What are married poly women looking for?

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

https://polyamory.com/threads/husband-feeling-left-out.155273/#post-489342

Partly instigated by this thread but I've pondered this before. Logically speaking, in the heterosexual world, for every poly married man who is "having it tough", he has a poly wife who is "having it easy".

I'm assuming the partner of the OP of the linked thread is married, so who is his wife dating (I'm not suggesting a quad, bear with me!)? Is she dating other women? Is this a case of the OPP backfiring on cis poly men as a whole?

Are married poly men much less attractive to married poly men than the other way around? Is marriage more of an obstacle for what a married poly woman wants from people who aren't her spouse?

You'd think that married poly people would be pretty good matches for each other. Someone in a similar situation who "gets" how you have to prioritize your life. Married het poly women seem to find these guys all the time. So why is there a shortage of female equivalents?

Maybe these married poly women aren't actually dating married poly men at all. Maybe they're dating unattached men who don't want the escalator and there are just fewer women who don't want that.

I don't know. It doesn't make sense to me.

 

[kdt26417]

I think men as a gender are not trusted. A "supposedly" poly man looking for a date with his wife's approval is assumed to actually be going behind his wife's back to "get some action," and once he puts his next notch on the bedpost he will dump the new woman, leaving her with an STD.

A lot of men are indeed like that, women tend to get a lot more hits from men, than men with women, because more men are out there looking than women. Women can afford to be picky. They have to be picky. It's the only way to filter out the scumbags, or so it seems.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

A "supposedly" poly man looking for a date with his wife's approval is assumed to actually be going behind his wife's back to "get some action," and once he puts his next notch on the bedpost he will dump the new woman, leaving her with an STD.

I think that assumption is based in our beliefs about men and their motivations and desires than reality. Most married poly men I meet aren't cheating. They might be in a situation that errs towards poly under duress. I don't think that such men usually have STDS though.

Are the women being picky though? Or do they just have more options because married poly men are willing to date them? Are married poly women less likely to be interested in a man that is already married?

 

[Magdlyn]

I'm not married but I've been in a relationship for 14 years, living together for 8, so I might as well be married. I've needed to date so many men to find a decent one. If I was married to a guy, he might've been envious of all the times I've been hit on, and all the good sex I've had. But I've never had a relationship last more than 2 1/2 years. Every guy I've dated has fizzled out on me for one reason or another. I guess it's about 50/50 who's broken up with whom.

My nesting partner is a woman and it took her about 5 years since she and I first met to find herself a really good long term bf.

My current bf is extremely crazy about me, and he really seems like he's going to be around forever. I apparently check all his boxes, so, fingers crossed!

Anyway, what do I want in a man? Would I chose a married poly guy or a single one? I have to say, I can relate to what Kevin said about men, although I've never caught an STD because I am EXTREMELY careful to practice safer sex lol

I've dated so many single guys, who, while charming, fun, nice looking, adorable, good in bed, etc., seem to have had psychological problems that have led to them being unable to sustain a good long-term relationship. On the other hand, I've dated married or partnered guys who had difficult spouses (not really onboard with proper poly), or lots of kids who took up tons of time. I've dated older men who were intimidated by my feminist freedom. I've dated liars who said they wanted a real relationship only to ghost after one or two dates. I've dated more than one guy who swore they were poly and didn't want kids, only to leave me to hook up with single moms!

What do I want? A nice, interesting, smart, literate, kinda nerdy, virile, reasonably fit, funny, decent looking, loyal, sweet caring guy, who is good at texting in between dates, can be counted on to support me with my troubles, who will help me lift heavy things, who will accept my help as well, who will wash his clothes and take showers. My current bf is newly poly, although in the time we've been together he has not been lucky enough to find another person to date long term. He's made friends, he chats with people, but hasn't found anyone just right yet. He's younger than me, not super motivated to get married and have kids with anyone. Basically, he's just what I want (and shall I say, need).

 

[playfulgirl]

Also not married, but Real and I have been together for 10 years, and Lady and I talk alot about her dating struggles.
For me, I would say most men on dating sites etc are there primarily for a little connection and a lot of sex, so it's much easier for women to get the initial date. More initial dates, leads to more opportunity to find someone with whom you have a connection. I also find more straight men to be on the lookout for someone if I am on a mainstream dating app or if I'm out at a bar or gaming establishment.

In general, I wouldn't go near the poly situation described in this post. I have zero patience for being someone's first relationship as a couple trying out poly. It's an immediate red flag for me. I don't want the emotional drama.

My experiences in dating have been most successful with single people aged 35-60 who aren't interested in a relationship escalator and married folx in working marriages who want more of a friend with benefits arrangement. If that blossoms into something more, fantastic! I look for somebody who enjoys similar pursuits to me, is funny and compassionate, fit enough for activities like hiking, smart enough to play a strategic board game or compete in pub trivia. However, I already have people, so I'm open and upfront that while my emotional capacity for love is infinite my time and energy are not. I look for people who have found their rhythm for how poly works for them.
Lady's experiences are different from mine. She looks for a D/s dynamic, so she often has struggled to find a fit with those dynamics that respects our poly relationship. Many a single man she's dated did not work out because they either thought that she would divorce Real and become monogamous with them because they provided a types of sex Real doesn't, or they wanted to have their D/s dynamic extend to times when Lady was with us. So, she now looks for already married poly men who understand scheduling and relationship to be the best fit for her. This often means many a date is cancelled/postponed for weeks in order to manage scheduling between two separate poly families calendars.

 

[Evie]

Personally, married poly men are a good start because they already get it. But mostly, I'm looking for people I connect with, like it's been planned by the universe before I even meet them. A soulmate if you will, since I wholeheartedly believe we have many soulmates, so I keep being open to meeting more of mine.

 

[dingedheart]

In my experience they are looking for escape. AND maybe something substantially different from their nesting relationship.

 

[AlwaysGrowing]

As a married poly person... I'm looking for someone whose personality meshes with mine and whose schedule can work with mine. Most married poly men don't fit that BECAUSE... schedules fucking suck.

I've also had my share of experiences with wives/cohabiting partners ending up having a major issue with an outside relationship becoming actually important and not just a fling. So that's a thing. Anyone who is already in a committed relationship has to be able to be a good hinge, which is a tough skill for many. I have found that dating more RA folks, people not looking for the escalator, solo poly, etc tends to be the least stressful. Boy has no desire for the traditional escalator, although he would like to live together eventually.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

So it seems like people have found the existing commitments that partnered men have (as well as existing problems in those relationships) as a downside to dating partnered men. I'd concur from my own experiences.

So this is handy to communicate to people who report that a man has much less success than his female partner. It's often something about how his existing commitments clash with the needs of his dating pool. Or at least appear to.

If he and/or his partner are invested in "solving" the problem, it might be a good idea to think about if this is relevant.
.

 

[Photonsun]

But can't the same be said about a partnered woman? She also has existing commitments and potential clash of schedule. I don't see how a partnered man is different.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

But can't the same be said about a partnered woman? She also has existing commitments and potential clash of schedule. I don't see how a partnered man is different.

Or the people partnered women date don't feel any limitations are an obstacle. It doesn't matter that they don't want kids or a traditional relationship escalator.

So basically it could be that these other people generally want less from these partnered women. That's why more people are open to dating them. It could be that people who date men want things from them that they can't get when those men are partnered. It could be as simple as the average woman needs to see her partner more than the average partnered man can offer.

 

[dingedheart]

So it seems like people have found the existing commitments that partnered men have (as well as existing problems in those relationships) as a downside to dating partnered men. I'd concur from my own experiences.

I’ve also some poly partnered women dont like dating men or women who are novice. Then don’t want to be teachers/ mentor/ therapists to rookies. So that chops of a chunk of availability pool.

So this is handy to communicate to people who report that a man has much less success than his female partner.
It's often something about how his existing commitments clash with the needs of his dating pool. Or at least appear to.

It’s just a stone cold fact that a women raising her hand as poly will have unlimited opportunity and some of this is gender driven. IN the poly dating pool for partnered poly women a partnered poly man has to compete with other poly men, single men, bi poly women , bi single women. CONVERSELY the dating pool for a partnered poly man is very limited single / divorced market and the above mentioned poly women dating pool. And women in general tend to be pickier. BEING 2 timed is a bad thing in the singles market they want to be a top priority and not just recreational sport fuck. Which is sort of the opposite of what partnered poly women want …they got marriage locked down so sport fuck and excitement is at the top of their lists. By and large Single guys are more than happy to Give poly a try or at least test drive the sex before backing out.

If he and/or his partner are invested in "solving" the problem, it might be a good idea to think about if this is relevant.
.

I think everything is relevant. It’s like gravity is a fact. The oceans are salty. Poly women have a 10 or 20 to 1 advantage.

 

[Evie]

"unlimited opportunity"

I've been turned down sooo often because the guy can't deal with me already having a husband let alone an LDR too. I've had a guy who made it quite clear he would rather cheat and made it explicit he didn't want my husband knowing if I started dating him. I've had divorced guys turn me down because they are looking for their next nesting partner and poly didn't fit with that. And I've turned down single guys who think I'm going to be dtf on the first date because they think poly=promiscuous. I don't count that last scenario as an opportunity, more as a jerk who didn't like hearing no. I'll just sidestep the S.A. tyvm.

The opportunities to make meaningful connections, even just at fwb level is scarce because to to so many (single) men just don't *get* polyamory or even enm. Gimme a partnered poly guy any day, so long as if there is an existing partner, she's not going to be a drama queen.

IN the poly dating pool for partnered poly women a partnered poly man has to compete with other poly men, single men, bi poly women , bi single women. CONVERSELY the dating pool for a partnered poly man is very limited single / divorced market and the above mentioned poly women dating pool.

Seems like you're omitting bi men here. Sure, less common, but not to be ignored.

Which is sort of the opposite of what partnered poly women want …they got marriage locked down so sport fuck and excitement is at the top of their lists.

I feel like I'm missing something cultural here perhaps. This is the antithesis of what my married poly female friends want, but then, I'm from NZ. We tend to do our do our "sport fucking" before later in life marriages.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

I've been turned down sooo often because the guy can't deal with me already having a husband let alone an LDR too. I've had a guy who made it quite clear he would rather cheat and made it explicit he didn't want my husband knowing if I started dating him. I've had divorced guys turn me down because they are looking for their next nesting partner and poly didn't fit with that.

Yes I'd say this is common among partnered poly women. We discuss it here and other places.

Still we all seem to admit that overall, it is harder for poly men. We have far more people report that there is an imbalance in the woman's favour than the man's. Both the men and their female partners report this.

It could also be that when women do experience the imbalance, they rationalize it as inevitable and don't present it as the problem that men do. It could also be that men don't feel the need to "help" those partners whether they present it as a problem, or not. It could be a mix of the two.

If it is true that the men are able to see it as the woman's problem, maybe women should follow suit.

 

[Magdlyn]

Some poly partnered women don't like dating men or women who are novices. Then don’t want to be teachers/mentors/therapists to rookies. So that chops off a chunk of the availability pool.

Some poly partnered men also don't like dating men or women who are novices. Next.

It’s just a stone cold fact that a women raising her hand as poly will have unlimited opportunity, and some of this is gender driven.

She will probably get lots of horny guys wanting a quick NSA fuck. She is no more likely to find a long-term respectful relationship than is a man.

In the poly dating pool a partnered poly man has to compete with other poly men, single men, bi poly women , bi single women. Conversely, the dating pool for a partnered poly man is very limited: the single/divorced market and the above-mentioned poly women dating pool.

No, in the poly dating pool, a partnered poly woman also has to compete with other poly women, single straight mono women, single bi poly women and and bisexual, pansexual and gay men. Poly men are not just straight; many are bi or pansexual. Why assume all partnered/married poly men are straight?

As a poly partnered woman myself, my competition has been all of the above.

And women in general tend to be pickier.

Yes, because we are more likely to be raped or murdered.

Being 2-timed is a bad thing in the singles market. Singles want to be a top priority and not just a recreational sport fuck, which is sort of the opposite of what partnered poly women want. They've got marriage locked down, so sport fuck and excitement is at the top of their lists.

Nope. Sport fucks have NEVER been at the top of my list. As a polyamorous person, a real long-term relationship (or two) has always been at the top of my list. I'm poly, I want love! I think mono married men (and women) in stale sexless marriages wish they could have NSA sport sex with unlimited partners. This is, of course, a fantasy, since they are married and mono so would need to cheat, and they'd probably fail at getting ALL the NSA sex they want anyway.

By and large, single guys are more than happy to give poly a try, or at least test drive the sex before backing out.

They will go for the sex, no matter what. They have no idea what polyamory is, usually. They are just horny. That's why poly women get hit on so much. The average Joe just thinks we're easy.

Even after I have broken up with guys who didn't understand polyamory, more than one has asked me, "Can't we have one last bang?"

I think everything is relevant. It’s like gravity is a fact. The oceans are salty. Poly women have a 10 or 20 to 1 advantage.

Only for sex. Not for love or long-lasting proper relationships.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Some poly partnered men also don't like dating men or women who are novices. Next.

She is no more likely to find a long-term respectful relationship than is a man.

If we go by what issues people present in places like this, this doesn't seem to be quite true. It does seem as if partnered poly women overall find it easier to secure other long term relationships than their male counterparts. They just deal with the guys you speak of as well.

 

[dingedheart]

Some poly partnered men also don't like dating men or women who are novices. Next.

yes but the title of the thread was asking the question regarding poly partnered women.

She will probably get lots of horny guys wanting a quick NSA fuck. She is no more likely to find a long-term respectful relationship than is a man.

YES …OPPORTUNITY doesn’t mean success. You’re going to have to kiss or blow a lot of frog to find your keeper.

No, in the poly dating pool, a partnered poly woman also has to compete with other poly women, single straight mono women, single bi poly women and and bisexual, pansexual and gay men. Poly men are not just straight; many are bi or pansexual. Why assume all partnered/married poly men are straight?

i didn’t assume that. I just didn’t think it would have a huge statistical impact It would be more of a one off thing i don’t see it as direct competition. If you do and that’s your experience thanks for sharing.

As a poly partnered woman myself, my competition has been all of the above.

and that’s whats made you the shining poly partner you are good competition makes you better

Yes, because we are more likely to be raped or murdered.

Im pretty sure there’s some evolutionary biology programed in too.…but ok.

Nope. Sport fucks have NEVER been at the top of my list. As a polyamorous person, a real long-term relationship (or two) has always been at the top of my list. I'm poly, I want love! I think mono married men (and women) in stale sexless marriages wish they could have NSA sport sex with unlimited partners. This is, of course, a fantasy, since they are married and mono so would need to cheat, and they'd probably fail at getting ALL the NSA sex they want anyway.

ok so when you were married and open your marriage you wanted love ? You weren’t getting love or werent feeling enough love from you husband at the time ??? Are we talking the NRE experience ? You weren’t trying to escape from the role of wife and mother once or twice a week And just be someone’s delicious lover During those blocks of time ?

They will go for the sex, no matter what. They have no idea what polyamory is, usually. They are just horny. That's why poly women get hit on so much. The average Joe just thinks we're easy.

yeah …NO kidding …hence the phrase unlimited opportunity.

Even after I have broken up with guys who didn't understand polyamory, more than one has asked me, "Can't we have one last bang?"

hey I had a women ask for the same thing. Unlike you I said ….sure why not

Only for sex. Not for love or long-lasting proper relationships.

I’m pretty sure you’ve lectured on here that sex leads to bonding. That those believing keeping a relationship “ just “ sexual are just self delusional Long term it won’t work. In the above mentioned scenario at least women are Given the chance to test that theory. You got a foot or boob in the door. Partnered men that door is closed.

DONT GET ME WRONG i don’t think we should feel sorry for anyone or any group who wants to play in this space you just need to buck up and face facts.

 

[ref2018]

ok so when you were married and open your marriage you wanted love ? You weren’t getting love or werent feeling enough love from you husband at the time ??? Are we talking the NRE experience ? You weren’t trying to escape from the role of wife and mother once or twice a week And just be someone’s delicious lover During those blocks of time ?

How long have you been a member of this forum? Have you *ever* read any of Mags' posts before?

 

[dingedheart]

How long have you been a member of this forum?

I think 2 or 3 yrs less than her. So awhile.

Have you *ever* read any of Mags' posts before?

yes …just a few.
Why was it wrong to ask what her and her husbands motivations or mindset would have been upon starting out ? I thought the topic was sort of confined in the space of why poly partnered women aren’t just jumping at the chance to date poly partnered men. And it also seem like the delta is largest starting out. And thus maybe motivations for these newbies is relevant.

 

[Evie]

ok so when you were married and open your marriage you wanted love ? You weren’t getting love or weren't feeling enough love from you husband at the time ???

When Adam and I did the work to reopen our marriage, it was because I wanted to be able to have loving connections and have these be able to be expressed without mono-normative limits. But it certainly wasn't because I wasn't getting/feeling enough love from him. We did and do love each other very much. We were also still very sexual when we opened up, so it wasn't because of any lack of sex.

I especially wanted to be able to reconnect with my friends from before we moved to the South Island. Adam already knew that if I considered a guy a friend, I had a loving relationship with them that was more emotional than with my girl friends. And that there was very likely a physical component to that friendship, too. I'd told him that when we were getting to know each other. He even had a chuckle at our wedding breakfast when I was sat at a table with a bunch of my guy mates, chatting and laughing, and he knew full well that I'd had ongoing loving friendships and sexual relationships with all of them.

You may ask why I ended up marrying Adam since I could have just enjoyed the same type of loving friendship with him. That's probably something only we can actually understand since neither of us was looking for such a relationship when we met. But here we are.

I still wanted the ability to love my existing friends, and discover new loving connections of varied depths, without the restrictions of a monogamous marriage or expectations of serial monogamy. It wasn't to be able to screw around, but to be able to re-engage with, form, and nurture the kind of loving relationships that I naturally am inclined to.

Since we opened up, I've farewelled old friends (Tech and Trask both passed) made new (loving) friends such as Mike and Lance (both very different styles of connection), had a connection that just couldn't settle into one thing or another and had to be released (Golf), had a relationship that ended for reasons in that relationship, and eventually I met Puck. First online, and finally, post pandemic, in person.

I'm still very open to meeting more people I might develop loving connections with although I clearly have an abundance of love in my life.