GreenShock
New member
Hello, I'm Shaun! I'm 28 years old, male, bisexual/emotionally pansexual, and I consider myself to be mostly agender? I hope I'm not sounding like an idiot by using the wrong terminology. I know myself internally, but the last few weeks has been an adventure to define myself in words. I was born and raised as a man, but I strongly dislike the character traits that are associated with the American gender binary, I guess you could say? I mostly just want to be seen and accepted as a completely unique individual.
I met my fiance, Beth, in 2009 on OkCupid. We've had the most incredible 5 years of life together now. I don't want to come off as naive or idealistic, but before I met her I spent the majority of my life looking for her. I had been looking for a strictly monogamous relationship almost since childhood. I made a very thorough profile, answered many questions, and was extremely successful.
She is very pansexual. She's much more sexually open than I am. We both see sex as an important part of our relationship, but not the glue that holds it together. We both feel that life has so much more to offer and enjoy. It's important to us. It's just not the focus.
I've been through hell with her. We've been through the deaths of relatives, dismissal from college, financial debt, and serious medical concerns. We survived 2 years together of not having sex due to depression (from my family issues), without infidelity or surrender. We both felt that if we had sex outside of the relationship it would only worsen the situation. We've lived with her family for most of our time together mostly because we're saving to own a home with as little debt as possible, but also because we believe that families should live under the same roof. I'm close to her family. I work with her brother. I love them and they love me despite our human imperfections.
We have been engaged now, for nearly 4 years.
We firmly believe that communication is the foundation of any strong relationship. We lay everything out in the open. We both have studied psychology and sociology, so we've applied these concepts to our relationship. The last 5 years has been a training for us. We practice our relationship. It's what we see as love. The effort, the commitment. There's nothing magical about it. It's willingness to risk emotional pain, submit, give it a try, and self-sacrifice.
The reason I'm sharing all of this is because we feel that we have become very experienced with handling relationships.
We have come to a consensus between us that we would like to try dating again. There is nothing wrong between us. In fact, we've gotten so good at navigating each other that being together brings an overwhelming strength to us individually. We like the idea of expanding our love, irrespective of our sex lives.
Now that you know our circumstances, our two main concerns are:
1. Emotional connection and love
2. Cohabitation for economic benefit
We had thought that it would be less complicated to become friends with and date like-minded people as a couple and eventually find a third, rather than trying to balance four different people in a relationship right through the gates.
Here's where the meat of my concern really begins. I'm bisexual, yes, but mostly opposite sex. I have an aversion to body hair, and males tend to have hairy bodies. I'm not opposed to dating males, but I think the odds that we'll have physical chemistry are slim.
Now perhaps you can see my concern? I've been reading about this "Unicorn Hunters" label. I personally despise labels, but some aspects of this label have come to our attention.
We don't want to "hunt" anyone, or exploit our "couple privilege". This is not about my "male privilege". I don't see my fiance having sex with another female as less legitimate, or inferior to the idea of her having sex with another male. These ideas seem awfully inflammatory, and presumptive.
Nevertheless, I want to weed out any biases that may be lurking inside my inexperience with polyamory.
!. We would never date someone, male or female with a predilection for immediate exclusivity. Nor would we make the unrealistic demand of absolute equality of interest, or physical contact.
2. This has nothing to do with three-way sex or any other "pornography inspired" aspirations.
3. We are VERY careful about how quickly we escalate the seriousness of relationships. This is how people get hurt, something we desperately wish to avoid.
In fact we take all of our relationships very seriously. Even our friendships.
With these things in mind, is it wrong for Beth and I to remain committed and exclusive, date/befriend single people, and possibly pursue relationships with them under those circumstances? Or, is our commitment to each other, and exclusivity with each other, inherently unfair somehow?
One more question: Should we abandon this long term goal (of expanding our "love circle") for a simpler entrance to a polyamorous lifestyle, given that we are so inexperienced with it?
I met my fiance, Beth, in 2009 on OkCupid. We've had the most incredible 5 years of life together now. I don't want to come off as naive or idealistic, but before I met her I spent the majority of my life looking for her. I had been looking for a strictly monogamous relationship almost since childhood. I made a very thorough profile, answered many questions, and was extremely successful.
She is very pansexual. She's much more sexually open than I am. We both see sex as an important part of our relationship, but not the glue that holds it together. We both feel that life has so much more to offer and enjoy. It's important to us. It's just not the focus.
I've been through hell with her. We've been through the deaths of relatives, dismissal from college, financial debt, and serious medical concerns. We survived 2 years together of not having sex due to depression (from my family issues), without infidelity or surrender. We both felt that if we had sex outside of the relationship it would only worsen the situation. We've lived with her family for most of our time together mostly because we're saving to own a home with as little debt as possible, but also because we believe that families should live under the same roof. I'm close to her family. I work with her brother. I love them and they love me despite our human imperfections.
We have been engaged now, for nearly 4 years.
We firmly believe that communication is the foundation of any strong relationship. We lay everything out in the open. We both have studied psychology and sociology, so we've applied these concepts to our relationship. The last 5 years has been a training for us. We practice our relationship. It's what we see as love. The effort, the commitment. There's nothing magical about it. It's willingness to risk emotional pain, submit, give it a try, and self-sacrifice.
The reason I'm sharing all of this is because we feel that we have become very experienced with handling relationships.
We have come to a consensus between us that we would like to try dating again. There is nothing wrong between us. In fact, we've gotten so good at navigating each other that being together brings an overwhelming strength to us individually. We like the idea of expanding our love, irrespective of our sex lives.
Now that you know our circumstances, our two main concerns are:
1. Emotional connection and love
2. Cohabitation for economic benefit
We had thought that it would be less complicated to become friends with and date like-minded people as a couple and eventually find a third, rather than trying to balance four different people in a relationship right through the gates.
Here's where the meat of my concern really begins. I'm bisexual, yes, but mostly opposite sex. I have an aversion to body hair, and males tend to have hairy bodies. I'm not opposed to dating males, but I think the odds that we'll have physical chemistry are slim.
Now perhaps you can see my concern? I've been reading about this "Unicorn Hunters" label. I personally despise labels, but some aspects of this label have come to our attention.
We don't want to "hunt" anyone, or exploit our "couple privilege". This is not about my "male privilege". I don't see my fiance having sex with another female as less legitimate, or inferior to the idea of her having sex with another male. These ideas seem awfully inflammatory, and presumptive.
Nevertheless, I want to weed out any biases that may be lurking inside my inexperience with polyamory.
!. We would never date someone, male or female with a predilection for immediate exclusivity. Nor would we make the unrealistic demand of absolute equality of interest, or physical contact.
2. This has nothing to do with three-way sex or any other "pornography inspired" aspirations.
3. We are VERY careful about how quickly we escalate the seriousness of relationships. This is how people get hurt, something we desperately wish to avoid.
In fact we take all of our relationships very seriously. Even our friendships.
With these things in mind, is it wrong for Beth and I to remain committed and exclusive, date/befriend single people, and possibly pursue relationships with them under those circumstances? Or, is our commitment to each other, and exclusivity with each other, inherently unfair somehow?
One more question: Should we abandon this long term goal (of expanding our "love circle") for a simpler entrance to a polyamorous lifestyle, given that we are so inexperienced with it?
