Dating

BathedInSalt

BathedInSalt

New member
Dean and I had a heart to heart, all good things, but something came up. Something I didn't have an answer for.

When I first thought about Polyamory, long term love was my end game ( I agree that end game sounds weird but I can't think of a better term right now...goal, vision, fantasy?).

Somehow I had forgotten that dating comes first.
So in transitioning from monogamy to polyamory, is there a period of time where the relationship looks more like an open relationship?

It came up because I met someone when I was out, so the meeting and being physically together happened all at once. Where with online dating Dean could scope them out, know about them before any face to face time. He's more comfortable with that and I am re-imagining what meeting people in real life will look like next time based off of our conversation.

We're learning.

I also believe at the end of the day what we call it: open, poly, etc. won't matter much because it will be us just living our truths. I also find it useful to name it so we can get directions to where we want to go and language to be able to talk about it in the first place.

Ideally this all would go as "naturally" and open minded as it did under my monogamy relationship model...does that make sense?
 
That does make sense! You are trying to get a feel for poly dating. Always challenging. Sort of like when the old normal is gone, but the new normal isn't here yet. It's going to feel weird for awhile.
 
Weird is a feeling we have often these days, but we agree that it would be even more weird if we didn't feel weird.
We are making sure along the way that we still have the same vision.
Using weirdness as barometer or some other kind of tool.

So weird.
So wonderful.
 
I think the key to your question is "looks like". Yes, it can look like just an open marriage. The important part is intent. Dating is what it is. If your intent is to just go out and have fun without the possibility of any kind of LTR, then you are most likely in an open marriage. If your intent is to go out and have fun and possibly meet someone and get attached to them, then you are probably poly.

It's pretty hard to meet a right person without dating. I mean, how many strangers run into each other in a grocery store and decide to shack up? It takes time to get to know someone. Even what Dean is doing is dating. He's just narrowing down the dating pool to people he thinks he will have the best luck with.

I think poly people view dating a little differently than mono people. A lot of mono people seem to force themselves into a relationship because that is what they think they have to do. Society says we have to pair off to be happy. There usually isn't that sense of urgency with poly people.

That being said, I think some poly people have a different sense of urgency sometimes. That is a need to have all the relationships on the same page. I've never reached that sense of equilibrium. I had one long term partner and several others in various stages. It will probably always be like that unless I meet two different women at the same time and things progress at the same exact rate. Unlikely.
 
Thank you Vin, your response makes a whole lot of sense 😊
We are re-learning dating. It is definitely different now and honestly for me anyways it's a lot more fun, easier even? Of course it's been 7 years since I dated before and being young I'm still growing a lot on a yearly basis, so there's that too.
I like having this perspective about dating and I am interested in LTR, very much.

I like that you pointed out the possibility of having many relationships in different stages of dating until you find the right one that sticks. That makes sense.
 
I havent dated in 8yrs. And even having someone intact in our relationship is making all weird. Good and bad ways.
 
I'm still of the belief that dating ought somehow be separated from mate shopping. I go out on dates with my lovers & established partners; I go out on dates with platonic friends. I don't go out on dates in hopes of getting laid, much less married.
vinsanity0 said:
If your intent is to just go out and have fun without the possibility of any kind of LTR, then you are most likely in an open marriage. If your intent is to go out and have fun and possibly meet someone and get attached to them, then you are probably poly.
Click to expand...
I like this a LOT. :)

And though it's been said a thousand times: there is nothing "wrong" with not being polyamorous. Poly is not superior to other modes of nonmonogamy, & in fact can be a right big PITA with its need to strive for the ideal.
vinsanity0 said:
A lot of mono people seem to force themselves into a relationship because that is what they think they have to do.
Click to expand...
To be fair, there seems to be plenty of people who are a little obsessed with "doing poly" exactly as they've read/heard about someone else living it. And every time someone mentions that "the first person I dated after our decision is now my new Life Partner!!"... then I got to wonder if they simply latched onto the first not-too-awful candidate to come wobbling past, in order to "join the club" ASAP.
vinsanity0 said:
Society says we have to pair off to be happy. There usually isn't that sense of urgency with poly people.
Click to expand...
Well, "not usually" if we overlook the "seeking our third" couples. ;)
 
My friends and I made a word for friend dates: frieate
It didn't catch on lol
I do take friends on dates, I take my kids of dates, and then I have romantic dates with my husband and dates with the people I'm dating.
None of those are the same thing, it is silly that they all share one word.
 
I don't think of going out with friends and partners as dates. I just think of it as going out. When my friend Blondie calls me up and says "hey, you wanna go out for dinner", neither of us thinks of that as a date.

I see dating as going out with strangers (or mild acquaintances) that could lead to one of several things. Friends, sex friends, romance, or deciding hell no to anything. If I meet a girl in a bar, or something, and ask her out, I think of that as a date. Then we just see where it goes. I don't have an expectation of romance. I value friendships just as much.

Though, come to think of it, Cat and I were very friendly for a couple years before we went out on what we considered our first date, so I guess those lines can get blurred.
 
One positive side effect from me calling everything a date is that when I say I'm going on a date my kids don't bat an eye.
Instead they ask me when they get to go on a date with me.
Date is a way we set apart something special. When I "go out" with a friend I'm likely to take calls or texts, when I'm on a date my attitude is more of paying complete attention to that person the whole time. (within reason)

Since we're on the subject of dating I'm getting pretty lost. I'm gonna try to get help teasing it all apart to make sense of it in a separate post.
 
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