Confused and New

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lorie876

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My husband and I have been in poly relationships in the past and after several failed attempts decided to take a break from dating. Let me clarify that I do not date. He has been free to date other women as long as I am somewhat involved and approve of her (this is a safety issue for our kids).
I find that I am having trouble dealing with the fact that he wants to start another relationship. I know monogamy is not something he can do, I have known that for a long time. Has anyone else found themselves somewhat uncomfortable with their significant other dating after failed relationships? Any advice on how to proceed and deal with conflicting emotions on the subject?
 
I am sorry you struggle. I am not sure what you are saying. I am going to guess. I might guess wrong. You correct me, ok?

Has anyone else found themselves somewhat uncomfortable with their significant other dating after failed relationships?
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Does that mean...

"My previous poly dating attempts were failures. I don't want to be dating other people right now as I process.

I feel uncomfortable with my husband continuing to poly-date on his side of things when it was a mess for me on my side."​

Is it that you are ok with him dating in general, but would like him to pause for a while so you can get your bearings at this time first since you recently broke up/ended some things? Have you asked him that?

Galagirl
 
I don't date outside of my marriage, Haven't since we started dating in 2004. I don't want to be physical with other people and we are both okay with that. I feel that I am not as important as I was to him in the past. That his other relationships are taking priority over our marriage. This started when his previous girlfriend asked me not to touch him in public and told her friends that we were getting divorced, just lived together to provide stability for our kids.

His next relationship started out okay and I got along with her and her children. Then she turned possessive and depressive when he would spend time with me...any time at all...

I guess I am gun shy at this point. I know he can't do monogamy and he knows that I am not okay with one night stands (std's are real and I don't want any). He is on TRT which boosts his sex drive to freakishly high horn dog levels. If he stops the medicine then he has 0 sex drive and gets really sick.

I guess my question is how do I move past these past experiences and be okay with him finding another girlfriend (hopefully a normal one).
 
Thank you for clarifying some.

So are the main problem areas a mixture of...


  • his time management so he's also tending to the marriage and not taking you for granted

  • trying to trust in his dating/vetting process so he isn't getting mixed up with odd people?

Galagirl
 
Poly hell absolutely. Time management absolutely. He usually informs me of a potential relationship before he starts, and I am always in on the decision process. He thinks that I can better feel out a woman because I don't have that sexual attraction to make me gloss over any flaws. I found out yesterday that he has been seeing someone without my knowledge and telling me he was with friends when he was with her.
I am really confused about how to deal with all of that. I can't say I was terribly surprised by that but hurt none the less. I don't know how to move past that.
 
He usually informs me of a potential relationship before he starts, and I am always in on the decision process. He thinks that I can better feel out a woman because I don't have that sexual attraction to make me gloss over any flaws.
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That's kinda weird to me. It's not really your job. Do you even want this job? :confused:

You could give general input -- like "no dating my sister, my boss, any of those messy people. No dating alcoholics, druggies, or anything like that."

But that's more about what people YOU are willing to be in a "V" with while he is the "hinge" or shared sweetie. Your consent belongs to you. He can go ahead and be with those people, but he could expect you to bow out.

I found out yesterday that he has been seeing someone without my knowledge and telling me he was with friends when he was with her.
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Is that breaking agreements?

Have you guys talked about info management? What is "news worthy" and what is not?

Because it sounds like hearing "play-by-play" is too much and stresses you out. And "play-by-play" reports is perhaps too restrictive and leads to him glossing things over. Which is not good either.

I suggest you talk about how much info, what kind of info, and when the info is told is "enough" for each of you. Maybe look at these worksheets.

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

Especially

http://openingup.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/Open-Relationship-Checklist-OU.pdf

That along with the other areas that need work -- handling poly hell, solving the time management, etc.

Galagirl
 
I don't really want a play-by-play, I know I can't handle that. I just can't take being lied to. This is the first time he has intentionally misled me about where he was. General info is an agreement. Like: hey I'm with GF tonight, don't worry. I don't need to know what they do or where they are. Just that he won't be home so I don't worry and I can tell the kids that daddy will see them tomorrow, and so that I don't call at an inappropriate moment.

I will look over the links you have and hope that those will help.
 
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Hi lorie876,

The fact that your husband lied to you, is that your biggest concern? Is it by far your biggest concern? because he should not be doing that. He should be telling you the truth at all times.

Have you met his current girlfriend? Do you like her? Is she respectful of you? Is your husband showing you respect? These kinds of things will provide a context for figuring out how to proceed and deal with conflicting emotions on the subject.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
That is a major issue. I have no idea about this one, I have never met or talked to her, didn't even know she existed until his story about being with friends conflicted with their facebook posts and check ins (mutual friend).
Betrayed and confused is how I feel and that is what I am having trouble getting around. I don't like grudges or falsehoods, I am a 'what you see is what you get' person.

Its confusing to me because I have never had an issue in the past with him dating. I am stuck on why lie about this one? I am actually still friends with his past girlfriends (except the two). We even have a set day a week to get the kids together and play.

Other than the lies he has been respectful, though distant this past week. Staying out late and not answering when I call.
 
Hmmm, it seems like his behavior in general has changed lately, and not for the better. I suggest you work out what your boundaries are, and what the consequences are if he breaches those boundaries.

In other words, what is a deal breaker for you? :(
 
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