Concerned I may be getting in the road of GF being whole

[JustAGuyWithQs]

The situation: I'm a straight male. My GF is bi-sexual, but has never had a sexual or romantic experience with a woman. We have been together for three years, and were good friends for two years before that. Each of us was on again/off again with our respective GF and BF, but we knew there was something more going on. Three years ago, we were both out of our relationships and started hanging out together more. We'd both known we had feelings for each other, and one day at the dog park I said it was awkward, because I wanted to hold her hand and felt like it was time to see where the feelings went. She said she felt the same way, but wanted to take her singleness as an opportunity to flirt with women and explore that aspect of her sexuality. She asked if I'd wait around a couple months while she tried it out, I said yes, and we kept hanging out. One thing led to another and, with the genie out of the bottle, we were soon romantically involved. Three years later and we're talking about marriage. I've asked her if she'd like to explore her sexuality with other women, and she says no, she's happy with me. My concern is that I got in the way of her becoming whole by exploring her attraction to women, and that she's saying she doesn't want to just to protect me. She's been in a poly relationship before, but I haven't. Initially, I said I'd be okay with her being with another woman if it was a triad, but wasn't sure about other forms of poly. Three years in and I've grown, and I've told her I'm fine with her being with another woman in an independent relationship, I'm secure in our love, and I want to see her be whole. I know I have no say in what she chooses to do, but worry that I've put a chill on the situation. If we were to go poly, I don't know if I'd look for another partner or not. Thoughts?

 

[kdt26417]

Hello JustAGuyWithQs,

It is important that you make room for your girlfriend to be her whole self. I like the way Sting puts it, "If you love someone, set them free." Your girlfriend needs to understand that by protecting you, she is depriving herself of experiences she would otherwise like to have. Would breaking up with her free her up to explore with women? I don't know. I admit that would be an extreme road to travel. The two of you are already talking about marriage. Maybe you just need to have a talk with her, and explain to her that you are concerned you may be getting in the way of her being whole. Tell her that you are thinking of the two of you going poly. I hope that helps for starters.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[JustAGuyWithQs]

Hello JustAGuyWithQs,

It is important that you make room for your girlfriend to be her whole self. I like the way Sting puts it, "If you love someone, set them free." Your girlfriend needs to understand that by protecting you, she is depriving herself of experiences she would otherwise like to have. Would breaking up with her free her up to explore with women? I don't know. I admit that would be an extreme road to travel. The two of you are already talking about marriage. Maybe you just need to have a talk with her, and explain to her that you are concerned you may be getting in the way of her being whole. Tell her that you are thinking of the two of you going poly. I hope that helps for starters.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Yes, the question is how to make room. Breaking up with someone because you know best for them has always felt on the icky side. Lots to think about. I've thought that maybe if I found someone first, it would make it easier for her to venture out.

 

[GalaGirl]

I could be wrong in my impression. But you kinda sound like you are putting YOUR stuff on to her?

Three years later and we're talking about marriage. I've asked her if she'd like to explore her sexuality with other women, and she says no, she's happy with me.

Why are you not able to believe her? Is she not an honest person?

My concern is that I got in the way of her becoming whole by exploring her attraction to women, and that she's saying she doesn't want to just to protect me.

Protect you from WHAT?

How exactly did you "get in the way?" She doesn't have agency over her own choices?

She's been in a poly relationship before, but I haven't. Initially, I said I'd be okay with her being with another woman if it was a triad, but wasn't sure about other forms of poly.

But is poly even wanted here?

Are you struggling with the fact she's had more life experiences than you? And you compare and wind up feeling insecure?

Three years in and I've grown, and I've told her I'm fine with her being with another woman in an independent relationship, I'm secure in our love, and I want to see her be whole. I know I have no say in what she chooses to do, but worry that I've put a chill on the situation. If we were to go poly, I don't know if I'd look for another partner or not. Thoughts?

So basically you think that bisexual people are "broken" or "not whole" if they don't have one of each? Like a BF and a GF at all times?

Do you have a fear she's going to dump you for a woman one day? Or want to go poly elsewhere without you? Something else?

This is what I mean about your projecting your stuff on to her. You don't seem to LISTEN to her saying she wants to be with you and marry you. Like you are digging for loopholes or something. How about you BELIEVE her that she's fine, and if you have personal work you need to be doing, you go ahead and do it, talking to a counselor if you need help?

With her, you could move on to the work of engagement and figuring out if you are actually compatible for marriage, what kind of marriage you want to have, etc., maybe working with a couple's counselor and/or taking a marriage prep class or two.

Galagirl

 

[LoveBunny]

She might be ok with exploring another woman for herself. But she might NOT be ok with you sleeping with other women. Maybe that's why she's lost interest in poly, because she's bisexual but monogamous (bi does NOT equal poly.) Perhaps "exploring her sexuality" isn't more important to her than the stable, loving relationship she's in, and she feels no need to seek others. Maybe she's found enough of a male/female balance within herself or with you. Why not just listen to her when she tells you she just wants you?

 

[JustAGuyWithQs]

I could be wrong in my impression. But you kinda sound like you are putting YOUR stuff on to her?



Why are you not able to believe her? Is she not an honest person?



Protect you from WHAT?

How exactly did you "get in the way?" She doesn't have agency over her own choices?




But is poly even wanted here?

Are you struggling with the fact she's had more life experiences than you? And you compare and wind up feeling insecure?


So basically you think that bisexual people are "broken" or "not whole" if they don't have one of each? Like a BF and a GF at all times?

Do you have a fear she's going to dump you for a woman one day? Or want to go poly elsewhere without you? Something else?

This is what I mean about your projecting your stuff on to her. You don't seem to LISTEN to her saying she wants to be with you and marry you. Like you are digging for loopholes or something. How about you BELIEVE her that she's fine?

And if you have personal work you need to be doing you go ahead and do it? Talk to a counselor if you need help?

With her? Could move on to the work of engagement and figuring out if you are actually compatible for marriage, what kind of marriage you want to have, etc. Maybe work with a couple counselor and/or take a marriage prep class or two.

Galagirl

Thank you for your reply. While we're talking about projection, I'll take this opportunity to suggest you look in the mirror.

 

[JustAGuyWithQs]

She might be ok with exploring another woman for herself. But she might NOT be ok with you sleeping with other women. Maybe that's why she's lost interest in poly, because she's bisexual but monogamous (bi does NOT equal poly.) Perhaps "exploring her sexuality" isn't more important to her than the stable, loving relationship she's in, and she feels no need to seek others. Maybe she's found enough of a male/female balance within herself or with you. Why not just listen to her when she tells you she just wants you?

Good points. It's something to think about. Thanks!

 

[GalaGirl]

Thank you for your reply. While we're talking about projection, I'll take this opportunity to suggest you look in the mirror.

You asked for thoughts. I'm not trying to be mean or anything. Just asking things in case it applies.

Sounds like I'm wrong in my impression, and these things do not apply in your situation. Fair enough.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hi JustAGuyWithQs,

I like your idea that if you found someone first, it would make it easier for her to venture out. That would be a less extreme solution than breaking up. The next question would be, should you first inform her that you intend to find someone, and should you explain why to her? I'm not sure how to answer those questions.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[powerpuffgrl1969]

Thank you for your reply. While we're talking about projection, I'll take this opportunity to suggest you look in the mirror.

Wow. GG is a very experienced, respected poster on this board. You were the one who came looking for advice, and you would benefit more from taking it in the spirit it's intended.