Dating profile question.

S

Santeria

New member
Hi all :)

This might seem like a bit of a pathetic question, but I'm aware that one of my partners has an active profile on an online dating site, it says he is single and open to either monogamous or non monogamous relationships (until recently it just said non monogamous). At the moment I am his only partner (that I know of).

I haven't spoken to him about it, but we have discussed him being open and honest with potential partners about me - this doesn't really seem like that though.

I'm not sure if I'm overreacting. I understand that sometimes it's easier for poly folks to hide their status on dating sites because of people judging. Any thoughts?

Thank you :)
 
If you all are partners, the ethical dating profile would be to list non-monogamy and partnered. If it is okcupid and you list non-monogamy, it will only show your profile to non-monogamy people.

That all being said, could this be an oversight from when your partner was single or is this a new profile?
 
Thanks for replying :)

No, he's swapped between non monogamous and open to either a few times recently from what I gather, but it has always said single. I know I should say something, but I'm unsure of the best way to approach it.
 
Hello Santeria,

I think the best thing to do is to say, to the partner in question, "Honey, I noticed that your dating profile says single. I am somewhat uncomfortable with that, it comes across as dishonest. Could you mention in your profile that you are partnered with me?" It is hard to ask him that sort of question, but you, too, need to be honest with him and tell him how you feel about this. I will give him the benefit of the doubt and just say that he entered "single" before he got together with you, and just hasn't thought to update that part of his profile. If so, I would think he would want to update it as soon as you brought that to his attention. It may be easier to attract people when you say "single," but if it is not honest, it is not something anyone should do, poly or otherwise.

I hope the two of you can get that cleared up.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
That's the spirit, glad I could help.
 
Does he see you as a partner? Perhaps he sees himself as solo poly and that you have a relationship with each other but he doesn't equate that to being partners. You simply may currently have different perceptions of the word partner.
 
Evie said:
Does he see you as a partner? Perhaps he sees himself as solo poly and that you have a relationship with each other but he doesn't equate that to being partners. You simply may currently have different perceptions of the word partner.
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We've had that discussion he has said I'm his partner/girlfriend. I'm wondering if that was a convenience thing though
 
Then I'm with Kevin.
Talk with your partner.
 
Santeria said:
it says he is single and open to either monogamous or non monogamous relationships (until recently it just said non monogamous).
Click to expand...

If his profile is checked as single and monogamous, he's going to appear to be single and monogamous - which he is not. How can he honestly claim to be monogamous if he is looking for new partners while having a girlfriend? It's dishonest and begging for trouble.
 
Santeria said:
I haven't spoken to him about it, but we have discussed him being open and honest with potential partners about me - this doesn't really seem like that though.
Click to expand...

For my dating profile I have always stated clearly (and up at the very top) that I am not monogamous. Those classification settings on OKC have been moved around a bit as I have set up my profiles over the years because I thought it might be classifying me in a box that wasn't entirely accurate. It may be that your partner thinks they have found a way to set up those classifications that gets him more exposure without painting an inaccurate picture.

In the end I'm with these guys, if it's something you are concerned about you need to just talk to them about it. Your hesitance to discuss something like this with your partner is an indication that you guys might not trust each other to be reasonable during conflict resolution. It's crazy common, and a gigantic problem in most relationships.

So for me I would use it to learn to break down those trust barriers. We have to practice being honest about our feelings without accusing anyone of anything, and we need to become experts at receiving unfavorable information (bad news, or not what we were expecting). As we practice those muscles they get stronger and we build trust by the boatload.

Go into it calm and with a mind to understand what is going on with your partner, do *not* go into it with an assumption that they are going to make you feel better or give you what you want.
 
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