Greetings and Salutations,
Wow, where to start?
My spouse was my only relationship. We dated for a few years, got married, had kids, moved a few times, changed jobs a few times. We moved closer to their family, I took a pay cut for a more demanding (but more rewarding job).
In nearly every visible way I am conventional person. I try very hard to be a very egalitarian and giving spouse. I have a reputation as an upstanding person, fair-minded, a good partner and a good parent.
BUT But even before I had ever been in a relationship, I realized I wasn't very jealous, and had a lot of sexual fantasies about 3-ways, swinging, group-sex, and the like. I've brought this up to my spouse numerous times throughout our marriage and each time they demurred. More recently they expressed a lot of hurt that I keep bringing this idea up. Somewhere along the marriage I was introduced to the concept of polyamory in a though piece in Slate, or Salon, or the Atlantic, or something like that. It captured my attention, and over time I began to read more and more about it. I started lurking on forums and even had an online affair with someone who left their spouse to start a poly lifestyle. In retrospect I realize that I also find I am sexually attracted to and curious about a lot of people I encounter, easily fall for new people, and have fallen into several emotional affairs.
All of this has left me feeling really conflicted. I feel like I am leading this life as this great person while harboring these secret desires. I feel like it's a double life, the person I present (and who I like being), and this other part, more carnal and more selfish. With each denial of exploring this by my partner I could feel the other side winning out and I knew it was only a matter of time before I start acting on it, with or without my spouse.
This all came to a head recently when we were discussing someone else who outed themselves as "poly". I wound up confessing to my spouse that I thought I was that way too, and that it felt like a core part of my personality.
The fallout was predictably, bad, involving both our families and all of our mutual friends. I didn't help things by doing an awful job of explaining all of this, and constantly putting my foot in my mouth - saying things that were either wrong or that she interpreted incorrectly.
Now my spouse and I are trying to move forward together, but we both understand that there is no future for us if I continue to feel this way or having these longings.
All of this has left me horribly confused about what it is I want, and how to explain something that isn't just something I "want" but feels deeper. How do I explain that all of these feelings and the mask I've put on didn't and don't mean that my relationship with my partner has been a lie or about some deficiency they have? How do ensure for myself that this isn't being driven by the normal ups and downs and tensions of a long-term relationship? How do I know if "this" is who I am? How can I save and maintain a relationship and partner and family I love and value more than anything else when I have this other part of me tugging me in the opposite direction?
(yes, I have started seeing a therapist) But I'm sure others here have been through this and help is appreciated!
Wow, where to start?
My spouse was my only relationship. We dated for a few years, got married, had kids, moved a few times, changed jobs a few times. We moved closer to their family, I took a pay cut for a more demanding (but more rewarding job).
In nearly every visible way I am conventional person. I try very hard to be a very egalitarian and giving spouse. I have a reputation as an upstanding person, fair-minded, a good partner and a good parent.
BUT But even before I had ever been in a relationship, I realized I wasn't very jealous, and had a lot of sexual fantasies about 3-ways, swinging, group-sex, and the like. I've brought this up to my spouse numerous times throughout our marriage and each time they demurred. More recently they expressed a lot of hurt that I keep bringing this idea up. Somewhere along the marriage I was introduced to the concept of polyamory in a though piece in Slate, or Salon, or the Atlantic, or something like that. It captured my attention, and over time I began to read more and more about it. I started lurking on forums and even had an online affair with someone who left their spouse to start a poly lifestyle. In retrospect I realize that I also find I am sexually attracted to and curious about a lot of people I encounter, easily fall for new people, and have fallen into several emotional affairs.
All of this has left me feeling really conflicted. I feel like I am leading this life as this great person while harboring these secret desires. I feel like it's a double life, the person I present (and who I like being), and this other part, more carnal and more selfish. With each denial of exploring this by my partner I could feel the other side winning out and I knew it was only a matter of time before I start acting on it, with or without my spouse.
This all came to a head recently when we were discussing someone else who outed themselves as "poly". I wound up confessing to my spouse that I thought I was that way too, and that it felt like a core part of my personality.
The fallout was predictably, bad, involving both our families and all of our mutual friends. I didn't help things by doing an awful job of explaining all of this, and constantly putting my foot in my mouth - saying things that were either wrong or that she interpreted incorrectly.
Now my spouse and I are trying to move forward together, but we both understand that there is no future for us if I continue to feel this way or having these longings.
All of this has left me horribly confused about what it is I want, and how to explain something that isn't just something I "want" but feels deeper. How do I explain that all of these feelings and the mask I've put on didn't and don't mean that my relationship with my partner has been a lie or about some deficiency they have? How do ensure for myself that this isn't being driven by the normal ups and downs and tensions of a long-term relationship? How do I know if "this" is who I am? How can I save and maintain a relationship and partner and family I love and value more than anything else when I have this other part of me tugging me in the opposite direction?
(yes, I have started seeing a therapist) But I'm sure others here have been through this and help is appreciated!