Confused, scared, transitioning from swinging to polyamory

S

serellen

New member
My boyfriend and I have been swinging for a very long time and I was totally comfortable with that lifestyle. We had lots of fun with it. He has always been able to play alone on the side, as have I.

Our relationship has ventured to the seriousness of talking about getting married very soon.

Anyhow, he has been seeing a girl for a about a month now. She seemed very cool. He decided to tell her that he was, in fact, in a serious relationship with me. She was not shocked or surprised. She welcomed it. He proposed that the three of us venture into a poly relationship.

It sounded like a good idea. I had never done it before, but agreed to do so. She and I get along wonderfully and I think the world of her. She is not where the problem lies. When the three of us are together, it seems that he is constantly being completely affectionate with her. I know I shouldn't compare the things he does with her to what he does with me, but it's hard. I get this painful feeling in my stomach. At times I feel like I'm intruding on them and should give them privacy in my own home.

Why do I feel this way? Him touching another woman when we swung never bothered me. But now I feel as though I'm invisible. It's like-- he doesn't kiss me that way. He doesn't just randomly reach over to touch me like that.

I don't like feeling this way. This weekend was very bad. We spent the whole weekend together, and at times I felt like I was a third wheel and it freaked me out and we had a big argument. I told him how I was feeling. He said it's because it's new, and to give it time for things to settle in. So I agreed. Today I told him I had questions and he was like, "Stop worrying about the future and just enjoy it!"

Both of them have been in poly relationships in the past and know what to expect. I don't.
Will he always still live with me?
Will we still get married?
How will she feel when we do?
What happens to us if this doesn't work?

God, I'm scared.
 
First off, welcome to the forum.

I would hope that if your fiance and his new gf have had poly relationships before, they'd be a little keener about helping you answer your questions. If not, I think you found a good place for them here. I'm sure some others will jump in.

You do have some important questions that you're perfectly justified in asking, although the actual answers may be a little elusive. Keep asking them, anyway.

It does sound like they're in the middle of NRE, so he may be right that it'll settle out eventually.. But that doesn't mean you can't make your needs known, nor that you should just sit down, be quiet and 'enjoy it' in the meantime.

If you have questions, ask them. Needs, communicate them. Fears, investigate them. I don't think I've heard of a poly relationship yet that suffered from 'too much' communication.

The upshot is, you may have a lovely and fulfilling relationship coming your way. I'd be remiss if I didn't suggest to embrace it.
 
When I was in a triad, one of my biggest problems was trying to balance every action with one woman with a similar action with the other. It took awhile to realize that we all needed to talk about what we wanted. It turned out that I had overstressed on a few things like cuddle time at night. One woman wanted it more than the other and was fine with a lot less cuddling. One wanted more alone date time with me than the other. we just had to all sit down together and talk about what we liked while also re-emphasizing that we were not mad or cross at anyone.
 
Hi and welcome, it sounds like you are going through a very painful experience.

You say these guys have been in polyamorous relationships before but maybe they have forgotten many of the differences between swinging and polyamory?

There is a world of difference and you need to make your boyfriend aware of your fears and take them seriously. Learn about polyamory yourself, educate your boyfriend and his girlfriend and set out your boundaries and needs, then negotiate.

That sort of sums it up in a nutshell but getting comfortable with polyamory is a process that can take a long time. There is plenty of help if you read the threads on here, also the poly/mono forum on yahoo and I started a blog (link below) to help me come to terms with my own poly partner.

All the best
 
sage said:
Hi and welcome, it sounds like you are going through a very painful experience.

You say these guys have been in polyamorous relationships before but maybe they have forgotten many of the differences between swinging and polyamory?

There is a world of difference and you need to make your boyfriend aware of your fears and take them seriously. Learn about polyamory yourself, educate your boyfriend and his girlfriend and set out your boundaries and needs, then negotiate.

That sort of sums it up in a nutshell but getting comfortable with polyamory is a process that can take a long time. There is plenty of help if you read the threads on here, also the poly/mono forum on yahoo and I started a blog (link below) to help me come to terms with my own poly partner.

All the best
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I am trying to voice my concerns, but he keeps telling me to stop worrying, that if I keep on, it is only pushing him away. He said I'm freaking out because of things I am reading, and I need to stop and just enjoy it, that he isn't going anywhere, and that I agreed to this so...

And what is he supposed to do now that we have established this? We can't go backward.

Last night was wayyy better, as far as giving attention to both and being more sociable. However, at the end of the night he kissed her and told her he loved her, and that threw me for a loop!

How does one balance all this? How does one not feel as though she is competing?
 
First of all, you're not competing, not in a true poly relationship. He loves you both. You have definite qualities that she doesn't that he appreciates, whether you see it or not.

I'm concerned that he keeps telling you to stop worrying. This seems dismissive and bound to build resentment and fear. We use the word "transparent" a lot, and basically it means that we have to come out and *talk* about the things which matter to us, even if it's uncomfortable, and we have to respect our partners' needs, even if we don't understand or agree with them. (Note that respect does not mean that we have to comply, but we do have to talk and come to a compromise, because we love them and want them to be happy.)

I'm glad that he keeps saying that he won't go anywhere-- it sounds like that's something you need to hear-- but it seems like perhaps he's replaying an old scenario he's experienced and not actually seeing what's really going on right now. I think it might be easier if you figure out what will make you feel safe and happy and then approach him with what you need. Stating your needs in a calm manner helps get the message across. I think you should also state that you don't think he's hearing you.

Also, be as detailed as you can. I've found that saying, "I need more time with you" is not the same and nowhere near as effective as saying, "I need more time with you where we are actually touching. What I would really like is to take about an hour or so with just the two of us, cuddled up on the couch, talking about our day. I would like to be alone with you."

Be sure exactly what you need. I've had trouble in the past with asking for one thing and actually needing another. It might be helpful for you to figure out what makes you feel loved and ask for that on a daily basis. For example, I respond to touch and I distrust words, so while Easy can say "I love you" all day long, I need him to follow up with a hug or a kiss. It took me a while to figure out how to ask for that, but now I feel better. Also, if you look at your partner doing something to his girlfriend that you would like, too, why don't you just ask? It's hard, but so worth it. When I see Easy kiss our girlfriend, and it pops into my head that I would like to be kissed, too, I just say, "Me too!" and he's happy to comply. Then we're all happy.

Going backward is possible, but keep in mind that it's often referred to as "the nuclear option". That's because asking your boyfriend to give up someone he loves is like employing a nuclear bomb--lots and lots of fallout. It is not something to be asked for lightly. But, I don't think it's necessary here. Once you get used to hearing him say he loves someone else, and once you see that your needs can get met, it won't feel so threatening. You might even start to think that it's nice. :) It can be ridiculously happy-making to feel surrounded by your chosen family.
 
Lemondrop said:
First of all, you're not competing, not in a true poly relationship. He loves you both. You have definite qualities that she doesn't that he appreciates, whether you see it or not.

I'm concerned that he keeps telling you to stop worrying. This seems dismissive and bound to build resentment and fear. We use the word "transparent" a lot, and basically it means that we have to come out and *talk* about the things which matter to us, even if it's uncomfortable, and we have to respect our partners' needs even if we don't understand or agree with them. (Note that respect does not mean that we have to comply, but we do have to talk and come to a compromise, because we love them and want them to be happy.) I'm glad that he keeps saying that he won't go anywhere--it sounds like that's something you need to hear--but it sounds like perhaps he's replaying an old scenario he's experienced and not really seeing what's really going on right now. I think it might be easier if you figure out what will make you feel safe and happy and then approach him with what you need. Stating your needs in a calm manner helps get the message across. I think you should also state that you don't think he's hearing you. Also, be as detailed as you can. I've found that saying, "I need more time with you" is not the same and nowhere near as effective as saying, "I need more time with you where we are actually touching. What I would really like is to take about an hour or so with just the two of us, cuddled up on the couch, talking about our day. I would like to be alone with you." Be sure exactly what you need--I've had trouble in the past with asking for one thing and actually needing another. It might be helpful for you to figure out what makes you feel loved and ask for that on a daily basis. For example, I respond to touch and I distrust words, so while Easy can say "I love you" all day long, I need him to follow up with a hug or a kiss. It took me a while to figure out how to ask for that, but now I feel better. Also, if you look at your partner doing something to his girlfriend that you would like, too, why don't you just ask? It's hard, but so worth it. When I see Easy kiss our girlfriend, and it pops into my head that I would like to be kissed, too, I just say, "Me too!" and he's happy to comply. Then we're all happy.

Going backward is possible, but keep in mind that it's often referred to as "the nuclear option". That's because asking your boyfriend to give up someone he loves is like employing a nuclear bomb--lots and lots of fallout. It is not something to be asked for lightly. But, I don't think it's necessary here. Once you get used to hearing him say he loves someone else, and once you see that your needs can get met, it won't feel so threatening. You might even start to think that it's nice. :) It can be ridiculously happy-making to feel surrounded by your chosen family.
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Thank you. You guys are making me feel much better.

He tells me I will always be number one, but he does have feelings for her and wants to keep her around for always, as well. I asked him what happens if she decides she wants more and he promises me that if it came to that he would tell her that he cannot give her more, that my place stands, that I am the one he is going to marry.

I want her around. I love her to death. She is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. She makes me happy and all tingly and makes me feel good when she is around. So it's really not her.

..................................

I think it's the fact that I'm more of a reserved person and she is more outgoing.

I think also the fact that he is in love with her, and never discussed with me that his feelings had gotten that strong, and I had to get blindsided by it. It was a shock, and brought all the fears rushing in again, like they are keeping things from me. I feel if it is going to work that he should have sat me down and told me, instead of me hearing it and having no prior knowledge.

He says to stop freaking out. He says that the only thing that will cause him to leave me would be my attitude, not her. I believe that. I know that I am ruining things because I am freaking out. I know I need to get a handle on it. I really am trying. I would do anything in the world to make him happy.

When we first started, I was feeling left out. He was touching her constantly and giving me nothing. Last night was our first night together since he promised to make things better for me. He did amazing. I felt a part of everything instead of being on the sidelines. I was pumped finally. I was like, "Wow, I can handle this."

Then he said "I love you" to her, and I was like, "Wow, where did that come from? When did that happen? How come he didn't tell me he had these feelings?" and felt I was not a part of things yet again.

I know he doesn't have to discuss everything they do or say to each other. I know that they have to have their time together alone, as well. But shouldn't he talk to me about major things like falling in love with her?

What do they keep private? What things should they share, or we share as a whole?
 
so .. ok.. I ventured into the unknown and I went to her.. I talked to her about how I was feeling .. my fears.. my insecurities and so on and so forth.. we had a wonderful talk and she assures me that everything is ok.. she is not there to step on toes or cross boundries.. and that she came in to add to the relationship not to hurt it in any way.. she says she does love him and and she adores me so .. I think we are going to be ok.. she gave me what i needed to let things go.. and embrace it.. keep your fingers crossed im able to do just that.. .. im excitingly looking forward to a future with the two of them.. i think tonight for the first time in weeks ill be able to go to bed with a clear head and wake up with no fears tommorrow..
 
Good news and I'm glad to hear it! There are bound to be times that you feel blindsided, because this is all new to you and it's scary. But I have faith that you can work through it, and it sounds like she's a great person. :)
 
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