Confused

[Smokey3]

Hi!

I'd been married for over 25 years when my discovery of my husbands' affair caused us to move 200 miles apart. Very painful and ugly. Fast forward 6 years. We are still married. We have become good friends. Neither of us has been willing to end our relationship. We see each other a few times a month, talk almost every day, spend holidays together, care about each other, etc. As best I can tell, we have a living-apart-together relationship.
Some intimacy is involved, but not a lot. We are more like best friends.

The other day, he told me he wants to date other women and I can do the same. He wanted to be open about this to avoid any hurt or guilt. I have not tried to control his personal life anyway, in the last several years, nor asked for or about it, as far as others women are concerned.
He wants this to be a "don't ask don't tell" arrangement and promises to be safe. I pretty much feel I can deal with that emotionally now.

Any advice is appreciated. I guess this is a poly lifestyle? Not even sure.

 

[redpepper]

It sounds like you and he are friends, so why did he ask for your input? Does he see it differently?

 

[dingedheart]

After the affair and the 200-mile move, hasn't everyone operated under an informal DADT? So really, what's changed?

 

[Smokey3]

After the affair and the 200-mile move, hasn't everyone operated under an informal DADT? What's changed?

I guess neither one of us were brave enough to broach this subject. I have had only a couple very brief encounters with others in the last several years. Not sure about him. We only started being friends in the last three years and intimate for one. I guess he wanted to let me know so as not to feel guilty.

I really did not know where he stood and did not ask.

I am not sure how I feel about this, whether we can still be intimate, or if just being friends is the best answer.

We do talk about someday retiring together.

Is this just crazy or could it work? I was willing to cut him loose totally as far as any relation with me other than staying married to keep health insurance, but he is afraid to lose me, as well.

 

[dingedheart]

Will this dynamic provide you with a happy and fulfilling life, or will it hinder you from finding the relationship you need or desire? Life is short. Do what you want in this. Trust your gut. Make yourself happy.

Good luck,
D

 

[SNeacail]

Don't worry about if anyone else will think it's crazy. If it works for the two of you, that's all that really matters. Good luck!

 

[redpepper]

I don't see why this couldn't work. It sounds like he is a friend with benefits, or an intimate friend that is giving you the heads-up that he is on the prowl again. Nice of him to say so. Just remember to use protection.

 

[Smokey3]

Thank you

Thanks, everyone, for the advice. I appreciate it. I will continue with our relationship as it is for now. I have told him that we cannot dictate when either of us might fall in love, if seeing others.

 

[AnnabelMore]

Would it be a problem if either you or he fell in love with someone else? This is where DADT really breaks down for me-- when you start having to cover up the fact that someone is emotionally significant in your life and you're maybe even making decisions based around them.

 

[Smokey3]

I am not sure. He says he will not let any others interfere with how our relationship stands, but I am kind of skeptical of that. Also I am not sure how he will address his situation with anyone else. I guess I will ask him. Me, I would tell anyone I met my situation. I cannot lie and don't want to. If something became very serious, I would have to tell my husband, as well.

 

[redpepper]

I am not sure. He says he will not let any others interfere with how our relationship stands, but I am kind of skeptical of that.

I would be, too. My experience has taught me that when some people get a gf or a bf, they ditch friends and don't bother with anyone else anymore. I find that super co-dependent, lazy and lacking consideration when people do that. Friends are important and friendships should be nurtured. When they aren't, it's hurtful and tragic for those left behind. I find it irresponsible. Still, I guess you won't know until you are in it.