I'm feeling confused about issues with my girlfriend. A few months ago, she cheated on me with a new friend of ours. She nearly broke up with me twice purely out of feelings of guilt over betraying my trust. We've decided to consider a poly relationship. The trouble is that while I feel open to the idea, she has her eyes on the guy she cheated on me with. All three of us agree that the relationship between her and I take priority, but there's still a part of me that says that even if we do open up our relationship to more people he's already violated that trust. It feels like I'm inviting the guy who stole my TV over for a beer or something. Any thoughts from some more experienced people?
Confused with poly girlfriend
- Thread starter theroha
- Start date
I understand your feelings. However, logically speaking if your gf were willing to break trust to be with this guy, then in opening up the relationship it would be natural for her to include him.
However, before opening up, has your gf re-established her trustworthiness to you? If the answer is yes, then you need to trust her. If the answer is no, then ask yourself what she needs to do to return to your good graces. (And if the answer is something like she hasn't suffered enough, then I suggest you look at your own psyche.)
As for the guy in question, has he attempted to make amends? Have you told him the analogy that you just told us?
However, before opening up, has your gf re-established her trustworthiness to you? If the answer is yes, then you need to trust her. If the answer is no, then ask yourself what she needs to do to return to your good graces. (And if the answer is something like she hasn't suffered enough, then I suggest you look at your own psyche.)
As for the guy in question, has he attempted to make amends? Have you told him the analogy that you just told us?
chg2winter
New member
trust
Once trust is lost it is hard to regain.
Why do you want to stay with her? What is the motivator for you to stay with someone you don't trust?
And if the only reason you are considering poly is because you feel like she is going to cheat on you if you don't...then problems are not going to stop. Polyamory as a tool to fix a broken relationship is a hard road.
In my opinion, I would break up with her and find someone you can trust. That might be her, later
Once trust is lost it is hard to regain.
Why do you want to stay with her? What is the motivator for you to stay with someone you don't trust?
And if the only reason you are considering poly is because you feel like she is going to cheat on you if you don't...then problems are not going to stop. Polyamory as a tool to fix a broken relationship is a hard road.
In my opinion, I would break up with her and find someone you can trust. That might be her, later
I understand where everyone is coming from. We've been working hard to reestablish trust and everything. My gf has been open about everything. I guess the biggest trouble for me is that things went back to normal between the three of us too fast, especially with him. She's been working hard to regain my trust all this time, but a week after we started letting him back in he just nonchalantly stopped by the walmart where she works to visit. She chewed him out in front of her coworkers for being in the same room with her without telling me he was going to be there. She has been fiercely protective of our relationship.
As for why I want to stay with her, that is easier for me to sort out emotionally. We have a good relationship built on trust, shared interests, good relations with each others families, and a pretty good sex life. When she cheated on me, it was a complicated situation. It happened when she was under so much stress that she nearly had a mental breakdown. He is the first friend she has had in months since our old group of friends started to ostricize her all because an old ex decided he ruled the school. They never had sex, though that doesn't help much. And I figured out what happened three days afterward (three days where she and I were always together) so there wasn't some long term affair. She was nearly suicidal from the guilt of hurting me. I honestly couldn't hate or mistrust her over everything that happened if I tried. I've let them stay friends because they are pretty much each others only friends at the moment, and I don't want to be the ass hole who says that they can't have friends.
As for the open relationship part, she is bi so we've talked from time to time about the possibility of bringing another woman into the relationship so she can explore that side of herself. I know it makes me a hypocrite to say that I'm open to another woman being in the relationship but that I don't want her with this guy, but right now, how I feel is that it really is this particular guy. I'm the kind of person that wants control in my life; you can stab me in the back if you want, but you better ask my permission first. They messed up behind my back. If it was another guy she wanted to date, I honestly don't know how I'd feel about that, but I'm open to exploring the idea before I say no. I'm also open to the fact that I might say no even if it was another woman who wanted to date me and just sleep with my girl from time to time. I put my current relationship before all others. There's also the issue of the other guy's attitude about an open relationship. We've made efforts to try to get him dating, but he's told my gf that he only wants to date someone who will let him be in an open relationship with her. I feel like there is a disconnect with every one's goals. He wants an open relationship with my girl, though he says that he puts our primary relationship first. She puts us first, but she's hoping for an open relationship because she really does have feelings for the other guy. And I'm just trying to maintain my relationship and looking for the best way to make everyone happy without sacrificing my own happiness.
Also, her family hates him because they feel he is a threat to our relationship. They don't know what happened, just that she "had a crush on him". I'm honestly the first good relationship she's ever had (this includes a couple of guys who stopped just short of raping her), and they really don't want to see that fall apart. Simply put, even if we did break up, they couldn't be together even in the next decade because they would be hated by everyone that matters to her.
tl;dr: It's complicated. We've all put the relationship between my girlfriend and I first. They'd cut off all communication with each other if I say the word, but they do have feelings for each other. I'm open to trying out an open relationship, but I have really negative emotions tied to this guy. Do I kick him out of the group or slow things down so that we have time to work through these issues?
As for why I want to stay with her, that is easier for me to sort out emotionally. We have a good relationship built on trust, shared interests, good relations with each others families, and a pretty good sex life. When she cheated on me, it was a complicated situation. It happened when she was under so much stress that she nearly had a mental breakdown. He is the first friend she has had in months since our old group of friends started to ostricize her all because an old ex decided he ruled the school. They never had sex, though that doesn't help much. And I figured out what happened three days afterward (three days where she and I were always together) so there wasn't some long term affair. She was nearly suicidal from the guilt of hurting me. I honestly couldn't hate or mistrust her over everything that happened if I tried. I've let them stay friends because they are pretty much each others only friends at the moment, and I don't want to be the ass hole who says that they can't have friends.
As for the open relationship part, she is bi so we've talked from time to time about the possibility of bringing another woman into the relationship so she can explore that side of herself. I know it makes me a hypocrite to say that I'm open to another woman being in the relationship but that I don't want her with this guy, but right now, how I feel is that it really is this particular guy. I'm the kind of person that wants control in my life; you can stab me in the back if you want, but you better ask my permission first. They messed up behind my back. If it was another guy she wanted to date, I honestly don't know how I'd feel about that, but I'm open to exploring the idea before I say no. I'm also open to the fact that I might say no even if it was another woman who wanted to date me and just sleep with my girl from time to time. I put my current relationship before all others. There's also the issue of the other guy's attitude about an open relationship. We've made efforts to try to get him dating, but he's told my gf that he only wants to date someone who will let him be in an open relationship with her. I feel like there is a disconnect with every one's goals. He wants an open relationship with my girl, though he says that he puts our primary relationship first. She puts us first, but she's hoping for an open relationship because she really does have feelings for the other guy. And I'm just trying to maintain my relationship and looking for the best way to make everyone happy without sacrificing my own happiness.
Also, her family hates him because they feel he is a threat to our relationship. They don't know what happened, just that she "had a crush on him". I'm honestly the first good relationship she's ever had (this includes a couple of guys who stopped just short of raping her), and they really don't want to see that fall apart. Simply put, even if we did break up, they couldn't be together even in the next decade because they would be hated by everyone that matters to her.
tl;dr: It's complicated. We've all put the relationship between my girlfriend and I first. They'd cut off all communication with each other if I say the word, but they do have feelings for each other. I'm open to trying out an open relationship, but I have really negative emotions tied to this guy. Do I kick him out of the group or slow things down so that we have time to work through these issues?
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SouthernGal
New member
That's a rough situation. But you answered your own question. Slow things dow, talk things out, repair your relationship, but leave the option open for her. Let her take the lead on the relationship with him, but make sure you keep the lines of communication open and honest. If you have a problem, talk to her about it in a non-judgemental fashion. It sounds like she really wants to make things work with you, so give her the opportunity to show you and see where it leads with him. Much luck to you!
It sounds like your gf is doing everything she can to make amends, repair your relationship, and prove her trustworthiness. Excellent!
The question remains, has he? It sounds like the issues to be sorted out are now between you and him. So I guess my first question, is there anything he can do to change your feeling? (The answer may be no.) If there is something he could do or needs to be talked out, then that is info that he needs. Have you ever talked to him when your gf was not around?
The question remains, has he? It sounds like the issues to be sorted out are now between you and him. So I guess my first question, is there anything he can do to change your feeling? (The answer may be no.) If there is something he could do or needs to be talked out, then that is info that he needs. Have you ever talked to him when your gf was not around?
SchrodingersCat
Active member
It's not uncommon for someone's first exposure to non-monogamy to be from falling for someone while they're already in a relationship with someone else. It's not uncommon for that to "go somewhere" before the whole idea of polyamory is hashed out between the existing partners.
My hunch is that she's not so much interested in polyamory as a theory, but rather that she's interested in polyamory specifically because she wants to be with this guy without losing you in the bargain.
While rebuilding trust is difficult, it's not impossible. It does require effort on both your parts. You have to want to trust her (it sounds like you do) and she has to want to earn the trust (it sounds like she does). It requires a new level of honesty: for a period, it won't be enough just to "not lie" but to really disclose everything, so that you know there aren't any secrets. Rebuilding trust requires placing privacy as a secondary need.
As for whether the other guy is trustworthy, I would try to see the world through his eyes. Craving love and intimacy, developing an attraction to this great girl, wanting to feel some human connection... those are some pretty significant needs, and it's not surprising that he would place his own needs above the sanctity of your relationship. Many people in his shoes would do the same. It may not be honourable, it may not be ethical, but it is human.
You've not only forgiven her, but you've completely empathized with where she was coming from and why she did it. By the sounds of it, his own situation was even worse than hers -- in addition to her one and only friend, she had you, a loving partner. So if you can be empathetic and understand where she was coming from, what's stopping you from doing the same with the other guy?
Now that's not to say you have to approve full throttle of their relationship right this minute. It's well within your rights to request that they put on the brakes and give your relationship some time to heal before they become more intimate. But I'm not sure it would work out for you so well if you told her you never want her to see this guy. She may agree to it, but she would likely harbour some resentment and that would cause you problems down the road.
My hunch is that she's not so much interested in polyamory as a theory, but rather that she's interested in polyamory specifically because she wants to be with this guy without losing you in the bargain.
While rebuilding trust is difficult, it's not impossible. It does require effort on both your parts. You have to want to trust her (it sounds like you do) and she has to want to earn the trust (it sounds like she does). It requires a new level of honesty: for a period, it won't be enough just to "not lie" but to really disclose everything, so that you know there aren't any secrets. Rebuilding trust requires placing privacy as a secondary need.
As for whether the other guy is trustworthy, I would try to see the world through his eyes. Craving love and intimacy, developing an attraction to this great girl, wanting to feel some human connection... those are some pretty significant needs, and it's not surprising that he would place his own needs above the sanctity of your relationship. Many people in his shoes would do the same. It may not be honourable, it may not be ethical, but it is human.
You've not only forgiven her, but you've completely empathized with where she was coming from and why she did it. By the sounds of it, his own situation was even worse than hers -- in addition to her one and only friend, she had you, a loving partner. So if you can be empathetic and understand where she was coming from, what's stopping you from doing the same with the other guy?
Now that's not to say you have to approve full throttle of their relationship right this minute. It's well within your rights to request that they put on the brakes and give your relationship some time to heal before they become more intimate. But I'm not sure it would work out for you so well if you told her you never want her to see this guy. She may agree to it, but she would likely harbour some resentment and that would cause you problems down the road.
I'm sorry you are struggling. 
Def slow it down!
What you want to do next... you could take your time to decide and not decide while under mega stress!
SHORT VERSION:
If this is more than you want to be dealing in... it's ok if you have hit your personal limitation to say so. Could pick where you are at:
YOU decide what you will and will not participate in, HOW you will behave in it, and HOW you expect to be treated in it by others.
Choose well.
Galagirl
----------------------
LONGER VERSION:
Honestly? I'd wonder if your GF has had enough healing from these things -- rape attempts and suicide attempts/thoughts? -- to be a healthy partner to anyone right now. Polyship or not!
One could not cheat. That is choosing your own behavior. But having cheated? Guilt of dealing with the consequences of your own behavior could not go out to the suicide end! That's extreme!
Trying to heal from rape attempts ALONE is rough.
Either load alone is tough, but BOTH together? AND we want to add healing from a cheating affair? AND we want to launch a new polyship? With the cheating partner?
Jeez -- talk about stress load to have to digest!
She has stress from rape attempt recovery, suicide thoughts recovery, cheating affair recovery, polyship launching.
You have a GF with (rape and suicide recoveries) stress, cheating affair stress, polyship launching stress.
The other BF has GF with (rape and suicide recoveries) stress, cheating affair stress, polyship launching stress.
Things in life happen. Nobody PICKS to be assaulted... but you can pick WHEN you start a polyship. You all could spread this out so it's not all piled on together!
You seem to care for her, so if she has unresolved issues with rape/suicide -- you could encourage her to get appropriate health care/help for them. First things first.
You could also consider not rushing to enter a new relationship with her post cheating. Could choose to have some breather space in between there. You've been through emotional and mental stress. Be friend rather than BF. That isn't "abandoning" her -- that's putting her health ahead of the relationship's health and well being and its problems. Solve one thing at a time.
Then you have THIS other person and his stuff....
Could ask to slow it way down, dude. Why is it even a question? Remember this?
BOTH of your potential poly partners comes with baggage. This makes them the best partners for you HOW at this time?
Is neither one of them willing to slow it down and work out issues? You could not sign up for crazy town polyshipping. Could seek to REDUCE your stress load, not increase it at this time. If they don't want to postpone, you could bow out.
Are you good at being assertive and deciding things for yourself? Is this an intrapersonal skill you are good at or would like to grow? I cannot tell. But you could obey your own limits of tolerance and not ask yourself to go beyond.
If you want to consider if/when you might polyship with these folks...
She seems like she's trying. Probably willing at this time but not actually ABLE at this time if she has other heavy baggage from suicide/rape issues to solve first.
And he's... willing but clueless? Rushing? I don't know. Something.
And you are uncertain in your willingness. You could sort that bit out and become certain and more firm of purpose.
Do you want to be in polyship with him or not? Is it a hard limit?
If it is more of "soft limit" thing that could change over time?
You could make up your mind.
Definitely forgive. You don't need to hold a grudge forever. It is bad for your own mental health.
But "giving opportunity to make amends" and "start a new relationship with her" and "start a new relationship with (him +her)" are optional.
You don't HAVE to opt in to all the above. Could choose only some. Or none. You don't even have to be dating these people at all. You could choose to forgive, end the dating time, and just be friends. Not start ANY new dating with (just her) or with (her as the hinge person and him as the metamour.)
Let me lift up the most important bit you wrote:
Happy WHEN? Right this minute or ultimately? Happy HOW? All dating together or all single or something in between? Could take the TIME out to think all that out. That's what you seem to want and need... so could decide to take the time.
If the best way for all three to have a shot at "ultimately happy" is to not be dating partners right this minute, even though that is disappointing it isn't the end of the world. You could consider it.
Then regroup at a later time to see if NOW is a better time to try to launch a polyship with these (hopefully healthier) people... or not.
Right now you all sound in wonky healths. It's not the best time to be making big decisions in a rush.
Could choose to take the time to make them well.
GL!
Galagirl
Def slow it down!
What you want to do next... you could take your time to decide and not decide while under mega stress!
SHORT VERSION:
If this is more than you want to be dealing in... it's ok if you have hit your personal limitation to say so. Could pick where you are at:
- I want to be friends at this time.
- I want to be your BF, not one of your poly BFs at this time. I only want to deal in (you + me) while you are dealing with your rape/suicide healing.
- I want to be one of your poly BFs at this time but not with HIM.
- I want to be one of your poly BFs at this time.
YOU decide what you will and will not participate in, HOW you will behave in it, and HOW you expect to be treated in it by others.
Choose well.
Galagirl
----------------------
LONGER VERSION:
Honestly? I'd wonder if your GF has had enough healing from these things -- rape attempts and suicide attempts/thoughts? -- to be a healthy partner to anyone right now. Polyship or not!
One could not cheat. That is choosing your own behavior. But having cheated? Guilt of dealing with the consequences of your own behavior could not go out to the suicide end! That's extreme!
Trying to heal from rape attempts ALONE is rough.
Either load alone is tough, but BOTH together? AND we want to add healing from a cheating affair? AND we want to launch a new polyship? With the cheating partner?
Jeez -- talk about stress load to have to digest!
She has stress from rape attempt recovery, suicide thoughts recovery, cheating affair recovery, polyship launching.
You have a GF with (rape and suicide recoveries) stress, cheating affair stress, polyship launching stress.
The other BF has GF with (rape and suicide recoveries) stress, cheating affair stress, polyship launching stress.
Things in life happen. Nobody PICKS to be assaulted... but you can pick WHEN you start a polyship. You all could spread this out so it's not all piled on together!
You seem to care for her, so if she has unresolved issues with rape/suicide -- you could encourage her to get appropriate health care/help for them. First things first.
You could also consider not rushing to enter a new relationship with her post cheating. Could choose to have some breather space in between there. You've been through emotional and mental stress. Be friend rather than BF. That isn't "abandoning" her -- that's putting her health ahead of the relationship's health and well being and its problems. Solve one thing at a time.
Then you have THIS other person and his stuff....
Could ask to slow it way down, dude. Why is it even a question? Remember this?
BOTH of your potential poly partners comes with baggage. This makes them the best partners for you HOW at this time?
Is neither one of them willing to slow it down and work out issues? You could not sign up for crazy town polyshipping. Could seek to REDUCE your stress load, not increase it at this time. If they don't want to postpone, you could bow out.
Are you good at being assertive and deciding things for yourself? Is this an intrapersonal skill you are good at or would like to grow? I cannot tell.
But you could obey your own limits of tolerance and not ask yourself to go beyond.If you want to consider if/when you might polyship with these folks...
She seems like she's trying. Probably willing at this time but not actually ABLE at this time if she has other heavy baggage from suicide/rape issues to solve first.
And he's... willing but clueless? Rushing? I don't know. Something.
And you are uncertain in your willingness. You could sort that bit out and become certain and more firm of purpose.
Do you want to be in polyship with him or not? Is it a hard limit?
No amount of time could cause you to warm up to him even if he tried to make amends for the cheating start? Don't be in this polyship with him and her then. State your limit so she and he can know where you stand. Help move it forward.
If it is more of "soft limit" thing that could change over time?
So you could be willing to be in polyship in time with these people if conditions are met?
If yes, help move it forward. You all could delineate what behavior each of you could do in the "time out" time to become healthier partners. Could agree on WHEN you all come together in future to assess progress made in that time out time and if launching a polyship NOW is better time to begin.
- She gets help with the rape/suicide health recovery thing?
- And he does ______ behaviors?
- You grow more assertive skills (?)or whatever else you think you need?
If yes, help move it forward. You all could delineate what behavior each of you could do in the "time out" time to become healthier partners. Could agree on WHEN you all come together in future to assess progress made in that time out time and if launching a polyship NOW is better time to begin.
You could make up your mind.
Definitely forgive. You don't need to hold a grudge forever. It is bad for your own mental health.
But "giving opportunity to make amends" and "start a new relationship with her" and "start a new relationship with (him +her)" are optional.
You don't HAVE to opt in to all the above. Could choose only some. Or none. You don't even have to be dating these people at all. You could choose to forgive, end the dating time, and just be friends. Not start ANY new dating with (just her) or with (her as the hinge person and him as the metamour.)
Let me lift up the most important bit you wrote:
Happy WHEN? Right this minute or ultimately? Happy HOW? All dating together or all single or something in between? Could take the TIME out to think all that out. That's what you seem to want and need... so could decide to take the time.
If the best way for all three to have a shot at "ultimately happy" is to not be dating partners right this minute, even though that is disappointing it isn't the end of the world. You could consider it.
- She could take the time out to get herself back to full health and deal with the suicide/rape stuff appropriately with you and him supporting her AS FRIENDS. She could work on her interpersonal skills so he's not breaking/cheating on future agreements to be a better partner.
- He could take the time out to become a better partner and work on his interpersonal skills so he's not breaking/cheating on future agreements.
- You could take the time out to rest from emotional and mental stress and work on whatever skills you need.
Then regroup at a later time to see if NOW is a better time to try to launch a polyship with these (hopefully healthier) people... or not.
Right now you all sound in wonky healths. It's not the best time to be making big decisions in a rush.
Could choose to take the time to make them well.
GL!
Galagirl
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Glad to have some support here. This isn't really something that we can talk about with our friends and family just yet. One thing that we have talked about is going out to find a lover for me (most likely for us to share as well). I, personally, don't think it's fair to ask her to fulfill all of my needs and then have a lover to look after on the side. I know she doesn't feel that way, but I can't help how I feel. I also think I'd be able to understand more of how she feels if I were to have some experience in a poly relationship with another woman. Any thoughts from the community?
Tread carefully. Who brings this up at this time? You or her?
If you... does she agree to assuage her guilt over cheating and skip making good? So then she can relax in her brain because "I have mine" and it is "Ok now because he has his?"
If her... Is this to hurry you along so she can get to dating time and skimp on making amends time? "C'mon, it's great! You could date too and see how great it is!"
You could be very careful making choices right now.
If you mean you think it could be hard for her as the hinge person to have two BFs to be tending to because it takes time and energy and effort than tending to 1 person? You are correct. Tending 2 is more work than tending 1.
She claims to have the ability and you wonder about that? If so? You are correct to wonder about her self assessment of her ability to execute that well.
Given the cheating on you -- If she cannot handle being an honest, forthright partner in a monoship with ONE boyfriend and cheats? How's that good resume for handling herself well in a polyship with 2 BFs?
If there's a string of messed up relationships in her history? Could it be possible that
- Her judgement in choosing healthy partners is weak and could grow better?
- Or she picks them fine, but the common denominator is that her relationshipping skills are weak and could grow better?
- Or it is both -- she picks poor character partners, AND she has poor relationshipping skills.
How's all that stellar resume for handling it in a polyship with more BFs when her relationshipping skills will be put to the test more often? And you already know she picked a guy willing to cheat -- so that's part of your problems today. Are more partners going to come into play over time?
You seem to have a clearer picture of "hinging" and "polyshipping" concerns than she does.
But I still don't get a sense of how good you are at obeying your own limits or setting boundaries. You didn't answer if you are good at being assertive. Are you?
You seem to assume your polyship experience will infold in the same way and be the same / parallel as hers. You seem to assume your feelings will be the same/parallel hers.
If you want to understand HER and HER experiences, you could have emotionally honest talk with her. She could disclose how she feels and explain her point of view and what she's experienced.
You could read poly resources together if she has a hard time articulating so it could be easier for her to point and say "Yeah, I had THAT. No, I never experienced that."
You could NOT add another person to the wacky at this time.
I don't see how adding a 4th player to your polymath at this time helps reduce stress from all the other things you guys are dealing with right now.
You do not seem to consider the other person as a person in their own right. You seem to consider them as a tool --to help fix or enlighten whatever is missing here or distract from tending to problems here. What if they don't WANT to be "shared?"
I do not see how it is yummy cookies for the 4th player to enter into a polyship network with
a) a BF that is you, who is already stressed, and now learning to be hinge yourself
b) a metamour (her) who is recovering from rape/suicide stuff
c) the metamour's other BF who has the same stresses as the hinge BF (you)
d) a group of 3 people who are recovering from cheating affair
Did you plan to withhold this information from a 4th potential? And start off a relationship with that person with less than full frontal honesty?
I am hoping not, so I will assume you'd be up front. If so? That's not offering yourselves as the healthiest people you could be to begin relating with. Anyone healthy would decline the offer to participate at this time. Anyone wanting to take you all on? Could have WORSE emotional problems themselves and add to the crazy. You don't need MORE crazy. I STRONGLY advise waiting. Remember this?
Could not be making NEW issues by inviting a 4th player into the wacky.
Again... could be very careful about making new choices right now. I think it would serve you better to deal with the old and clear stuff up before embarking on anything new.
Polyshipping has a way of magnifying all the cracks.
Galagirl
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kelda
New member
Hi everyone. This is Theroha's girlfriend, Kelda. First off, I want to thank you all for not judging me and being very supportive. I am so shocked that none of you completely hate me, because of what I've done. I'm dealing right now with the guilt myself, but it is getting better. My honey and I are doing SO much better in the past three week than, honestly, how we have been in a long time. Theroha has given me permission to come on here and clear up some things about the situation, and my own relationship history.
First off, I want to say, that yes my history with men has been hellish. My biological sperm donor, we will call him Ted, was abusive physically, emotionally, and psychologically to me as a child. On top of all that I want to point out one thing that is very important:
I have autism.
Being social has been difficult for me, let alone being in a romantic relationship period. Theroha is the best man I have EVER allowed into my life. Yet I do want to make things clear about the near rapes and depression of my past. I have done work. I have healed. When these things happened I never turned to drugs, alcohol, or anything else destructive toward my mind or body. I wrote. I prayed. I did work on myself. And I want people to know you never fully heal from such a past. You just learn to deal with the pain as best as possible, and live with it, which I think I have. I am a junior in college, have written a lot of works, and I also give my time to help others that have autism. I'm not a young woman with daddy issues, I am just a young woman who has had to deal with struggles and emotional pain that NO HUMAN should ever have to go through, and I pray none of you have.
I want to address what happened with the affair. This man, I will call him Henry, is someone I do truly and deeply care for. I do love him. I met him a while back, and believe me, Theroha and I were happy in our relationship when this happened. I mean, there were a few things we were having difficulty with (like communication) but we were still very, very happy. Yet the first day I met Henry my heart stopped. Even when I first saw him there was a quick connection. We all became fast friends in three days. For the next week Henry and I RP-ed online with a friend of ours, just doing adventure quest stuff. After our friend would get off line, Henry and I would talk. Our pasts are very similar. We both had abusive fathers. We both went through unimaginable pain with the opposite sex. We understood each others pain, which is something Theroha has freely admitted he doesn't get.
My honey had a wonderful childhood growing up, THANK GOD, and his life has been pretty awesome. He hasn't had the tragedy I've grown up with, but he does sympathize with me, and that's important. But he doesn't quite understand the hurt I feel, and Henry did and does.
About two weeks after I met Henry, is when the cheating happened. I did not sleep with him. We made out and that is it. Yet the guilt freak'in killed me. I had betrayed Theroha, the man I first, truly loved. But at the same time, I was falling in love with Henry. I was told socially my whole life that this wasn't acceptable, and with my autism on top of all this, it was even more confusing. I wasn't supposed to love two people. I was a freak. I felt like a monster.
I lived in hell the next three days, and at last I told Theroha. I was certain my baby would break up with me. Once before I have had my heart broken, and it literally almost killed me. With all the bad men I've had in my life, I was even scared Theroha was going to bust my head through the car window...what's scarier is that I felt like I deserved it.
Theroha didn't even get mad at me. He was hurt, sad, scared for our relationship but he wasn't mad. Yet I still hated myself, even though he took me back. I'm getting over that now, trying to push through for forgiveness for myself, but it's really hard.
We talked to Henry that night, and we apologized to each other, did lots of crying, and tried to fix things. Henry and I swore we would just remain friends. We all said we would work on things.
I felt like crap for the next two weeks. That is when I realized I truly did love Henry, but I loved Theorha too. I agonized over this. I didn't eat, and I didn't sleep. I just barely functioned. It's kinda amazing that my grades as a junior in college are A's and B's to be honest. I'm amazed that I didn't break down.
At last I told Theroha how I felt, and we both decided with how I felt, and even how Theorha felt, to try an open relationship. And that's where we are now. I AM putting my honey first. He is my primary. My number one. Right now, with Henry, we are working on getting to know him better before Theorha, not I, gives him the ok to date me. We are seeing if this is a possibility. I feel that Theroha and I's relationship is greater than it has ever been. He has said this too. We are over the cheating incident. We are back to trusting each other. I love him, and I will never leave him...even if the poly amour idea doesn't work, I will cut ties with Henry if that means I can stay with Theroha.
I have lost so many in my life. I have loved deeply, and I have lost. Henry is an amazing man, who is like Theroha in so many ways. He has treated me so well, and has respected both of our wishes. I will say this: I don't know what else he could do to try to make what happened with the cheating up to us, or what else he could do to prove that he is worthy of dating me.
So, that is where we are. I'm sorry for the long post, but I did want to throw in my point of view. Thank you so much for reading, and thank you for talking with Theroha. I've read the posts, and you all seem like such great people. Thank you for not judging me.
~Kelda
First off, I want to say, that yes my history with men has been hellish. My biological sperm donor, we will call him Ted, was abusive physically, emotionally, and psychologically to me as a child. On top of all that I want to point out one thing that is very important:
I have autism.
Being social has been difficult for me, let alone being in a romantic relationship period. Theroha is the best man I have EVER allowed into my life. Yet I do want to make things clear about the near rapes and depression of my past. I have done work. I have healed. When these things happened I never turned to drugs, alcohol, or anything else destructive toward my mind or body. I wrote. I prayed. I did work on myself. And I want people to know you never fully heal from such a past. You just learn to deal with the pain as best as possible, and live with it, which I think I have. I am a junior in college, have written a lot of works, and I also give my time to help others that have autism. I'm not a young woman with daddy issues, I am just a young woman who has had to deal with struggles and emotional pain that NO HUMAN should ever have to go through, and I pray none of you have.
I want to address what happened with the affair. This man, I will call him Henry, is someone I do truly and deeply care for. I do love him. I met him a while back, and believe me, Theroha and I were happy in our relationship when this happened. I mean, there were a few things we were having difficulty with (like communication) but we were still very, very happy. Yet the first day I met Henry my heart stopped. Even when I first saw him there was a quick connection. We all became fast friends in three days. For the next week Henry and I RP-ed online with a friend of ours, just doing adventure quest stuff. After our friend would get off line, Henry and I would talk. Our pasts are very similar. We both had abusive fathers. We both went through unimaginable pain with the opposite sex. We understood each others pain, which is something Theroha has freely admitted he doesn't get.
My honey had a wonderful childhood growing up, THANK GOD, and his life has been pretty awesome. He hasn't had the tragedy I've grown up with, but he does sympathize with me, and that's important. But he doesn't quite understand the hurt I feel, and Henry did and does.
About two weeks after I met Henry, is when the cheating happened. I did not sleep with him. We made out and that is it. Yet the guilt freak'in killed me. I had betrayed Theroha, the man I first, truly loved. But at the same time, I was falling in love with Henry. I was told socially my whole life that this wasn't acceptable, and with my autism on top of all this, it was even more confusing. I wasn't supposed to love two people. I was a freak. I felt like a monster.
I lived in hell the next three days, and at last I told Theroha. I was certain my baby would break up with me. Once before I have had my heart broken, and it literally almost killed me. With all the bad men I've had in my life, I was even scared Theroha was going to bust my head through the car window...what's scarier is that I felt like I deserved it.
Theroha didn't even get mad at me. He was hurt, sad, scared for our relationship but he wasn't mad. Yet I still hated myself, even though he took me back. I'm getting over that now, trying to push through for forgiveness for myself, but it's really hard.
We talked to Henry that night, and we apologized to each other, did lots of crying, and tried to fix things. Henry and I swore we would just remain friends. We all said we would work on things.
I felt like crap for the next two weeks. That is when I realized I truly did love Henry, but I loved Theorha too. I agonized over this. I didn't eat, and I didn't sleep. I just barely functioned. It's kinda amazing that my grades as a junior in college are A's and B's to be honest. I'm amazed that I didn't break down.
At last I told Theroha how I felt, and we both decided with how I felt, and even how Theorha felt, to try an open relationship. And that's where we are now. I AM putting my honey first. He is my primary. My number one. Right now, with Henry, we are working on getting to know him better before Theorha, not I, gives him the ok to date me. We are seeing if this is a possibility. I feel that Theroha and I's relationship is greater than it has ever been. He has said this too. We are over the cheating incident. We are back to trusting each other. I love him, and I will never leave him...even if the poly amour idea doesn't work, I will cut ties with Henry if that means I can stay with Theroha.
I have lost so many in my life. I have loved deeply, and I have lost. Henry is an amazing man, who is like Theroha in so many ways. He has treated me so well, and has respected both of our wishes. I will say this: I don't know what else he could do to try to make what happened with the cheating up to us, or what else he could do to prove that he is worthy of dating me.
So, that is where we are. I'm sorry for the long post, but I did want to throw in my point of view. Thank you so much for reading, and thank you for talking with Theroha. I've read the posts, and you all seem like such great people. Thank you for not judging me.
~Kelda
I ask for respect
Thanks for the support everyone. It's nice to have people I can talk this through with. That being said, the comments I've been seeing from GalaGirl have been less than respectful. GalaGirl, you have made some severe assumptions that have been very hurtful to both myself and my girlfriend. Honestly, you don't know us. She recently posted her side of the story on here. Go read that before you decide who we are and where your advice is coming from. You're sounding very judgemental, and that is not how we want to be welcomed to this community.
Thanks for the support everyone. It's nice to have people I can talk this through with. That being said, the comments I've been seeing from GalaGirl have been less than respectful. GalaGirl, you have made some severe assumptions that have been very hurtful to both myself and my girlfriend. Honestly, you don't know us. She recently posted her side of the story on here. Go read that before you decide who we are and where your advice is coming from. You're sounding very judgemental, and that is not how we want to be welcomed to this community.
YouAreHere
Well-known member
I think the day I see GG accused of being rude is the day I've dropped into an alternate dimension. Spock, why do you have a goatee?
GG is usually very cautious and meticulous with how she spells things out, and tends to be much less brusque than many other posters on this board. I do recommend you re-read her posts in a helpful light; I've never known her posts to be intended as anything but.
GG is usually very cautious and meticulous with how she spells things out, and tends to be much less brusque than many other posters on this board. I do recommend you re-read her posts in a helpful light; I've never known her posts to be intended as anything but.
I am urging CAUTION. That may not be what you want to hear at this time, but I will urge it anyway -- for all of you to consider slowing way down.
I am sorry if it was perceived as judgemental. That was not my intent and I am not judging any of you.
I was trying to understand a bigger picture from being given only one angle -- the original poster angle -- and making some guesses. When it comes to cheating starts, those examples I gave (not accusations) are what sometimes ends up happening around this forum.
That a cheating partner could try to rush things on to assuage guilt or win the cheated on partner over.
I was also making some guesses as to where Theroha's line of thought might be going -- because that also sometimes happens in this forum. "Is my GF this? Is my GF that?" kinds of thoughts. That stuff while not fun to think, is normal when confused. I could have expressed that much better.
I am not saying that IS happening to you here.
I was saying that those are possibilities. And that you could tread carefully and go slow in sorting it out to be sure this isn't happening to you.
Also to be careful to not start piling on more more stress on yourselves by rushing to conclusions or rushing to try to do too many things at once.
Particularly since the OP seems to already be feeling rushed, confused, and violated in trust.
I do not see how making major life decisions (like changing relationship models) when feeling rushed, or feeling confused or feeling violated in trust increases the odds of success. I do want to see you succeed in your endeavor.
I probably could have worded that more clearly though.
Now there's another POV angle to consider, and I will do that. Thank you for giving more to the story.
But in the meanwhile? I keep coming up with "why NOT slow it down and solve the issues first? What's the rush?" I don't see how taking more time to recover, assess, or plan is a terrible thing that would take away from odds for success.
I apologize if my previous wording caused you discomfort. That was not my intent.
best wishes,
GG
That may not be what you want to hear at this time, but I will urge it anyway -- for all of you to consider slowing way down. I am sorry if it was perceived as judgemental. That was not my intent and I am not judging any of you.
I was trying to understand a bigger picture from being given only one angle -- the original poster angle -- and making some guesses. When it comes to cheating starts, those examples I gave (not accusations) are what sometimes ends up happening around this forum.
That a cheating partner could try to rush things on to assuage guilt or win the cheated on partner over.
I was also making some guesses as to where Theroha's line of thought might be going -- because that also sometimes happens in this forum. "Is my GF this? Is my GF that?" kinds of thoughts. That stuff while not fun to think, is normal when confused. I could have expressed that much better.
I am not saying that IS happening to you here.
I was saying that those are possibilities. And that you could tread carefully and go slow in sorting it out to be sure this isn't happening to you.
Also to be careful to not start piling on more more stress on yourselves by rushing to conclusions or rushing to try to do too many things at once.
Particularly since the OP seems to already be feeling rushed, confused, and violated in trust.
I do not see how making major life decisions (like changing relationship models) when feeling rushed, or feeling confused or feeling violated in trust increases the odds of success. I do want to see you succeed in your endeavor.
I probably could have worded that more clearly though.
Now there's another POV angle to consider, and I will do that. Thank you for giving more to the story.
But in the meanwhile? I keep coming up with "why NOT slow it down and solve the issues first? What's the rush?" I don't see how taking more time to recover, assess, or plan is a terrible thing that would take away from odds for success.
I apologize if my previous wording caused you discomfort. That was not my intent.
best wishes,
GG
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kelda
New member
More Information for Galagirl (I come in peace!)
Hello Galagirl. It's me, Kelda. I understand where you are coming from with your opinions on this matter. Although, I will admit, the things you did say were hurtful, but I don't think that was your intent. I see that now. All though, I do want to respond to some things that you have said.
You mentioned that you are concerned that we are rushing things. At this time we are not. We are treading very carefully, and we have decided to not make any major decisions until after the holidays. I even said to Theroha in the beginning, this is not something that will develop in weeks or days, but in many months to a year. Henry is also aware of this, and we are adding him into our lives as a friend. Even this evening Theroha and Henry hung out without me present and things went well, and they were able to talk and clear the air on a few things.
Another thing I want to address is this next statement of yours:
"Given the cheating on you -- If she cannot handle being an honest, forthright partner in a monoship with ONE boyfriend and cheats? How's that good resume for handling herself well in a polyship with 2 BFs?
If there's a string of messed up relationships in her history? Could it be possible that
Her judgement in choosing healthy partners is weak and could grow better?
Or she picks them fine, but the common denominator is that her relationshipping skills are weak and could grow better?
Or it is both -- she picks poor character partners, AND she has poor relationshipping skills."
In the past I have only been in TWO relationships prior to Theroha. I was faithful in every single one of them. I have always been faithful with who I am dating. I don't even have a history of dating two people at the same time...I always casually dated one person at a time. And as to these two relationships, one of these was a perfectly nice guy who wanted kids, and I broke up with him because I don't want kids. The other guy I was in a relationship with claimed, for four months, to be accepting of my autism, my equaltarian ideals, and my religion. I met his family later, who were extremely religious and thought my autism was caused my devil possession, and shortly after that he expressed he had problems with me working and he wanted me to be around him more. When these issues cropped up, I broke up with him right away.
As for the near rapes that Theroha told you about, I want to explain that too. I was almost violated at thirteen, due to my biological father's friend wanting to have his way with me. I fought back, and put him in jail for three years. At sixteen a friend of mine, who had been my best friend for three years, used me in the cruelest way. I was in love with him, and after using me, he tossed me aside and shattered my heart...I found out later HE was cheating on his girlfriend at the time with me...that girlfriend is now his wife. This guy talked me into doing things I never normally would have done...yet I did it because I loved him. I later felt violated, and worthless.
My final "near rape" since we are using that term is something I don't wish to get too much into, but trust me when I say I wasn't in a relationship with this person, he was my friend at the time...and he did something I NEVER expected him to do. I know Theroha will read this, and he is always angered when I talk about this event. Henry gets mad too, and because this was recent, I will choose not to discuss it.
So, did I make mistake choosing relationship partners? Yes. But they were things I did not foresee. But while in these relationships I was faithful, attentive, and I was a good girlfriend. My ex-es would actually vouch for me on this. I have just had bad non-romantic relationships with men that does include the attacks on me mentioned, and my biological father that was abusive.
I guess this is my point: it did hurt me that you portrayed my character in such a poor way. I am not terrible with relationships. I am not a terrible person. My God, I know I look bad because I cheated. I will regret that action for the rest of my life, because I feel that I have become the thing I hated. I am working on dealing with the guilt. And...as for you saying Henry is a guy who is 'willing to cheat'...
Theroha will vouch for this too: Henry has never cheated on anyone else either when he was in previous relationships. He is not an evil man. He truly is a good guy....who is doing everything he can to make up for this mistake. He is doing all he can to show Theroha and I that he is a good man. I mentioned this in my last post: I cannot imagine anything else he could be doing to make up for this.
I do agree with one thing, that I do think is your major point: why NOT slow down? And we are. I do thank you for bringing that up. I really am not trying to attack you...I'm just trying to respond to your points. If it seems I am biting back, I'm sorry. I'm not trying to start drama, or show bitterness.
I thank you for your concern with the jumping into this poly amour community. I am aware of that having two people to take care of is more difficult than having one. I one hundred percent get that. Yet it is, what it is. I loved Theroha first. God, I have loved this man for a long time. I thought he would be my one and only.
And then Henry came into my life, and I fell in love with him. I am a woman in love with two people. It is what it is. I love two men...and we are dealing with how to proceede with that. If I didn't love Henry I NEVER would have kissed him let alone suggest a poly armour relationship. I am aware that the world will judge me if they know. I am aware that things will get way, way more complicated. But I am in love with BOTH of these men, and we are looking for ways to make this work. We are on the standby, take it one day at a time, and see what happens mode.
Once more galagirl, thank you for tending to Theroha, and for giving your honest advice. Some of it did sting me, but I see that it did come from a good place. Yet I want you to know, I am not an evil person. I am not this corrupt soul. I am a woman who made the worst mistake of her life...and I'm trying to make up for it every day now. I am not broken...just a tad bit bent.
Hello Galagirl. It's me, Kelda. I understand where you are coming from with your opinions on this matter. Although, I will admit, the things you did say were hurtful, but I don't think that was your intent. I see that now. All though, I do want to respond to some things that you have said.
You mentioned that you are concerned that we are rushing things. At this time we are not. We are treading very carefully, and we have decided to not make any major decisions until after the holidays. I even said to Theroha in the beginning, this is not something that will develop in weeks or days, but in many months to a year. Henry is also aware of this, and we are adding him into our lives as a friend. Even this evening Theroha and Henry hung out without me present and things went well, and they were able to talk and clear the air on a few things.
Another thing I want to address is this next statement of yours:
"Given the cheating on you -- If she cannot handle being an honest, forthright partner in a monoship with ONE boyfriend and cheats? How's that good resume for handling herself well in a polyship with 2 BFs?
If there's a string of messed up relationships in her history? Could it be possible that
Her judgement in choosing healthy partners is weak and could grow better?
Or she picks them fine, but the common denominator is that her relationshipping skills are weak and could grow better?
Or it is both -- she picks poor character partners, AND she has poor relationshipping skills."
In the past I have only been in TWO relationships prior to Theroha. I was faithful in every single one of them. I have always been faithful with who I am dating. I don't even have a history of dating two people at the same time...I always casually dated one person at a time. And as to these two relationships, one of these was a perfectly nice guy who wanted kids, and I broke up with him because I don't want kids. The other guy I was in a relationship with claimed, for four months, to be accepting of my autism, my equaltarian ideals, and my religion. I met his family later, who were extremely religious and thought my autism was caused my devil possession, and shortly after that he expressed he had problems with me working and he wanted me to be around him more. When these issues cropped up, I broke up with him right away.
As for the near rapes that Theroha told you about, I want to explain that too. I was almost violated at thirteen, due to my biological father's friend wanting to have his way with me. I fought back, and put him in jail for three years. At sixteen a friend of mine, who had been my best friend for three years, used me in the cruelest way. I was in love with him, and after using me, he tossed me aside and shattered my heart...I found out later HE was cheating on his girlfriend at the time with me...that girlfriend is now his wife. This guy talked me into doing things I never normally would have done...yet I did it because I loved him. I later felt violated, and worthless.
My final "near rape" since we are using that term is something I don't wish to get too much into, but trust me when I say I wasn't in a relationship with this person, he was my friend at the time...and he did something I NEVER expected him to do. I know Theroha will read this, and he is always angered when I talk about this event. Henry gets mad too, and because this was recent, I will choose not to discuss it.
So, did I make mistake choosing relationship partners? Yes. But they were things I did not foresee. But while in these relationships I was faithful, attentive, and I was a good girlfriend. My ex-es would actually vouch for me on this. I have just had bad non-romantic relationships with men that does include the attacks on me mentioned, and my biological father that was abusive.
I guess this is my point: it did hurt me that you portrayed my character in such a poor way. I am not terrible with relationships. I am not a terrible person. My God, I know I look bad because I cheated. I will regret that action for the rest of my life, because I feel that I have become the thing I hated. I am working on dealing with the guilt. And...as for you saying Henry is a guy who is 'willing to cheat'...
Theroha will vouch for this too: Henry has never cheated on anyone else either when he was in previous relationships. He is not an evil man. He truly is a good guy....who is doing everything he can to make up for this mistake. He is doing all he can to show Theroha and I that he is a good man. I mentioned this in my last post: I cannot imagine anything else he could be doing to make up for this.
I do agree with one thing, that I do think is your major point: why NOT slow down? And we are. I do thank you for bringing that up. I really am not trying to attack you...I'm just trying to respond to your points. If it seems I am biting back, I'm sorry. I'm not trying to start drama, or show bitterness.
I thank you for your concern with the jumping into this poly amour community. I am aware of that having two people to take care of is more difficult than having one. I one hundred percent get that. Yet it is, what it is. I loved Theroha first. God, I have loved this man for a long time. I thought he would be my one and only.
And then Henry came into my life, and I fell in love with him. I am a woman in love with two people. It is what it is. I love two men...and we are dealing with how to proceede with that. If I didn't love Henry I NEVER would have kissed him let alone suggest a poly armour relationship. I am aware that the world will judge me if they know. I am aware that things will get way, way more complicated. But I am in love with BOTH of these men, and we are looking for ways to make this work. We are on the standby, take it one day at a time, and see what happens mode.
Once more galagirl, thank you for tending to Theroha, and for giving your honest advice. Some of it did sting me, but I see that it did come from a good place. Yet I want you to know, I am not an evil person. I am not this corrupt soul. I am a woman who made the worst mistake of her life...and I'm trying to make up for it every day now. I am not broken...just a tad bit bent.
Kelda, I don't think you are evil or a corrupt soul. I also don't feel attacked. I am baffled.
I do know on my end there isn't judgement or animosity -- just general concern. I'm not a perfect person and I don't expect others to be.
I think perhaps this could still be fresh for you guys on your end. And on my end I know I am not expressing myself well.
Or maybe it's the age gap and vocab use? College student age 20's was a long time ago to me. Whatever disconnect there was, I'm willing to own it an apologize for it. Thank you for seeing that my intent was not malicious.
I do not know what to make of it when Theroha posts 2 days ago that things are rushing too fast and he's not sure about asking to slow down or asking to cut Henry out. And you post now that you guys are going slow and taking it one day at a time. I guess that means you are all on the same page now and Theroha is not longer confused?
But I do wish you all well and do hope you all succeed -- whether it means that it is "still work in progress" on the sorting it out front at this point in time or "already totally sorted out" at this point in time.
Hang in there.
Namaste,
GG
I do know on my end there isn't judgement or animosity -- just general concern. I'm not a perfect person and I don't expect others to be.
I think perhaps this could still be fresh for you guys on your end. And on my end I know I am not expressing myself well.
Or maybe it's the age gap and vocab use? College student age 20's was a long time ago to me.
Whatever disconnect there was, I'm willing to own it an apologize for it. Thank you for seeing that my intent was not malicious. I do not know what to make of it when Theroha posts 2 days ago that things are rushing too fast and he's not sure about asking to slow down or asking to cut Henry out. And you post now that you guys are going slow and taking it one day at a time. I guess that means you are all on the same page now and Theroha is not longer confused?
But I do wish you all well and do hope you all succeed -- whether it means that it is "still work in progress" on the sorting it out front at this point in time or "already totally sorted out" at this point in time.
Hang in there.
Namaste,
GG
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kelda
New member
Don't be confused. What I'm saying is, we took your advice. Right away Theroha came to me with what everyone had to say and we talked. Are we still confused? Of course we are, because we are new to this idea and we are simply navigating this for the first time. But we are sorting things out...and we have new info that we didn't. So we are making progress.
And also with my politeness, I'm making a knowing effort to tread carefully with people here. Theroha and I are both new to this board, and we are here to seek information and learn. We don't want to come off as rude. The internet is scary, and things can be taken the wrong way on boards very easily because of the lack of verbal cues and voice tone. That's why I said I'm hoping you didn't feel attacked. Even when one is simply responding to a statement it can come off as harsh. Look at the youtube comments for example. LOL
I thank you all for the help, and if anyone else wants to throw in advice, I'm sure we'd both like to have more. You guys are great. Thanks.
~Kelda
And also with my politeness, I'm making a knowing effort to tread carefully with people here. Theroha and I are both new to this board, and we are here to seek information and learn. We don't want to come off as rude. The internet is scary, and things can be taken the wrong way on boards very easily because of the lack of verbal cues and voice tone. That's why I said I'm hoping you didn't feel attacked. Even when one is simply responding to a statement it can come off as harsh. Look at the youtube comments for example. LOL
I thank you all for the help, and if anyone else wants to throw in advice, I'm sure we'd both like to have more. You guys are great. Thanks.
~Kelda
Well, starting to think that things might not work. I'm running into an emotional problem. Practically bipolar. There are days when I'm completely open to the idea of polyamory. These days are usually when we haven't had a chance to make love in a while. After that, like right now, the thought of the other guy even holding my lover's hand makes me physically ill.
Is this normal, or do we need to look at walking away from this for now?
Is this normal, or do we need to look at walking away from this for now?