Confused! 2 exes, long distance, BDSM, sort of triad

S

suziesue

New member
Hello all, I am new here. I'm a possibly-poly, definitely bisexual, and sexually submissive (BDSM) middle-aged female. Sorry for the epic post, but the emotional tangle I am in right now has deep roots.

Some years ago, I had a relationship with a friend of my sister, Alan. He is a dominant. I was struggling with issues to do with my sexual identity, and really put him through a hard time, until he broke things off. It hurt me, but it was the right decision.

Right after that, I met a lovely submissive woman, Bridget, who helped me a lot with my issues. We had a sexual connection and ended up in bed a few times. But I was on the rebound, and didn't want to ruin the friendship, so it didn't go anywhere.

I then moved to the other side of the country for my job. Recently I went back to my hometown to visit my sister. There I ran into Alan, and we clicked again, very strongly, and jumped into bed together. The sexual/BDSM connection between Alan and me is stronger than it ever was, so much better now I am over my issues. We had frank discussions of the past and forgave each other. It also turns out that he has been having 'casual encounters' with Bridget, and there was a sort of 'Well, we're all sexually attracted to each other' moment, which lead to a threesome.

It was pretty much amazing. Bridget is adorable and lovely. I can't believe it took me this long to get close to her. After the threesome, she and I had quite a bit of time with just the two of us. I also spent time with Alan, in which he hinted that he would pursue a relationship with me if I were closer. I kind cut him off a bit, because part of me didn't want to 'complicate' things. But um, too late for that!

So, I'm pretty much head-over-heels-silly over both of them. Since leaving, Bridget and I have been on the phone constantly. I have also had some contact with Alan. He tells me he is still very keen sexually for me, but I find it awkward to talk to him. I think I am a bit afraid of rejection because he broke up with me before. They both tell me when they see each other. I don't know why, but I find this really cute.

Basically, I think if I were in the same town I would just let things go organically and see where they ended up, but the long distance thing makes that awkward.

I can't help fantasizing a bit that we will turn into a happy triad. But I know real life isn't so simple. I worry that by pursuing both relationships I will hurt someone. I worry that Bridget and I won't sexually satisfy each other, due to both being submissive, without a dominant party being involved. I worry that if I let myself get emotionally involved with Alan he will break my heart all over again. I worry that I will lose the opportunity to see where things would lead with either of them because I am the wrong side of the country, but I worry if I move back and things don't work out I will regret it.

I just feel like I'm a mess of conflicted emotions, and I don't know what I'm doing! Any advice would be gratefully received.
 
Why not just enjoy it and see what happens? It sounds like you are thinking too much into the future and not living in the moment.

You might want to stop thinking of every sexual encounter or possible relationship development as a D/s thing though. There is no reason why anyone has to play those roles all the time. Sure, D/s is fine and dandy, but it isn't everything in life, unless you have an arrangement; which it sounds like you don't. Just a thought, anyway.
 
Thanks for your thoughts.

redpepper said:
Why not just enjoy it and see what happens? It sounds like you are thinking too much into the future and not living in the moment.
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I suppose because being the other side of the country, nothing will happen unless I make an effort to make it happen, and major planning has to be involved for me to even see either of these people again. I don't know what to do, so thinking about where my choices lead seems a natural way to try and make the decision. If you have a better way to decide what to do, please share!

redpepper said:
You might want to stop thinking of every sexual encounter or possible relationship development as a D/s thing, though. There is no reason why any one has to play those roles all the time. Sure, D/s is fine and dandy, but it isn't everything in life, unless you have an arrangement; which it sounds like you don't.
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While I appreciate some people can take or leave D/s (or play a role for a while), for me it's a hardwired sexual identity. Sex is simply not at all enjoyable for me without a strong D/s element, and it's not something I would willingly choose to live without. My relationship with both of these people is in that context.

It's not really relevant to the relationship issue, other than to say that I have a strong sexual need that Alan is compatible with and Bridget is not, which adds a layer of complication to my thinking about either of them.
 
It sounds like you're SOL and you'll never get what you need from these relationships. Forget about them and move on with your life. Find someone closer to where you live.
 
Really? I was going to say the opposite. You have two hot people who you like, calling you and telling you you're hot and they like you. So... enjoy!

You could also fly/drive over there a couple times a year, or whatever frequency is feasible, and go have some more threesomes. And then just sort of see where it goes. It can still develop organically with you far away, but it will also develop slower, so don't try to turn the relationship into something it's not yet. Just enjoy your phone time and maybe go see them sometimes.
 
Thanks for replies!

NeonKaos said:
It sounds like you're SOL and you'll never get what you need from these relationships. Forget about them and move on with your life. Find someone closer to where you live.
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I certainly tend to this viewpoint at times, and it may be where I end up, but both forgetting about people and finding someone else are easier things to think (or say) than do. It's been years since I felt this good about anyone. I do want to give it a chance, if possible. But I'm just really afraid of handling this wrongly and breaking things, at the moment.

MichelleZed said:
Really? I was going to say the opposite. You have two hot people who you like, calling you and telling you you're hot and they like you. So... enjoy!
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I'm trying. :) But I've never really been involved with more than one person at a time, and it's confusing the crap out of me.

Like, if I have a lovely long chat with Bridget, then suddenly I feel like I'm not giving things a chance with Alan. Or when Alan and I do webcam sex things I feel like I'm betraying Bridget, somehow, even though they both know about each other, and are seeing each other.

I'm really very new to this multiple partner thing, and it's going against a strong idea in my head that I should choose just one of them.

MichelleZed said:
You could also fly/drive over there a couple times a year, or whatever frequency is feasible, and go have some more threesomes. And then just sort of see where it goes. It can still develop organically with you far away, but it will also develop slower, so don't try to turn the relationship into something it's not yet. Just enjoy your phone time and maybe go see them sometimes.
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Yeah, I can't afford the time/money to go very often, maybe once every 5-6 months if I really prioritize it. But even that feels weird, like, if I visit, I have to then somehow split up my very limited time between them, and I don't know how to deal with that without hurting one of them. Also, I'd want to spend time with the three of us, but feel strange asking that of either of them.
 
Maybe you could address an email to both of them and tell them how much you like them both, how odd you feel sometimes, and what some of your hopes/concerns are, and then just see what sort of dialogue forms. Now that may well be way easier said than done for you right now, I know. But it sure might make things simpler and clearer. :)
 
suziesue said:
Like, if I have a lovely long chat with Bridget, then suddenly I feel like I'm not giving things a chance with Alan. Or when Alan and I do webcam sex things, I feel like I'm betraying Bridget, somehow, even though they both know about each other, and are seeing each other.

I'm really very new to this multiple partner thing, and it's going against a strong idea in my head that I should choose just one of them.

I can't afford the time/money to go very often, maybe once every 5-6 months, if I really prioritize it. But even that feels weird. Like, if I visit, I have to then somehow split up my very limited time between them, and I don't know how to deal with that without hurting one of them. Also, I'd want to spend time with the three of us, but feel strange asking that of either of them.
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Yes, it does seem like you are still thinking as a monogamous person, and acting accordingly. Also, I suspect because of your sub personality, you are quite concerned with *pleasing* both of them, rather than acting on your own desires (for one-on-one, as well as triad time).

From the little you have said so far, it seems that Bridget and Alan are more comfortable sharing all amongst yourselves. Are they experienced at polyamory?

I hear you are afraid to hurt either of them by spending time with the other, cyberly or in real life. It's great to be sensitive to one's partners' needs, but unnecessary to imagine they might feel this or that (i.e., jealousy), when they might be actually fine with the whole arrangement. The only cure for this is making sure everyone knows where the boundaries lie, acting accordingly, and checking in afterwards to make sure everyone still feels good about it.

It's perfectly reasonable to want time with all three of you there, as well as one-on-one time! :)
 
Conflicted emotions are fine. It's really the core of who we are. We do not feel the same all the time. Each and every part of you is important.

The part that considers a happy triad - fine !
That part that fears rejection - fine !
The part that is head over heels for both - fine !
The feeling you should choose one - fine !
The part that you consider flying once or twice - fine !

I believe there is great value in accepting all of this as part of you. I believe you need to feel all of your emotions. That's what they are there for.

Don't panic about what appears to be conflict in the way you feel. Acceptance that there will be conflict is very important. It teaches you to listen to yourself, which is a good thing. I've found by increasing my capacity to listen to myself, the results have been astounding.

Good luck.

Don't panic too much, or if you are inclined to do so, I would suggest this approach: I will allow myself to panic for the next (insert time frame) and then I will work on being constructive again.
 
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