Confused and new

S

Sceneskyee

Member
ok so my husband just came out to me that he is poly and always has been but he never told me he was and yes it was big shocked
But after big talk and open Conversation
We both have gotten down to the bottom of it
Tbh didn’t even know that I was sorta poly as before my husband the guys I dated I always told them before I date them that I would have girl on the side or a girlfriend but since being with my husband I haven’t had the need for that cause to me he is my one so then that comes down to this question and don’t mean offend anyone this just myself not everyone but for me I believe I can only fall inlove with one person for being fact on how I feel about my husband and never felt with anyone else I have love other people but not been in love if that makes sense so that being said can I even be poly I do love the idea my husband having a girlfriend who is also my girlfriend as he the only man I have been with which I have good trust in as we have had a lot fun with other women with each other we’re I couldn’t be able to do that before
So any info or ideas would help ?
and maybe help my confused mind as to only being in love with one person but able to love another person and not change at all
What I mean by that is I been inlove with my husband but I also had strong love feelings to another before but not same that I had towards my husband
 
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Being in love with two people or even loving two people is going to feel different for every relationship. When I first started this journey, I thought I was only going to have casual friend+sex or even just sex relationships, and it was always going to be Knight and I seeing the same woman or at least seeing the members of the same couple. And that's how it worked for a LONG time... but then I fell in love with someone else, got my heart broken, kept dating, and now am blissfully happy loving two people.

I can't tell you that relationships with other people won't change your relationship with your husband. But... change isn't always bad.
 
icesong said:
Being in love with two people or even loving two people is going to feel different for every relationship. When I first started this journey, I thought I was only going to have casual friend+sex or even just sex relationships, and it was always going to be Knight and I seeing the same woman or at least seeing the members of the same couple. And that's how it worked for a LONG time... but then I fell in love with someone else, got my heart broken, kept dating, and now am blissfully happy loving two people.

I can't tell you that relationships with other people won't change your relationship with your husband. But... change isn't always bad.
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That is one of things I am worrying about don’t want anyone to get hurt as I really don’t see what I have with my husband with any other person
 
Sceneskyee said:
That is one of things I am worrying about don’t want anyone to get hurt as I really don’t see what I have with my husband with any other person
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Of course there will be differences between what you have with your husband and what you have with someone else! That's part of the joy of it 😊

Just try not to put preconceived limits on new relationships unless they are an absolute hard limit for you as an individual, for example, I am child free, that's not going to change with a different partner. I can also control that through responsible birth control or termination (although I don't think I can actually get/stay pregnant, so there's that.)

Alternatively, I can't control how deeply I fall in love with someone. If twitterpation turns into deep, abiding love, I'll embrace it for what it is. In my experience, each relationship has so many different facets I can't say that one is more or less than another, emotionally. Logistics on the other hand...and how I interact with people each day, are very different and less heirerchical than say the division of my financial resources. I own a house with Adam and we are married. But I don't talk with him every day (I live away for work right now). Whereas Puck is in the USA (I'm not) and we aren't financially interdependent, but we talk every day except when work throws us exceptional curve balls. I turn to Puck more, have more sexual intimacy with him, yes, even over the internet, and generally spend more time with him in a week than I do with my husband. But I get to see my husband more times a year (or at all right now, thanks Covid), and we are the couple making house renovation plans and so on.

I do get different things from each relationship, I give different things to each relationship, they continue to evolve in different directions. We design them as we go rather than attempt to write our stories in advance, and I'd suggest many long term poly people would say something similar. We've dumped the script and replaced it with really effective communication.
 
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Hello Sceneskyee,

It sounds like you can love others, but you are *in* love only with your husband. This is definitely nonmonogamy, also one can argue it is polyamory, as polyamory involves some kind of emotional involvement. What about your husband, can he fall in love with multiple people at the same time? How do you feel about that? Perhaps the two of you should sit down and talk about it, you might also want to read the book, "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino.

Just some ideas.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello Sceneskyee,

It sounds like you can love others, but you are *in* love only with your husband. This is definitely nonmonogamy, also one can argue it is polyamory, as polyamory involves some kind of emotional involvement. What about your husband, can he fall in love with multiple people at the same time? How do you feel about that? Perhaps the two of you should sit down and talk about it, you might also want to read the book, "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino.

Just some ideas.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Well that what we have been doing other time and he is one who said this what he wants for both of us to date the women more then us seeing other people but he also said if I’m not open to it at all he is also fine with that he has told me no he couldn’t feel what we feel with others as well but I guess I am little worry that it could happen cause well we are all human atm I have told him I’m about 70-80% wanting to do this but I’m still trying to get down to bottom of it on my part and if it’s something I’m gonna be very ok with
 
I take it you would not be okay with it if either of you fell in love with someone else? and maybe you would pull the plug if that happened? From your last post here so far, it seems like you are worried ... worried that he could end up really falling for someone. I'm talking full-on in-love-ness here, far away from merely crushing on someone, and it's something that could really happen. I do gather that you are hoping to find a girlfriend that you and your husband can share. That's a wonderful dream, I hope it comes about.
 
kdt26417 said:
I take it you would not be okay with it if either of you fell in love with someone else? and maybe you would pull the plug if that happened? From your last post here so far, it seems like you are worried ... worried that he could end up really falling for someone. I'm talking full-on in-love-ness here, far away from merely crushing on someone, and it's something that could really happen. I do gather that you are hoping to find a girlfriend that you and your husband can share. That's a wonderful dream, I hope it comes about.
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Sorta I’m more worry that he will and I won’t if that makes sense
 
That he will fall in love and you won't. Is that what you're trying to say?
 
kdt26417 said:
That he will fall in love and you won't. Is that what you're trying to say?
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Yeah like I know he says he won’t but he got such big heart so most likely will which I’m ok with I get it but I’m just worry that I won’t as I have a hard time doing that
 
It is hard for you to fall in love with a second person; it would be easy for your husband to fall in love with a second person. That's not fair.
 
kdt26417 said:
It is hard for you to fall in love with a second person; it would be easy for your husband to fall in love with a second person. That's not fair.
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Yeah I feel It wouldn’t be fair on the other person tho not me but I have told him imma give it a go as he said might take couple people who knows but I have told him if I don’t feel anything then I’m the one just gonna stop it but I ain’t going to stop him from seeing her if he feels something to her
 
It sounds like you would prefer that he not fall in love with anyone besides you, however you are willing to let him continue to date someone if he feels something for her.
 
kdt26417 said:
It sounds like you would prefer that he not fall in love with anyone besides you, however you are willing to let him continue to date someone if he feels something for her.
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Yeah that would be ideal but in end it can happen and if it does I’m still ok with it as well and so far we are trying it out. It’s only early days but atm it’s going good...
 
Hi Sceneskyee! So first off, I want to say that your reaction and thought processes in this situation are perfectly normal. Being unsure, not wanting to lose what you have, it's all completely natural.

Here is a concept that helped me grasp becoming poly with a partner: Love is a spectrum.

Think of it like colors. Every relationship has a different shade. Then think of being IN love as a specific hue- let's use purple. Your relationship with your husband is a bright vivid purple. You are committed to this purple because you haven't really seen a purple this vivid and true. The thing is, only the two of you together can make this shade of purple. Each person in the relationship has something else to contribute, so when your husband has a relationship with another person, it doesnt look like that vivid purple that you have together, maybe it makes more of a dark purple. But it's still purple. So he has another purple, but that doesn't take away the validity of the vivid purple that you share with him. While maybe you're unfamiliar with other shades of purple, maybe you don't see it because you've never seen the shade of purple that's on the horizon?

I hope that makes sense and helps. Even through my struggles when I was married, this analogy really helped ease my anxiety about being replaced or overshadowed.

One other thing I would like to address is this:

"I do love the idea my husband having a girlfriend who is also my girlfriend"

This is a concept that I have always had a hard time with. I have been on both ends of this. The problem is not the openness or the desire, it's the expectation. Something I have seen more times than I can count is either couples "hunting" this out or a woman getting tied into a situation she didn't really bargain for. We are all human, and the chances of this person liking/bonding better with one of you over the other is far greater than her genuinely liking/being attracted to both of you equally. And 9 times out of 10 this causes more negativity than positive growth.

That is not to say there is anything wrong with wanting that and I'm sure plenty of people have had wonderful growth and experiences they wouldn't trade. Really my advice in this instance would be to simply leave a door open. Try to avoid placing expectations on anyone. If the chemistry is there, you will know!

Best of luck!!
 
WaywardWillow said:
Hi Sceneskyee! So first off, I want to say that your reaction and thought processes in this situation are perfectly normal. Being unsure, not wanting to lose what you have, it's all completely natural.

Here is a concept that helped me grasp becoming poly with a partner: Love is a spectrum.

Think of it like colors. Every relationship has a different shade. Then think of being IN love as a specific hue- let's use purple. Your relationship with your husband is a bright vivid purple. You are committed to this purple because you haven't really seen a purple this vivid and true. The thing is, only the two of you together can make this shade of purple. Each person in the relationship has something else to contribute, so when your husband has a relationship with another person, it doesnt look like that vivid purple that you have together, maybe it makes more of a dark purple. But it's still purple. So he has another purple, but that doesn't take away the validity of the vivid purple that you share with him. While maybe you're unfamiliar with other shades of purple, maybe you don't see it because you've never seen the shade of purple that's on the horizon?

I hope that makes sense and helps. Even through my struggles when I was married, this analogy really helped ease my anxiety about being replaced or overshadowed.

One other thing I would like to address is this:

"I do love the idea my husband having a girlfriend who is also my girlfriend"

This is a concept that I have always had a hard time with. I have been on both ends of this. The problem is not the openness or the desire, it's the expectation. Something I have seen more times than I can count is either couples "hunting" this out or a woman getting tied into a situation she didn't really bargain for. We are all human, and the chances of this person liking/bonding better with one of you over the other is far greater than her genuinely liking/being attracted to both of you equally. And 9 times out of 10 this causes more negativity than positive growth.

That is not to say there is anything wrong with wanting that and I'm sure plenty of people have had wonderful growth and experiences they wouldn't trade. Really my advice in this instance would be to simply leave a door open. Try to avoid placing expectations on anyone. If the chemistry is there, you will know!

Best of luck!!
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Oh wow that is beautiful , tbh I can relate to that a lot thanks you for sharing.

We have the door open but trying to let it just flow as I don’t want 3rd person to feel any pressure if it happens it happens if not it don’t, same if only one of us Connect with her which can happen or maybe she only connect with one of us then so be it.

Atm we have found someone we are slowly getting to note and having dates so far so good and this one kinda just came out of no where when we weren’t really looking , we will see how it goes.
 
It sounds like you have a pretty open attitude about things in general, and with this new person, who knows what might be possible? Good luck!
 
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