Confusion

Wow! I'm blown away by the thoughtful intelligent advice thanks! I do think I need to decide what to do before I go. I have adult children, a thriving career, and lots of friends here, and need to be sure before I go. Sounds like lots of talks are in order, and lots of soul-searching. You've been very helpful.
 
Yes, this is unusual. "Can't have sex with my male or female partners until I break up with outside lover, or somehow bring outside lover into the cult *cough* group."

Generally, safer sex is practiced in poly circles by using condoms with lovers, asking for current test results, and open communication about past sex practices with new person's former or current partners. None of this "no sex with my other partner(s) until 'incubation period' has passed" deal.

We do have recent threads here about safer sex, herpes, etc. Do a tag search.

Sounds like you have a good life, family, thriving career. Who is it wants or needs to move your group across country? Let me guess... the male.

BTW, even if you found a bi male lover, there's no guarantee he would be attracted to your Leader/Dom/Lord/Sir, or vice versa. Just because someone is bi, doesn't mean they will shag anyone of either gender. If you want a bf, and want him to be straight just so you're sure he's yours and not a new pet for your Leader, go get him! If this doesn't sit well with the rules of your current polycule, YOU decide what to do... weigh your options and potential benefits.
 
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Yeah, I gotta call shenanigans on these rules. Just in my opinion.

Even in BDSM lifestyle relationships with D-types and s-types, everyone has to be on the same page! If one of my former subs told me she needed something critical to her well-being, I'd have jumped through hoops to give it to her. That's what a D-type has the duty of doing.

Another thing it seems like, again from the outside, that your "leader" is doing is taking advantage of the differences between men and women (generally). Sure, another woman who would possibly entertain being part of this harem would go through your initiation period, but most (stereotypically of course) men? No. Even if there was an initial connection of value with you, having to submit to some guy *cough* group's rules, is going to turn him off. Your mileage may vary, but it's going to make you finding someone else much, much harder. Which is either consciously or unconsciously part of the plan.

Also, I'm sure you're old enough to have experienced people who create what seems like well-intentioned rules, only to have control over the system. The government does it every day. Hiding subversive plans in what seem to be innocuous, "good for the group" rules is playing dirty.

You, and you alone, should get to decide whom you have sex with. Period. Full stop. End of sentence. Now there would be consequences of course...being cut off from the group sexually...and lets face it, a bit of emotional turmoil...but it sounds like you're not getting what you need sexually already. And if you're not being heard, it doesn't sound like they're there for you emotionally either. At least on this issue.

Could a confident, well-adjusted guy handle a pizza party interview? Of course. I've been on group dates where I was scrutinized and came out with flying colors. But it's not something you should have to do. What matters is what you think of the guy you want to be involved with.
 
Magdlyn said:
Yes, this is unusual. "Can't have sex with my male or female partners until I break up with outside lover, or somehow bring outside lover into the cult *cough* group."

Generally, safer sex is practiced in poly circles by using condoms with lovers, asking for current test results, and open communication about past sex practices with new person's former or current partners. None of this "no sex with my other partner(s) until 'incubation period' has passed" deal.

We do have recent threads here about safer sex, herpes, etc. Do a tag search.

Sounds like you have a good life, family, thriving career. Who is it wants or needs to move your group across country? Let me guess... the male.

BTW, even if you found a bi male lover, there's no guarantee he would be attracted to your Leader/Dom/Lord/Sir, or vice versa. Just because someone is bi, doesn't mean they will shag anyone of either gender. If you want a bf, and want him to be straight just so you're sure he's yours and not a new pet for your Leader, go get him! If this doesn't sit well with the rules of your current polycule, YOU decide what to do... weigh your options and potential benefits.
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Agree with Mag here, poly is often practicing "safer" sex. of course the safest way is to be fluid bonded with only one person, or group of people, with no outsiders. But if you have outsiders, then safer sex comes in. For us, I am fluid bonded with both my primaries and they are both to have condom sex with any other women and those women must be clean and tested. My only strong rule is around oral, they can make out with her before we know about testing, or touch her, hand jobs etc....but no oral sex if we are 100% sure shes clean cause I'm not getting HPV. I don't have sex outside the group, but if I did i'd follow the same rules. I would agree to losing sex with my men because I'd taken another partner.
 
I do think I need to decide what to do before I go. I have adult children, a thriving career, and lots of friends here, and need to be sure before I go. Sounds like lots of talks are in order, and lots of soul-searching. You've been very helpful.
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Pretty much. Glad the forum helps you some.

If the group framework no longer works for YOU and there's this big cross country move possibility? You could have to weigh out the pros/cons and really only YOU can determine that.

So far I think I am reading this for...

STAY HERE

  • I have adult kids here
  • I have a thriving career here
  • I have lots of friends here.
  • I want to date new guy
  • I'm not feelin' it for giving my all to one of all of these:
  • Continue participating in the closed polyfi structure?
  • Seeking changes to the relationship structure even though I want to date a new man?
  • Moving cross country?

MOVE CROSS COUNTRY

  • To continue to date my polyship people short-distance rather than date long-distance or break up
  • To get to cohabitate with my polyship people.


I could be wrong, but that's how it seems so far.

A "meh" or a "maybe yes" or "no" is NOT "YAY! Can't wait! Joyous yes! Let me at it!" to me. To me anything less than a "joyous yes!" is not a yes -- and sticking to that makes deciding hard things a lot easier for me.

I don't get a vibe of "joyous yes!" here from you.

I don't know how else forum people can help you as far as organizing your thoughts. Did you need feedback on anything else?

HTH!
Galagirl
 
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polybynature said:
My only strong rule is around oral, they can make out with her before we know about testing, or touch her, hand jobs etc....but no oral sex if we are 100% sure shes clean cause I'm not getting HPV. I don't have sex outside the group, but if I did i'd follow the same rules. I would agree to losing sex with my men because I'd taken another partner.
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You know HPV has been linked to increasing numbers of throat/mouth cancers as well, right? This from someone who has HPV, learned about it, and has decided the risk of getting it (because I actually have a fairly rare strain so the likelihood of me being exposed to a DIFFERENT strain is fairly high) isn't worth me stressing too much about - herpes is much worse in my mind - but I digress... People can carry HPV, HSV, etc. in their mouths as well as in their genitals so allowing open mouthed kissing/making out but saying no oral doesn't make sense to me. Especially since there are barriers that can be used during oral to decrease transmission rates.
 
AlwaysGrowing said:
You know HPV has been linked to increasing numbers of throat/mouth cancers as well, right? This from someone who has HPV, learned about it, and has decided the risk of getting it (because I actually have a fairly rare strain so the likelihood of me being exposed to a DIFFERENT strain is fairly high) isn't worth me stressing too much about - herpes is much worse in my mind - but I digress... People can carry HPV, HSV, etc. in their mouths as well as in their genitals so allowing open mouthed kissing/making out but saying no oral doesn't make sense to me. Especially since there are barriers that can be used during oral to decrease transmission rates.
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Huh, didn't know that about HPV. something new every day. guess we can just all be safe as possible. I agree herpes is a worse scenario
 
Peoplelover said:
Any new partners in or outside the group must be vetted by the group to make sure we're safe, and to introduce someone to the group takes group consensus.
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What the hell??!!! Seriously? And you agreed to this crap because you thought that was "normal poly?" Didn't you ever think to yourself that it would be incredibly weird and unfair for other people to make a decision about whom you can or cannot share your body and develop a relationship with? Didn't you ever wonder why your own ability and right to choose who you want to be intimate with was being hampered? Don't you feel disrespected? I would, if I were you.

Common sense still applies in polyamorous relationships, you know. This is a cult.

Peoplelover said:
Does this fit in normal polyfidelitous guidelines?
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NO. It is odd and sounds like a dictatorship.

Your body is yours. Your life is yours. Whom you love and fuck shouldn't be up to anyone but you.

How long have you been involved with this group?
 
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nycindie said:
Peoplelover said:
Does this fit in normal polyfidelitous guidelines?
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NO. It is odd and sounds like a dictatorship.
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I don't know, closed relationships (polyfidelitous) by their definition need some kind of vetting for entry otherwise they would just be polyamorous. The fidelity aspect presumes there is an agreement that the relationship is either permanently closed to new partners or that there are barriers to be overcome in order to make an exception. So to me, most of those relationships sound wakadoodle.

Granted, this is the closes polyfidelitious setup to an honest to goodness harem I have heard of. I was reading through this thread expecting to hear that he was importing them all to Utah so he could start pumping out kids to fill his compound.
 
Apparently they really aren't totally poly-fi,since having a partner outside the core group is allowed, though it requires a quarantine from the rest of them. It's the vetting and approving that creeps me out. If someone I like is attracted to me and we hit it off and want to get jiggy wid it, there is no way in hell I would agree to having to present him to the tribunal to say yay or nay. Why the hell does a third (and fourth, and fifth) party get to determine who and how I share intimacy? It's totally whack.

If they were truly poly-fi, there would be no vetting and approving because they would be closed and not even considering anyone else.
 
Yeah, I'm not sure why everyone is saying this isn't poly. It does sound like a harem, but also sounds like "normal" poly-fi rules. Because poli-fi is closed poly - no relationships outside the group w/o everyone in the groups consent or agreed upon consequence happen.
 
nycindie said:
It's totally whack
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You won't get any argument from me on that note.

My only addition was that, while this has the throttle turned up on the crazy-dictatorship meter for a poly-fi relationship... many of these poly-fi setups seem to have similar agreements.
 
Just a side note, a situation (A Dom with 3 subs) like this doesn't have to be dysfunctional. It's just how this leader guy is running it that is making it so.
 
Could you remain in the group as a non sexual partner if you find a boy you want to have sex with that is not part of the group?
 
I've still never heard if this was an actual BDSM relationship or not. Is it? Is he a D-type and all of you subs? That's what this sounds like.

Even if its not, I've gotta agree that your needs aren't being met and you need to take some control back for your own safety and protection.
 
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