Control vs. respect: spouse vs. partner

Hmm I think I'll have to stick to my position that I can bring friends into the home as long as they are not bad/unsafe characters for our child. My partner is not just a lover-- they are also a friend. We won't be having sex on the couch. ;-)
 
Yeah, it's actually a bit inconsistent that it was OK with Spouse to have your former bf over, but now, Partner, who is a long time platonic friend and whom you actually became interested in pre-kid, isn't allowed to come over...
 
Yeah, it's actually a bit inconsistent that it was OK with Spouse to have your former bf over, but now, Partner, who is a long time platonic friend and whom you actually became interested in pre-kid, isn't allowed to come over...

The way I read it, Spouse met her when she had 2 partners (the couple). OP lived in her own home. Then, when OP split with the couple, she effectively became mono with Spouse and they built a traditional life together.

So in his mind, it must feel like when she got "serious" about him, she became mono. Now poly has become a need she has to act on now, their relationship must be less "serious" and joint life-building less of a priority.

My main point is that it doesn't seem like she's had other partners in their marital home because nesting came after the monogamy.
 
Hmm I think I'll have to stick to my position that I can bring friends into the home as long as they are not bad/unsafe characters for our child. My partner is not just a lover-- they are also a friend. We won't be having sex on the couch. ;-)
But if someone is bad/unsafe for spouse? You've mentioned some pretty serious sounding mental health concerns in the not so distant past. Is having partner around your shared space worth the risk of spouse having another crisis?

Honestly, this is why I don't get involved with non-polyam identifying folks or people knew to open relationships (ideally polyamorous ones but case by case consideration there lol). Sure, spouse knew you are polyamorous. Sure, spouse knew or should have known you'd want to date again. But never having really done the work? Jumping in to a long time friend/ex/ person with history being the partner you want to push the comfort zone for? That's HARD for a monogamous mind, especially when the relationship has been strained recently (and yes, I realize spouse was primarily at fault for that, but the strain is still a valid stressor for everyone).

Yall honestly just might not be compatible for sharing a home. Is kid more comfy with both parents present? Maybe, but I guarantee kid will be better off with 2 healthy parents in 2 separate homes over 1 home with 1 or both parents constantly struggling. Now it's basically back to spouse. Will he ever get to the actual comfortable sharing his space place or is he not cut out for a polyamorous relationship? If actual comfort is possible, do the work together to get there at a reasonable pace (meaning discuss time frames, make incremental changes, frequent check ins, etc). If he's not cut out for it and likely never will be? Do the work together to peacefully separate homes and decide is the relationship is viable while living separately or if it's time to transition to coparenting.

I don't think your or spouse are wrong for your desires. I just don't think you sound compatible. But I'm an internet stranger so who knows!
 
I agree with AlwaysGrowing. Sure in my relationships, I can expect that any partner knows that my other partners will be coming in whatever home I live in. But that's because I do a lot of groundwork both expressing that I am polyamorous and actually being polyamorous during our relationship.

I understand why people like the OP stop for a while to build a family etc, but it changes things. It means that the things that apply to my relationships don't quite compute in theirs.

So while I think OP has the right to have partners in her home as a poly woman, I have to acknowledge that she built a monogamous relationship with her spouse and he's adjusting.
 
By the way--- I need to contact the admins about this-- I created a user name Follow the Sun and then that one didn't seem to work out, so I created another one (this one). I'm the same person. I need to delete or merge those!
 
The way I read it, Spouse met her when she had 2 partners (the couple). OP lived in her own home. Then, when OP split with the couple, she effectively became mono with Spouse and they built a traditional life together.

So in his mind, it must feel like when she got "serious" about him, she became mono. Now poly has become a need she has to act on now, their relationship must be less "serious" and joint life-building less of a priority.

My main point is that it doesn't seem like she's had other partners in their marital home because nesting came after the monogamy.
Good questions!
Spouse is safe. His mental health episodes were not violent. They were emotionally abusive. He is now stable, medicated, doing therapy and making a sincere effort to stay on track. He wants to stay on track for his own sake and that of his child, parents, and family. I don't feel it's unsafe to invite a partner into the home. If I felt he was unsafe I would not allow spouse to share a home with our child, either.
Looking back, it definitely would have been better to not invite Spouse to live in my home and us to make a home together. I thought I knew him well after 2 years of dating. We even went to a retreat early on with both the poly couple and ourselves, and we had dinner all of us together a couple of times.

We should have had those conversations about "yes we are mono now for the sake of the pregnancy/baby but there will be at time when I may not be mono anymore."
As a couple we are very compatible. There is a strong connection there even with all the mental health stuff that went on. In the thick of it he did move out for about 6 months to maintain the peace of the home and to for the child's sake-- as well as to give Spouse the room to work on his issues and healing. He moved back in about 6 months ago and has been making more progress.

Maybe this has to do with his fears of rocking the boat more than his fears of me loving someone else more than him and that kind of thing?
We had a wonderful talk yesterday after he had a good therapy session. He is open about his issues to this therapist, and he's also open about me being poly and our current issues. At some point we'll go as a couple for a session but he's not quite ready yet. The therapist pointed out this to him-- about him needing to have control. During one of his episodes he put cameras all over the place (hidden) because he thought I was going to cheat on him. He was having paranoid delusions and this was one of just several things he did-- but this one really affected me the most, obviously. He feels awful about this now. I have never ever cheated even in my mind or texting, etc. And he knew that, but he felt insecure about it anyway.

So, now that he's more aware of himself and his fears after the therapy, I think we can move forward with some compromises concerning poly Partner visiting our home from time to time. Poly partner knows about the mental health issues and feels comfortable with coming over into our home.

It's been great to think this through with the help of you all! Thanks! I'll update. We have a joint family dinner at a restaurant in about 10 days, Spouse, Partner, me, and child.
 
That is correct. The home was mine. I would have both my former poly partner over and my boyfriend-now-Spouse over. Then the poly relationship ended. Then Spouse moved into my home for convenience. Then we decided to have a baby. It was not the appropriate time to seek another poly partner at that time that we were having a baby.I was going through fertility treatments. Then baby was born, then Covid happened along with the mental illness episode. Again, not a good time to invite a partner in. I had enough on my hands.

Now things are stable. Mental health issue is stable. Job is stable, no more pandemic, not going to have any more babies, etc. So now is the time that I feel I can give my best self to another poly partner. I never told my Spouse I would be mono forever, but I think he got used to it and maybe assumed that was the case.
 
That is correct. The home was mine. I would have both my former poly partner over and my boyfriend-now-Spouse over. Then the poly relationship ended. Then Spouse moved into my home for convenience. Then we decided to have a baby. It was not the appropriate time to seek another poly partner at that time that we were having a baby.I was going through fertility treatments. Then baby was born, then Covid happened along with the mental illness episode. Again, not a good time to invite a partner in. I had enough on my hands.

Now things are stable. Mental health issue is stable. Job is stable, no more pandemic, not going to have any more babies, etc. So now is the time that I feel I can give my best self to another poly partner. I never told my Spouse I would be mono forever, but I think he got used to it and maybe assumed that was the case.

From what you've said, Spouse could argue that he did know you were poly and understood you'd act on that at some point. He didn't know you'd bring it home.

Bearing all this in mind, I think you're effectively starting at the beginning like a mono couple opening for the first time. So it will take both parties to actually do enough
work to understand ethical non-monogamy enough to think about what they might want from it. If anything at all.
 
I met and married my spouse several years ago. We met through a dating app where I was "out" as poly and I was in a poly relationship with another couple. That relationship with them ended for reasons not related to me and my spouse. My spouse does not identify as poly but was fine with me being poly when we met.

I was monogamous with my spouse for these several years but recently started a poly relationship. I was ethical, did not do anything behind anyone's back. Spouse was at first threatened by me starting a relationship. Then spouse accepted and even supported it as part of my sexuality-- but didn't want the new partner anywhere near our home and only wanted me to have once a week visits.

I pushed back for twice a week which is working out well, and I think that's where it will stay.

The poly partner lives quite a distance away. I would like poly partner to stay at our home overnight sometimes for convenience and to show them my home. The partner and I would spend time in my office, not my spousal bedroom.
My spouse is saying no way, the partner cannot come into our home. The spouse and partner have met at a public event. My spouse agrees that my partner is a safe, decent, nice person.

Here's how I feel-- it's my home, too. And I have a right to invite whomever I want over. I have a right to invite anyone into my personal office. I have always been very discrete with relationships, and my affections are only in private with both spouse and partner.

If it were a casual friend of mine, my spouse would not have the right to tell me I couldn't have my friend(s) over, nor would my spouse object to inviting friends over. I feel that my spouse is currently being very controllling. But . . I also don't want to disrespect my spouse's feelings.

I would appreciate advice and perspectives.
I may have a different take on this. I am in a VEE relationship, and my partner is the one who is married. My metamour and I like each other, and are very open when we talk about needs and expectations. I have found that the married partner sometimes feels as though the home you two have built is a 'sacred' place. If this is the case, they are not looking at your partner as an extension of you....but rather an outsider they wish to distance themselves from. If you wish to move forward with having your partner visit in your home, you may want to find the root-cause of your husband's push-back. Bringing everyone together for tabletop discussions are essential.
 
Update--- things have been going great! Thank you for the advice! We had dinner together all of us, and it went as well as it could. Husband was sa bit reserved but trying. I have a "type" so the two men had quite a bit in common. Last Saturday Partner was supposed to sleep over, in my office, but Husband was having a bad mental health day, so we canceled and I went to Partner's place. Today we are going to try again. Husband is being supportive this time. He is dipping his toes into the poly community and plans to go to a game night they are hosting tomorrow. I would go with him except someone has to watch the kiddo. I know some of the people who are going, and they are nice, mature, welcoming people. He sees I'm happier now, and it's translating to me being happier with him and in general. It's a good thing. He's a good guy. They both are. I'm very very lucky.
 
Update--- things have been going great! Thank you for the advice! We had dinner together all of us, and it went as well as it could. Husband was sa bit reserved but trying. I have a "type" so the two men had quite a bit in common. Last Saturday Partner was supposed to sleep over, in my office, but Husband was having a bad mental health day, so we canceled and I went to Partner's place. Today we are going to try again. Husband is being supportive this time. He is dipping his toes into the poly community and plans to go to a game night they are hosting tomorrow. I would go with him except someone has to watch the kiddo. I know some of the people who are going, and they are nice, mature, welcoming people. He sees I'm happier now, and it's translating to me being happier with him and in general. It's a good thing. He's a good guy. They both are. I'm very very lucky.
I am so happy to hear you all had a good dinner, and your husband is relaxing into the idea of polyam. I just purchased this set .. I believe it would help a lot... especially new to poly
 
Hi RosesAreRainbow,

Thanks for that update. I'm glad to hear that your husband is getting to be a little better, a little more relaxed, about your new partner. Hopefully that trend will continue.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
If the picture didn't come through, it is the book titled Polysecure and the workbook. I got it on Amazon
We recently switched to a new server and there seems to be trouble sharing links and pix. and we haven't gotten word from the admin about what is going on. Just so you know!
 
Hi RosesAreRainbow,

Thanks for the further update, I'm very glad that you all had a good time on Saturday night and Sunday morning.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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