Confused and Insecure

[Tippers_123]

Hey there,

I started dating someone about a year ago who was previously in poly relationships. He was in Monogamous relationships before too, but primarily he was in Poly. We have talked about my feelings towards poly relationships and how I don't know that I would be able to share his time and attention. I understand the concept of Poly and I understand the benefits that it could have, but how do you get past the jealousy?
I am not typically a person that is alright with sharing someone's attention, or time, but I want to try and be open minded.
I really care for this guy and I worry that by being in a monogamous relationship, even though he knew that was what he was signing on for with me, might lead him to cheat, or lead him to want something more. He swears he is happy in our relationship, but what if that's not enough?
I know how many people he has been with in the past and that doesn't bother me, but it makes me wonder if I am going to be enough for him.

Any thoughts? Am I being overly cautious, or is this something I am way over my head in?

 

[GalaGirl]

I think you might be overthinking it.

We have talked about my feelings towards poly relationships and how I don't know that I would be able to share his time and attention.
I understand the concept of Poly and I understand the benefits that it could have, but how do you get past the jealousy?
I am not typically a person that is alright with sharing someone's attention, or time, but I want to try and be open minded.

If you decide to try it? Work through your jealousy.

https://practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf

kathylabriola.com - UNMASKING THE GREEN-EYED MONSTER: MANAGING JEALOUSY IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS

By Kathy Labriola, Counselor/Nurse JEALOUSY IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS In my counseling practice, I work with many people who have chosen to have open relationships--to have more than one intimate sexual relationship. The biggest obstacle to creating successful and satisfying open relationships is

sites.google.com

If you end up where you still don't like sharing his time and attention? You can end it.

I worry that by being in a monogamous relationship, even though he knew that was what he was signing on for with me, might lead him to cheat, or lead him to want something more.

If he cheats? You could either try to repair or just dump him for being a cheater.

If it ends up where he asks you if you are up for changing the relationship model from monogamy to open relationship later? You check in with yourself to see if you are.

• If you are? You try.
• If you are not? You part ways.

He swears he is happy in our relationship, but what if that's not enough?

What has he done where you cannot trust in his Word?

I know how many people he has been with in the past and that doesn't bother me, but it makes me wonder if I am going to be enough for him.

Well, you might be. Or you might not be.

It's not a reflection on your value as a person.

It's about whether or not you two line up to be compatible with each other.

Any thoughts? Am I being overly cautious, or is this something I am way over my head in?

Only you can answer if you are in over your head or not.

He sounds relationship shape flexible, and willing to participate in a monogamous thing with you.

So you basically assess YOUR willingness.

• If not willing? Say thanks, but no thanks.
• If willing?
  • You try and see if things work out.
  • Or they don't and you part ways.

How is this different than any other monogamous dating situation? You decide if you want to date someone or not. And when you do? You go in knowing that not everyone you date is destined to be a long haul runner.

People who are might be ok for a first date might not work out to be initially compatible to go for a few more dates.

Then those who are initially compatible might not be deeply compatible. It's part of what dating is FOR -- to sort out the compatible ones.

Keep it easier on yourself. You might be new to poly, but you sound like you both aren't doing that. You are in a monogamous thing right now.

And you ARE the expert on YOU and what you will and will not put up with in your romantic relationships. You could enjoy how this new relationship unfolds and deal with things as they come. Trusting yourself to get you out of anything hinky if anything hinky happens.

Galagirl

 

[Marcus]

I am not typically a person that is alright with sharing someone's attention, or time, but I want to try and be open minded.

Are you comfortable with this aspect of your personality? Have you ever worked with a therapist on separation anxiety and your insecurities?

It's super common to have these kinds of personality quirks, but it isn't something that I personally want to have in my life. For me, the goal should be to have a flourishing sense of autonomy and independence, and to embrace the reality that people have lives outside of me, and that not all relationships are permanent in their current state.

Learning to let go of the need for the illusion of permanence is a valuable endeavor and I encourage you to give it some thought. The clutching need to keep someone in a particular state is a great way to corrode that relationship. It's a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy that you'd be better off without.

He swears he is happy in our relationship, but what if that's not enough?

Has he given you some indication that what he says isn't true? Why is it that you are second guessing him?

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Tippers_123,

I suppose one thing you could do, is offer to your partner that you are willing to try an open/poly relationship with you, and see if you can adjust to it. Just be aware that if you can't adjust to it, it might be difficult/complicated to try to return to monogamy. For example, by the time you realize you can't adjust to it, he may already have a second girlfriend, and she (like him) might be hurt by him breaking up with her. This can be mitigated by him telling her what your arrangement with him is, before he starts dating her. But even if she knows ahead of time, that he could end up breaking up with her in order to return to monogamy with you, the reality of breaking up could still hurt her.

In the meantime, you seem to be wondering whether he has the self-control necessary to remain faithfully monogamous with you. May I suggest that he hasn't had the chance to try. Maybe the thing to do is to try a monogamous relationship with him, first asking him to let you know if he gets to a point where he doesn't think he can continue to be monogamous. Then if he does get to that point, you can either break up with him, or try open/poly with him and see if you can adjust to it. Bear in mind that poly is not for everyone, that it is okay to be monogamous and have that as a hard limit for you. And if polyamory is a hard limit for him, then maybe the two of you just aren't compatible. That's okay.

GalaGirl and Marcus both have excellent points.
I hope we can continue to help you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.