De-escalating an intense relationship; relationship anarchy

S

Socrates

New member
I've been dating this girl for a little over 8 months. She lives in another city, a two-and-a-half hour drive away from me.

We met through an introduction by a mutual friend. We've both generally identified as poly for the past several years. When we first met she told me that she was a relationship anarchist and also didn't have a lot of time or energy for relationships -- she wanted to just have a lover over once in a while. But then we fell in love really hard, to the point where she was changing her mind about all kinds of things in terms of what sort of relationship she wanted. We were seeing each other every two weekends, spending the whole weekend together, emailing and texting a lot, agreed to be primary partners. I also got to know her whole circle of friends, and I like them much better than I have the friends of other people I've dated (in fact we were introduced by a mutual friend). I've been in love three times in my life, and this was by far the most intense in terms of the level of compatibility I felt with the person, and the feeling was mutual. During the first several months that we dated, we each had one or two sexual hookups with other friends, but nothing very serious.

After we had been dating for six months, it got to the point where we actually decided to be monogamous, at her request in fact, because she told me that she was so attracted to me that she no longer felt attraction to other men, and she wanted a stronger feeling of security in the relationship. This blew me away because when we first met she valued polyamory much more strongly than I did -- I was willing to be mono or poly with the right person. Anyway, we agreed to a monogamy commitment that would last for the next year. At the time when we made this commitment, we both felt strongly that it was the right decision. And then . . . it all fell apart. She decided that she wanted to have sex with another guy two months after we agreed to monogamy (about a month ago). I wasn't thrilled with this, but she didn't give me a choice in the matter. It turned out that the commitment we made didn't really mean much to her because as a relationship anarchist she doesn't believe that relationship commitments constitute moral obligations, whereas I had made a serious commitment and worked hard to rearrange my mindset to value monogamy. We had discussed her beliefs about commitments before in detail, but I still didn't quite understand how lightly she took our monogamy commitment compared to me. I initially had a strongly unhappy emotional reaction, but I figured oh well, a misunderstanding, I'll be okay with it.

But then, a couple weeks later she told me that she didn't feel as strongly attracted to me as she used to, that her life had gotten very busy in a variety of ways, and that she didn't want to see me as often or spend very much time with me. She made it clear that she cares about me deeply and wants to keep me as one of her closest friends and to spend a night with me once in a while at her convenience and (if I understand correctly) continue having sex with me. She's treated me in a caring way and talked to me or texted me every day since she announced the de-escalation. (Or de-commitment as she also called it -- she says it's important for her to be true to her relationship anarchist values and get rid of the pressures she felt from having any sort of commitment with me.) And I know enough of her friend circle and have seen enough of how she's treated other friends and lovers to be fairly confident that she seriously wants to remain close friends and isn't just saying it to soften the blow. I've also talked to the mutual friend of hers who has known her for 10 years and introduced us originally and he agrees.

But I'm stuck as to how to go about this transition. Currently I feel emotionally devastated. I saw this person as being a potential close lifelong partner, somebody who would be there for me through thick and thin and interact with me a lot every day. Not necessarily somebody I would live together with or marry because neither of us was looking for a completely traditional relationship (though I was looking for a more traditional relationship than she was), but I still saw her as a potential life partner. I sometimes make lists of what I want in a romantic partner, and she satisfied them almost perfectly -- I've never dated somebody who I connected with so incredibly intelligent and who I connected with so deeply intellectually, the sex has been amazing and tender and kinky, and we have lots of shared interests, values, and personality traits that add up to a lot. So I want her to still be my close friend and lover going forward -- but how do we navigate the transition? How can I de-escalate my feelings for her so that I'm okay with just seeing her once in a while and can have a good time in that context and so that it's not just painful everytime I see her, so I'm not overwhelming her with unfulfillable pleas to go back to how it used to be? I've had to strongly de-escalate my feelings for people before when I've gone through breakups, but never in the context of staying lovers through the process -- in the past it has been a nasty process with lots of hard feelings, and I want to try to avoid that, because I want to keep some tenderness so we can still be close friends and lovers. But how do you back down gracefully to the previous level once you've loved somebody so deeply?

To make things more complicated, the mutual friend told me that there are two things that would likely make the girl feel even less attracted to me now -- if I make her feel like I'm imposing any sense of obligation on her, and if I express any hard feelings towards her such as anger/resentment/disgust. I'm fairly confident that this is mostly accurate. On the other hand if I don't do these things there's some chance her attraction for me could increase again.

All this would be hard enough if we lived in the same city; living far away just makes it harder as our meetings have to be planned somewhat in advance, and she would not be able to commit to any sort of regular schedule, which makes it harder for me to plan out the rest of my life. However, I do have a flexible work schedule so I can visit her on weeknights occasionally.

On a side note, it's not clear to me how much of this is just new relationship energy for this new guy that she's met. She agreed with me that her past self who formed the monogamy commitment would agree that this is exactly the thing that we were trying to avoid when we agreed to monogamy -- but she says that's not relevant because she is not her past self and that's no longer what she wants. Who knows -- maybe her thing with the new guy will burn out like her initial thing with me did, and then she'll be more interested in me again? She doesn't seem to think that's too likely.

I'd appreciate advice and support, especially from anybody who has been through a similar experience.
 
Last edited:
I'll just cut to the chase and say she seems like a flake to me. I don't have time for that nonsense.
 
Well, I presented the story from my side, I might have left out some details that would make her seem a bit less flaky. I could pm such details to interested parties, they're a bit too private to want to post them here, and the post was already getting very long. But regardless of whether she's a flake, she's also, at age 32 and after lots of dating, the romantic partner with whom I've felt the strongest compatibility. That's worth a lot to me. Everyone has their flaws.
 
It sounds very hard for you.

What kind of a relationship it is, if you cannot express your negative feelings without fearing of loosing her? A very casual one - and it does not sound like you want a casual relationship with her. At least not now. It sounds like you want to stick around hoping she might want something more sometime later. It sounds quite dangerous for your wellbeing... Maybe taking a break would be a good idea? And then if your feeling cool down to the level she now wants, you could be lovers then?
 
I'm no expert on relationship anarchy. The few things I do understand about it kind of describes how I am. Shedding the conventional social definition of relationship. Letting each relationship take it's own course, etc. I don't think being a relationship anarchist means not caring about commitments or other people's feelings.

The whole asking for monogamy, backing out and claiming RA reminds me of mono people who get caught cheating and claim they are now poly. Breaking an agreement is breaking an agreement. If RA means agreements don't matter, then I would not want anything to do with someone who identifies as that. But I don't believe that is what it really means.

So now, in the span of 8 months, she's had 3 "former selves". She started as someone wanting a casual relationship, then wanted monogamy, now full blown RA again. The least she can do is be honest and say she's not sure what she wants.

Now you are trying to figure out how not to be yourself so you don't scare her away. I'm sure she is a great person. You have fun together. The sex is awesome. But one person wanting a relationship while the other doesn't isn't exactly being compatible on a most basic level. It's very frustrating.

I've been down this road in a slightly different configuration.
 
Obviously, it's hard to know what's going on in someone else's relationship, but here's my guess.

You two are very compatible and had great NRE. That early on excitement lead you both to have thoughts of "I found my one and only". The slight bit of geographic distance tends helps with that -- not too far that weekend visits are difficult, but far enough that you never have to deal with each other's daily existence. In that powerful emotional place, you both cast off some of your own selves and identities, including relationship style.

That NRE probably wore off sooner for her than for you. She may have acted poorly in how she handled these feelings, but I think we've all acted poorly when confronted with strong and confusing feelings. It does seem that she at least informed you of her exit from monogamy before she actually did it, which to me shows she was acting with integrity even if she wasn't being very empathetic.

One thing about Poly is that you can have a partner for life and they do not have to be your whole world. I would suggest a few things that might help you through this challenge -- consider therapy with a poly-friendly therapist, if she will come with you so much the better. Talk with her and communicate your feelings (read up on NVC if you aren't familiar with it). Find other outlets to fulfill your life -- hobbies, friends and lovers.
 
Thanks everybody for sharing your thoughts.

I think my initial post was way too long and not focused enough and shared some things that I'd rather keep more private even on an anonymous message board. I partly wrote it to vent. Also keep in mind that it was my perspective in a state of emotional distress and probably does not represent the whole story in a fair way. I would like to heavily revise the initial post now to make it much more focused, but I think I can't edit it anymore. (If there's a moderator who could help me with that, please PM me.)

What I'd appreciate in people's responses is NOT an analysis of the personal character of my myself or my lover, the closeness of our connection, the reasonableness of her actions, or the merit of our relationship -- I have friends who know me and her much better and are better suited to offer such advice.

What I WOULD appreciate is stories and advice from people who are currently in long-term poly relationships that are emotionally close and loving, but that are also long-distance or do not involve living together or at the very least are nothing like traditional marriages. What was it like to deal with the initial NRE dropoff with your partner, especially if one partner's NRE dropped off more sharply than the other's? What changed about the relationship, what stayed the same, what became better over time, and how did you manage the transition? Advice is particularly appreciated if it comes from people who can at least somewhat relate to or accept the perspective that it is not morally wrong to break a commitment. So if you dealt with an NRE dropoff by committing formally to particular long-term relationship agreements, this information while interesting to me would be comparatively less helpful.



Responses to specific people are below.

Nettle -- I agree with your point. We are taking somewhat of a break in that we were previously seeing each other every two weeks, and this weekend I would ordinarily be seeing her but am not. Next weekend -- unclear whether I'll see her or not. But we are still communicating by phone, text, and email. I think I can express my feelings to her, I just have to be careful about when and how I do it. I agree that if I can't express my feelings to her at all without losing her, then it's not a worthwhile relationship. In general I have a problem getting along with many people because I value open-ness more than most people do, and this has been a friction in our relationship already, when I have shared things more than she might prefer or at times that were bad for her.



Vinsanity -- very interested to hear about your related experience either here or by private message.



cwpoly -- Partly true. I agree with your insight regarding the geographic distance -- very helpful, thanks. But the feeling that her NRE wore off first is not entirely true. It's that her NRE wore off more strongly than mine did, and she dealt with that differently from how I think I would deal with it. I had already noticed a couple months previously that my NRE was wearing off slightly. I told her this and this is part of why she requested the monogamy if I understand correctly. But then her NRE wore off much more strongly a couple months later while mine was still somewhat strong. Besides this I've had one other relationship that went more than 6 months (it was almost two years and monogamous). I do remember my NRE wearing off a bit around 2 months and a bit more around 6 months, but these changes in NRE did not greatly affect how much time I wanted to spend with the person or the overall dynamic of the relationship. I think I am maybe less prone to sharp drop-offs in NRE than others are though I only have these two examples to draw from.

Thank you for your suggestions. I don't think she'll likely come to therapy with me, but I am considering it for myself and am aware of the poly-friendly therapists directories. I agree about communicating my feelings. I've read a bit about NVC and don't think it's quite a match for my personal communication style and values, but I do want to find ways to communicate my feelings in an appropriate way. I will reread my material on NVC perhaps as there may be some aspects of it that I can use. And I have been spending a lot of time with other friends this past week, and that has been helpful. Don't have any other lovers to speak of currently unfortunately and I'm not in an emotional state to be seeking out first dates with others right now though I hope that will change soon. One of the friends I'm talking to is someone I've been intimate with in the past, but she lives very far away.
 
Hi Socrates,

It sounds like you are really struggling with some hurt feelings right now, and wondering how you can be more accepting of your girlfriend's decision to abandon the monogamous agreement in your relationship with her. It seems to me that you can make decisions that will lead to a change in circumstances, and that the right circumstances might foster a change in how you feel. But all this is a very gradual process, you can't just change your emotions at will. Perhaps one thing to consider in the short term is, do you want to move to live much closer to your girlfriend so that you don't have to have the long-distance factor compounding things. These are just a few initial thoughts I have, and if you can keep us posted on this thread, I may be able to think of some additional advice.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I'm sorry. She has treated you very badly. It's odd for a supposedly RA poly person to commit to monogamy after a few months, and then, 2 months later, break the agreement because she met a new and shiny.

That must hurt a LOT.
 
Okay. So there were a couple of other factors that I was kind of keeping private or keeping out to keep down the length of the initial post, that I think I have to mention here to give people a more complete picture. I'm not violating any privacy agreement by sharing these things, I just wanted to keep them private initially. I appreciate all the sympathy, but I don't want to portray her in too negative of a light.

We had made pseudo-commitments in the past that were technically statements of present values and predictions of future behavior, to fit in with her general anti-commitment framework. For instance we made a non-committal plan to see each other every two weekends. She claimed when she broke the monogamy commitment that she understood it to be one of these statements of present values and predictions of future behavior, rather than a more standard sort of commitment. I understood differently. Communication error at least in part.

While we were monogamous, I went to the Burning Man festival for a week while she stayed home. For that week period we agreed (I thought amicably -- I wouldn't have wanted it if I knew she was at all uncomfortable with it, and I told her so at the time we agreed to it, although she later told me she was uncomfortable with it and felt she couldn't say no) to a one-week partial suspension of the monogamy. We had discussed previously when we made the monogamy agreement that such a suspension might take place during Burning Man. The gist was that we were allowed to kiss and cuddle with people but no direct genital stimulation. So I went to Burning Man and hugged some naked or partly naked people and did some sensual touch workshops, staying within our rules. And meanwhile she had New and Shiny over to her place one night for an overnight and kissed him while staying within our rules. Then when I got back from Burning Man, she told me that she wanted to go on to have sex with New and Shiny rather than keep it to a one-time makeout session. I objected strongly, but she didn't give me a choice in the matter.

Another factor is that she has moderately severe mental health issues in the anxiety spectrum (generalized anxiety, OCD, and more) which are somewhat connected to her erratic behavior. I knew about this fully going into the relationship, and I accepted it (and still do accept it) as a part of her personality that I am willing to embrace.


Kevin --

Yeah, moving closer is not really an option. I have a very good job here that I wouldn't want to give up. And similarly she has a very good job and a circle of friends in her city that she wouldn't want to move away from. I moved to my current city from another city that I loved dearly in order to take this job. I do think I might eventually give up the job to move to her city; I had previously considered that I might do that if we were still dating after a few years especially since I really like her circle of friends. But given the costs involved, the present seems like an inappropriate time to move with our future relationship so uncertain. I think she would react badly, too -- see it as me trying to be closer to her just as she's distancing herself from me.

I agree that I can't just change my emotions at will. Sometimes I have trouble remembering and acknowledging that. I agree that it's a gradual process to set up circumstances that lead to a change of emotions. So I guess the question is how do I navigate my relationship with her while I'm going through that process. I don't want to just avoid seeing her for months or however long it takes until my emotions are completely adjusted, if ever.


Magdlyn --
Thank you for your sympathy. It does hurt a lot. I've been quite devastated and unable to sleep well. But I also appreciate that it's a wonderful opportunity for personal growth and to understand our relationship better. What makes it harder is that because of her philosophical beliefs around commitments she doesn't want to say that she did anything wrong, nor does she want me to believe she did anything wrong at least with regard to breaking the commitment. She has noticed that her behavior fits into a pattern that she wants to understand better and change. She does recognize that I feel hurt and that it is connected to her actions, and she did apologize for misleading me early in our relationship into thinking that she could be okay with a more traditional relationship style. But she's not willing to take blame or responsibility for my pain with regard to her commitment-breaking. I don't mind conceding that to her as a technical philosophical point in our particular case, as I don't have as much stake in the philosophical concepts involved as she does. But I still emotionally feel that I have been wronged and I don't know the best way to address that feeling to her since she really doesn't want to hear it.
 
Last edited:
Thanks for explaining a bit about the sort of "temporary agreement" you two made when you went to Burning Man.

Sorry things got all confused around that.

When I read your OP, I did stop and think, Why on earth is a polyamorous relationship anarchist making a monogamous commitment (temporary or not) after a few months of a relationship?

My thought is that it was the old devil, NRE, which can make people do and say odd things. Sometimes hurtful things.

The hormones at work in our brains during NRE cause bonding. Cause a need or strong desire to spend as much time as possible with the new person, and when not together, to spend a lot of time texting or otherwise communicating long distance.

So I think your gf was fooled by her hormones into forgetting she is deep down polyamorous. And she agreed to monogamy (for a year). You believed it was a firm commitment. I bet she did too, at first. But it seems it turned out to be just a rash, infatuated, romantic notion.

It was only later when she knew you'd be off being wild at Burning Man, getting touchy feely with folks, she took the opportunity to do some wild stuff on her own. THEN, NRE again, this time with New and Shiny. After the fact, after breaking your agreement by wanting to have sex with him, she made excuses that the agreement wasn't a firm commitment at all (her NRE for you now being over, I guess), it was merely "a statement of current values and prediction of future behavior." Whatever that means.

There are issues discussed here around "being poly" being used as an excuse for cheating, or an excuse for NRE addiction. Which may be the case here, unfortunately.
 
Hi Socrates,

Weren't the two of you seeing each other every two weekends at one point? Could you go back to that schedule? I am thinking that might be the way to navigate the relationship with her, while waiting for your emotions to catch up. It doesn't sound like you can negotiate commitments with her, all you can know is that she doesn't take commitments as seriously as you do. And either it's something you can live with, or not.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top