Conflict with my Fiancee

G

grose

New member
I'm new here, but I'm pretty sure my Fiancee isn't on this. I need some advice.

I started dating my boyfriend (BF) almost 3 years ago. His wife and I weren't super involved until about a year and a half ago. Things have been rocky from the start. I love her, she asked me to marry her (commitment ceremony) in August. The date for the ceremony is 9/26/2010.

She and I both suffer from mental illnesses, I think this may be an important detail. She had an inpatient stay earlier this year, I had one the year before, and since then we have both been through multiple rounds of outpatient programs.

Since her inpatient stay we have been pretty distant, while still engaging in regular coupley stuff. Since then, she's backed off physical and emotional connection. We have discussed several boundaries that we both have. But recently it feels like the things she does for me are out of obligation, rather than sincerity. I feel so disconnected from her in many ways. I've asked her multiple times to talk about how I feel and she keeps putting it off. Since then I've been pretty passive.

I found out recently that she has been talking about me to someone she is considering dating. I wouldn't have a problem with it if it was to one of her friends, someone she has been friends with or usually confides with. I don't know why, but I find this very violating. It feels like I can't trust her with details of my life and things that are important to me. I just want her to want me. I want to feel that she wants me.

I'm not sure if I'm asking for advice or just venting. But, I don't know what else to do.
 
grose said:
I'm new here, but I'm pretty sure my Fiancee isn't on this. I need some advice. I started dating my boyfriend (BF) almost 3 years ago. His wife and I weren't super involved until about a year and a half ago. Things have been rocky from the start. I love her, she asked me to marry her (commitment ceremony) in August ...
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Maybe Start Here: Polyamory & Marriage
 
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Also, I know this is a minor point, but is "2010" a typo? Because it throws off the whole timeline.
 
I will assume you meant to put 2020.

But recently it feels like the things she does for me are out of obligation, rather than sincerity. I feel so disconnected from her in many ways. I've asked her multiple times to talk about how I feel and she keeps putting it off.
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Sounds like she's cooling off...


I found out recently that she has been talking about me to someone she is considering dating.
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... and maybe moving on.

If you have already asked to talk multiple times to no avail because she is avoiding/doesn't want to? Perhaps it's time to let it go?

Def do not get married like this. Because if it has become a case of you being more into her than she is into you it may no longer be appropriate.

I'm so sorry this is happening. :(

Galagirl
 
grose said:
I'm new here, but I'm pretty sure my Fiancee isn't on this board. I need some advice.

I started dating my boyfriend almost 3 years ago. His wife and I weren't super involved, until about a year and a half ago. Things have been rocky from the start. I love her. She asked me to marry her (commitment ceremony) in August. The date for the ceremony is 9/26/2020.
Click to expand...

Hang on. You're dating a guy who is married. And then you got romantically and sexually involved with his wife. And then this woman asked you to marry her? Which will be a non-legal, non-binding commitment ceremony?

Where is her husband in all this? Are you still dating him? Is he not committing to you? It's just his wife and you who are going to formally commit?

Why commit to her if things have been rocky from the start? I'm very confused.

Are things rocky with your bf? Or is that all smooth sailing? Or is it over?


She and I both suffer from mental illnesses, I think this may be an important detail. She had an inpatient stay earlier this year, I had one the year before, and since then we have both been through multiple rounds of outpatient programs.

Since her inpatient stay we have been pretty distant, while still engaging in regular couple stuff.
Click to expand...

Again, where is the guy in all this? Is this a triad or a V now?

Since then, she's backed off physical and emotional connection. We have discussed several boundaries that we both have. But recently it feels like the things she does for me are out of obligation, rather than sincerity. I feel so disconnected from her in many ways. I've asked her multiple times to talk about how I feel and she keeps putting it off. Since then I've been pretty passive... I just want her to want me. I want to feel that she wants me.
Click to expand...

It sounds like she's backing out for whatever reason. If she won't even tell you why, that is considered "ghosting," which I find very rude. Tell her you are going to break off the so-called engagement if she isn't willing and able to even talk to you now.
 
Hello grose,

I am inclined to suggest that you ask your fiancée point-blank: "Are you breaking up with me?" and if she says, "No," you say, "Have I done something to offend you?" and if she says, "No," you say, "Then why are you giving me the cold shoulder?" You could add that you are very concerned that she won't even talk to you, and that you are thinking about canceling the engagement, that's how upset you are. Tell her, you feel as if she doesn't want you anymore, and that hurts, very much. Say, "Tell me what's going on!"

I noticed that you said, "Things have been rocky from the start." How rocky? I mean, is this (now) a lot worse than usual, or is it pretty much par for the course? Maybe it's just that you're getting burned out from having this rocky relationship, and maybe the signs are telling you that this isn't a good relationship for you to be in. If you broke up with her, would that sour your relationship with her husband? I can see how that would make things complicated.

I would postpone the commitment ceremony at least until you know why she's treating you this way.
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
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