Cyclical long distance relationships

Musso

Musso

Member
To make a short story, I can't stand the cold weather. Ideally I would live all year round somewhere warm but my family and friends are in Quebec. My solution is to split half my time every year between two locations. Technically it seems to me that I could have a separate partners in each country but I wonder how would that go in practice and how hard it could be emotionally.

I'd be curious to hear any experience or point of view about such a relationship configuration.
 
Have you ever dealt with long-distance relationships before? They aren't easy. Often they happen because of work or school. In your case, it would be weather/climate. If other lovers are introduced, with NRE and the subsequent neglect of the first partner, jealousies, feeling displaced, etc., can ensue.
 
Hi Musso,

Long-distance relationships are always challenging, the cyclical aspect just makes it extra hard. This is not to say that it is impossible, just that it takes a lot of dedication. Some kind of connection must be nurtured when you can't be with that person in person. There must be lots of communication and a willingness to compromise. Every relationship is unique (as are the people in the relationship), so I would need you to tell me how it was going for you, in order for me to give specific advice. It sounds like you are just thinking about it right now.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Magdlyn said:
Have you ever dealt with long-distance relationships before? They aren't easy. Often they happen because of work or school. In your case, it would be weather/climate. If other lovers are introduced, with NRE and the subsequent neglect of the first partner, jealousies, feeling displaced, etc., can ensue.
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I've never had a long distance relationship. In fact, I've never had polyamorous realtionships. It's very possible that I'm too naive about how such a configuration would work. If I understand, you're saying that it might be harder because I won't be there physically to make my first partners feel secure while I'm adding new partners? Good point!
 
kdt26417 said:
Long-distance relationships are always challenging, the cyclical aspect just makes it extra hard. This is not to say that it is impossible, just that it takes a lot of dedication. Some kind of connection must be nurtured when you can't be with that person in person. There must be lots of communication and a willingness to compromise. Every relationship is unique (as are the people in the relationship), so I would need you to tell me how it was going for you, in order for me to give specific advice. It sounds like you are just thinking about it right now.
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I would keep writing and talking to my distant partners while I'm away, and hopefully some would be able to visit me, but I'm sure there's a risk that some partners end up finding other people who are more present and decide they are no longer interested in keeping a relationship with me.

I wonder if I need less commitment than the majority of people, and I assume others will be fine, like I probably would. I perceive my future polyamorous relationships very much like I perceive friendships, and just like with friends, I can be a while without seeing them, but when I reunite it's as if I saw them yesterday and I'm very happy to see them. I feel like I'm being too naive, but it's hard to anticipate the challenges when you haven't lived the difficulties of being in polyamorous relationships.
 
Musso said:
I would keep writing and talking to my distant partners while I'm away, and hopefully some would be able to visit me, but I'm sure there's a risk that some partners end up finding other people who are more present and decide they are no longer interested in keeping a relationship with me.
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This does happen. You can do a search here for "long distance relationship" and find lots of threads.
Musso said:
I wonder if I need less commitment than the majority of people, and I assume others will be fine, like I probably would. I perceive my future polyamorous relationships very much like I perceive friendships, and just like with friends, I can be a while without seeing them, but when I reunite it's as if I saw them yesterday and I'm very happy to see them. I feel like I'm being too naive, but it's hard to anticipate the challenges when you haven't lived the difficulties of being in polyamorous relationships.
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Some people who travel a lot, say, for work, whether they are performing, lecturing, or going to conferences, etc., who are polyamorous, may end up having various lovers here and there, of various degree of seriousness. Polyamory means multiple loves, but there are degrees of love. You don't need to be totally committed for life to everyone, you know? And not all relationships last forever, anyway.

In every case, you'd need to be completely open and honest about what you can offer, emotionally and materially, how much commitment, what commitment means to you, etc. It's never ethical to lie about who you are and what you want, promising all kinds of romance and an ongoing thing, if all you really want a quick shag or two.

I'd recommend checking out our resource list here to read up on poly in general.


Polyamory in its ideal form does mean you love someone deeply and want to be with them a lot, but then some polyamorists have FWBS and fuckbuddies too. But generally there's more to it than just a quick enjoyment of someone's body for an hour or so, never to be seen again.
 
My relationships are long distance (different continents), except for one partner who has recently redirected to nesting again.

It only works if your partners deeply value freedom and autonomy, and are okay with flexibility. Have an ex (poly) partner who wasn't able to do long distance because he needed the physical closeness. My current partners don't have that in an extreme sense and the mental and emotional closeness over the phone is satisfying enough.

How do you see it for yourself? Would you like to have more than one lifepartner? BF/GF? FWB? Comet?
 
Magdlyn said:
In every case, you'd need to be completely open and honest about what you can offer, emotionally and materially, how much commitment, what commitment means to you, etc. It's never ethical to lie about who you are and what you want, promising all kinds of romance and an ongoing thing, if all you really want a quick shag or two.
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Definitely. We're on the same page. I wouldn't call it polyamory if my intent wasn't to be 100% transparent.

I already read The Ethical slut, Opening up, Polysecure, Designer Relationships, and Sex at Dawn was on my list. But the link you've provided is very useful. I see a bunch of interesting titles in there. Thank you.
 
LaminarFlow said:
My relationships are long distance (different continents), except for one partner who has recently redirected to nesting again.

It only works if your partners deeply value freedom and autonomy, and are okay with flexibility. Have an ex (poly) partner who wasn't able to do long distance because he needed the physical closeness. My current partners don't have that in an extreme sense and the mental and emotional closeness over the phone is satisfying enough.

How do you see it for yourself? Would you like to have more than one lifepartner? BF/GF? FWB? Comet?
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Yes, I think you're right. I'll need to focus on partners who value freedom and autonomy.

Affection is very important to me but I'm able to keep the contact through periodic discussions. I already do it with a cuddle buddy I had back in New York. We always kept it platonic and even though I don't consider her a romantic partner, we care very much for each other. I feel like as soon we are able to see each other we'll be able reconnect physically and continue to grow our relationship. I guess we've always seen the other as a bonus in our life, without expectations. So far so good.

I forgot about the comet concept. I think it's a good way to describe one of the relationship types I'd like to have, but that's more like a bonus. I would definitely like to meet a few people that I can see on a regular basis who live nearby. I also wouldn't mind becoming a good friend to an existing couple. I like kitchen table poly.

Within all that, I'd like to have different levels of connection, from intimate friendship to something more romantic, when the fit is good. I don't think I'd be ready for a nesting or primary partner at this point, since I just separated from a monogamous relationship and I need to explore different relationships freely.

I think we can say I'm currently a relationship anarchist.

The more I think about it, the more I like my initial idea of starting slowly with my relationships, to be more on the friendship side than sexual/romantic. That should help regarding the distance also. But even if it evolves to something more, I wouldn't want my partners to rely too much on me, regardless. Ideally they would have enough partners so that it wouldn't be a huge deal that I'm away half of the year.
 
LaminarFlow said:
My relationships are long distance (different continents), except for one partner who has recently redirected to nesting again.

It only works if your partners deeply value freedom and autonomy, and are okay with flexibility. Have an ex (poly) partner who wasn't able to do long distance because he needed the physical closeness. My current partners don't have that in an extreme sense and the mental and emotional closeness over the phone is satisfying enough.

How do you see it for yourself? Would you like to have more than one lifepartner? BF/GF? FWB? Comet?
Click to expand...
Interesting. How do you keep the spark alive? How often do you see them? I am curious if you experienced a shift in a relationship after not being physically present in someone's life.
 
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