Contingent on metamour!?!

Snowflake123

New member
My second partner (I’m married) is also married. They opened up their marriage after his wife met someone unexpectedly that turned into cheating. She wanted to continue that relationship (long distance) and he also wanted to experience dating other people as well so he met me on an app. This has been going on almost a year. The issue I have is he will only make time to see me when she is away visiting her boyfriend vs making time regardless of that. We live and hour and a half away as is plus I have kids so feels disrespectful/ selfish to only see me when it’s convenient bc she is gone. She has struggled to accept and fully embrace him also having a relationship and so I think he chooses the east route of seeing me to avoid conflict. It is wearing on me that I never know when I’ll see him bc his wife may not have plans etc. I sent him an email yesterday basically taking a stand stating I want it to feel like a real relationship where I am also priority if he is choosing to invite me into his life. Just curious peoples’ thoughts on all this…seems a true healthy relationship would be the hinge considering my feelings and needs as well and continuously advocating for our relationship. I think he also avoids texting me in front of her…
 
This doesn't sound like healthy poly to me.

It sounds like tit-for-tat stuff.

She cheated. So now he's gonna date too. Tit for tat 1.

She's grudgingly accepting, cuz she wants to keep going with the cheating affair partner. Tit for tat 2.

She goes off to see her BF. He doesn't want to be alone so calls you up. Tit for tat 3.

I sent him an email yesterday basically taking a stand stating I want it to feel like a real relationship where I am also priority if he is choosing to invite me into his life.

I get you taking a stand. after a year the NRE has worn offf and you kinda want to know "Is this all I get here?"

But I don't see what changes in behavior you are actually requesting. You are talking about "feeling like a real relationship." IMHO and IME? It's faster to ask for the actions.

If it was me I would have said

"This catch-as-catch can isn't working for me. I live 90 min away and have childcare arrangements to do. Could we work out a regular dating schedule?"

If he can, great. Then maybe it starts feeling like a proper relationship where both are investing HERE and he's not all distracted tit-for-tatting with his wife THERE.

If he can't? Less great, but still good. You learn this IS all you are gonna get here. Makes it easy to say "Ok. Well, then I need to bow out. Catch as catch can doesn't work for me. Wish you well in your future relationships."

And you move on.

TBH? I would have bowed out earlier when I learned of the cheating affair.

Learning to poly is a lot of work. On top of any cheating affair healing work? Where's the time to date me supposed to come from?

The guy would not sound like a great potential to me. There's other people to date that come with way less baggage.

Then add this catch-as-catch can dating style of his? Meh.

I'd just drop him and not bother asking for changes. It's been a year. Not a month.

Don't know if that helps you any.

Galagirl
 
As an alternative to GalaGirl’s take ( which I don’t disagree with at all) he might just be blind to his selfishness and living for his own joy in not knowing really how to have multiple partners in a healthy way. If you end up going down the road to salvage the relationship based on your moral stance, see how open he is to understanding that this just isn’t how things work in healthy relationships, and see how much flexibility that conversation on its own might be able to serve your ends. If he budges you’ll have a better idea of where he’s at mentally and what his hold ups might be. If he doesn’t then you have a less fortunate answer.
 
Hello Snowflake123,

It sounds like your second partner is making you a second-class citizen; you are not the priority, ever. I think you should confront him directly about the limiting dates with you to when his wife is away visiting her boyfriend. Your dates with him should not be effected by what she does.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Have you all sat down together to talk about this? Or at least a group text about it? You deserve better. And it sounds like he's the one making those decisions to have his time with you when his wife is occupied. You deserve to have at least some regular standing dates and times with him. I understand how hard it is to coordinate kids and work to spend time with someone you love. They need to make it worth your time and effort. Talk together and have some set dates and times that are just for you and him, regardless of what's happening with her life. And maybe she can set her own dates/times with her lover, too. I'm the V in a triad. I'm married/nesting with one of the partners, and the other one lives on the other side of town. We have recently created access to see each other's calendars so we are aware of each person's needs. We also have set dates/times for me to spend with my partner twice a week. We can be reasonably flexible but we all have an equal say, too.
 
Hello Snowflake123,

It sounds like your second partner is making you a second-class citizen; you are not the priority, ever. I think you should confront him directly about the limiting dates with you to when his wife is away visiting her boyfriend. Your dates with him should not be effected by what she does.

Regards,
Kevin T.
Thank you for your response. I made the very tough decision to break up with him after a year and a half. I want to honor my self worth and what I deserve. It was clear to me that his wife has never respected our relationship- even though she has a long distance bf (she cheated on husband with this guy), she has strong reactions to him trying to see me outside of her being away, even gets upset when he wants to make a call to me even tho she does the same all the time with her bf.

This isn’t a reasonable couple we can sit down with and plan out time. They are not truly poly I’ve sadly discovefed and more opened up relationship so she could continue seeing the affair partner:(
 
Have you all sat down together to talk about this? Or at least a group text about it? You deserve better. And it sounds like he's the one making those decisions to have his time with you when his wife is occupied. You deserve to have at least some regular standing dates and times with him. I understand how hard it is to coordinate kids and work to spend time with someone you love. They need to make it worth your time and effort. Talk together and have some set dates and times that are just for you and him, regardless of what's happening with her life. And maybe she can set her own dates/times with her lover, too. I'm the V in a triad. I'm married/nesting with one of the partners, and the other one lives on the other side of town. We have recently created access to see each other's calendars so we are aware of each person's needs. We also have set dates/times for me to spend with my partner twice a week. We can be reasonably flexible but we all have an equal say, too.
Thank you for this. Sadly, they’re a couple that opened up their marriage after she cheated on him and she wanted to keep seeing the guy. As such, she doesn’t truly respect my relationship. He respects her need to call her bf and text him and yet he will distance himself from texting me when she’s around in fear of her reaction and then claim “I do it it’s only temporary while her and I r good.” You’re not good. You’re not having tough conversations and you’re ignoring your needs and my needs to keep peace w her.

I broke up w him today. I’m still heartbroken it’s a very confusing time bc I know my self worth matters and I deserve more- it took a ton of bravery and strength. But still so so very sad
 
This doesn't sound like healthy poly to me.

It sounds like tit-for-tat stuff.

She cheated. So now he's gonna date too. Tit for tat 1.

She's grudgingly accepting, cuz she wants to keep going with the cheating affair partner. Tit for tat 2.

She goes off to see her BF. He doesn't want to be alone so calls you up. Tit for tat 3.



I get you taking a stand. after a year the NRE has worn offf and you kinda want to know "Is this all I get here?"

But I don't see what changes in behavior you are actually requesting. You are talking about "feeling like a real relationship." IMHO and IME? It's faster to ask for the actions.

If it was me I would have said

"This catch-as-catch can isn't working for me. I live 90 min away and have childcare arrangements to do. Could we work out a regular dating schedule?"

If he can, great. Then maybe it starts feeling like a proper relationship where both are investing HERE and he's not all distracted tit-for-tatting with his wife THERE.

If he can't? Less great, but still good. You learn this IS all you are gonna get here. Makes it easy to say "Ok. Well, then I need to bow out. Catch as catch can doesn't work for me. Wish you well in your future relationships."

And you move on.

TBH? I would have bowed out earlier when I learned of the cheating affair.

Learning to poly is a lot of work. On top of any cheating affair healing work? Where's the time to date me supposed to come from?

The guy would not sound like a great potential to me. There's other people to date that come with way less baggage.

Then add this catch-as-catch can dating style of his? Meh.

I'd just drop him and not bother asking for changes. It's been a year. Not a month.

Don't know if that helps you any.

Galagirl
I broke up with him this morning. He is incredibly conflict avoidant, likely driven by the fact his wife doesn’t truly respect our relationship and so had a history of lashing out around his needs to talk and see me. As such, he had been overly cautious and avoiding texting me and being in touch w me when she was around, even tho she was calling and texting her bf in front of him. I told him I won’t have my needs not met bc he is doing busy avoiding tough conversations / conflict with his wife. The worst is he felt thinfs had been better w them and his overly cautious avoidance of being in contact w me when she was around was only “temporary”. Things aren’t good they’re fake good you arnt even trying to advocate for us and state you’re needs.

Anyways at end of day, as all my Internet strangers have pointed out, I deserve better. Just wish it could of been with him and for that there’s a lot of grief. Not yet at the stage of relief :(
 
Thank you for this. Sadly, they’re a couple that opened up their marriage after she cheated on him and she wanted to keep seeing the guy. As such, she doesn’t truly respect my relationship. He respects her need to call her bf and text him and yet he will distance himself from texting me when she’s around in fear of her reaction and then claim “I do it it’s only temporary while her and I r good.” You’re not good. You’re not having tough conversations and you’re ignoring your needs and my needs to keep peace w her.

I broke up w him today. I’m still heartbroken it’s a very confusing time bc I know my self worth matters and I deserve more- it took a ton of bravery and strength. But still so so very sad
I'm so so sorry you are hurting. I'm SO glad you broke it off with him! We have all been there, with the pain of breaking up. If you need to talk you have a big group of internet strangers to keep telling you that you deserve better. You deserve to sit at the table, not be dealt table scraps. You deserve someone's full attention during your time together with them. They need to be physically and emotionally present. Breaking up really sucks, but what sucks more is being treated so poorly by someone who says they care about you. Speaking out both sides of his mouth.
Some unsolicited advice about the breakup-- don't engage in conversation with him right now. Allow some space for yourself to breathe, evaluate things, create a new routine that does not include him.

A good poly partner will work very hard to listen to and respect all parties involved. Your needs and feelings matter as much as anyone else's. It doesn't matter who is living with whom, or who has been with whom for x number of years, etc. Every one deserves respect and quality time, and everyone has an equal voice. The only ones who are 100% the priority are minor children. Their needs come first. All the adults involved should be equal.

I posted my story here: I think you might be able to relate to some of it. Feel free to message me, too, if you need to talk.

 
Things aren’t good they’re fake good

Yup. Fake good is not good.

I'm sorry. No break up is fun. :(

You have to do what is best for YOU though. Not just putting up with meh scraps just because he thought this was "temporary" but then is so conflict avoidant he doesn't actually take the steps to "un-temporary" it.

Like "It's been a year, Dude. Not a month. What's the matter with you?"

You deserve way better treatment. Glad you are putting your own well being first.

I hope in time you get to the relief stage. I get this is really fresh and raw right now. So disappointing. :(
 
Hi Snowflake123,

I'm sad to hear that you had to break up with him, but I can see that it was for the best. Always remember, you deserve better than second-class citizen status. I hope you can get to a place of healing. Hang in there.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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