Considered Poly Before Cheating

B

Birdcage

New member
Hello — completely new here, but really trying to find some unbiased help. Very long story short (cutting out a lot of detail for now):

My wife and I had talked about opening our marriage and exploring poly for a while. I never felt our relationship was stable enough and wasn’t ready, she felt I was dragging my feet and not validating her needs (poly was more so her idea).

She eventually began cheating — emotionally and sexually — with multiple people in various ways. I only found out because someone else’s partner contacted me. Otherwise, she admits she never would have come clean.

I know she is poly and in a perfect world we would be in a poly relationship. She promises mono for now, but I’m havjng a difficult time trusting (just recently found out she was still casually talking to the person she was equally and emotionally cheating and very much still loves).

I want to work it out. Do I need to get to a point where I am comfortable being poly? Is this the best way to trust she won’t cheat again? TYIA
 
Birdcage,

My guess is you will get some responses about ETHICAL NON MONOGAMY. There is nothing ethical about being a serial cheater.

So you have to figure out what YOU want and can live with. Your odds of being happy are greatly reduced if you are not all in. Your reaction is like most men right now, bewildered and confused.

And if she is still talking to an AFFAIR partner while telling you she will be mono, she is still lying to you.

Your wife initiated the open marriage talk, but she decided to participate without telling you.

So do some reading

More Than Two
Opening Up

But more importantly search your soul. She controls what she does. You are not obligated to accept it. Having sex with other men was not included in the marriage vows, so that is her choice and maybe there is a reason you want to accept it, but you have not shared much other than she cheated multiple times and was living a double life lying to you daily.
Kids??? Jobs??? Finances???

There has to be a reason your first step is to try to talk yourself into doing this, but you better make sure you can live with it . Right now, you’re not a happy camper and its been hidden from you. You have some big decisions and you are allowed to make them regardless of what she wants.
 
Birdcage said:
My wife and I had talked about opening our marriage and exploring poly for a while. I never felt our relationship was stable enough and wasn’t ready, she felt I was dragging my feet and not validating her needs (poly was more so her idea).

She eventually began cheating — emotionally and sexually — with multiple people in various ways. I only found out because someone else’s partner contacted me. Otherwise, she admits she never would have come clean.
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Well, obviously there was a good reason you felt your relationship wasn't stable enough to handle poly - it wasn't.

Cheating has nothing in common with polyamory, except that one party is behaving in a non-mono fashion (without the other's knowledge OR acceptance). This is wrong and bound to cause mistrust and further destabilise the marriage, which is what has happened.


She promises mono for now, but I’m havjng a difficult time trusting (just recently found out she was still casually talking to the person she was equally and emotionally cheating and very much still loves).

I want to work it out. Do I need to get to a point where I am comfortable being poly? Is this the best way to trust she won’t cheat again? TYIA
Click to expand...

It's completely understandable that you'd have difficulty trusting her word after her behaviour... which, to some extent, appears to be ongoing, at least emotionally.

No. You most certainly do NOT have to force yourself to get comfortable with poly - UNLESS you personally have some interest in either being poly, or WANT to be comfortable with it.

I wouldn't recommend going down that path unless/until:

- You've BOTH done some work on healing from the past cheating behaviour - preferably with the aid of a trained counsellor/therapist.

- Your wife ends things with the cheating partner she is still talking to (unless she gains your whole-hearted consent to keep talking to this person.)

- You both want to stay married, and are prepared to do the work (reading, research, soul-searching, therapy etc.) to make this happen in a way you can both get your needs met.
 
I'm sorry to hear about cheating. :(

I don't know if this helps any.

https://felislunae.org/relationships-love/coming-clean/

I want to work it out.
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Not specific. Work out HOW?

You free from this? Parting ways makes you free from this. Only you have to do a behavior. You walk.

You free from this AND still dating each other in a healthy way? That requires BOTH people doing certain behaviors. You can do your share of the work. Will she be doing hers?

Do I need to get to a point where I am comfortable being poly?
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What makes you think a person cannot cheat on their poly agreements? It's not like being in a poly relationship model automatically makes it "cheater proof."

IMO, what makes something cheater proof is the character of the person.

Is this the best way to trust she won’t cheat again?
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What does poly have to do with it? This is about her ability to keep her WORD. If she's screwed up? There behavior she could do. You cannot do it for her:

  • She has to apologize.
  • She has to make appropriate amends.
  • She has to state what behavior she will change/do from now on instead of cheating behavior.
  • She needs to clock some time DOING IT to demonstrate that she really is turning a new leaf.

THEN you get a turn. You decide to risking trusting her again, find out it is not doom, and you can relax into trusting her more over time.

But you don't just leap to this "trusting her to keep her word" step.

There's stuff that comes before it -- that she has to do. And you are not in charge of her behavior. You could ASK her do it, and then wait and see what she delivers.

You might also think about what the consequence is that YOU can do if she cheats again. Like rather than preventing behavior you have no control over (her cheating or not cheating) you focus on behavior you do have control over. (If she cheats again you will do.....what?)

Galagirl
 
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Thank you for all of your responses and advice. I probably should have clarified that she 1. has apologized profusely and has made a lot of changes since the first round of finding everything out and 2. has tried to explain the "why" and "how" it happened, which was essentially that she was trying to figure out whether being poly was more important to her than being mono with me. I think in an ideal world, she wants to be with me, just poly. When I wasn't ready to give that to her, she began "flailing" (her words, not mine) trying to figure out who she was and what she wanted. I recognize this doesn't make it okay, and so does she. She has recognized and owned up to everything she has done wrong and she desperately wants to work it out, and has said she would rather be mono with me (is not interested in poly anymore).

Trying to figure out on my end if poly would be better is two-fold. I've been lacking things in our relationship for a while, and I now know why. I'm wondering if poly would be good for me (I have genuinely been interested for a while, but wanted to do it right and didn't feel we were at a good enough place). I'm reading The Ethical Slut which has been helpful, too. The other potential reason for considering poly is if it is genuinely something that's important to her, I don't want to be naive to think if I ask her to be mono forever, the poly part of her will just disappear.

I hope this clarifies a bit and helps? I do love her and we do have a lot of really great aspects of our relationship, and she has genuinely been putting in the work to fix what she has broken. She has also promised to officially cut off the person she was still casually talking to, though I don't want to be the person constantly checking her phone, etc. to make sure.

Anyway, hopefully this helps to clarify. I'm not even really sure what the question is anymore. Just really confused, and I suppose looking for hope that I'll be able to work it out with her?


Also, the link you sent did not work. Are you able to copy-paste some of the info? Thanks!
 
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Hello Birdcage,

I'm feeling doubtful that your wife could be trusted to go back to monogamy. She admitted she never would have come clean, and she's still been talking with one of the people she was cheating with. So, you seem to have three choices:

  • Stay monogamous, but have her continue to cheat.
  • Switch to polyamory. (Not sure if she will cheat.)
  • Divorce. (I'm sure you don't want to do this one.)
In other words, I think she will be continuing to see other people no matter what you choose. I mean sure she's apologizing profusely, but even if she has every intention of not cheating anymore, who says she will be able to resist the temptation? So, she is kind of cornering you into accepting poly, even if she doesn't mean to.

Switching to polyamory might result in her not cheating anymore, but that is not a guarantee. I suppose you could give it a trial run and see what happens. There will always be a chance, though, that she could be cheating, and is just keeping the fact hidden from you. Can you live with that (as a possibility)?

Sorry I couldn't offer any easy answers. :(
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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