Hello. I am sure I am far from the first person to be in this situation and I am really trying to understand how this all works and what it means. I've been I. A relationship for almost 5 years where we have swung together on occasion. I have had no other relationships but he has had other girlfriends. Some know I exist and others do not (bad I know). Well, now he wants to bring in another woman and try being poly. I know this woman and a few years back we spent time together the 3 of us. It was a total disaster primarily due to her immaturity at the time and trying to make it into a contest. Now, almost 4 years later they both want to try a poly triangle including me. First of all I am apprehensive since the last go was such a monumental disaster (ptsd). And also, yes in very insecure and don't get the idea that him loving her or anyone else doesn't mean he loves me less. I am really trying but I don't know if I can do this. I have really bad anxiety problems and an terrified of what might happen. Help please because I do love him.
Confused and scared
- Thread starter Lostsoul
- Start date
Do you want poly at all?
If yes, with these people in your poly network?
If yes , do you prefer a V rather than a triad shape?
You do not sound like it is "joyful yes" about any of it. Could say "no."
I would think "monumental disaster and PTSD from before" is reason enough for you to pass on this offer. You are also "anxious and terrified." That sounds like big "NO!" alarms ringing.
Some people are more than incompatible for you -- they are toxic for you.
You might look on the BF with new eyes too since he's suggesting something so terrible for you. That doesn't sound like loving or kind behavior toward you.
Galagirl
If yes, with these people in your poly network?
If yes , do you prefer a V rather than a triad shape?
You do not sound like it is "joyful yes" about any of it. Could say "no."
I would think "monumental disaster and PTSD from before" is reason enough for you to pass on this offer. You are also "anxious and terrified." That sounds like big "NO!" alarms ringing.
Some people are more than incompatible for you -- they are toxic for you.
You might look on the BF with new eyes too since he's suggesting something so terrible for you. That doesn't sound like loving or kind behavior toward you.
Galagirl
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Len51
New member
I hate to read things like this. I come across guys who use "Poly" to cheat guilt free. What he seems to be doing is forcing "Poly" down your throat. That is not what a loving husband does. Not telling his other partners is also a big red flag. If you allow him to walk all over you, you have only yourself to blame. I am not one of those people who advise that feeling what you feel is bad and should change how you feel. Our emotions are what control us and if you are not comfortable doing something, do not do it or you will be miserable. Every couple we knew in our circle of poly friends that did stuff like you describe, ended up with the husband divorcing the wife for the new girlfriend. My friend is on his 4th wife. He keeps marrying younger women when he gets bored with his wife. Then when he has a stabel relationship with the new girlfriend he leaves his wife along with is kids. He has kids from 4 marriages and had to turn to making porn movies in the advertising firm he owns to pay all the child support and alimony he owes.
My wife and I lived in a polyfidelitous triad for almost 40 years, but we did it like a loving married couple should. We selected a woman that we both knew for a very long time and who was treated as family. We invited her into our marriage and we all loved each other and had unrestricted sex with each other. No one had reason to be jealous or insecure. Unlike our friends who were screwing the girl or guy of the month and making it sound OK by calling it poly and forcing it down their spouses throats, we only played together with people we both loved and wanted in our lives. We never had one problem in all those years because no one was trying to have their cake and eat it too.
Good luck but your future is up to you.
My wife and I lived in a polyfidelitous triad for almost 40 years, but we did it like a loving married couple should. We selected a woman that we both knew for a very long time and who was treated as family. We invited her into our marriage and we all loved each other and had unrestricted sex with each other. No one had reason to be jealous or insecure. Unlike our friends who were screwing the girl or guy of the month and making it sound OK by calling it poly and forcing it down their spouses throats, we only played together with people we both loved and wanted in our lives. We never had one problem in all those years because no one was trying to have their cake and eat it too.
Good luck but your future is up to you.
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What's this? Len51, speaking out against an MFF triad?
Re:
I'm sorry ... I know I shouldn't laugh ...
@ Lostsoul ... I think you are going to try to stay with your man because you love him, and you'll try to participate in a poly triangle with the woman he wants to bring in. It might even work out okay, if that woman does some growing up. But your man needs to do some growing up too.
I won't try to dissuade you, but understand, I don't have the power to change this woman's personality, nor do I know of any advice I can give you to make that woman change yourself. She is who she is, and will only dig her heels in deeper if you try to correct her.
I think the best thing you can do, if you go forward with this poly proposal, is to learn as much as you can about polyamory. Learn by exploring the various threads and boards on this forum, and learn by reading poly books (and visiting poly websites), "More than Two" in particular.
Oh and please do continue to post on this thread; let us know how things are going. We can help you if you'll keep in touch!
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Re:
I'm sorry ... I know I shouldn't laugh ...
@ Lostsoul ... I think you are going to try to stay with your man because you love him, and you'll try to participate in a poly triangle with the woman he wants to bring in. It might even work out okay, if that woman does some growing up. But your man needs to do some growing up too.
I won't try to dissuade you, but understand, I don't have the power to change this woman's personality, nor do I know of any advice I can give you to make that woman change yourself. She is who she is, and will only dig her heels in deeper if you try to correct her.
I think the best thing you can do, if you go forward with this poly proposal, is to learn as much as you can about polyamory. Learn by exploring the various threads and boards on this forum, and learn by reading poly books (and visiting poly websites), "More than Two" in particular.
Oh and please do continue to post on this thread; let us know how things are going. We can help you if you'll keep in touch!
Sincerely,
Kevin T.