Confused and angry

B

Blopez5293

New member
I have recently run into a situation that I am not sure how to handle. I have a couple who are friends of mine. They know about me and have always been kind and open minded about it. She has expressed uncomfortability with the idea of sharing her man with any other woman.

Recently he approached me about sleeping with me. Normally he would get a yes as he is totally my type. But I am uncomfortable about her position in this. Do I assume they have come to an understanding? So I tell him no and then tell her he tried? Or do I just say no but keep it to myself? I don't know what to do. What would you do?
 
My wife was recently involved in a similar situation. She was involved in a relatively casual threesome with a monogamous couple that was trying to facilitate the wife's bisexuality as part of their path towards opening up. The husband has been the one handling most of the communication with my wife, something his wife was aware of. He then solicited my wife for a date alone. My wife was uncomfortable and asked him if his wife was on board and when he declined to answer she distanced herself from the situation. They have since stopped communicating, which leaves me to assume that he was not acting with the consent of all parties. It is something we try to be careful of, but I can see where truly knowing someone's intent can be hard at times.

We have had a threesome with a man from out of town that told us he was open, but we really had no way of vetting him. That was a situation where we just have to leave his actions up to him.

We always try to make sure we are not facilitating dishonesty, and when it is in your face such as in this case I would advise asking him, and then going with your gut. If you really want to make sure; consider telling him that you will do it after receiving his wife's blessing.
 
I guess I am angry because I feel like he has put me in a position where I now have to wonder if she is going to be okay. I want to have the possibility of more with both of them. But I am scared that I will be hurt and so will she. And I don't want that.:confused:
 
I totally get that. I would be upset too.

The way I see it, by going about this the way he has, he has taken a potentially good thing and turned it in something you have to stress about.

Another way to handle this would be to ask her how she feels about you sleeping with him, without his knowledge. Then her reaction may tell you enough. If you discuss it with kid gloves she might not get upset at your inquiry and that might be enough to get them discussing it more openly. On the other hand she may be all gung ho, or vehemently oppose the suggestion, in which case the honesty, or lack their of, will be apparent to you without anyone knowing he came to you first.
 
I would say "No. Not at this time. Not unless we all three talk about it first so we are all on the same page. She told me she is uncomfortable sharing her man. And I don't want shenanigans. I need to know it's all clean and above board. So you organize a talk. "

If he doesn't organize it? You know he was probably just trying to get in your pants. Some dudes find out someone is poly whatever, and they think that means "easy lay" or something. It's WEIRD.

And you could tell her this happened in private.

"Hey, I feel weird. Guy tried to get me to sleep with him. I told him no because I know you don't want to share like that. So unless we all talk together, no thanks. I'm not into busting up couples. Just making you aware that happened. And that's why I don't mind seeing you, but I don't want to hang out with him right now. If this was poly newbies that is one thing. If it's him trying to cheat on you behind your back with your friends... that's another thing and it kinda squicks me out."

Then leave it be.

If she gets hurt? So what? It's not YOU who is being all sneaky pants behind her back. I'd want my friends to tell me things like that happened. I don't want to be dating a secret scuzz.

Or maybe he isn't being a scuzz and they actually talked and its a case of newbies being newbies. In which case he/they would apologize for the bungling approach. And maybe it's ok then.

But YOU don't have to feel bad. YOU didn't start it. So... speak your truth, be clear and above board and trust being honest is better than not.

Galagirl
 
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Hi Blopez,

I am inclined to suggest you meet with the woman in private, tell her that he propositioned you, and ask her if she was/is okay with that. It might start a shitstorm between her and him, but that is not your fault, that would be because he went behind her back. If he didn't go behind her back, then you coming to her to ask if she is okay with it, should not come as a shock to her. If she says she's okay with it, then I guess you can sleep with him if you want to. Maybe the weird way he approached you has caused you to be turned off towards him. You are already feeling angry because he has put you in an awkward position.

Anyway that is my 2¢,
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
DaCoda said:
I totally get that. I would be upset too.

The way I see it, by going about this the way he has, he has taken a potentially good thing and turned it in something you have to stress about.

Another way to handle this would be to ask her how she feels about you sleeping with him, without his knowledge. Then her reaction may tell you enough. If you discuss it with kid gloves she might not get upset at your inquiry and that might be enough to get them discussing it more openly. On the other hand she may be all gung ho, or vehemently oppose the suggestion, in which case the honesty, or lack their of, will be apparent to you without anyone knowing he came to you first.
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Given that some people use DADT (not that i get it) that is probably the best solution, as it doesn't break their potential DADT while getting you the answer.

And i don't think it's his fault that you feel angry. I mean, i don't think it's something clearly wrong and that you care about consequences enough to be stressed, well, that's life and emotions. Yours, not his.
 
As usual, I think GalaGirl gives great advice above. But I’ll caution you that one possible consequence is your friend (the woman of the couple) turning on you when you tell her the husband propositioned you.

She may not believe you that he propositioned you. Or she may feel she has to pretend not to believe you, in order to save face, or save her marriage. Whether she imagines you’re trying to sow discord, or she just can’t face his betrayal, you may end up the target of her reaction.

I still think Gala’s ideas are good. In a similar situation I would probably directly ask both of them if they had an agreement. I’d probably also broach the topic of “messy people” and make sure they’d talked over whether I should be on that list. And I’d be ready to lose both friends over it, because sometimes that’s how couples preserve the union.

As for DADT, *their* (hypothetical) agreement isn’t anyone else’s to uphold, unless they both told OP a DADT exists (a far cry from the wife expressing being uncomfortable sharing). It’s a stretch to assume they are newly and secretly non-monagamous with a secret DADT that OP could somehow violate by attempting to discern the existence and nature of their agreement. :confused:
 
Blopez5293 said:
I guess I am angry because I feel like he has put me in a position where I now have to wonder if she is going to be okay. I want to have the possibility of more with both of them. But I am scared that I will be hurt and so will she. And I don't want that.:confused:
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You are completely valid in your anger.

What I'd do is ask him if she is okay with it, and if he says yes, ask if you can sit down with both of them and explore everyones wants and needs. To me, if he says no, then that would be a red flag
 
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