Confusion

P

Peoplelover

New member
I'm brand new to this so I'm sure this is a normal problem. One man, three women, I'm the third woman. It is a polyfidelitous group. All we women are straight and in love with the one man, although we'll all be together sometimes for his sake. And we are all going to be moving together across the country, and living together. We all get along and like each other. But I can't get over feeling it's not fair. I say the next addition to the family should be a straight man who loves me. That way I have two men who love me, he has three women who love him. (I say this tongue-in-cheek, knowing love doesn't work like that). He says it should be a bisexual man to be able to connect with all of us. That sounds like a unicorn to me, an impossible dream. I think of Voldemort (Harry Potter) splitting his soul in pieces, and how each piece is smaller than the original soul. The loss of him to me is devastating. The loss of me to him is ameliorated by having others already filling the same role. It makes it hard for me to really give my all, to totally connect. Thoughts would be appreciated.
 
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Peoplelover said:
yes. It's fun and entertaining but nothing I would do if he weren't there. He's the catalyst. They would say the same.
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Nothing wrong with that, if you enjoy it. But this whole idea of "If I have a straight man who loves me, I'll have two guys, and he'll have three women?" And his, it needs to be a bi guy (is your guy even bisexual?) Not a great approach.

All of you just need to develop the relationships you need to be happy. Maybe that means some of you end up splitting up after awhile. It happens. I think of poly as being I want myself and my partners to be happy and fulfilled; but not at the expense of anyone else in the group.
 
I am not known with this subject. But my first idea about this would be: it is about love right? I think it is kind of complicated if your man thinks he can tell u restrictions about the possible new other man. So it is not about love but more somebody who is good in the picture that he has in his mind. I think falling in love is more important than his picture.

That would not only be the sexual part. But for the sexual part: The other women, they should just enjoy who ever u bring to the party? The other man would have to join the party the way your man wants him to? Not knowing if he likes them. I am not bisexual. But i can imagine like heteroseksualiteit people like me: being bi doesn't mean u can have sex with everybody. Me being hetero doesn't mean i can have sex with any man.

I understand it would work better if the new man is realy a part of the group. Also i understand the group can have some sort of veto (for example: no criminal behaviour), but somehow i find something missing in your story. The way love normally grows, without big expectations before you even know who your future man will be. But again, i am not known to this subject.
 
Hoyam said:
I am not known with this subject. But my first idea about this would be: it is about love right? I think it is kind of complicated if your man thinks he can tell u restrictions about the possible new other man. So it is not about love but more somebody who is good in the picture that he has in his mind. I think falling in love is more important than his picture.

That would not only be the sexual part. But for the sexual part: The other women, they should just enjoy who ever u bring to the party? The other man would have to join the party the way your man wants him to? Not knowing if he likes them. I am not bisexual. But i can imagine like heteroseksualiteit people like me: being bi doesn't mean u can have sex with everybody. Me being hetero doesn't mean i can have sex with any man.

I understand it would work better if the new man is realy a part of the group. Also i understand the group can have some sort of veto (for example: no criminal behaviour), but somehow i find something missing in your story. The way love normally grows, without big expectations before you even know who your future man will be. But again, i am not known to this subject.
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Actually, you expressed exactly what I was thinking. :)

To further the idea, let's take sex out of the picture and insert something like hair color. So say your guy says okay if another guy comes into the group, he must be blonde. But you meet a perfectly lovely man and he happens to be a brunette. Really? To me demanding a specific sexual orientation is the same thing. This man is a human being; not someone you groom to play a specified role in your group. These requirements treat him as more of an object or toy.
 
Confusion
Just curious, is the guy who seems to be calling all the shots the main source of financial support that is financing this move across the country for everyone. If you are an equal contributor you should have an equal say.
Sounds like whoever he wants to bring into this relationship next he will want them also to subservient to his wishes.
If you don't think it's fair now, what are you going to think if he decides to bring another woman into the mix to increase the participation in the entertainment you provide for him. If your man is not bi sexual, I can't figure out why he would want to consider bringing a bi man into this group unless the bi man is a submissive person because there is not a large pool of straight men who are going to enter into a relationship like you describe where another man calls all the shots. Not quite sure how many women would go for that either.
 
Flat out, you should get to date whomever you want to date. Period.

I'm not hung up on the three-girl sex thing as I'm assuming if you really didn't want to do it, you wouldn't. I'll give you credit for knowing your own limits and also for contributing something unusual for your partner's pleasure. (Let's hope he does the same for you.)

Back to the new partner. If you don't date someone everyone agrees upon or the male agrees upon, what will be the consequences? If it's expulsion from the group or and end to your relationship with the alpha male, then I'd say so be it.

You are just as important and primary as anyone else in the relationship. You have needs that are apparently not being met. (If it were me, I'd take his ego down a peg with that little bit of trivia, but that's me) As such, you should get to date whomever you want.
 
I';ve got to call BS on his calling the shots on other men. polyfi is great, i'd like it if I could have it. right now, I have two primaries one my spouse, the other by BF going through a separation. If he divorces ,would I like him to find another woman who is also interested in/involved with my spouse to make a nice little closed group? you bet. But I would never insist on that as its a tough thing to happen, and BF deserves as much love as the rest of us. Right now he has just me, I have him and hubby and a friend with benefits, hubby has me and two casual girlfriends. BF should be able to find whatever else he wants/is looking for
 
I'm sorry you are struggling. :(

Let me repeat back to you so I know I got it. I might get it all wrong and I know I'm confused on some of it.



BACKGROUND

  • I am a female member of a polyfidelitious group consisting of Male hinge, and 3 females.
  • For fun, we all sometimes share group sex even though all the women are pretty much straight.
  • We all get along well.
  • Soon we are all moving together cross country where we plan to cohabitate all together.

PROBLEM

This time of change/transition is also causing me to review the relationship shape I participate in and my changing needs/wants.

  • I would like to change from a (closed polyfi model) to a (different open relationship model) that allows me to date other people because I would enjoy dating another man.
  • Male hinge says my new BF/potential should be bi so he can share sex with him too. (As well as the other women in the group sharing sex with the potential.)
  • I'm not sure if he's joking or he's suggesting this to make it harder for me to actually date another BF/potential successfully.
  • Now I'm worried about this leading to a break up if I press on seeking change to the relationship structure.
    • Because if we break up at any time before or after move, he's still got 2 other GFs to comfort him from the pain of a break up where I won't have anyone to comfort me.
    • (unspoken, but I am guessing here....) Because if we break up after we all move, that means I end up living with my exes in a new town where I don't know anyone and that's weird.

Knowing he'll have support from 2 remaining GF's and I won't have anyone supporting me if we break up makes it really hard for me to give it my all to....

  • Continue participating in the closed polyfi structure?
  • Seeking changes to the relationship structure even though I want to date a new man?
  • Moving cross country?
  • All the above?
  • None of the above. Something else? (I wasn't clear on what you are giving "your all" to here.)
​

Is that the train of thought here? Could you please clarify a bit? :confused:

To me it sounds like maybe you could sort this all out BEFORE you move.

  • Maybe move, but get your own apartment nearby? Then you could enjoy being in your polyship AND enjoy negotiating to change the structure so you can also date others in the new town.
  • Maybe you break up now and decide not to move at all?
  • Maybe some other solution I can't think of right now?

Could sort it out before you make a major change like moving cross country though. Sit with your thoughts, sort yourself out first. Then talk to your people to sort all that out next.

Part of it too might be learning to comfort yourself and build supportive family/friend network apart from people in the polyship. When you know that you can handle whatever might happen, then you don't have to be fearing things like a break up or getting close or "totally connecting" to people.

Ultimately it is up to you to choose what is healthiest/best for you. But if your wants/needs are not being met here... something could change. HOW it changes... that's up to you. (Stay with him only and give up want to date others, change models so you can date others while dating him, break up with him.)

GL!
Galagirl
 
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Peoplelover said:
I'm brand new to this so I'm sure this is a normal problem. One man, three women, I'm the third woman. It is a polyfidelitous group. All we women are straight and in love with the one man, although we'll all be together sometimes for his sake.
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Actually, this scenario is not common here at all. Very few poly men have 3 gfs who all cobabitate with him. Much less 3 straight women who fuck each other for the man's sexual arousal! I will never get it, straight women who kiss or have sex with each other in hopes of turning on a guy. It just seems so patriarchically sexist.

And we are all going to be moving together across the country, and living together. We all get along and like each other. But I can't get over feeling it's not fair. I say the next addition to the family should be a straight man who loves me. That way I have two men who love me, he has three women who love him. (I say this tongue-in-cheek, knowing love doesn't work like that). He says it should be a bisexual man to be able to connect with all of us. That sounds like a unicorn to me, an impossible dream.
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Maybe you don't need an "addition to the family." Maybe a nice bf of your own... who doesn't need another woman in the room to be able to get it up, but desires you, for you. Are you tired of this harem/poly-fidelity arrangement?
 
GalaGirL gave a complete logical analysis of this. Not sure what your occupation is but her suggestion that you sort this out with yourself before you move all the way across the country totally dependent on this group makes a lot of sense.
Madylyn also got it right. Your little group dynamic is NOT common anywhere I know. I wanted to say that but did not want to appear intolerant. Sounds like your guy there wants a harem of totally devoted people. Ask him to get two more straight guys and to have performances of group gay male sex for you. Sounds fair to me.
Get yourself a man, be poly or whatever you want, but don't let yourself wind up on the other side of the country with no job until you have no problems with what you are getting into
 
polybynature said:
I can get this...im straight, but i'd have a threesome with a lady and one of my guys cause they'd like it so much. their being turned on would turn me on
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Yeah, but the OP makes it sound like it's expected or almost a requirement. I wonder how things would go for any of them if they refused.
 
Peoplelover said:
I'm brand new to this so I'm sure this is a normal problem. One man, three women, I'm the third woman. It is a polyfidelitous group. All we women are straight and in love with the one man, although we'll all be together sometimes for his sake.
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Well, there is no "normal" in polyamory, but what you describe is not common at all. Your man has a harem of straight women who perform sex acts with each other for his sake and not their own pleasure. Even though you all might enjoy getting off in the scenario, it's all based on pleasing him, rather than healthy expression of your own sexuality. That makes it icky and creepy.

Peoplelover said:
And we are all going to be moving together across the country, and living together.
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You say you're new to this, so how long have you all been involved and how well do you know any of them? Living together is a big move for any relationship and shouldn't happen too soon.

Peoplelover said:
We all get along and like each other. But I can't get over feeling it's not fair. I say the next addition to the family should be a straight man who loves me. That way I have two men who love me, he has three women who love him. (I say this tongue-in-cheek, knowing love doesn't work like that). He says it should be a bisexual man to be able to connect with all of us.
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Listen, hon, no matter what agreements you may have made, he is not the boss of you and your body. You want other men, you have a right to pursue whomever and whatever type of relationships you want. If this guy doesn't want you to, and you feel like you're getting the short end of the stick by staying with him and following his rules, then why stay? If you want to be open, there is nothing wrong with that.

Sorta sounds cult-like to me.
 
Magdlyn said:
I will never get it, straight women who kiss or have sex with each other in hopes of turning on a guy. It just seems so patriarchically sexist. (emphasis added by vanquish)
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nycindie said:
Yeah, but the OP makes it sound like it's expected or almost a requirement. I wonder how things would go for any of them if they refused.
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No intention of piling on the OP, but I was getting the same feeling myself. Don't get me wrong. My kink lifestyle experience means I've seen more than my share of loving relationships like this before. I can think of several off the top of my head existing now, but with the rest of the story...it does seem like part of an unequal or even unnegotiating situation. He sounds like he's the ring master, uncaring for the needs of his subs. But that's just an impression from the information we have. He could be a great guy, clueless to the power he has, and clueless that he's not listening to the needs of one of his poly partners. Either way is troublesome.
 
nycindie said:
Yeah, but the OP makes it sound like it's expected or almost a requirement. I wonder how things would go for any of them if they refused.
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good point, it sounds like this guy is calling all the shots. If I did this with one of my boys, it would be because I wanted to
 
We are all financially independent, and costs are split equally. My BF, who is bi, is definitely the leader although often we don't mind. However, the rules in this polyfidelitous group are: if you have an outside partner, you practice safe sex and stop having sex within the group until the other relationship has ended or they come on board. Then you go through a quarantine period of whatever months it takes to make sure you don't develop HIV after the initial testing. One of our members has an impaired immune system and it would be dangerous for her to catch anything, as it would be for everyone, but especially her. Neither of the other women are interested in anyone else. I, however, would like to keep my options open if I find someone I'm attracted to. I don't know if these rules have been enforced in the past. Any new partners in or outside the group must be vetted by the group to make sure we're safe, and to introduce someone to the group takes group consensus.
Does this fit in normal polyfidelitous guidelines?
Thanks for your feedback. Definitely food for thought.
 
Doesn't matter what other people do in their arrangements. These are YOUR group's guidelines.

To me it sounds like you already have guidelines established within your group that you all have agreed to. So it's isn't like proposing a totally new thing but actually starting to date?

I don't know if these rules have been enforced in the past.
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You could ask.

Any new partners in or outside the group must be vetted by the group to make sure we're safe, and to introduce someone to the group takes group consensus.
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You mean any new sex partner here, right? Either because you are now having sex with them and want to have sex with the group while maintaining this separate lover or because this lover will engage in group sex with the group, right? For hygiene and health reasons?

Not like "Come have pizza and watch a movie with us?"

Galagirl
 
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Need group permission before having sex outside the group, and that's obtained by "come have pizza with us and get to know us." Then no sex with group until that relationship is over and the incubation period has passed, unless that person agrees to join the group and the group agrees to accept him/her. Poly is very confusing to me! It's a matter of other members needing to trust the outside person to be disease free. I can't just say "I love him so I trust him" and others will buy that, since they don't know him. I can see the point of that, having fallen victim to "the test results are in the mail" number.
 
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