Communication

H

Holic

New member
Hi,

First post!

I'm not quite sure how to explain this so please bear with me.

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost a year. He is polyamorous, I am not and he has another girlfriend. This is difficult for me for a number of reasons. We are a very intense as relationships go. He has always had issues with falling in love or so he puts it, it took him a long time to love his other girlfriend. With me it happened very quickly.

Unfortunately, communication and where we stand seems to be an enormous problem. He tried of his own will monogamy with me for a while. But this did not work and we reverted back to poly.

We live 150 miles apart. I am the only one of us that drives and his girlfriend lives very close to him down there. She also has another partner.
Their relationship is not discussed between us. Yet mine and his is always relayed back to her. He is in constant communication when he is with me, this wouldn't bother me, except that I feel that I never actually get any sole attention. I never feel like he really wants to be here.

Two added complications, I have a little boy who is nearly five and I am now pregnant. This was a shock. I do not want to have an abortion and have decided to continue. He really wants kids. My pregnancy has been enormously difficult thus far and I have been bed ridden at many points. I am very alone where I live and haven't had much support. Every detail is relayed back to his other girlfriend. This wouldnt bother me so much if we could actuallt talk and he would support my emotions and situation. Instead, the last time i tried, i got told that he didnt know what to say, what did i expect, did i want him to get a labotomy?! if I have tried to talk to him about how I feel. There is no openness or consideration for boundaries (ie showering before sleeping with me if he has slept with her beforehand, consideration that at times I struggle with the situation, could we talk about options that would help me feel better, less insecure, I could go on for a while) it is simply I have to take what is thrown at me (or at least that is certainly how I feel) and deal with it. If I try and talk he will explode into tears and freeze up or simply turns it round so that I am left feeling awful for feeling anything at all. The only thing he has said is that their relationship isn't that sexual and more like best friends, but that is about it.

When the baby is born he has said he will move in. I would give anything to be a family, but I have asked how he will deal with being away from her and he can't answer. I have met her, she is lovely.

I'm sorry if I sound erratic and frustrated, I'm trying to be understanding and supportive but can't help but feel it is very one way and I am just expected to deal with whatever they see fit. It is now at the point where I feel very insecure and just have nobidea what to do. I'm sorry for posting this here, very few people I'm my life know he is poly and I cannot seem to find much in the way of support anywhere.

Thanks.
 
First,

congratulations on your pregnancy :) It is wonderful that he is looking forward to becoming a dad. Have you attended classes together? I hear they can be quite bonding.

You need to have a discussion about disclosure. What are you ok with him telling about your relationships to her? Have you met her and asked her how she sees her life with him after he moves to you?

The other thing is staying in touch. What kind of contact are we talking about? Is he aware of your need to have his full attention?

It sound to me like you have expectations of him "reading your mind" and that he is not ready or good at doing that. How about if you tell him what you need in your life, and especially what kind of care you need as someone going through her second pregnancy?

I don't always shower between sleeping with one person and the other (I do however always wash and brush my teeth). If his lack of showers is something you very much want from him, ask him to change his habits. I doubt he is doing or not doing things to upset you.

If he is prone to getting tempers and overloads when trying to discuss difficult subjects, perhaps you have to be the one to show him how talking about things calmly can be done. I suggest this book (based on non violent communication): http://www.amazon.com/Being-Loving-...460815960&sr=8-1&keywords=being+me+loving+you
 
I'm sorry you are struggling. :(

it is simply I have to take what is thrown at me (or at least that is certainly how I feel) and deal with it
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He doesn't sound willing change any. You seem to have brought issues up several times already wanting to problem solve. He's not listening or he makes excuse or he acts out so you will stop asking.

There's a point where I would stop trying to communicate because I'm talking to a wall. YKWIM? I would accept that this is all there is here. I think you are at that point -- trying to accept that this is all there is here.

If he stays like this? I think having him live with you would be WORSE because it's already him giving you only crumbs, but at least you get some breaks on your own with your kid/pregnancy. You don't have to be having in him your living room being all caught up with the other GF and not really being present. Having that behavior around ALL the time would be even more lonely sounding.

I'm trying to be understanding and supportive but can't help but feel it is very one way and I am just expected to deal with whatever they see fit. It is now at the point where I feel very insecure and just have nobidea what to do.
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I think you pretty much call it right. It IS a one way street here. And it's not a secure situation for you.

You don't feel respected here, and if he's not changing? You cannot MAKE him -- you cannot control his behavior. The only thing you can control is your "stayingness." You could choose to stop staying for crumbs.

You may want to think about breaking up and sorting out custody things before the baby is born.

I might be wrong here... but I can't help thinking that it might be better to be a single mom with no draining BF, than be practically a single mom with a draining BF that tosses you crumbs. There is nobody there filling YOUR bucket. You just fill his and end up running dry. You could save it for yourself and your children.

Galagirl
 
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Hi Holic,

It sounds like you are dealing with multiple problems/challenges from multiple directions. I'm sure it is confusing and frustrating.

Is there any chance you and your boyfriend could go see a (poly-friendly) counselor? Maybe the counselor could serve as a mediator. The only thing is, your boyfriend would have to be willing to negotiate.

Communication only works if both (all) participants are willing to hear each other and talk. It doesn't sound like your boyfriend wants to communicate, but I could be wrong.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Oh... wow. :(

Everything you say, Holic, indicates to me that YOU are doing ALL the heavy lifting. You have a three-hour drive just to see him -- let me guess: when you're there, he regularly "reports in" to the gf?

He's gonna move in when you give birth?

Nah.

That's just more carrot-dangling. At best, it's a way of keeping his gf in check, & prone to change anyway if she wants to reel him back in.

I'm not seeing ANY polyamory, starting with the intentional restriction of clear, all-round communication. There's nothing wrong with unstructured nonmonogamy, but calling it "poly" in order to justify manipulating others is a lie on multiple levels.

Why did you choose to become pregnant? Was this intended as a way of pulling him closer?
 
Thank you to all that have replied.

The pregnancy was a shock, it was not intended as a means of doing anything. I have already got one child whose father sees him on weekends, this was not how I intended to have a second.

I think Galagirl probably hit it on the head. I've been wondering whether it was my lack of understanding of poly that was the issue and whether this is normal, but I can see that this is not the case.

In fairness I have said to him, if he doesn't want to be around for the baby that's fine, but I would rather know now and start preparing myself than have him back out at the last minute and leave me an emotional mess at the time where I will be in need and expecting his support. He breaks down and says he wants to be a dad but just doesn't know if he can do it. Having been a single parent for three years, there is a part of me that just says he needs to put his big boy pants on and get on with it. I have tried to be understanding, but it is a baby and i dont feel that being blocked from talking about things by his meltdowns are a positive start. He is in his thirties I am in my twenties.

Sorry for my erratic original post. I've been completely up in the air and this is incredibly emotional. I wouldn't mind so much if we could work out a plan or actually get some clarification but it seems that I'm not wrong in feeling that I am doing the vast majority of leg work.
 
Sorry for my erratic original post. I've been completely up in the air and this is incredibly emotional. I wouldn't mind so much if we could work out a plan or actually get some clarification but it seems that I'm not wrong in feeling that I am doing the vast majority of leg work.
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I am sorry things are emotional. It is understandable in the situation.

I do think you call it right and you are doing most of the lifting though.

I guess you may have to do it with the new baby custody also. :(

I would rather know now and start preparing myself than have him back out at the last minute and leave me an emotional mess at the time where I will be in need and expecting his support.
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If this is what you want to prevent? I think you could take charge of the situation and move on to plan your post-birth life without his regular support now. To ensure you won't be an emotional mess later if he backs out. You already planned life without his help.

And if he gets it together enough to pay support, or coparent or whatever else? You could call it bonus but it isn't like you built your life plan around his follow through. You already planned to fly solo. Right now his follow through is weak and sounds untrustworthy. So I think it could be best to plan for the worst and not be caught with new ugly surprises down the road. If he DOES get it together, better to be surprised more pleasantly than surprised more UGH.

I mean, def ask for child support and all the stuff you have a right to ask for. But don't PLAN on him following through on time. Plan to make it on your own income, so whatever he does? It doesn't ding you. Whatever comes in for the kid, put it in savings.

Ex: Don't take an apartment lease COUNTING on regular income from him to help make rent. Only to later find yourself up a creek if his check doesn't show up on time or at all. Take an apartment you can hold with just YOUR income, and consider any support from him as bonus savings for kid.

Galagirl
 
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To be honest, and probably blunt, your boyfriend doesn't sound like a very nice person.

  • You always have to drive to see him, and he's never made any efforts to accommodate you;

  • he shares intimate details of your relationship with his other girlfriend even though you've asked him not to;

  • he rudely stays in contact with the other girlfriend the entire time he is with you;

  • you don't have the sense you ever have his full attention;

  • he hasn't been supportive while you've had a difficult pregnancy;

  • he responds sarcastically and won't communicate when you try to express what you're going through and what you need from him;

  • he refuses to respect your boundaries and honor your request that he shower after fucking (or sleeping with, if they're no longer sexual?) his other girlfriend before staying with you;

  • you feel like he's throwing you crumbs and that you have to accept that;

  • he manipulates you into not talking to him about emotional stuff by exploding into tears, freezing up, or turning the discussion around on you;

  • he won't answer you when you ask how he will simultaneously deal with parenting and having another relationship;

  • he gaslights you; and

  • he says he wants to be a dad but doesn't know if he can, thereby effectively saying he really doesn't actually want the responsibilities.

Oh, honey, what exactly do you see in this guy, this ineffectual man-child? When has he ever, EVER stepped up and been a real partner to you? You deserve much better! There are great guys out there - he is not one of them!

I have a feeling that the bit about it not being sexual between them anymore is bullshit.

And why are you always waiting around for him to choose? You could find your backbone and choose. Choose to retain full custody and get child support from him, then move on with your life. If he moves in with you, it will be like having a third child, I am certain of it!!!

Don't hang on to this one. Let him be that other chick's problem. You will feel a sense of relief if you throw him back. I know it will be hard being a single mother of two, but see if you can find support locally, and get in touch with friends or family who will help you when the baby comes.


I am just curious - were you two using birth control and it failed?
 
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