Dating a Monogamous Partner

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workinggirl

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I have a poly primary partner who is long distance. My secondary partner considers himself monogamous, but is currently very accepting of my relationship with my primary partner. He has, however, made it clear that he doesn't think we could continue our relationship if my primary partner moves to the same city as us because he would feel like he only had half a girlfriend (my primary plans to move here in about a year). I am very much in love with both of them. I think this may mean that my secondary partner and I are proceeding into dangerous waters, but my secondary partner says let's cross that bridge when we come to it. Has anyone dealt with this before? Would you a date a monogamous secondary partner? Should I continue dating him and just see where it leads? Or is this destined for failure?

Cheers,
Working Girl
http://www.workinggirlblog.com
 
I am sorry you struggle.

Let me repeat what I understand so I know I got it.

  • BF 1 is currently LDR, but will move here in a year.
  • BF2 is ok with the LDR thing for , but told you he wants to break up once BF1 is actually here. He's willing to keep dating for the year that is left.
  • You think if he knows he wants to end it now, you could just end it now then. Rather than date and develop more attachments and then break up later. (i.e.: dangerous waters.)
  • He is willing to date some more and break up later.

So where is your "willing and able" stand? Are you willing/able to do that? Date for now and break up later? Or do you prefer to just break up now?

Would you a date a monogamous secondary partner?
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No. To me a monoamorous AND monogamous person would not work for me.

Because they want (to have and love only 1 sweetie) and they want to be in a (1:1 only relationship shape.)

I could date a monoamorous and poly-friendly person.

Because they want to have and love only 1 sweetie (which would be me) so that works.

And they are ok in EITHER a (1:1 relationship shape) or in a (poly network of some kind as an endpoint.) Like they don't want to be the hinge in a V, but would be ok being one of the V-arm people.

If BF2 is strictly monoamorous AND monogamous? I don't know why he's choosing to date in an LDR V rather than sticking to the shape he likes best -- 1:1.

So I would end it with him now rather than keep on going into those "dangerous waters." To me the bridge is already here -- we are two people who want different shape relationships. Not compatible.

The bridge is not the LDR BF suddenly becoming local. That's just someone coming to shine a big spotlight on the bridge.

Galagirl
 
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Thanks for the reply, Gala Girl.

Yes, you have the scenario correct. When BF 2 and I started dating, we intended to keep it casual and ended up madly in love. Neither of us have ever before had this inexplicably strong connection with anyone. Our relationship is intense, but stable. I am the happiest I've ever been, and he says he has waited his entire life to feel this way about someone. He did not intend to enter a serious relationship with a poly person, yet here we are. He is more than accepting of my relationship with BF 1, I can speak about it openly, and he is supportive, but he thinks that time-wise, he would not be able to get enough of me if BF 1 lived in the same city. It's not that we "plan" to break up when BF 1 moves here. BF 2 says let's play it out and see where we are - that's a year from now. I tend to agree, yet at the same time feel that I may be fully giving my heart to someone who is ultimately going to break it because he will want to be with me all the time and won't be able to share me. BF 2 has unequivocally stated that he is monogamous, though I believe he may be not be "monoamorous" as you say, because he is more than willing to participate in the current scenario and does not exhibit a lot of jealousy in regards to BF 1. At the end of the day, though, he says he wants a life partner, wants to live with someone, etc., and I'm almost certain (though not 100%) that I will never be able to offer that to him.
 
Honestly, this sounds destined for heartbreak. If anything, I think the reason that he's willing to say "let's cross that bridge when we get there" is that he's probably hoping that you'll be invested enough after an additional year together that if BF1 moves closer and BF2 can't deal, you'll be willing to choose BF2 over BF1. And if you and BF1 ever ended for whatever reason, I'm guessing he'd have a really hard time accepting you taking on any new partners (unless maybe he was ok with you having a casual partner that you only saw every so often like you have with BF1).

Basically, he's hoping you'll find him to be enough and change to fit the long term relationship goals that he's looking for. That's not good for either of you. Plus, it also means that he's spending another year investing it into someone that can't give him what he wants instead of looking for the person who can.

Unless you're willing to become monogamous in the long run, I think the kindest thing you can do is let him know that you're not changing, he shouldn't expect it, and either end it to spare both your hearts, or be prepared for some even worse heartbreak down the road.
 
If you are fully giving your heart to someone who is ultimately going to break it because he doesn't want to share?
  • Are you happy doing so? Then carry on. Enjoy it for now and deal with whatever later.
  • Not happy doing so? Then stop now, so you can get off cheaper. Rather than putting it off.

It's your emotional wallet. You figure what you can afford to pay or not.

At the end of the day, though, he says he wants a life partner, wants to live with someone, etc., and I'm almost certain (though not 100%) that I will never be able to offer that to him.
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Does he know that you are not willing/able to give those things? Because if he says he understands, then maybe you can relax on that? And let his choices be his problem?

Right now it sounds like you are pre-worrying on both side of the fence.

"What if we end up breaking up? Will I be able to cope with my heartbreak?"

AND

"What if we end up breaking up? Will he able to cope with HIS heartbreak?"

All that does is take away from enjoying your present day. Break ups are not fun. Nobody goes "hey! Let's break up today!" like they go "Hey! Let's go see a movie!" But neither are they the end of the world. People cope.

He says he doesn't know if he will be happy with a different time management once BF1 is local. But he's willing to try it on to see and will tell you at THAT point in time if it doesn't work for him. Well, if you are willing to try it on? Carry on and stop pre-worrying and predicting heartbreak doom.

But if you already know today you are just NOT compatible? Because he ultimately wants something you cannot give? Don't pussyfoot around and just end it now.

There's a cost no matter what. You either pay up front or you pay later.

Again... your emotional wallet. You figure out what you can afford to pay.

Galagirl
 
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Thank you both so much for your reply. Breathemusic, BF 2 and I have actually spoken quite openly about the situation, my expectations, and the reality of poly-mono. He says, and I believe, that the reason he wants to cross that bridge when we come to it is that HE might be ready for more sharing and poly than he is now (and not because he's hoping that I'll be ready to choose him). I have clearly said to him - "I hope you're not staying in this situation hoping to emerge victorious" and he says he's not and fully understands.

Given that, Galagirl, I'm inclined to agree. Your response was incredibly helpful. It's my emotional wallet, and I think the connection that BF 2 and I share is so strong that I am willing to take the risk. BF 2 fully agrees with you as well. He says he is willing to take the risk, and I have clearly told him I don't think I'll ever be able to give him those things that he wants, and he has said that it is pre-worrying and that we should keep being honest, but that I need to let him take what risk he desires to take. Like you said, he wants to try it and see if at THAT time it doesn't work well for him.

We are both taking a gamble here, but I do feel that we are both in a stable enough place to take the hit on our emotional wallet if that's what it comes to.

Cheers,

Working Girl
http://www.workinggirlblog.com
 
Glad it helped then.

We are both taking a gamble here, but I do feel that we are both in a stable enough place to take the hit on our emotional wallet if that's what it comes to.
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Sounds like each of you is willing to take the risk, and each one plans to carry their own emotional baggage on the trip and pay their own share of the costs.

Not one person trying to carry everything or one person trying fob their stuff on the other guy.

That's good! :)

Hope things work out for the best.

GL!

Galagirl
 
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Yes, I would and do date mono guys, but I would never call or consider anyone "secondary." As far as I'm concerned, hierarchy has no place in loving relationships. All my lovers are equally important to me, and equally considered. Maybe if you took an egalitarian approach, rather than hierarchical, BF2 would be more able to handle a poly-mono arrangement. If he knows that BF1 is always going to come first and be given preferential treatment, then I don't blame him for figuring he'll just cut you loose when BF1 comes to town. Who the hell would want to always be in second place?

That said, there's always the risk of being hurt in any relationship, no matter how neat and tidy it all might seem. You can't live life avoiding love out of fear that you'll be hurt.
 
I'm thinking the mono local guy is fine with the way things are now because the other is LDR. That allows him to pretend he has a girlfriend who just has a pen pal. When LDR gets there it's a whole new game. That doesn't mean he won't come around. You know him better than any of us.

I seriously doubt I will date anyone who is mono anything in the future even if they claim to be poly friendly. I think most mono types would prefer to be some sort of anchor partner. But I could be clouded by the fact I'm having problems with my mono partner.
 
vinsanity0 said:
But I could be clouded by the fact I'm having problems with my mono partner.
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Probably. I'm really happy being a mono, LDR, non-primary to my poly partner :)
 
Hi workinggirl,

I think that you and BF 2 both want to continue seeing each other for as long as you can. Which probably means for about a year, until BF 1 moves into town. I would just brace myself for a possible heartbreak if I were you. After BF 1 moves into town, you can always increase the communication between you and BF 2 and find out how he is feeling about things on a regular basis. If you're lucky, things may work out after all. I hope they do.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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