Confusion...?

[1confuzedchick]

I'm new to this site, but I'm hoping I can maybe get some clarity or advice.

I've been married for almost 10 years. We are monogamous. Here's the thing, ever since I met my husband I have never found anyone else attractive, never even thought the idea of sex with anyone else sounded fun, up until recently. I'm working with this guy who takes my breath away. I find him drop-dead gorgeous. We have this amazing connection and I really want him. However, I still love my husband and there's nothing wrong with our relationship. If this isn't me wanting to be polygamous, what is it?

 

[Bobbi]

If this isn't me wanting to be polygamous, what is it?

First, polygamous means you are married to several people. It might seem nitpicky, but polyamory (more than one love) is very different from polygamy (having more than one spouse).

It’s completely normal to be attracted to others and even have feelings for them. I actually find it more strange that you never had never found anyone else attractive until now. People who practice monogamy just choose not to act on those attractions or feelings. It is COMPLETELY UNTRUE that if you “really“ loved your partner you would not have any attraction or desire. We are human animals, geared to mate like all other animals. Monogamy is a social construct that works well for many people. For others, not so much.

Some want that one-and-only status, to be placed on a pedestal and worshiped as “the one,” where others recognize that to be limiting when you could have multiple loving and fulfilling relationships simultaneously. For some, polyamory is a choice, for some it’s who they are, an identity. With monogamy, most see it as how things are done, not realizing there is a choice.

So, the question you need to be asking yourself is: do you want to be polyamorous, or are you just fantasizing about your new crush at the moment?

Start learning about polyamory. Read lots of books, listen to podcasts and explore what it would mean to you. If it’s something you are willing to grow for (and there’s a ton of growth ahead, if so) and want, then you can start discussing it with your hubby and learning about it as a couple.

Most couples learn and explore for a year or more, before actually opening up their marriage and seeing others. You could try it for new guy, but I don’t recommend it. Jumping into the deep end of the pool before learning how to float is a recipe for disaster.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello 1confuzedchick,

It sounds like you are poly inside, and have just recently started to feel that, what with this bombshell guy you're working with, and you have NRE for him. So what should you do about this? Maybe it's time to tell your husband that you're recently interested in polyamory, and that you would like your husband's point of view. Hopefully you and your husband can both explore this unique lovestyle.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

Welcome.

FWIW, I think you could pause and think things out some.

If this isn't me wanting to be polygamous, what is it?

You could simply be noticing beauty in the world and finding your coworker attractive. Maybe you're having a workplace crush. That doesn't mean you have to DO anything about it. And it doesn't necessarily mean you want polyamory. (Polygamy is another word that means married to more than one spouse.)

If you think you want polyamory and are willing to go there, that doesn't mean that your spouse is willing to go there or that the coworker is willing to go there. Also, the mere willingness to do it doesn't mean you have the skills to do it. Education is needed.

A coworker thing can be messy. Most people don't want to mess with others at work. Nobody needs to get whispered about, passed over for promotion, written up, hit on inappropriately by coworkers because they think "poly = easy" or fired for having a workplace affair. Or if you poly-date your coworker, and then break up, who wants to deal with an ex all the time at work, and have to deal with any disgruntledness they aim your way?

Think carefully. If for some reason this coworker and your spouse disappeared, would you still want to pursue polyamory? Or not so much? Was this a means to have both, and not break up with your spouse, or just fun to think about?

It's okay to fantasize and decide to do nothing. Or, if you want to do something, you could choose to take your time, go slow, educate yourself first, and then see how your spouse feels about it. If you're NOT on the same page, like, if you want poly and your spouse wants monogamy, divorce peacefully first, then pursue the coworker or whoever else you want to date.

Don't jump the gun or mess up your marriage by jumping in blind.

Galagirl