Curious

[newbieineveryway]

So I started a relationship with a man who is poly.

We have our issues as does any couple whether poly or not. I am mono at the moment because I am still learning and do not want to dive into something with no real knowledge behind me.

I have a few health issues (nothing fatal) but they are still a concern and I have a poor immune system that allows me to pick up everything.

I have asked that he play safe since we fluid bonded right away (I know I know my stupid fault)

He had at the time said no problem out of respect for my health which I never hid from him)

He went away for 5 days at a time that was really bad mentally for me even though he told me he would be there to support me.

He told me he would play safe and promised me.

When he came back he at first lied to me and said yes he had played safe. Within 10 minutes he confessed he had lied and was unprotected.

I was devastated to say the least.

I asked to place some rules in place to protect myself

-no lying to me
-tell me where you are and with whom
-play safe out of respect for my health

so far not one has been followed and I am at a loss as to what to do.

He thinks because he was with the other woman for longer than he has been with me he has the right to play unsafe with her.

AM I wrong in feeling slighted. This is my health we are talking about, not something stupid.

 

[Lea]

I asked to place some rules in place to protect myself

-no lying to me
-tell me where you are and with whom
-play safe out of respect for my health

so far not one has been followed and I am at a loss as to what to do

.

End it. He doesn't have respect for your boundaries or your health. If you don't want to end it, then hold to your boundary that you won't bond with someone who isn't being safe and protecting you.

But lying? If he's STILL lying even after this, how can you ever really trust him?

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle. Understandable to feel upset. He's being cavalier about your health and not giving you full information so you can give informed consent.

He thinks because he was with the other woman for longer than he has been with me he has the right to play unsafe with her.

He can do whatever he wants with his body. He cannot do whatever he wants with yours.

If this person has been promising one thing and doing another, you accept that he is a not a person of his Word.

I asked to place some rules in place to protect myself

-no lying to me
-tell me where you are and with whom
-play safe out of respect for my health

This is not placing boundaries to protect yourself. Those are all actions HE is supposed to do. You are asking him to protect you. Why rely on him? You already have experienced him saying whatever and then doing something else.

You are not asking you protect you. Where are the actions YOU do?

• If he lies again... what consequence do YOU do?
• If he doesn't tell you where he is and with whom... what consequence do YOU do?
• If he doesn't use protection or play safe... what consequence do YOU do?

I suggest you reframe your personal boundaries with consequences you can do. Because your boundaries are for YOU to obey and respect -- not other people.

If I have a boundary of "I don't lend my things to careless people" and you borrow my mower, break it, and do not apologize/repair/replace it? Then come again wanting to borrow my vacuum?

I obey my boundary. I tell you "No" and I do not loan you my vac. I obey my personal boundary so I don't have to deal with new shenanigans. They are there for me to obey to help keep me safe.

I have asked that he play safe since we fluid bonded right away (I know I know my stupid fault)

You don't have to STAY fluid bonded.

It is possible to use condoms when you choose to share sex with this guy. He does whatever with other people, but if he wants to share sex with you? It has to be with barrier protection then. And maybe you want to see sex health labs periodically.

Or just don't share sex with him any more because he's broken agreements and that's enough shenanigans for you. You don't want to keep trying here any more. You vote no confidence and withdraw your consent to participate in anything with him because you don't want to risk getting dinged again.

I can imagine this might be hard to FEEL. But the actions seem pretty straightforward. Pick what you want to do in this situation.

• Continue to be fluid bonded and accept he goes bareback with whoever. (You do not seem to want this. So I grey this out.)
• Stop being fluid bonded. Use condoms when you have sex with him so you are protecting your health.
• Stop being fluid bonded. Stop sharing sex with him so you are protecting your health.

Galagirl

 

[vinsanity0]

It seems to be a common misconception that being poly means you can do whatever you want. Does he have the right to fluid bond with anyone he chooses? Certainly. Does he have the right to break a promise and lie about it? Certainly not.

Sorry to say this, but I agree with Lea. It is unlikely this sort of behavior will change. I would definitely move forward with caution if you decide to stay.

 

[opalescent]

Just because you are fluid bonded doesn't mean you have to stay that way. If you decide to give him another chance, condoms and gloves are your friends. If he doesn't like them, he doesn't get sexy fun with you. (BTW, GalaGirl is right on with her discussion of boundaries for yourself and attempting to change the behavior of others.)

Are you getting tested? Is he getting tested for STIs? You don't mention that. (I do realize that STIs are not the only concern for immune compromised people, of course.)

I have friends who are immune compromised, also poly and who have to be cautious. More than the general population of people who are poly or non-monogamous, they need partners who understand the reality of their health. And part of that is dealing with boundaries that may seem restrictive. For example, I would consider having protected sex with someone who is positive for HSV-2. My friends who are immune compromised? That is too much of a risk for them. (Noting here that immune suppression varies greatly and risk assessment is really very individual.)

It seems like your partner just doesn't get this reality of your life. That happens. It's a fundamental incompatibility, unfortunately, in my opinion.

However, even more disturbing is that your partner doesn't seem to have the character to own up to that fact that he is not going to take your health situation into account. He's proven himself untrustworthy AND unwilling to truly deal with the implications of your health.

I'm sorry. For me, giving this man another chance is too risky. You are an adult, of course, and you know what you need.

 

[Marcus]

I asked to place some rules in place to protect myself

-no lying to me
-tell me where you are and with whom
-play safe out of respect for my health

so far not one has been followed and I am at a loss as to what to do.

Lying is a sign of lack of trust and the absence of an intimate relationship.
Have you known this person long? It sounds like you just met and are kind of "winging it".

The whole "tell me where you are and with whom" thing would be a red flag for me. I don't associate with people who think they have rights over where I am and with whom.

He thinks because he was with the other woman for longer than he has been with me he has the right to play unsafe with her.

Which is his decision to make.

Your decision is how you respond to this new information. Wear condoms, dump him, whatever.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi newbieineveryway,

I am inclined to tell you to break up with that man, but I know that's not what you want to do. This leaves using condoms with him, or not having sex with him at all, or limiting sex with him somehow, such as no PIV ... or carrying on as if nothing had happened, PIV without a condom. That last option would probably be a bad idea, but I mention it because it is an option.

I am sorry you find yourself in this predicament. He broke his word to you, and that's not cool.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[FallenAngelina]

This is really important information from your intro thread. I'm wondering what you mean by "submissive" because in a dominant-submissive relationship, being submissive does not mean doing whatever the dominant wants. The focus is always on the submissive's growth and well being - that's what the dominant's role is - not to do whatever the f*** he wants. Frankly, he want all of the benefits of being your boyfriend without any of the responsibilities and considerations.

You've taken on a lot of cognitive dissonance to be in this relationship, judging by your intro post. Getting a man who doesn't make your heart sing in every way is not a good return on your investment. You're already doing a lot of mind bending to even be with him and piled on top is a lot of cavalier behavior that you should be having anxiety about. Your jealousy, anger and anxiety should be going off the chart because there's a lot that isn't right here. To use an old fashioned term, his intentions are not honorable at all.

Why are you already living together?

I started dating/living with a man who is poly 9 months ago. I have never been with anyone in this lifestyle before. I am a submissive by nature.

I was taught that this lifestyle was wrong and it has been difficult trying to reprogram myself. I am having not jealousy issues so much as envy, fear, loneliness to name a few.

I am interested in trying poly but I can only hear what others have told me that it would make me a slut, whore (you get the idea)

I spoke to a few friends who have now pretty much disowned me.

 

[Shaya]

Hi,

Welcome to the forums. I wish you had come to us during happier times.

You've received a lot of advice to break up and it may not be what you want to hear. Maybe it's easier to hear this kind of advice from people you know and trust.

To me, his lack of care towards your health is a red flag. I am unable to see the love in his actions to you with his lying and disregard to your health. The way I see it, you will need condoms with him until trust is regained. You will also require STI testing now, and 3 or 6 months in the future (since HIV cannot reliably be picked up straight away).

His argument of "she came first so she has dibs on me" is wrong.

If the trust is shaken too badly, please consider breaking up. This is a man who seems to need a to do a lot of self improvement in order to do things ethically. You can certainly stick around to help him be a better man, but it will be a long time I suspect, with lots of set-backs, before he becomes honest from the inside-out, I think. I'm trying to say that improvement is always possible, but it takes a special kind of man with lots of introspection to admit fault and to work towards change.

With kind thoughts,
Shaya.