constantly feeling like a third wheel

undercover2020

New member
i recently became the girlfriend of a married couple. from the beginning, i've always been super cautious of overstepping or being insistent, starting from the first time she'd set up me sleeping with him for the first time. we've been using the title for about 2 months now and i'm having concerns. i feel like i'm more of an accessory than a girlfriend. i try to not overstep and assume its okay to be around constantly (we live together, long story but it was from before we started dating) and i'm very cautious of everything i do and say as to not upset anyone. i don't want to keep bringing up the same points because they ARE married and i'm just the girlfriend, but it's upsetting when i never get to spend quality time with him and she pulls him away for the weekend or they go on vacation without thinking to include me. last week, i barely spoke to him until we had sex saturday night and now she's claiming the whole weekend to dedicate to their relationship while we're all snowed in under the same roof. which again, theyre married. so i don't want to overstep. i tried to explain it to her but she said she barely gets time with him either. they sleep together every night and go out on dates and talk every day. i'm trying to not be shitty and jealous but are my feelings justified at all? i understand that i'm just the girlfriend but i only feel like that about 5% of the time. is there another way i can bring this up?

ETA they both consider me their girlfriend & the bond between her and i and everything between the two of us is completely fine
 
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You mention you became *their* girlfriend...are you actively dating/having sex with the wife, too, or just the husband?

Honestly, it reads a little like you are letting them/her push you around and not giving yourself value as an adult in an adult relationship. So, yes, your feelings are justified but you, as much as them, are a cause of these feelings. And that's okay too. No-one is an expert at polyamory when they are new to it.

Polyamory can be great, but not when you're so 'secondary' that you're not able to build a meaningful relationship with your partners.

It's admittedly been acknowledged that the people who wrote this didn't effectively practice what they preached, but it's still got a lot of worthwhile points to consider: https://www.morethantwo.com/relationshipbillofrights.html

You could use this as an entry point into a discussion with this couple. You could use it to better define how you want to be treated in any relationship.
 
You mention you became *their* girlfriend...are you actively dating/having sex with the wife, too, or just the husband?

Honestly, it reads a little like you are letting them/her push you around and not giving yourself value as an adult in an adult relationship. So, yes, your feelings are justified but you, as much as them, are a cause of these feelings. And that's okay too. No-one is an expert at polyamory when they are new to it.

Polyamory can be great, but not when you're so 'secondary' that you're not able to build a meaningful relationship with your partners.

It's admittedly been acknowledged that the people who wrote this didn't effectively practice what they preached, but it's still got a lot of worthwhile points to consider: https://www.morethantwo.com/relationshipbillofrights.html

You could use this as an entry point into a discussion with this couple. You could use it to better define how you want to be treated in any relationship.
sorry for not clarifying. her and i are in a relationship as well. everything between her and i is absolutely fine. it's really just him. he tells me he loves me and is def guilty of love bombing, 100%. he doesn't put effort into maintaining my relationship with him like he does with her.
 
If I was snowed in with both partners, I wouldn't be prioritising one of those relationships, I'd be looking for ways to actively include all three of us in everything from movie time toq cooking to sex (if we'd already been doing the threesome thing, if not, then I'd be agreeing to some alone time for each dyad in their rooms so no-one is ever required to leave a communal space).

If she's asserting her needs and you are not asserting yours, and he's just mute, then take a hard look at what's going on and what you've agreed to be a part of.

And have a word with him about the kind of communication you'd like between sexual encounters.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

I have trouble without names so I'm going to take the liberty of using made up ones. "Harry" the husband and "Wanda" the wife. If you prefer something else, I'm happy to go with what you pick.

This is what I understand so far.

  • You date both of them, and also live there. (This was from before you started dating them.)
  • Your dating relationship with Wanda is fine.
  • You have a problem with your dating relationship with Harry.
PROBLEM

Harry's walk and talk do not match. It's say one thing do another here.

Talk: He love bombs you.
Actions: He doesn't put effort into maintaining your relationship with him

  • from the beginning, i've always been super cautious of overstepping or being insistent,
  • i'm very cautious of everything i do and say as to not upset anyone.

I will assume you don't go around the house behaving like a jerk.
  • So why are you afraid Harry might get upset if you ask him out and make basic requests for regular time on his schedule? You aren't a mind reader. You have to ask.
    • If Harry gets upset because you ask him out... what do you think will happen that's making you fearful?
    • Why's he even dating you and calling you his GF if he doesn't plan on actually dating you?
    • Why are you dating him?
Then there is this.
  • So far... behaving this super cautious way of going doesn't seem to be helping you any.
    • Are you passive by nature? Not very assertive?
    • Or are you being this way because you live there and don't want to end up living with a moody ex?
    • Or them kicking you out?
    • Would this triad go better if you had your own place? Didn't have to know about or witness their dates/PDA?
  • starting from the first time she'd set up me sleeping with him for the first time.

In the (You + Harry) dynamic... Why is Wanda the one to arrange that? Rather than it being sorted out directly between you and Harry?

If there's any more of that going on? Nip in bud. Say "No, thanks Wanda. I prefer to sort out (me + Harry) things directly with Harry.

Does Harry expect his wife to run his schedule for him like a secretary or something?

  • it's upsetting when i never get to spend quality time with him
  • last week, i barely spoke to him until we had sex saturday night

So how do you ask him for time on his calendar? Could something about your approach change?

  • it's upsetting when i never get to spend quality time with him and she pulls him away for the weekend or they go on vacation without thinking to include me.
  • she's claiming the whole weekend to dedicate to their relationship while we're all snowed in under the same roof.

Why do they need to involve you in the (Harry + Wanda) dyad?

I get there might be times when it is the whole group of (you+ Harry+ Wanda) watching movies or whatever. But every dyad needs their own time alone.
  • You + Wanda
  • You + Harry
  • Wanda + Harry
Is it that you are envious/mad that she goes ahead and asks him out directly and gets results for (Wanda + Harry) time?

Where you hang back from fear of overstepping and that results in not much going on in (You + Harry) time?

i tried to explain it to her but she said she barely gets time with him either.

Could be true. And could be why she's been hustling to ask him out more lately. Because boring house time together =/= romantic time.

Is it that you get no time at all, so end up feeling envious that she gets at least the boring house time together with him?

I am curious and wonder why are you trying to sort out (you + Harry) calendar time problems with Wanda? His calendar isn't her job or her business. If you would like more time on Harry's calendar, you ask him out. Presumably he also asks you out sometimes. You each organize your calendars.

Is it that you do all the work and "carry" this relationship with Harry?

they sleep together every night and go out on dates and talk every day.

So... what would you like?
  • That he sometimes sleep with you during the week?
  • That he take you out on dates?
  • That he talk to you every day?
How have you asked him for these things so far?

i'm trying to not be shitty and jealous but are my feelings justified at all? i understand that i'm just the girlfriend but i only feel like that about 5% of the time. is there another way i can bring this up?

You are allowed to feel what you feel.

I don't know how you HAVE been bringing it up. Talking to him verbally, by email, by text -- you don't say what methods you have actually tried?

I think you could stop talking like "I am only the GF" like you aren't even a person. You ARE a person. You matter. It's like you are devaluing your own self when you talk like that. You ARE allowed to take up the space you do in the world. You ARE allowed to make choices about your own life.

If you are taking the passive path from fear of "overstepping" rather than just dealing with your BF direct? I suggest you start to deal with your BF direct. See if that works out better for you. Just date him like you would date any other person. It's not anything special just because it's a poly arrangement. Do the dating stuff you'd be doing if this was monogamy.

You still have to ask him out. You still have to get dates on the calendar. You don't just sit around, right?

he doesn't put effort into maintaining my relationship with him like he does with her.

This is not a competition with her.

This is "Does Harry meet my needs for a satisfying relationship or not?"

Through the dating process? You will find out if there's enough in common or not with Harry. If dating him is kind of a drag because he's too busy to give you the time and attention you need to feel happy dating him? Or you have to do all the work to keep the relationship going? He phones it in? Doesn't make effort? You are the one asking him out all the time? He hardly ever asks you?

Could keep it easier on you and just break up with him. Monogamy or poly -- Not everyone you date is gonna pan out like a long haul thing. And you don't HAVE to date both spouses.

If the problem is that Harry's turning out to be a dud because he doesn't put enough effort to make it worthwhile? End it with him then. Keep your life simpler.

If Wanda is a pleasure to date because she puts in equal effort? Date only her. Or if she's turning out to be a dud? End it.

That would be my suggestion. Let each dyad sink or stand on its own merit.

And don't talk to Harry about your Wanda problems. Or talk to Wanda about your Harry problems. Because that doesn't let each dyad stay separate. You could deal with each person you are dating directly.

Galagirl
 
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Hello undercover2020,

I'm sorry they are treating you like a third wheel. You are worth more than that, you should be a full and equal partner in this relationship. Yes they are married, but they accepted you into their relationship. Even if you are a secondary, you have rights. They are being inconsiderate towards you, you need to stand up for your rights. She is being especially inconsiderate towards you, she is taking him away from you. She says she hardly gets any time with him, but she gets much more than you. And he himself is neglecting you. Your feelings are very justified. Sit down with both of them, and have a talk about how you feel. Make it crystal clear that you want him -- you need him -- to spend more time with you. Don't let him sweep you to the side.

I'm sorry you're going through this.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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