I'm a 39 yr old female living with my 40 yr old "boyfriend", his wife and their 2 kids for the past 4 years. I met him first through the BDSM scene and quickly fell in love. I met his wife and realized that in a different situation, she and I would not be friends. It wasn't anything in particular about her, just an odd feeling. I had been in a very open marriage before and felt comfortable that this odd feeling wasn't jealousy. I moved in with them a year after I met him (this was her idea).
He and I were sexually active and we tried to have the wife join once. She claimed to be interested but I quickly found that she was interested only in receiving from both of us but would not "give" to either. I wrote this off to nerves until it happened again. I knew the that she was not bi and was only doing it because she thought that would make her appealing. I think we have all met girls like that, confused.
Over time I began to see that he was the one who cleaned house, took care the bills and the kids and pets. While he was doing all of this, she would sit on the couch and watch Disney movies or read her tablet. She very rarely cleaned up after herself and was refusing to have another child because of her career and because she wanted to wait for the current child to go to school.
I began to notice that she was very rude to friends and family, often touting her "intelligence, expertise and opinion".
She finally agreed to have another kid with him "if (he) bought her a bigger house so that the kids would have their own room". He bought a 5 bedroom house and she started "trying" to get pregnant. Once it became clear after a few months that it wasn't going to be easy, she freaked out and told me that she felt guilty because he had bought the house so now she HAD to have a baby. Eventually it did happen.
Now, he and I clean this huge house, pay bills, clean up after the wife, cook supper, help with homework, change diapers, get up with the baby at night and take off work when the kids are sick while she stays at work for 14 hour days, takes off during the week while the kids are in school or day care and works on the weekends. At times I will get so irritated that o will not do something in order to try to get her to do it herself. He ends up doing it instead and this ends up making me more pissed off.
Now, some items of importance:
1. She told me that before their oldest was conceived, she was leaving him for someone she was cheating on him with ( they did not have an open marriage at that time). He found out the day before she was leaving and left her. She decided to stay with him and beg him to take her back because "he is more stable and has a better paying job".
2. He has informed me that if I have a relationship with another guy, it will change our relationship significantly.
3. When I get fed up with her and get pissed, he gets mad at me for "upsetting the peace".
4. When I do finally confront her on her behavior, she either pouts, acts shocked and surprised or gets defensive and denies.
5. They won't tell anyone about our relationship except others in the BDSM/poly scene. He finally told his sister after I had lived with them for 3 years. I am constantly asked questions and looked at weirdly by the public when they learn that my "roommates" are a married couple and their kids. Neighbors have asked if I was the nanny. Their families have made polite inquiries as to why I don't date. He won't show me any PDA or even tell me he loves me if one of the kids are in the room. The kids know me as only a roommate.
6. She told me that she hasn't been sexually attracted to him in almost a decade.
7. We have a gps app we use called friend finder so that we can keep track of each other. For some reason hers never lets us see where she is (convenient for those 14 hour supposed work days)
8. None of our friends like her. She gets pouty because they don't invite her to do stuff with them. They say she is rude to them and their spouses, yells at their kids and tells them what they are doing wrong as parents, why would they invite her to do anything.
9. His 3 previous girlfriends in the poly lifestyle left him because she was "rude, bossy and a whiney, lazy bitch" He says they split because they were all going In Different directions.
10. His family can't stand her. His mom has told me that they feel so unwelcome because the wife is bossy, rude and yells at the husbands 80 year old step father. She is jealous because the wife's mother is often staying or visiting at our house but the wife tells them they can't.
I am sure you are wondering why I stay in this situation if I am so unhappy. The answer is that I absolutely love him and the kids. I feel awful that he has to do everything on his own and would have no help if I left.
My problem is that I am unsure how much longer I can take this. I'm getting more and more unhappy. He and I rarely get time to ourselves unless it's after the kids go to bed and then we are exhausted. im beginning to feel like a glorified nanny/maid/cocksucker. Am I just being jealous? How can I get him to see how she is since he is so blind. Should I start actively looking for a secondary someone who will put me first on occasion? Should I put my foot down and just let them both know how I feel and damn the consequences?
Conundrum
He and I were sexually active and we tried to have the wife join once. She claimed to be interested but I quickly found that she was interested only in receiving from both of us but would not "give" to either. I wrote this off to nerves until it happened again. I knew the that she was not bi and was only doing it because she thought that would make her appealing. I think we have all met girls like that, confused.
Over time I began to see that he was the one who cleaned house, took care the bills and the kids and pets. While he was doing all of this, she would sit on the couch and watch Disney movies or read her tablet. She very rarely cleaned up after herself and was refusing to have another child because of her career and because she wanted to wait for the current child to go to school.
I began to notice that she was very rude to friends and family, often touting her "intelligence, expertise and opinion".
She finally agreed to have another kid with him "if (he) bought her a bigger house so that the kids would have their own room". He bought a 5 bedroom house and she started "trying" to get pregnant. Once it became clear after a few months that it wasn't going to be easy, she freaked out and told me that she felt guilty because he had bought the house so now she HAD to have a baby. Eventually it did happen.
Now, he and I clean this huge house, pay bills, clean up after the wife, cook supper, help with homework, change diapers, get up with the baby at night and take off work when the kids are sick while she stays at work for 14 hour days, takes off during the week while the kids are in school or day care and works on the weekends. At times I will get so irritated that o will not do something in order to try to get her to do it herself. He ends up doing it instead and this ends up making me more pissed off.
Now, some items of importance:
1. She told me that before their oldest was conceived, she was leaving him for someone she was cheating on him with ( they did not have an open marriage at that time). He found out the day before she was leaving and left her. She decided to stay with him and beg him to take her back because "he is more stable and has a better paying job".
2. He has informed me that if I have a relationship with another guy, it will change our relationship significantly.
3. When I get fed up with her and get pissed, he gets mad at me for "upsetting the peace".
4. When I do finally confront her on her behavior, she either pouts, acts shocked and surprised or gets defensive and denies.
5. They won't tell anyone about our relationship except others in the BDSM/poly scene. He finally told his sister after I had lived with them for 3 years. I am constantly asked questions and looked at weirdly by the public when they learn that my "roommates" are a married couple and their kids. Neighbors have asked if I was the nanny. Their families have made polite inquiries as to why I don't date. He won't show me any PDA or even tell me he loves me if one of the kids are in the room. The kids know me as only a roommate.
6. She told me that she hasn't been sexually attracted to him in almost a decade.
7. We have a gps app we use called friend finder so that we can keep track of each other. For some reason hers never lets us see where she is (convenient for those 14 hour supposed work days)
8. None of our friends like her. She gets pouty because they don't invite her to do stuff with them. They say she is rude to them and their spouses, yells at their kids and tells them what they are doing wrong as parents, why would they invite her to do anything.
9. His 3 previous girlfriends in the poly lifestyle left him because she was "rude, bossy and a whiney, lazy bitch" He says they split because they were all going In Different directions.
10. His family can't stand her. His mom has told me that they feel so unwelcome because the wife is bossy, rude and yells at the husbands 80 year old step father. She is jealous because the wife's mother is often staying or visiting at our house but the wife tells them they can't.
I am sure you are wondering why I stay in this situation if I am so unhappy. The answer is that I absolutely love him and the kids. I feel awful that he has to do everything on his own and would have no help if I left.
My problem is that I am unsure how much longer I can take this. I'm getting more and more unhappy. He and I rarely get time to ourselves unless it's after the kids go to bed and then we are exhausted. im beginning to feel like a glorified nanny/maid/cocksucker. Am I just being jealous? How can I get him to see how she is since he is so blind. Should I start actively looking for a secondary someone who will put me first on occasion? Should I put my foot down and just let them both know how I feel and damn the consequences?
Conundrum
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