Curious to know what role I will play in your life...

[drinnt]

I'm excited for you and can't wait for your update!

So sweet of you! All of you have been great I can really feel the community and genuine caring coming through all your replies. Thank you, and thank you all!

Soooo...last night was the second date after the weighty texts that sparked my initial posting I will say that I am extremely grateful for the fast and incredibly helpful responses from you guys. Without them I would've done okay on my own, I think - despite my bumbling, but because of your replies and advice it gave me time to think and write out my thoughts - get them straight....annnnnnnnd I NAILED IT!!!!

She texted me after our date, "You are so open about your feelings that it makes it easy to open up to you and really talk. I enjoyed everything about our evening!..."

We had an incredibly direct and open conversation about what we want, what's available, how we want to experience it and though everyone offered a critical piece of advice that helped shape my conversation into a successful one...the one I feel REALLY connected us up was what ncyindie said about "defining a role will get in the way of the natural evolution..." That was the critical component I think to connect her language to my language and allowed us to really relate on the same level.

Her being new to poly she had a curiosity about her potential role, being able to talk about the constraints that thinking about roles could impose we were able to get excited together about exploring the natural evolution about who Steve and "Da" will be.

Super win! We talked about my fear that availability would be a problem and how we would make it work, how we view partners of partners and how they will fit into our relationship, communication preferences for the time between seeing each other, our next potential date, and most importantly the mutual desire for a full emotional investment as opposed to "fuck buddies".

Of course the communication will never stop, but a great start! Thank you all so much! I really feel poly now!!!!

 

[GalaGirl]

Glad second date went well!

Galagirl

 

[FallenAngelina]

We talked about my fear that availability would be a problem and how we would make it work

So glad your date went well, Steve. As for availability and time, many people equate time with emotional connection, but I've never found that to be so. Yes, it's important for each of you to know the other's ability to physically connect, but that needn't dictate your emotional connection, especially now that most people text. To me, someone is very available who is enthusiastically responsive to staying connected via text, even if we see each other periodically. I find that it's more the emotional connection than the actual physical time spent together that makes for a satisfying, loving relationship. Sounds like you and Da know this and are working it out fine. I just wanted to mention that "time together" doesn't dictate intimacy or depth of emotional connection and I support your intention to have a wonderful thing with someone you may not be able to see all the time.

 

[kdt26417]

Hey drinnt, congrats on the great talk you guys had together.

 

[drinnt]

So glad your date went well, Steve. As for availability and time, many people equate time with emotional connection, but I've never found that to be so. Yes, it's important for each of you to know the other's ability to physically connect, but that needn't dictate your emotional connection, especially now that most people text. To me, someone is very available who is enthusiastically responsive to staying connected via text, even if we see each other periodically. I find that it's more the emotional connection than the actual physical time spent together that makes for a satisfying, loving relationship. Sounds like you and Da know this and are working it out fine. I just wanted to mention that "time together" doesn't dictate intimacy or depth of emotional connection and I support your intention to have a wonderful thing with someone you may not be able to see all the time.

Interesting you say that FA, I was just talking with D this morning and she sent me the 5 love languages quiz. After taking it I confirmed what I knew already. Each relationship I have operates on some variation of my preferred love languages. In relationships I know that time is an issue there are other things that become more important...like losing your sight and relying more on hearing. I like what you said because in this poly world you can have relationships that all look different and I feel to be successful part of it is opening yourself up to alternative relationship models...and at times that means finding other meaningful ways to stroke those relationship pleasure centers.

For any curious: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/

Hey drinnt, congrats on the great talk you guys had together.

Thanks Kevin, it really was shaped by all you guys. As helpful as MoreThanTwo, Polyamory Weekly podcasts and my experience thus far are...this has been a chance to do poly with the intention of doing poly. I kind of fell into it with my relationship with D, so doing it with integrity and intention with Da is breaking new ground with familiar tools...but still new ground. You guys really helped me get prepared.

Glad second date went well!
Galagirl

Thanks, 3rd one planned for this coming Sunday and an overnight on the 16th. Now we're getting somewhere!

 

[kdt26417]

Cool beans drinnt. Keep us posted!

 

[kdt26417]

Re (from drinnt):

"I was just talking with D this morning and she sent me the Five-Love-Languages quiz. After taking it I confirmed what I knew already."

Sooo ... what is your love language?

 

[drinnt]

Re (from drinnt):


Sooo ... what is your love language?

It was a bit different in my relationship with J than with D.

With J it was QUALITY TIME, TOUCH, AFFIRMATION, SERVICE, GIFTS

With D it was AFFIRMATION, TIME, TOUCH, SERVICE, GIFTS

It was pretty cool to see my results represent the aspects of the relationships that are most important to me. I get more "days" but probably less "hours" with J and after 15 years our relationship has different needs than my other relationships where I can go 7-12 days between seeing partners....other things become more important.

 

[kdt26417]

Cool.