Confused on how to feel or do

Everything seems to be falling....

Yeah I believe we are going fast. He told me that since Alyssa and him are very, very similar. And that she is the exact thing he's wanted in a girlfriend, that their bond is stronger than me and his relationship. But he also did say that since he had to work through our relationship, our bond/relationship is more meaningful. Its been very hard for me see them together, because of how well they get along. And it feels like whenever I am with them, they are in their own bubble, and I'm just sort of there. I asked him if he feels like he's staying only to keep me happy, and he said it does feel like an obligation to stay with me but that he loves me too much to leave. I love him a lot and want to see him happy, but at the same time it hurts to see him with her and talking to her all the time when he's with me. He says he wants both of us, but it feels like his heart is more with her. My insecurities and jealously and negative thinking always seems to get in the way and I'm always communicating about it, but I know I'm exhausting them with everything. I'm trying my hardest to change myself to be more positive and stop all these negative thoughts/actions. I want us all to work out and to get along but right now it seems so hard. I guess i feel like I'm the one whose making all of our relationships fall apart because I can't let go of all of this negative thoughts and feelings. I feel like this whole relationship is like a test to prove our relationships and also a challenge for me be a better person, it's just been a difficult time. :(
 
I could be wrong. But my opinion? I think he rushes in way fast. Both on this one and the one before. That behavior does not contribute to "stability." Neither does saying any of these to you:

  • he was thinking about breaking up with you and going to the other girl
  • he says he's staying only to keep you happy
  • she is the exact thing he's wanted in a girlfriend and their bond is stronger than the (you + him) relationship.
  • talking to her all the time when he's with you
  • he says his heart is more with her.

None of that sounds loving toward you or stability building.

I'm trying my hardest to change myself to be more positive and stop all these negative thoughts/actions.
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I don't know what actions you are doing since you do not say.

But I don't think there's anything wrong with your response of thinking this is not great or you feeling unsafe, not secure and not stable in this relationship. The relationship is just not stable. You guys don't sound deeply compatible, and he treats you poorly. (telling you crap, neglecting you, rushing, etc).

You are turning it inward like there's something wrong you did because you are not feeling "positive" in an unstable relationship. What is there to feel positive about? :confused:

My opinion? If he doesn't want to treat you well? Not even treat you well in a decent break up? Could stop choosing to stay here. You are in charge of your "staying-ness." You could change your mind on that. You could remove yourself so his behaviors no longer can ding you.

I asked him if he feels like he's staying only to keep me happy, and he said it does feel like an obligation to stay with me but that he loves me too much to leave.
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Are you supposed to be grateful that he's doing you some big favor? Your own relationship is only 9 mos long, but he loves you "too much" to leave but not enough to treat you well? While at the same time telling you his relationship with Alyssa is stronger than yours and his? I think he's crazy.

To me it sounds like he wants to keep you around for back up because he loves himself and/or he loves you being his emotional dumpster. And he doesn't want to deal with any yucky feelings from an Alyssa break up alone or without a dumpster handy.

Like...

"Treating you well is a chore to me (obligation). But I like using you as my emotional dumpster when I need one, and I don't want to lose that. (leave). So to gain access to you, I just give you the bare minimum to keep you on the string. (actions)"​

That might be a good deal for him, but it sounds like a rotten deal for you. I wonder if he's an NRE junkie and wants to flit from one to another for the "high" while having a security blanket of you in between?

I'm the one whose making all of our relationships fall apart because I can't let go of all of this negative thoughts and feelings.
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Being someone's back up plan and enduring being treated poorly and feeling drained in the meanwhile? That sucks. :(

I don't think you need to work to let go of feeling angry/like crap when someone steps all over you or takes you for granted. Those feelings are like a smoke alarm telling you there's a fire. When there's a fire, you put out the fire or leave the building in order to be safe. You do not disconnect the smoke alarm or pretend you don't hear the beeping.

Break ups are not fun. But to me is is better to deal with the (short term stink of a break up) than be (drained and vampired long term.) If it were me I would leave.

Being with him all rush-y and impulsive like that sounds exhausting to me and like you aren't having much fun. :(

I suggest that rather than turning it inward like there must be something wrong with you? You could start to assess this situation instead. Decide if it is still something you want to participate in joyfully because you get your needs met here and because you get enough return for your investment. Or not.

Galagirl
 
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Basically, I just want to "+1" everything GalaGirl just said.

As was mentioned earlier in this thread, you should really consider what you're getting out of opening up this relationship. It sounds like you're going through a challenging time and your boyfriend is firmly controlling the pace of things. I think it's important for everyone in a relationship to try to move with consideration to everyone else's "speed".

Also, many polyamorous people don't do group hangout time with their lovers. It isn't part of the Poly Code (tm) that you be present for your boyfriend's NRE-soaked Alyssa time. Please don't think it's necessary to be present for something so challenging to prove your poly cred or whatever.

Full disclosure: I am in an open triad and the three of us hang out together frequently, and it has been working out great. While such situations are possible, they're certainly not a requirement.
 
The also unattractive alternative explanation is that he does want to break up with you but is being somewhat of a coward about it. He figures on some level that you will finally have had enough and will do the breaking up so he doesn't have to take the risk or be the "bad guy". Whatever relationship you had that was so good before? Seems like it is pretty much gone and so fighting to preserve it is a tragic use of your emotional energy. It is difficult that the two of you live together, but perhaps you have friends you could go stay with for a trial separation? Gets you away from his negativity and their NRE so you can see things from a clearer perspective. If tyou have the option don't go back just on his pleas that he needs you. Look at his actual behavior.

Leetah
 
Why the hell do you subject yourself to this if it hurts so much? You should not be required to hang out with them. It amazes me the bullshit people will endure. Your bf sounds so immature to me. You don't need to go along with this. Find your backbone and speak up, hon! Have your own time with your bf, or get another one of your own, and stop feeling like you all have to be together at one time - that is ridiculous!!!
 
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LovelessLiz094 said:
Yeah I believe we are going fast. He told me that since Alyssa and him are very, very similar. And that she is the exact thing he's wanted in a girlfriend, that their bond is stronger than me and his relationship. But he also did say that since he had to work through our relationship, our bond/relationship is more meaningful. Its been very hard for me see them together, because of how well they get along. And it feels like whenever I am with them, they are in their own bubble, and I'm just sort of there. I asked him if he feels like he's staying only to keep me happy, and he said it does feel like an obligation to stay with me but that he loves me too much to leave. I love him a lot and want to see him happy, but at the same time it hurts to see him with her and talking to her all the time when he's with me. He says he wants both of us, but it feels like his heart is more with her. My insecurities and jealously and negative thinking always seems to get in the way and I'm always communicating about it, but I know I'm exhausting them with everything. I'm trying my hardest to change myself to be more positive and stop all these negative thoughts/actions. I want us all to work out and to get along but right now it seems so hard. I guess i feel like I'm the one whose making all of our relationships fall apart because I can't let go of all of this negative thoughts and feelings. I feel like this whole relationship is like a test to prove our relationships and also a challenge for me be a better person, it's just been a difficult time. :(
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At first reading I thought that a few responses to your thread seemed overly critical on some things. Looking over it there is some valid point's made.
I think that you already know what your future is with your relationship. Your doing all you can do to show that you are trying to accommodate his experiment, even though your conflicted. I see a lot of red flag's here, you do not have to do anything - if you feel it is wrong, it is. Sometimes people get those negative feeling's for a reason. You are not the bad guy if you say thing's are not working the way you want.
I must ask, what are you looking for, how do you think poly will work for you? What do you want out of this relationship?
This is not for everyone, and it sound's like your trying the best you can. You shouldn't get exhausted over making thing's work, relationship's can be challenging at times, but the difficult time's should only be a small part of a relationship in my opinion.
 
Hi LovelessLiz094,

Three things in particular worry me about your situation.

  • Your boyfriend thought about replacing you with Alyssa. (Good grief!)
  • He feels connected with Alyssa more strongly than with you.
  • He says it feels like an obligation to stay with you. (And in the same breath claims that he loves you. I doubt that!)
Because of those things, I would suggest either leaving him or being ready to leave him at a moment's notice. You shouldn't waste your life on someone who plays these kinds of games with you.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
Update

Here's an update from my last post since December. After neglecting me for his girlfriend Alyssa and after she called me some very disrespectful choice words while drunk and while on the phone with me and Jacob as well. He broke it off.me and the other girl don't talk, and him and I are starting to stop talk. I found out through the grapevine, that he's going to propose to his girlfriend [whom I might add, is still a teenager, not even 18 yet, and in which they have only been dating for 4 months now] But he has been contacting me quite a bit to say that he still loves me a lot and he still wants something with me because he still wants a poly relationship with all of three of us again, which does not make any sense. So I told him I didn't want that and pretty soon, within the month or so, I'll be moving back in with my parents. Yeah it was a lot of unnecessary drama with them and I am so glad I'm out of it. I am not sure about my stance on polyamorous relationships right now in this time thought but I thought it would be nice to update everyone on this.
 
Good for you! Telling him NO when he came sniffing back around.

I am glad you are able call it what it is -- unnecessary drama. I am glad you are out of it and staying out of it. Glad to hear you are moving back in with you parents. Could block his and her phone, email, FB -- whatever it is you need to do so you can enjoy having some peace and quiet.

No more drama from either one of those two for you!

Galagirl
 
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Hi Loveless,

Thanks for your update, I am sorry Alyssa acted so crazy, and even more sorry about how your (ex-) boyfriend treated you. I hope things go better for you in the months ahead.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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