Dating again...too soon?

O

OpenDoor

New member
So I'd like to probe the collective intelligence of the poly hive mind on a dilemma I have.

I've been cohabiting for 12 years, with a wild and crazy girl who has alternately dazzled me and driven me crazy all that time, sometimes simultaneously. We have two great kids, who really, really like having everybody together.

So recently she came out to me as poly (after being really posessive and jealous for a long time, so imagine my surprise). She has been having an affair, is wildly in love with the other guy, but doesn't want me to leave either. I have to admit to being a crappy boyfriend lately anyway, over an affair with a different man she did end, but that I held on to the anger about for far too long. So it was not completely unexpected, but still kind of a shock.

Once my ears stopped ringing, and I stopped trying to bully her into dropping her new guy, I've been making my peace with it. I still think she's hot, shes a born social butterfly and I don't want to be the one pinning her to a board...and to be perfectly honest the thrill has been gone for me for a while as well. Its an opportunity for me too, of course, and I don't have to go live in a bachelor pad and be sad all the time to try and take advantage of it. And with the air cleared we might, very slowly, see if we can work out our other issues as a couple, and give our kids a happy home.

I do however still have some disconcerting waves of emotion about it, which leads me to my dilemma. I'd like to start meeting new people in general, not just dates, but I don't know if I am fit for purpose right now. My social skills have rusted in the suburbs-my natural loner tendency exacerbated by the commute and a foreign language (I don't live in my native country). On the other hand, some of the online flirtations I've had recently have given me a bit of a morale boost. Maybe too much, in fact.

Should I pull back for a while, and focus on friendship building, rather than relationships? I know I started looking just to try and make my SO jealous, which is really a terrible reason to do anything, but on those occasions that I have clicked with someone it was genuinely soothing to talk about nothing and think about someone or something else, for a while at least.

However thethswiping swiping and mesaging is also getting a little obsessive, to the point where my work is suffering, and my SO seems to be getting a little put out. Part of it may be me wanting to not deal with some feelings of inadequacy and rejection by fantasising about becoming a super stud. Natural under the circumstances I guess but really not convenient at times.

So should I keep up the low risk (if low reward, for the moment) online chatting as a therapeutic measure, reining it in the office of course? Or should I step back a bit and sit with this for a while, deal with those abandonment issues, and rebound, hopefully stronger?

Thanks

OD
 
There's a lot of things going on here, so I'll kinda respond to them in sections, hopefully you find something useful in some or all of them:

Your partner coming out as poly - Yay! (for them), for you this is probably way more of a struggle than a reward. I'd encourage you to check out the site MoreThanTwo, which is kinda a primer to poly relationships and people. By the fact that you're posting here, I'm guessing you've done some research, awesome! The next step is talking to your partner what poly means to them, and what they want from the relationship, which may be what poly sites say, or something totally different! Likely it will be some nuance between the two. If they've just come out, it's likely they don't know entirely. Approach it like you're trying to learn about them, a new person, who you trust and love, but who has a side you don't know about. In a non-judgmental but curious way. It's a great and a wonderful thing when somebody comes out of the closet about anything to you, whether it be their sexual identity, that they are poly, abuse they've experienced, that they really hate a thing they've pretended to like for years, whatever it is. There's something beautiful about that moment of honesty. It says so much about how much they trust you, value your communication abilities, see you as an important part of their life, etc. That doesn't mean that you have to agree or go along with it, at least as it applies to your life. The key, I think, it to understand and accept how the other person is, while taking your own view and approach to how you want you own life/relationships to go. You may think/find poly works for you, or that some variation does, which isn't what works for your partner. There are two parties here, be sure to respect both of them. People who are poly and monogamous can date, sometimes successfully, but the majority of the time, there are clashes, and how you two navigate it will determine the outcome whether it be good, bad, or somewhere in-between (where having kids together often ends up).

Making new relationships and confidence - I'll assume for this section that you've decided to pursue new relationships, even in an exploratory stage, and that's something you'd want to do, not something you've been pressured into. That's you're choice! Ok, so in terms of the question of pursuing friends vs romantic entanglements, this is a problem I've certainly faced during my less socially-active spells. On the one hand, just throwing yourself into the abyss of dating when you aren't quite ready can be a good idea. It can leave you with an increased sense of confidence, enriching experiences, hard lessons, etc. On the other hand, it can leave you with baggage, feeling let down by a rejection, etc. Only you know (and even if you don't, you know better than anybody on here at least!) if that's a good idea or not. Personally, my closest friends have always been my romantic partners, and almost all of them I have stayed tight and close with after our romantic relationship ended. If that's not your MO, and you want to make more social connections, then that's something you should pursue. You can, of course, pursue both! Imagine you move to a new city, you want to make a circle of friends, but through those friends, you'll find romantic/sexual partners. You can also do the inverse, but without much extra work, you may not be able to keep them after the end of your romantic/sexual relationship with the person who introduced them to you.

Dating- If you haven't been in the dating game in a while, I'd strongly suggest checking out OkCupid. Not only do they have a universe of relationship style/identity options, they have some great people you won't find anywhere else.
 
Hi OpenDoor,

I suggest a break from the online chatting, maybe a couple of weeks. Use the time to reflect, then go back to the chatting if you feel that's the right thing. You've had quite a shock, you need some time to get your bearings. And if you'll continue to post here, we'll be able to think of further input and advice for you.

Welcome to the wide world of poly, you have a true adventure ahead of you. Good luck!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I've seen where a big problem with "online romance" is that, when working from a place of emotional vulnerability, it can easily result in the fantasy/reality line blurring.

Yes, you can do the monogamous thing, & begin casting around for someone to replace your girlfriend. That can be accomplished in a few months, maybe weeks; statistically speaking, the new one probably won't pull the same script on you, & soon enough you'll both believe you're soulmates, destined to be together forever.

Alternatively, you could begin developing a social life for YOU -- as an individual, form-fit & customized to your needs, without the couplist mindset -- & remain with your girlfriend for as long as you can stand it. It might take months to even start proper friendships outside the home, months more to meet women with even a tiny mutual attraction, & then there's locating someone who'll accept that you already have an ongoing relationship... but at least you'll have friends, & things to do as an individual person.

As for your girlfriend "being in love" with another guy -- seemingly soon after ending it with the previous True Love :rolleyes: -- she is an NRE junkie. It's "love" only in the sense of cheap melodramatic Romance; have a read about the relatively new term, limerence.

Things I Won't Be Surprised At
  • a year from now, she'll have a NEW True Love
  • in the neartime, she will demand that you keep your schedule super-flexible for when she decides to hang out with you
  • when you begin to develop a (real-world) social life without her, she will demand the right to join
  • ...possibly bringing her boyfriend
  • she will become angry/weepy should you begin dating
  • ...probably demand concessions to "make it up" to her for your "neglect"
IMNSHO, "coming out as poly" does NOT involve blindsiding one's supposed PARTNER, much less well, whatever you think you have to say about it, I'm gonna continue.

Nonmonogamy, maybe -- though really it's monogamy + affair + arrogance. But it is certainly not polyamory.
 
Thanks for the great responses-I think I kind of knew the answer before I posted, and its that I am at risk of taking it too fast-especially re: finding a new "one true love". I think I just wanted to check if it wasn't just me.

I've been speaking with one person who seems cool and is herself very attached, so no danger of going overboard I think, on either side. Even if there's no romantic spark in person, she'd be a good person to meet under any circumstances. After that...I think I will take a break. I'm not even sure how to approach my romantic life with my girlfriend now....the knots I tie myself in when I try to bring up I'm horny, for example. In fairness, when I'm direct, its usually fine! Its just getting up the courage to accept a "no" as "thanks, but I don't feel like it tonight" rather than "I have a great lover already, stop annoying me, half-man". I know, stupid, but...

She has explained limerence to me, so she has done her homework too. Like I said, we had a bad patch, and the NRE buoyed her up, from what she says. Wish I'd thought of it :)
 
Complicated situation!

Your gf and mother of your children cheated and betrayed you twice. Naturally you were angry, sad and hurt. OTOH, you know she's a wild and cray social butterfly, so maybe you weren't so surprised.

You both need to heal from the betrayal of her cheating before healthy polyamory can be pursued. She might be avoiding sex from guilt, or fear and avoidance of you because of how you reacted to her cheating.

Try to communicate as rationally and kindly as possible. Counseling might be a good idea. A third party can help you establish reconnection and help you move forward.

What would you like your gf to do to make reparations, give you reassurance that you are not being replaced, and regain your trust? Read the 5 Love Languages to determine what kind of attention feels best for you.

Maybe it's quality time and touch that helps you most. Do learn to speak up when you're horny. Let her know you are attempting to deal with your feelings if she rejects you now and then. Maybe you could compromise (like my gf and I do) and she could allow you to hold her while you masturbate (without touching her pussy or boobs).
 
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