Crazy Communication

[realamore]

I am stepping into the waters of community.
Hello

I am a newbie to the acceptance of the Poly lifestyle, although I am married and have had a year old relationship that is solid in communication and a Primary six month new relationship. I never really defined myself poly but after a year of listening to my Savage love cast and realizing....hey when are you going to admit..your poly. Here I am. Up until the last six months I have been driving my boat without a clue how to ride the waves, never realizing there were resources I needed to be using to make life more joyful and fulfilling for ALL!!

Love is crazy but is so much easier when you have a support system!! But Communication can be crazy too and a difficult sea to swim. I am a big communicator and extremely open yet cautious about hurting feelings so skills are a must to learn! That's why I decided its time to jump in the community!

If you read my introduction most of the background is there. Right now Im dealing with some communication issues with my primary. Our relationships is young but yes has been intense. We have both agreed to long term relationship development. We are so like minded in everything...except communication. lol. I picked up on a comment from him in a previous face to face relationship discussion, that indicated this is his longest and most series relationship he has had, and yet he has been open many more years than I.

My secondary relationship has been long term but constant communication but is also long distance. Only seeing each other twice a year. My Primary and I make dedicated effort to be with each other at least every two weeks if not three but find our time so limited once we have had our shopping sprees or art trips and our lovemaking, questions and concerns are left hanging like a bad hangover.

Then we have to hash them out through email or text or chat and with his communication skills, sometimes that is long and drawn out. I just recently had a breakthrough with him because I just finally put the issue plain jane out on the table. I sometimes feel he just doesn't get it unless its plain and simple.

What has been going on is, I noticed a pattern on Fridays, no text, no call, not even email. Then evening would come and one loving goodnight text efen if I had sent a text asking whats up. The next morning was filled with either a loving call or amorous texting and summary of the evening with friends or a date. Making me feel left out of the whole what is his life about experience!

I have a friend who is poly as well and he thought maybe since our relationship is so young and he is a very sensitive person, he might have thought it would hurt me to know he was out having fun, and yet I thought I had communicated in words AND actions, over and over again, my need for compersion and inclusion. I would be pleased at his Friday night going out if he would at least share with me what he would be doing.

So I had the discussion last night, avoiding the I need you to do or the I require this..because I am not a rules person...I did do the I feel this... and it worked. He did not realize what he had been doing, thinking my life is so busy, which it is, that I wouldn't want to be bothered with his goings on.

With me putting it out cold on the table straight, I finally received validation of my feelings and I think the ship has been corrected. I am pleased at our discussion for the time being. He is not a very good phone talker at all. I have a big issue with him SOMETIMES being vague in text but he usually is loving and fun but his emails are always one liner emails compared to my, here's what I did today emails by me but felt this other communication issue, if addressed, might help correct the ship.

We do chat intensely at least .once a week if more and I suppose he assumes we will tell each other of our lives and issues then but daily interaction is something I need if just a little which I thought I had communicated that but Nevertheless, its been put out there again. We shall see in time.

Is this right to ask that if we are creating a long term relationship that intimacy is sharing daily life issues or just simple going ons? Is this to demanding or needy of me? I adore his date choices and am thrilled even though he says he is lonely for me, he does have fun. I just want to know that!!! I didn't think I was a needy person but more giving than anything but maybe I am.

As for now, I feel pretty great that I just finally took the step of laying out the issue straight on the table, with the object of how I felt about the situation. He may just be that kind of guy who, just doesn't get it unless its written on the wall.

 

[Bluebird]

I think it depends, person by person, what constitutes too much contact. Some need daily check-ins, others are fine with once a week. I personally have a lot of desire to know how my partners are doing - not to keep tabs on them, just because I feel it builds intimacy. I am up front about this when dating. If someone's communication style is going to cause me anxiety, then we are not compatible.

If you've already let this person know that you need more contact, but it isn't forthcoming, you need to adjust your expectations or break up.

 

[realamore]

Bluebird

Your tid bits help alot with awareness, I need to distinguish the differance in intamacy rather than tabs, which is dutifully noted. Good point. A solid open relationship takes skill which we are both inexperoenced at, so honestly just throwing in the towel dosent seem a productive thing for growth or the idea of loving and caring for each other so much, he expresses alot of thoughts at missing me or hes afraid im lonely so avoidance maybe his motivation, but dont think it hasant crossed my mind to throw in the towel! I caught myself saying the other day, this takes effort and hard work and if this isint a productive learning curve then im outta here.

Relationship takes give and take. My longterm and my husband both have been a bit demanding on me to daily touch base and yet I willingly have given into the idea of communicating daily and it maybe why Im thrown at the downsize in communication volume with my Primary, but on reflection our love has grown and strengthened even with these issues, so quality communication must be happening somewhere?? As you point out grlie, it maybe my expectations needvto change although im even disappointed in that idea, i try to live with little expectation in all aspects of life and I guess im kidding myself.

Thanks for the imput

 

[GalaGirl]

With me putting it out cold on the table straight, I finally received validation of my feelings and I think the ship has been corrected.

Good for you!

If learning to speak more clearly and assertively work, you could do that more often with him. FWIW? It sounds like both of you had both been a bit submissive in communication style... still sniffing each other out since it is a young relationship.

http://www.clairenewton.co.za/my-articles/the-five-communication-styles.html

If over time you find you have to keep doing this though, and are "carrying him" in the relationship? Could let him go.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hi realamore,

Re (from OP):

"Is this right to ask that if we are creating a long-term relationship that intimacy is sharing daily life issues or just simple goings-on?"

It's neither right nor wrong. It just is. It's something you need. You need a daily "sharing time." As long as that's compatible with what your not-as-communicative primary can do, then you should be able to iron the wrinkles out of that issue.

In any case, I think you have the right idea when you just lay it on the table so he could see exactly what you want. Expressing yourself clearly, simply, and specifically is almost always the way to go, and that especially seems to be true with your not-as-communicative primary. He's probably no good at reading between the lines.

I wouldn't throw in the towel at all this early in the game. This relationship looks promising to me and while it's not perfect, no relationship is perfect and that's okay. Just keep working on your communication styles and you'll get there.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[realamore]

validation

Thanks For the validation Kevin

He has lovingly absorbed that as well and stepped up. Holidays are ahead and calendars are heating up im afraid. Our pencils are all getting sharpened and ready for scheduling. But yes this relationship is so worth it and has helped enrich my others. My secondary and I have actually strengthen from it as well as my husband and our ommunication skills. Thank you for all the opinions.

Peace