Curious about ending relationships..

[OliverOwl]

A really similar situation almost ended my partner and I. And I'm actually on the other side of what a lot of people here are describing.

I was the primary partner and almost ended my relationship because of my metamour. Though I can say that I never gave an ultimatum. I was severely unhappy with my partner's choice of partner and it was seriously affecting my ability to trust him because I didn't trust HER. (and I call bullshit on the people who say "just trust your partner and things will be fine"). He was manipulative, disrespectful, and would try to make me feel like I was being a bad girlfriend because I wasn't 100% okay with her.

My partner and I didn't break up (though we seriously came close) largely because he realized on his own that he couldn't give her what she was asking. She wanted to be a "primary" partner, which was something he did not want. They're trying to work things out more casually now.

 

[bookbug]

Depends. I was involved with a couple - the wife's urging. However, after the husband and I had fully bought in, falling head over heels, she did a complete 180, screaming about how he had betrayed her by loving me. She tried continually to force him to choose. He refused. However, as the situation became increasingly untenable, I began to consider leaving in spite of his protests, and then she finally got the guts to do her own dirty work and asked me to leave.

I think my presence exposed major flaws in their relationship that had been unrecognized. A year after I left, they separated and are in the process of divorce. He and are in the process of rebuilding very slowly. Tough. He has had much grief over the loss - he'd hoped to repair the marriage, but she would never own her behavior. Additionally, rather than recognize her own responsibility in the demise of their marriage, she told the children it was my fault - that he'd left her for me. (Funny that, as they've been separated a year and he and I live in different towns, each with our own lives at this point. Hardly a case of moving into my house from hers.)

I think we will eventually get there, but it's been a hard road.

 

[NorthCoastLady]

Interesting. I just got out of a situation where I was the "lost love from the past". There were other major issues for it's ending, but one of the main ones was my boyfriend's wife and her insecurities. To be fair, though, I can't say I blame her.

I'm married, so technically I'm not a unicorn, but eventually I would love to date a couple in the future. It just seems like a very stressful relationship to attempt, though.


~Mer~

 

[scarletzinnia]

I see a common theme here, with female partners getting kicked out of a relationship because the other female, usually a primary partner, got jealous.

It happened in both the relationships I already wrote about. I knew that my female metamour in my relationship with Boyfriend 1 had always been jealous of me because she was morbidly obese (pushing 300 pounds) and I was not. She had even admitted that to me, and silly me, I thought she wouldn't let it affect things, since any rational person would know that it was not my fault, plus, our boyfriend was just as physically attracted to her as he was to me. I was wrong there.

Boyfriend 2's wife started getting uneasy with the relationship I had with him right around when boyfriend fell in love with me, seven months into our relationship. I sensed that something was off when she seemed to be avoiding talking to me and avoiding eye contact. I tend to be a little avoidant when other people stop being friendly without an obvious reason for that, so I simply continued being polite to her, offered assistance when she seemed to need help with her kids or other responsibilities, encouraged boyfriend to spend more quality time with her, and hoped that things would improve. She flipped out about my relationship with boyfriend a couple of months later and came close to a nervous breakdown, according to him. One of her official grievances was that when the four of us were together (since my husband was involved in the relationship too for part of it) that my husband and hers paid more attention to me than they paid to her. Somehow, though, she never owned that she was jealous of me, nor did boyfriend ever acknowledge that she was.

I spent over a year hoping that they could work through their issues and that boyfriend would finally assert his right to restart a relationship with me. As it turns out, I was mooning over a guy who wasn't worth my spit.

This doesn't only happen to unicorns. I am straight and in a long-term marriage with children. In both cases I wanted a loving but decidedly part-time relationship. I have never had an agenda to be a primary partner for anyone but my husband, and I have never wanted to live with a partner outside my marriage.

Queenba, I am so sorry that this happened to you, getting dumped by someone you love because someone else wants to get rid of you is one of the most painful things I have ever experienced. I hope you find partners with more integrity next time.

 

[BrigidsDaughter]

None of my breakups with Wendigo (boyfriend) were due to 3rd party jealousy. Each was due to specific circumstances requiring us to take a step back. The first was when we were a newly formed quad, as a couple he and his wife decided that before we could go any further, they wanted to ensure that Runic Wolf and I were getting quality time together. (Prior to Wendigo's wife joining in, he and I had some pretty out of control NRE that was settling down around the time his wife wanted to attempt poly with us and Runic Wolf (hubby). The second was when we attempted to open the quad to a specific friend. After a 3-some with said friend and Wendigo's wife, I learned that the friend had lied about his girlfriend knowing and being on-board. At the time she was still considering it. The friend also lied to Wendigo saying his girlfriend wanted a relationship with him and went so far as to arrange a date for them. The girlfriend thought Wendigo was going to be her cuddle buddy, while her boyfriend made it sound like she wanted sex. Luckily for them both, Wendigo actually listens to a woman when she gives him a boundary. When I discovered the lies and told Pretty Lady and Wendigo, things went down hill fast. We ended up taking a break for almost 5 months because Wendigo could not be in the same room with said friend w/o wanting to physically harm him. (He still can't, but time has taken the edge off.) Wendigo needed to focus on Pretty Lady (who had wanted the 3-some to take back some control over her sexuality), the whole situation set back all the work we'd been doing to help her move past her issues. I was okay with the break because I loved her too and we were still talking and Skyping, we just didn't see each other for months. The third break was actually no one's fault and was a true break up, even if it didn't last. Runic Wolf was seeing someone new and Wendigo and I were really taking advantage of it and enjoying the compersion. Then she suddenly broke up with him. At the same time, Wendigo had been feeling guilty for what he felt was putting our relationship above their friendship. After a date night with both of them, he told me that he thought we needed to break up. That it wasn't fair to Runic Wolf, especially after just being dumped. I took it really hard and Runic Wolf was pissed that Wendigo hurt me to make up for neglecting their friendship. It was a difficult month because we were all working together to get ready for a week long medieval fantasy camping event we were attending together. Every day, Wendigo and I would work in the work shop making garb and armor and I'd be quiet and try not to cry because I didn't know how being just friends was supposed to work. I'm affectionate with my friends (even make out with a few of them just for fun), so I was really confused on what my boundaries were supposed to be. In the evenings, we'd have dinner and they'd play video games until it was time to take Wendigo home. All the while, I was pouring my heart out to both of them over e-mail about how confused I was, about how I wasn't ready to give up on our relationship, about how I knew that someday our relationship would come to an end (I'm realistic), but that I wanted it to happen organically, not out of guilt or some misguided sense of nobility. A few days before the camping trip, Wendigo was spending the night. He and Runic Wolf played video games up until it was time for Runic Wolf to go to bed since he had work the next day. I leaned down to give Wendigo a quick hug good night and he pulled me into his lap, kissed me, and apologized for everything he'd put me through. That was almost 2 years ago and we're still together. Every once in a while, life throws a curve ball at us that makes it so we can't have the frequency we want in seeing each other, but we're committed to making it work.

We don't have veto power in our relationships, we try to discuss issues as they come up, not everyone is always happy with the compromises, but sometimes our kids or family have to come first and we've agreed that the kids don't need to know about the sexual nature of our relationship at their age (12 and 17) as they've got their own stuff to figure out. Wendigo got injured on the job in December. I was able to visit and cuddle him in his bed for about an hour, but his teenage son was home. Last month when I had surgery, Runic Wolf brought Wendigo to visit me in the hospital, but due to my incision and the IV, cuddles weren't really possible. Runic Wolf and his girlfriend have been struggling to find time with each other due to my surgery and her family stuff. It's harder for him to go with the flow than it is for me, but I've got a few more years of experience at it than him. (It's interesting watching him go though what I went through almost 5 years ago starting a new relationship.)

 

[GreenAcres]

*hugs* I am so sorry.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

I'm adding my two cents because it is NOT inevitable that poly folks have to experience a break-up due to outside forces (i.e. other partners). It, for example, has never happened to me.

But...this may be because I don't actually myself to be "in" a (romantic) relationship with someone until the (too me, emotionally exhausting) period of NRE has passed.

When MrS and I were deciding what to do about the "Dude situation" (you can read my blog for the sordid details of how I got us into the situation in the first place ), we discussed the fact that IF we were going to do this ... it had to be "all the way" - that Dude and I had to be able to let our relationship grow and evolve naturally without artificial constraints - that he would have to have the same opportunity to create a "real" relationship with me as MrS did at the same stage of our relationship. It might succeed or fail - but it had to do so on its own merit. Just as our marriage/relationship has.

That isn't to say that we all don't give each other feedback...we do - and if one of us were to become involved with someone that the others found toxic...then we would certainly speak up - but each person has the right to determine who they want to have a relationship with. If Dude, or MrS, decided to date someone that I found abhorrent then I can decide that I don't want to have more than a "formally civil" relationship with that person...and can choose to be un-present.

 

[kdt26417]

Re: OP ... sounds like a V-like scenario where one "leg of the V" causes the hinge and the other leg to break up. Has that ever happened to me? No, no ... although I haven't had much of a variety of poly experiences in my life. I've basically just been in the same poly-fi V for about eight years now (was monogamous before then) and while we had some stormy times in the early years, no one broke up with anyone and we seem to be quite stable by now.

Re (from Tiberius):

"If your relationship with B is good, why would you let C come in and dictate how it should go?"

Perhaps because B lets C dictate B's actions? It takes two to have a relationship, but it only takes one to dissolve the relationship. Person A wouldn't have a choice if B says, "It's over."

Or because B lets C dictate B's actions in such a way as to turn a good A-B relationship into a bad A-B relationship. Then A wouldn't even want to stay involved, probably.

Re (from Tiberius):

"Well, without knowing the specifics of what happened, I obviously can't comment, but it seems to me that if C is driving a wedge between me and B, then it is C who needs to go. People are responsible for their own actions, after all. And I also think that in a good, open and honest poly relationship, A should always have a say in the matter."

Of course, but "shoulds" don't always translate into what's done in practice. Person A can be the greatest person in the world, but if B and C have some kind of dysfunctional relationship, then who knows what mischief C can instigate in the way B relates to A. Perhaps B is very dependent on C and if given an ultimatum will choose C over A.

@ queenba ... I take it you're one of those "Person A's" who got "ousted" by "Person C." I'm sorry that happened. And I agree with many of the others, in that "couple privilege" is one of the most common causes (of a "unicorn" getting ousted), but I don't know that such was your particular situation.

 

[gorgeouskitten]

I think a lot of it has to do with if the married couple has veto power or not. Now my spouse is incredibly important to me, and friends with my boyfriend, but if the two of them had issues I wouldn't dump Nudge just to appease J.

Then on the other front....Nudge and his wife have there own stuff, but he wouldn't just dump me because she said so. it all depends on the people

 

[queenba]

Re: OP ... sounds like a V-like scenario where one "leg of the V" causes the hinge and the other leg to break up. Has that ever happened to me? No, no ... although I haven't had much of a variety of poly experiences in my life. I've basically just been in the same poly-fi V for about eight years now (was monogamous before then) and while we had some stormy times in the early years, no one broke up with anyone and we seem to be quite stable by now.

Re (from Tiberius):


Perhaps because B lets C dictate B's actions? It takes two to have a relationship, but it only takes one to dissolve the relationship. Person A wouldn't have a choice if B says, "It's over."

Or because B lets C dictate B's actions in such a way as to turn a good A-B relationship into a bad A-B relationship. Then A wouldn't even want to stay involved, probably.

Re (from Tiberius):


Of course, but "shoulds" don't always translate into what's done in practice. Person A can be the greatest person in the world, but if B and C have some kind of dysfunctional relationship, then who knows what mischief C can instigate in the way B relates to A. Perhaps B is very dependent on C and if given an ultimatum will choose C over A.

@ queenba ... I take it you're one of those "Person A's" who got "ousted" by "Person C." I'm sorry that happened. And I agree with many of the others, in that "couple privilege" is one of the most common causes (of a "unicorn" getting ousted), but I don't know that such was your particular situation.

Thanks for the input. I think getting "ousted" was not a veto situation, but more of a "I can't deal with C's behavior anymore over this issue, and we're married, so bye-bye, A". I am also part of a married couple.

 

[kdt26417]

That's a pretty sucky deal.

 

[Tiberius]

Perhaps because B lets C dictate B's actions? It takes two to have a relationship, but it only takes one to dissolve the relationship. Person A wouldn't have a choice if B says, "It's over."

That's true, but I would have hoped that in any healthy relationship that such things would be discussed first, not just broken off without warning.

Or because B lets C dictate B's actions in such a way as to turn a good A-B relationship into a bad A-B relationship. Then A wouldn't even want to stay involved, probably.

Again, I think ion a healthy relationship, this kind of manipulation shouldn't be happening.

 

[kdt26417]

I totally agree -- if C has the power (and uses it) to screw up the A-B relationship, then something unhealthy is going on.

At which point the debate about veto power raises its controversial head ... but I won't try to open that can of worms right at this moment.

 

[Tiberius]

I totally agree -- if C has the power (and uses it) to screw up the A-B relationship, then something unhealthy is going on.

At which point the debate about veto power raises its controversial head ... but I won't try to open that can of worms right at this moment.

Yeah. Poly relationships, even moreso than mono relationships, need a huge amount of trust.

 

[nycindie]

Yeah. Poly relationships, even moreso than mono relationships, need a huge amount of trust.

Why? I disagree. Good, fulfilling relationships need certain things to be good, fulfilling relationships. You need a huge amount of trust to be monogamous, too. Whether poly or mono, all loving relationships require mutual trust, respect, honesty, cooperation, good communication, a willingness to look inward at fears & insecurities, etc. Polyamory is no different in that regard from monogamy.

 

[Tiberius]

Why? I disagree. Good, fulfilling relationships need certain things to be good, fulfilling relationships. You need a huge amount of trust to be monogamous, too. Whether poly or mono, all loving relationships require mutual trust, respect, honesty, cooperation, good communication, a willingness to look inward at fears & insecurities, etc. Polyamory is no different in that regard from monogamy.

But in poly you must be open with each partner about your relationship with the other. Otherwise it's just cheating.

 

[nycindie]

But in poly you must be open with each partner about your relationship with the other. Otherwise it's just cheating.

So? What's that got to do with requiring "more trust" with poly than with monogamy? That is the statement you made with which I disagree. Being open and honest is the hallmark of any good relationship - doesn't matter if it's poly or mono. Whenever I've been in monogamous relationships, I've had to be open, honest, and communicative about whatever was going on with me, in order for the relationship to work well. In polyamory, one is simply applying the same basics of trust, honesty, communication, etc., to a different set of circumstances than in monogamy. ???

 

[kdt26417]

I think polyamory tends to be more complex because of the increased number of involved individuals. However, the principles are the same, mono or poly. Trust and honesty are paramount.

I've heard it argued that monogamous couples can "get away with more dysfunction." Polyamory reportedly shines a spotlight on those dysfunctions, so they can't so easily be tucked away. I'm not sure how much of my own experience bears this out.

I think the biggest thing I had to deal with, in living polyamorously, that I didn't have to do as a monogamist, is experience a lot of NRE for someone who wasn't my wife. I really blew it too. Hopefully if there was ever a "next time" for such a situation, I'd be a little wiser.

Another factor is that anytime you start a new (romantic) relationship with a new person, you have to learn new things about how to get along with that person. Each person is unique and has their own wants and needs. Hence, one more reason why polyamory would tend to be more complex (though there's always serial monogamy to consider).

 

[Tiberius]

So? What's that got to do with requiring "more trust" with poly than with monogamy? That is the statement you made with which I disagree. Being open and honest is the hallmark of any good relationship - doesn't matter if it's poly or mono. Whenever I've been in monogamous relationships, I've had to be open, honest, and communicative about whatever was going on with me, in order for the relationship to work well. In polyamory, one is simply applying the same basics of trust, honesty, communication, etc., to a different set of circumstances than in monogamy. ???

I simply meant that you have more than one relationship. You have A's relationship with B and B's with A, A's with C and C's with A, and to a lesser extent, B's with C and C's with B. Each of those requires the trust that is found with a typical mono relationship. I meant that there is more trust in terms of quantity, not that it was more important. Trust is vital in any relationship, mono or poly.

In a mono relationship it's only A and B and B and A.

 

[Oldpolyman]

No, our family of 35 years has had member's pass on, and just recently had wife M tell us at a family meeting, that she wanted out, nothing that any of us did. It is very disappointing to wife J and myself, we wish her well and will remain friends with her. We doubt that we will accept her back into the family, she wanted out a few years ago, then came back after her new relationships didn't work out. Now we've discovered that she was having unprotected sex on the sly, which means that Wife J and I must be tested, something no one had to worry about since we were polyfidelitus in our relationship.
We still believe in traditional poly marriage, and may seek to add another eventually.
Hugs