Dating a Married Couple

S

ScaredNConfused

New member
Hi everyone,
I have recently started dating a married couple and this is my very first experience with polyamory. I am confused about a lot and worried that I will mess it up since I have no previous relationship to learn from as to what not to do. They have had previous girlfriends and they are not shy about letting me know their likes and dislikes which is great but I am starting to worry that it won't be a three person relationship as they had me believe but more like it will be their relationship and then their relationship with me. I can understand these things as they have been married for 11 years but I just don't know if I am ready to sign on to this when I kind of feel like it will be me working my butt off to please them and keep them happy but all the while being the expendable one. I am scared but at the same time I know that I love them. And they claim to love me. They tell me that they are amazed at how well we all fit together and how it's not just about the sex which is mindblowing BTW. They love being around me and I love being with them. I can actually see myself spending my life with them which is why it scares the crap out of me. I mean am I just feeling this way because it's the whole "newness" of it like it is with any other new relationship? It's happening so fast though like really fast and all the people in my life who have discovered I am seeing a married couple just hope for the best for me that I will see the error of my ways and outgrow this phase because I am too young to know better :) so I don't have anyone to ask or talk to about this. Any advice or opinions would be greatly appreciated.
 
Do some reading here. Do a topic or tag search for "secondary," "unicorn," "couple privilege."

Read around the site morethantwo.com, especially here:

http://www.morethantwo.com/polyforsecondaries.html

I am concerned you will get your heart broken. You are caught up in infatuation, and are vulnerable since this is your first romantic relationship. This couple might try to take advantage of your inexperience.

Good luck!
 
I am with Magdlyn here: please do educate yourself. Do lots of reading. Also, we are here to help you. If there are any specific concerns or worries, post about them here. There are other women on this forum who have experience in dating couples, hope some of them chime in here.
 
ScaredNconfused, I've been the "unicorn" to a married couple, and there are a few more of us on the board.

Two articles to read ASAP are:

So someone called you a unicorn hunter This one really helped me articulate the problems in the relationship, and hopefully it will help them understand some of them, as well.

and

So what is couple privilege, anyway

I also recommend doing a site search, as said above. One of the recent threads on this topic is here:
What is the appeal of a unicorn?, but there are many more.

Poly isn't necessarily just a "phase," but it's important to know that what you're in, which is what is called a "triad" isn't the only way to do poly (and, at least from what most poly folks I know have seen, it's the least stable and hardest to maintain, esp. with an already existing married couple). That doesn't mean it can't be done, just that it is unusual and takes a good bit of luck that all the people are compatible, then a good bit of work by *all* of them, not just the new person.

As others have said, please let us know if you have any specific questions or thoughts--we're here to help!
 
I suggest you print out the articles and such listed above, read them carefully and think about them. Then give copies to the couple to read and discuss between themselves, and then ask to discuss the ideas in detail, having them explain how their thinking matches with the ideas in the articles, and with what you do or do not want.

They have a right to protect their investment in their relationship, but not to treat you as a toy. If they can't do that, it would probably be healthier for you to walk away.
 
Hi ScaredNConfused,

The type of situation you're in is actually rather common -- and infamous for not ending well. Don't be afraid to stick up for your rights as an individual. No matter how much you love this couple, that doesn't give them the right to objectify you.

Let us know how you're doing, okay?
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
In my experience, it's easy for a couple to claim the third is not expendable. Much harder to live up to. My XBF meant every word when he said I wasn't expendable, but the truth is, if there's an issue, a long time married couple is very likely to choose each other over the newcomer, to believe each other and give each other the benefit of the doubt over the newcomer.

As someone else said, these situations are well known for not ending well.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top