Confused

FancyFace

FancyFace

New member
Hi,

I'm new to this whole lifestyle and still consider myself mono. My BF is poly and confused and confusing me. He and I are PP. He would have sex-based interactions with numerous women, and this never bothered me, but he started having another girlfriend, and didn't tell me about it for weeks because it was "just a natural progression."

Uhh... I'm worried about how the total honesty we had fell by the wayside when S came along. S is poly. He brings this up often. I'm learning how to cope with the poly relationship as best I can, but I'm never going to have her experience.

He is also very jealous of my friendships with my exes, and expresses his displeasure at me dating anyone else (I don't really have any desire to, but disagree with the hypocrisy), all the while stating, "I only want you to be happy."

He says many things that are at odds with his actions. He wants me to meet S, but at the same time says it would be too hard, since she's so intimidated by me. I don't know that I can be comfortable meeting her. I don't respect her for many reasons (drug user, car-less, unemployed, not looking for work, a mom happy to be on welfare), besides the fact that she's his GF. lol.

Any advice? Should I take the risk and meet her? I don't want to make it any worse, or give any ultimatums, and I think that asking to be his only "relationship" when he can have sex with anyone else is not even near the table.

I think I might just back off and see how I feel, without him confusing my head. I think what bothers me the most is him expressing his feeling of desire to have two gfs, so he effed up one relationship to have another. I don't like feeling like he has an escape or backup plan, while I face the emotional risk by myself. Is this out of line or typical for a poly? Thanks for any light y'all can shine on my situation.
 
Hi,

I think, if you read your post you'll see these red flags pop up:
1. Lack of honesty
2. Swinger turned poly
3. GF drug user/user of all sorts. (Do you want this drama in your life?)
4. One-sided
5. Emotional risk (And what about physical risk-- drugs, and the obvious sexual ones?)

You also have to think about what you want. You seem very focused on his needs, while he is not trying to even understand yours. Very one-sided indeed.

Many have gone down this path. I suggest you read all you can here, and see how it went. I think a lot of people like the idea of poly, but without actually working at it, as you would any other relationship. Ask yourself the hard questions. What kind of future had you seen with this person before the gf was ever in the picture?
 
Yeah, this doesn't sound good. He gets to have two lovers, while you don't, and he's even jealous of your exes? Double standard, indeed.

You do NOT have to accede to his wishes on this. Your needs and feelings are just as important as his.

Meeting his other gf might be pointless if your guy is being so controlling. You might be better off without him.
 
He gets to do anything he wants, with anyone he wants, and you have no input and can't do the same.

He now picks what sounds like a partner that has inherent risks for you (STDs and emotional).

It sounds like he a lot less poly and much more just a cheater, who got you to go along, possibly under duress.

I'd suggest you take a step back and set some clear boundaries about what you are and aren't ok with, and he can agree, or you take steps to protect yourself.
 
Yep, it seems like a bit of bullying going on here. Time to assert yourself a little!
 
Yeah, the whole "polyamory as a backup for failed monoamory" is a terrible joke. If he's worried about messing up one relationship, wouldn't two relationships double his chances for messing it all up and being left with nothing?

I don't like feeling like he has an escape or backup plan, while I face the emotional risk by myself. Is this out of line or typical for poly?
Click to expand...

I wouldn't like feeling like that either. Yes, in my opinion, this is out of line. No, this is not typical for polyamory. We have a saying around here, if you can't even handle one relationship properly, you have no business trying to manage more than one. This ties into his "escape plan" and is really more of a reason why you would "date" multiple people at once, not "be in a romantic relationship" with them.
 
Wonderful Insight

I really appreciate everyone's input. Having an unbiased third-party perspective has really helped me see some things I'm too close to notice by myself.

It's sometimes hard to talk to my friends about my relationship issues because some of them don't understand how I could even be in a poly relationship.

I think it's time to step back. I don't think that his relationship with S is healthy for him, but it's really not good for me. I need to have my wants and needs respected, and be cared for, too. I feel like maintaining two relationships equally is not something he's either willing or able to do. It's not going to work for anyone.

He says a lot of things, but (cliche as it is), actions speak louder. He's communicating one thing verbally and through his actions another. He and S can figure it out. lol.

Thanks for helping me take a step to being less confused. ;)
 
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