Confused Asexual

PabloBear

New member
I have been in a monogamous relationship for almost 5 years now, and during those 5 years I have still been discovering more about myself and the extent of my asexuality. I have been pretty certain and accepting of it for a while now, or so I thought.

I moved further away from my partner recently and I developed feelings for another person. That other person would not be as okay with having a relationship with someone who was asexual, which made me quite upset. Obviously this shouldn't matter as I am in a relationship anyway but it does.
This has led me to question quite a lot about my relationship, my asexuality, and if I actually want monogamy as I still care a lot about my long term partner too and don't want to lose them.

Has anyone else been in this situation? I don't even know if my partner or the other person would entertain the possibility of polyamory and I'm not even certain if that is what I want here, but some advice in figuring that out would be much appreciated.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
In the end, the one who holds the answers to those things is you yourself. Not sure how people could help you other than maybe just talking with you?

You mention a lot of self discovery. At this time...how are you using the word "asexual?"


I have been pretty certain and accepting of it for a while now, or so I thought.

a) Was this the unexpected and confusing thing? You thought you knew yourself and had your preferences figured out and... surprise!

I moved further away from my partner recently and I developed feelings for another person.

b) Was this the unexpected and confusing thing? You didn't think you could develop feelings for someone other than your partner?

That other person would not be as okay with having a relationship with someone who was asexual, which made me quite upset. Obviously this shouldn't matter as I am in a relationship anyway but it does.

c) Or maybe this part was the unexpected and confusing thing? That the other person wasn't up for a romance with someone asexual? Or they aren't attracted to ace people? Or your own emotions around this -- like you are surprised it bothered you?

I don't even know if my partner or the other person would entertain the possibility of polyamory and I'm not even certain if that is what I want here, but some advice in figuring that out would be much appreciated.

d) Or maybe this is the part that is unexpected and confusing? You never thought about what an asexual person in a polyamorous relationship might be like. And having thought about it, you wonder if you prefer being an asexual person in a monogamous relationship or not?

e) Or more like a combo of things? If a combo, maybe you could estimate percentages? Like 30% from A, 25% from B and so on? Maybe that helps you start coming to terms with stuff or identifying which issue is the biggest concern?

Galagirl
 

PabloBear

New member
In the end, the one who holds the answers to those things is you yourself. Not sure how people could help you other than maybe just talking with you?

You mention a lot of self discovery. At this time...how are you using the word "asexual?"




a) Was this the unexpected and confusing thing? You thought you knew yourself and had your preferences figured out and... surprise!



b) Was this the unexpected and confusing thing? You didn't think you could develop feelings for someone other than your partner?



c) Or maybe this part was the unexpected and confusing thing? That the other person wasn't up for a romance with someone asexual? Or they aren't attracted to ace people? Or your own emotions around this -- like you are surprised it bothered you?



d) Or maybe this is the part that is unexpected and confusing? You never thought about what an asexual person in a polyamorous relationship might be like. And having thought about it, you wonder if you prefer being an asexual person in a monogamous relationship or not?

e) Or more like a combo of things? If a combo, maybe you could estimate percentages? Like 30% from A, 25% from B and so on? Maybe that helps you start coming to terms with stuff or identifying which issue is the biggest concern?

Galagirl
The word asexual I am using to mean not wanting to engage in sexual activity. I would tell partners worst case scenario which is no sex, but I probably fit more under grey-ace but it gives them a better idea and doesn't have them assume "oh well its not never" when it is most of the time.

Pretty much a combo of everything.
It was all unexpected. I didn't really understand having feelings for someone else while in a relationship could be a sign poly could be worth exploring. Instead I had previously assumed I should split up with a partner as I clearly didn't like them as much as I thought I did. I also thought when I discovered the concept of asexual that was me figured out but the concept of poly has changed that.

Basically I wanted some people to let me know if this was similar to their discovery of being poly and could be worth me seriously considering, I just feel like being ace complicates everything.

Estimating percentages could be a good way to determine whats my biggest concerns and what the next step for me would be, thanks for the suggestion, I'll give it a try!
 

PolAmy

New member
Maybe you should open up about your poly desire with your partner. He might be relieved to have the freedom to find someone to have sex with more frequently. Is he asexual as well?
 

PabloBear

New member
Maybe you should open up about your poly desire with your partner. He might be relieved to have the freedom to find someone to have sex with more frequently. Is he asexual as well?
No they are not asexual but they have been unbelievably supportive and made it clear it doesn't bother them. I am unsure how they would feel about poly but I would like to have an open conversation about it with them. I just wanted some advice from this community first and work it out a little more myself before I bring it up to them because the last thing I want is to mess up a conversation like that.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello PabloBear,

Polyamory often involves sex, but not always, mostly it involves romance (or emotional involvement). You can be in love both with your partner and with the other person, and still not want sex with either of them (or at least, not very often). I don't mean to tell you what to do, but polyamory does seem like it would be a positive possibility for you. You just need to take it slow, and talk about it each little step of the way.

Hopefully the good members here can help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
I just feel like being ace complicates everything.

Maybe, but that depends a lot on the type of relationships you are interested in taking part in. If you are having a traditional relationship where all of the standard boxes need to get ticked: live together, have sex together on a "regular" basis, share a hobby together, get craze-balls jealous about stupid stuff, then yeah I think being asexual would be a REAL problem. Someone not having sex in these types of relationships is a sign that something has gone critically wrong.

If you go the path of Relationship Anarchy, Solo-Polyamory, or any model that relies more on custom fitting a relationship style to the people in it, your chances of finding a successful concoction goes up. The best article I ever found on Relationship Anarchy was actually written from the perspective of an asexual person. They really broke down what is actually important in healthy relating, and how leaning on the idea of "sex is a sign of a healthy relationship" can be corrosive and impede living our best lives.

When we stop ranking relationships by how much boning goes on in them, we can learn to have respect for the really valuable things in an association. This isn't meant to imply that sex shouldn't be a part of a healthy breakfast, just that there are LOTS of components and we should stop putting our finger on the scale when talking about sex.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
The word asexual I am using to mean not wanting to engage in sexual activity. I would tell partners worst case scenario which is no sex, but I probably fit more under grey-ace but it gives them a better idea and doesn't have them assume "oh well its not never" when it is most of the time.

Thanks for clarifying where you land.

It was all unexpected. I didn't really understand having feelings for someone else while in a relationship could be a sign poly could be worth exploring. Instead I had previously assumed I should split up with a partner as I clearly didn't like them as much as I thought I did. I also thought when I discovered the concept of asexual that was me figured out but the concept of poly has changed that.Basically I wanted some people to let me know if this was similar to their discovery of being poly and could be worth me seriously considering...

A lot of people come to realize that they can have feelings for someone else even while partnered. I think that part of it is common enough.

It doesn't have to mean they don't love their partner enough. It doesn't have to mean they should break up. It doesn't mean there is something "wrong" with them. It doesn't mean they HAVE to pursue the new crush either. To me it simply means one is alive and notices beauty in the world.

Does it mean they should change to doing poly? Not necessarily. That's different question to me.

If you want to seriously considering doing poly and what that might mean for you? You can do that kind of thinking. Do some reading, some soul searching.

I just feel like being ace complicates everything.

Polamory means "many loves." While sometimes poly people share sex, they don't have to. One can be ace and poly with more than one romantic partner.

I am unsure how they would feel about poly but I would like to have an open conversation about it with them. I just wanted some advice from this community first and work it out a little more myself before I bring it up to them because the last thing I want is to mess up a conversation like that.

Understandable. You want to eventually talk to partner about what's been on your mind lately. You just want to gather your thoughts together first.

I don't know if any of these would help you any.




Galagirl
 
Top