Consequences of Boundary Crossing?

[RiverGoddess]

Hey all,

With your awesome support, I have been able to focus my energy on the important factors in my situation, and get clear on my boundaries within it.

I have spent time getting clear what my boundaries are, but I now need to figure out what consequences would be for crossing them. I realize that I don't have a lot of choices available to me besides "I'll be angry/hurt/not trust you", or, "I will leave."

What are some other choices? I mean, if someone crosses a boundary or breaks a rule, what else can you do besides be mad or leave?

Is it fair or appropriate to say "If the agreements we make together are violated, the offending relationship must end?"

or ???

I know that I am not prepared to leave if he comes home late from a date. If it was perpetual, I would be considering his levels of respect and consideration, but I guess there is not specifically a consequence besides him losing my encouragement and support regarding making dates.

I realize that I don't actually know what I would do if I discovered he was having sex without a condom, besides be very angry and hurt, and require hard talks and health screening, etc.. I know this is the biggest one for most people, and it is for me too, but I realize that I'm not sure what level of, or how many indiscretions it would take for me to actually leave.

Why is it easier to let it slide if no STI was transmitted and nobody got pregnant? Should one not be held to the same accountability, regardless?

So, I guess I am saying that I would not likely leave after one or two incidents (depending on severity and intentions) but after a series of inconsiderate boundary crosses or agreement breaking. I don't really know what else falls between "I'm angry" and "I'm leaving."

I would love to hear your thoughts. I would like to hear if you have an "If X, then Y" format.

He has not done anything and I trust him not to, however I do feel like I need to know these things for my own self. Suggestions for consideration are appreciated

 

[KC43]

In my opinion, no, it isn't fair to require someone to end a relationship you aren't involved in if your boundaries are crossed. That's why the usual consequence is the person whose boundary was crossed leaving the relationship. You can't control other people's behavior, only your own.

For the non-use of a condom (which is a boundary for me as well), the consequence I would give is "Since you did that, until you, they, and all of their other partners are tested, we will have to go back to using condoms. Oh, and since I have a latex sensitivity and non-latex condoms are expensive, I guess we won't be having sex."

(Passive aggressive sounding, but true.)

As for the other infractions, personally, I've found that telling a partner who violates one of my boundaries that I've lost trust for them is a sufficient consequence. Your mileage may vary; earning *my* trust is very difficult and most people never achieve it, which my partners know, so if someone who has earned enough trust for me to accept them as a partner loses my trust, they know exactly what they've lost.

 

[Wisp]

A) If the rule was fair and all parties agreed to it with good intentions, and it is violated, it would cause me personally to question the stability and health of the whole relationship.
ex. do not have unprotected sex, as it might put us all at risk of STI's.

B) If the rule was made under pressure and one of the parties is not really in agreement of the rule, it might instead trigger a discussion about the bigger issue.
ex. Be home by 10 PM, because I want your date to understand that I am the primary and it's not her right to expect flexible time with you.

In the case of violation of rule A I would question the entire relationship. It would seriously shake my trust of my partner, because their violation puts me and possibly other partners in harm's way.

In the case of rule B, it would trigger a discussion on everyone's desires and possibly need to renegotiate things as the relationship develops.

I wanted to point out that rules and boundaries are different, and it appears we are actually talking about rules here.

 

[GalaGirl]

To borrow from baseball....

Some of my things are 1 strike and I am out. I am just not going to stick around for more of same. Hard limits, total deal breaker.

Other things that I am more willing to take on 3 strikes. Hopefully they change whatever the behavior is before 3 strikes. But I put a limit on it so my soft feelings for the person don't tempt me to stay in a chronic situation where the person clearly has no intention of follow through. They are just selling me words with no action to back it up. If thy are making an effort and taking personal responsibility for changing behavior? Ok. I can accept some things take time to go -- like attend therapy or whatever. But blowing me off? Forget it.

Maybe your number is higher than 3. Maybe 5 chances, but surely it would not be 50 chances, 500, 5,000?

Determine what you limit of tolerance is. Do not be a doormat.

And remember boundaries are for YOU, with consequences YOU follow. Not for the other person.

I would like to hear if you have an "If X, then Y" format.

If I lend my vac to a neighbor and they return it broken?

• If they also apologize and offer to repair or replace it? Then the consequence I can choose to accept the apology, forgive, and I choose to still be willing to lend them things. Accidents can happen, and they are trying to be responsible.

• If they make no apology and do not offer to repair or replace it? Then consequence I can do is I ask them to apologize and repair/replace it. If they don't take personal responsibility for it? I can chose not to lend this careless neighbor anything any more so I do not get dinged again. They come asking for my lawnmower? I say NO. I don't say YES secretly hoping they don't break something else.

Is it fair or appropriate to say "If the agreements we make together are violated, the offending relationship must end?"

Doesn't that mean YOU dump the offender since that is the offending relationship?

Why is it easier to let it slide if no STI was transmitted and nobody got pregnant? Should one not be held to the same accountability, regardless?

I would not let that slide. When I ask "Have there been other encounters since we were last together?" I expect honesty. I expect to use condoms with ME either way. I am in charge of protecting my body, not the other person.

Doing lies of omissions and denying me opportunity to give full consent from a place of knowledge is a 1 strike deal breaker to me.

Galagirl

 

[Emm]

The consequence of a broken boundary is your reaction to it. "If X happens then you have to do Y" is a rule, with not one, but two places that it can be broken by someone who isn't you. "If X happens then I will do Z (which will cause Y to happen as a consequence of my actions)" is a boundary, because it's about what your reaction to X will be. You can't control another person's behaviour, whether it's to prevent them from X-ing or ensuring that they Y when they do, but you can make them—and yourself—aware of what your reaction to it will be.

Is it fair or appropriate to say "If the agreements we make together are violated, the offending relationship must end?"

You can say anything you like, but if the agreement not to do whatever it was they did was broken, why would you expect them to abide by an agreement to punish themselves for doing it?

 

[Tinwen]

What are some other choices? I mean, if someone crosses a boundary or breaks a rule, what else can you do besides be mad or leave?
...
I know that I am not prepared to leave if he comes home late from a date.

You don't have to be mad to draw consequences. Basically the idea of a boundary is not to punish the other person (that doesn't work), but to make you feel more comfortable. In this case, if it happens once or twice, what comes to my mind is:
- you remind him that he has broken an agreement. (Is he willing to apologise? Do something nice for you, like plan a date, in return?)
- find out if the agreement is good for both sides in the first place

Depending on what it is that bothers you about coming late, you can
- make a phone call to him next time to check in whether he's going to come home
- not wait for him after other dates
- make it clear that it's a turnoff to you and there will be no intimate continuation
- ask him to sleep on the couch next time, because he's woken you up
- not set time-limits for your own dates with friends either

Do any of those sound appropriate?

Of course, if it's a pattern (and other things too), you might have to solve more complicated underlying issues like lack of commitment or respect - all those serious relationship talks, finding out both of your needs, therapy, leaving.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi RiverGoddess,

The one thing I can think of between "I'm angry" and "I'm leaving" is to leave temporarily -- if you can. Stay with a friend for a week. No contact with the person who violated your boundary ... until the week is up.

Other than that there is "three strikes you're out" or things to that effect. I can't think of much else ...

Sincerely,
Kevin T.