opportunity to enjoy their time together. My primary would periodically text to check in to see how the kids or the evening were going. I would respond appropriately and then say nothing else. She wouldn’t text me at all. When she and I would go on dates however, he and she would text throughout the day/evening/night and after a couple dates like this I brought it to both of their attention. He said he didn’t realize it was a problem when he would text her, but I explained that I wasn’t intrusive when they were on dates and I would appreciate the same consideration. Her and my dates are quality alone time for us to bond and build upon our relationship and that’s what I explained to him and her. He apologized and said he didn’t realize it was taken as disrespectful and it hasn’t happened since. Each of us should be allowed to go on alone dates (me and her, him and her, me and him) and have the same common courtesy as the others. We do go on triad dates as well, but the solo dates are just as important.
Just try explaining to your partner how it makes you feel and request that he/she be respectful and give you his/her full attention on dates. It really shouldn’t be deemed as being controlling. It’s just being respectful to your partner and showing them that you care for them by giving them your attention.