Crush on metamour

P

Photonsun

New member
Actually my long term partner and husband (Dema) has developed a crush on my other partner (Gill, who I have been with for nearly a year). After some reflection, Gill stated she was not ready to explore that at the moment. Both keep on friendly terms. Gill sometimes comes to our house for a quick visit, or stays for dinner.

However, Dema is having a hard time with what he feels is rejection, to the point of dreading me going on dates with Gill. While he does love it when she comes over, he is having a hard time when I go out with her. (Because of that, I’m not even planning any overnights at the moment!) He is moody and withdrawn the day(s) prior the date, and also after, for about 5 days.

The whole “going on a date” is like an ordeal. He’s withdrawn, feels rejected by Gill. He’s a little bit envious about our relationship since he’s still got a crush and feels like he’s missing out. I try to keep positive energy in the house, make plans with him, check with his feelings… but I wonder if I should be doing something different? Or should I just trust he’s going through the process and be patient?
 
He’s not been successful with dating so far. He’s on dating sites but not been beyond a match, if he can even get a match. He’s going out a bit more often but this is a really slow process.
No doubt it’s tough to see the wife with a second relationship building nicely and not having any chance with dating.
There’s a whole mindset issue there on his side and I can make suggestions to a certain extent and support his choices but it’s otherwise out of my control.
 
Photonsun said:
My long term partner and husband (Dema) has developed a crush on my other partner (Gill, who I have been with for nearly a year). After some reflection, Gill stated she was not ready to explore that at the moment. Both keep on friendly terms. Gill sometimes comes to our house for a quick visit, or stays for dinner.
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I am a woman who has a female nesting partner. I have experienced some of my male partners (over the years, there have been a few) getting crushes on Pixi. Heck, I've had guys on OK Cupid, with whom I was just starting to talk, ask if they could have sex with both of us, before they even met me, much less met her! We are NOT a package deal. Sheesh. We are not props in your threesome fantasy, thank you very much.
Photonsun said:
However, Dema is having a hard time with what he feels is rejection, to the point of dreading me going on dates with Gill. While he does love it when she comes over, he is having a hard time when I go out with her. Because of that I’m not even planning any overnights at the moment! He is moody and withdrawn the day(s) prior to the date and after, for about 5 days.
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That's his problem to deal with. Just because you have an OSO does not mean you want to share, or that SHE wants to share herself with him! Why on earth would he think he has that right?
Photonsun said:
The whole “going on a date” is like an ordeal. He’s withdrawn, feels rejected by Gill. He’s a little bit envious about our relationship since he’s still got a crush and feels like he’s missing out.
Click to expand...
Missing out on what? He doesn't get to play with just any woman he wants. That sounds messed up.

You go on your dates and let the boy sulk in the corner.

As for Pixi and me, we used to be a lot more kitchen table poly, but we have limited her contact with my bfs in recent years to prevent this kind of crush thing getting out of hand. It's kinda sad we've had to resort to that. Maybe Gill should come to the house you share with Dema less, at least for a while, until Dema gets his head together.
Photonsun said:
I try to keep a positive energy in the house, make plans with him, check with his feelings… but I wonder if I should be doing something different? Or should I just trust he’s going through the process and be patient?
Click to expand...
Yes, let him go through his process. Are you both new to polyamory? He doesn't seem to understand how it works. I'd recommend he read this book: Opening Up, for more information about how poly works and what he can do to get his own darn partner(s).
 
Oh, let me add that I will admit to getting a crush on one or two of Pixi's male partners (sure, they were/are handsome, nice, sexy guys) but I kept it in check and I certainly did not have the effrontery to imagine I was owed dates with her partners! I just worked on my compersion for Pixi and was happy for her/them.
 
When my husband started looking for dates it took him a year to find someone to date…once he was established with her, the “desperation” was gone then he got super honest and owned being ENM on his profile and in conversations. The energy was very different. Women know if you aren’t confident about what you are saying and they run. Only then did he start getting women to even talk to him. He regularly gets 2-3 new dates per month Without any of the issues he had the first year.

as for you accommodating his feelings of rejection, you cannot make him unfeel rejection from others. He needs to work on that himself. This relationship is not new and he cannot expect you to reject her because she rejected him. He has some emotional growth to do. This also might be playing into why he’s not getting dates. Women are attracted to men who know who they are and are confident about it. Insecurity in poly is a nightmare I avoid. People need to know that you cannot be attracted to everyone, and it’s not about them. I’ve probably been on 50 dates in the last year and not one captured me enough to want a 2nd date. There was nothing wrong with them, just zero chemistry between us.
 
Hi Photonsun,

Just curious, do you have regular (frequent) date nights with Dema? not that that would fix the problems, but it might help. To a considerable extent, it seems to me that this is a Dema problem, and something that he needs to figure out for himself. Okay, he has a crush on Gill, but he is not entitled to Gill returning the feelings. And it sounds to me like he is feeling entitled. That's a Dema problem. He needs to figure that out for himself.

My suggestion would be to keep dating Gill. It is not your responsibility to fix Dema's unreasonable expectations. Let him work on that.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Magdlyn said:
I am a woman who has a female nesting partner. I have experienced some of my male partners (over the years, there have been a few) getting crushes on Pixi. Heck, I've had guys on OK Cupid, with whom I was just starting to talk, ask if they could have sex with both of us, before they even met me, much less met her! We are NOT a package deal. Sheesh. We are not props in your threesome fantasy, thank you very much.
Click to expand...
The behavior of some people behind the safety of a screen is appalling, what a lack of respect!
Magdlyn said:
That's his problem to deal with. Just because you have an OSO does not mean you want to share, or that SHE wants to share herself with him! Why on earth would he think he has that right?

Missing out on what? He doesn't get to play with just any woman he wants. That sounds messed up.

You go on your dates and let the boy sulk in the corner.
Click to expand...
Yes, while I think his thinking was maybe not that extreme, it felt like he was entitled. I also think that he is enamored with the novelty of the situation, jumping in straight into thinking all kinds of things. And clearly the fantasy of the throuple.
Oh indeed, I have no intention to change my dates. I do respect his feelings but his behavior is very much the one of a little boy. Gill has the right not to be interested. It sucks to be the recipient of that boyish attitude.
Magdlyn said:
As for Pixi and me, we used to be a lot more kitchen table poly, but we have limited her contact with my bfs in recent years to prevent this kind of crush thing getting out of hand. It's kinda sad we've had to resort to that. Maybe Gill should come to the house you share with Dema less, at least for a while, until Dema gets his head together.

Yes, let him go through his process. Are you both new to polyamory? He doesn't seem to understand how it works. I'd recommend he read this book: Opening Up, for more information about how poly works and what he can do to get his own darn partner(s).
Click to expand...
We are new to polyamory, started discussing it two years ago before diving in, but I've always been the one leading it so to speak, leading the discussions, referencing books, etc. It's important Dema starts to live his own experience of polyamory for himself and not through me.
I think it's a good idea to have Gill come over less often for a while, but will keep regular dates. Your experience with less ktp is useful to know, I'll keep that in mind. Thanks for suggesting this book :)
 
Bobbi said:
When my husband started looking for dates it took him a year to find someone to date…once he was established with her, the “desperation” was gone then he got super honest and owned being ENM on his profile and in conversations. The energy was very different. Women know if you aren’t confident about what you are saying and they run. Only then did he start getting women to even talk to him. He regularly gets 2-3 new dates per month Without any of the issues he had the first year.
Click to expand...
thanks that's very true. Dema is certainly feeling not confident, hasn't been dating for many years and had expectations that it would be easier than that.
Bobbi said:
as for you accommodating his feelings of rejection, you cannot make him unfeel rejection from others. He needs to work on that himself. This relationship is not new and he cannot expect you to reject her because she rejected him. He has some emotional growth to do. This also might be playing into why he’s not getting dates. Women are attracted to men who know who they are and are confident about it. Insecurity in poly is a nightmare I avoid. People need to know that you cannot be attracted to everyone, and it’s not about them. I’ve probably been on 50 dates in the last year and not one captured me enough to want a 2nd date. There was nothing wrong with them, just zero chemistry between us.
Click to expand...
I also think that when he shifts his mindset, the energy will be different.
Can't imagine me rejecting Gill over his rejection. As you said, this is not a new relationship!
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi Photonsun,

Just curious, do you have regular (frequent) date nights with Dema? not that that would fix the problems, but it might help. To a considerable extent, it seems to me that this is a Dema problem, and something that he needs to figure out for himself. Okay, he has a crush on Gill, but he is not entitled to Gill returning the feelings. And it sounds to me like he is feeling entitled. That's a Dema problem. He needs to figure that out for himself.

My suggestion would be to keep dating Gill. It is not your responsibility to fix Dema's unreasonable expectations. Let him work on that.

Regards,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...
Good point Kevin, Dema and I have our family and have been together for a while, we forget having date nights! It is not the solution to the issue but it will help us reconnect on a regular basis and that is important.
Thanks for the suggestion, being in the middle I have to trust my own judgement but it helps to have an external feedback.
 
Glad I could be of help.
 
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