Completely Lost

C

Curi85

New member
I've actually never posted in a forum before. But I figured this would be a good time.
I'm in a relationship with a male that's 16 years older than me. We've Been with one another for a little under a year. It was only recently that I could really identify what he is ( poly). I love him deeper than I have anyone before. there is a sense of truth with him that I have never had. However I realized I actually might be poly as I've been in love a few times with more than one man. While I love him. I'm lost. I would like to explore this poly side of me , but I don't know where to start. And because I have entered in a relationship with him, I don't know how to proceed. He doesn't agree that he is, but he is definelty not monogomous
 
Hello Curi85. Yes, seems like a good time to have joined a forum. :)

I see from the other thread you started that the man you are seeing is married to another woman. One good step to take could be to suggest you all read a book on polyamory together and discuss it as you go. This is a way of further exploring how you all think and feel in relation to each other and the possibility of polyamory. Acclimatising to polyamory is a process and things will change, so keep communicating with everyone, checking that they understand you and you understand them. This will assist you in clearing up confusion. For example, its sounds as though you consider your male partner to be poly but says he isn't. You need to talk about this quite a bit more with him.

Another step could be to keep a journal. If you're feeling lost this is especially helpful in orientating yourself and gaining insights about your needs and desires.

Its going to be challenging and you probably won't see many of the challenges until they arise. If you work on keeping yourself in good physical and mental shape this will make a huge difference to your resilience. Also, there is no rush. Let things unfold naturally in their own time. Try to relax. :)

Good luck Curi85.
 
Welcome to the forum.

If your bf is married, but he loves his wife and he loves you and she knows he loves you... he is polyamorous. The term means many loves. Some people do not care for the term, and that is OK. He and she might just consider themselves to be in an open relationship.

Some open models are

Don't ask don't tell-- you can love and date someone else, but your partner doesn't want to know one thing about it.

Swinging-- you can have sex with others, but I have to be there to watch/participate. Or, you can have sex with others alone, but are not allowed to fall in love.

Polyamory-- you can love and fuck others, so can I, we both have knowledge of who the other is dating, to varying degrees of detail.

Trying reading the books Opening Up, and More Than Two.

If you want to start dating others, where will you look for a second partner? At parties? Hobby groups? Dating sites like OK Cupid?
 
Greetings Curi85,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Since the guy you're with isn't inclined to identify as poly, perhaps a good book to read would be "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino. It covers the whole range of nonmonogamous relationship models (of which poly is just one).

I also checked out your other thread and replied there briefly. In general, I would advise you to listen to your heart and follow a path that you can be happy with. An "almost perfect" situation isn't "almost" perfect if it leaves you feeling stressed out all the time -- whatever the mechanism. Weigh the total situation in your mind before making a choice.

I hope Polyamory.com is helpful to you, and that it will continue to be helpful.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Updates

Thank you all so much for responding.

The amount of support and information I have received was assuring and some what over whelming.

I have spent the last two weeks deciding why I am in this relationship with them to begin with. I have decided, after reading some posts, that I do in fact oppress a part of myself and that is not okay.

I will pick up those books recommended and learn more. I think finding this forum has really brought to light that I need to make more decisions about myself that I was really ready to do.

I have begun to keep a journal, and find that I am more worried about them than me. I seem to have somehow lost myself in this relationship, much like I did when I was in a primarily monogamous relationship. That is both dangerous and self mutilating for me.

So much to read and think and discover!!
I did have a talk with him, which I will post on my other thread.
Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond.
<3
 
Good luck, we are pulling for you.
 
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