Dealing with a jealous & possessive bond

T

thebride6781

New member
This is my first time posting. I have been in a relationship with a polyamorous man for the last 5 months. I am currently monogamous and I am 100% accepting of my partner's lifestyle. He and I live together and we are very happy. Additionally, I have met and get along with the other women in his life except one. "Jane" is married and in her early 40s and she was not at all happy about my partner and I moving in together. Side ore: I have a child from a previous relationship and my partner has been an amazing paternal figure. Anyway, recently Jane expressed her jealousy over the situation. She resents that my partner has bonded with my child as well as my family and she also resents that he spends majority of his time with me. Jane complains about not spending time with my partner and feels "left out". I've asked my partner why he doesn't spend time with Jane considering that her husband is aware of the arrangements and that everyone is on the know.

Jane believes that I am manipulating my partner and that I am using my child as a way to keep him. My partner and I have tried to tell her that this is not the case but Jane doesn't care. I tried to be understanding and supportive but after insulting me and throwing her jealousy at me I gave up. I had hoped that my partner would end the relationship but he won't. I believe her to be incredibly possessive and jealous coupled with serious mental health issues. I have blocked her on social media and on my phone because I think that she likes to stalk my partner's other bonds to fuel her jealousy. I wish my partner would stop seeing her but I can't force him to do that.

Question: how do people in the polyamorous community deal with a jealous and possessive person?
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

I tried to be understanding and supportive but after insulting me and throwing her jealousy at me I gave up. I had hoped that my partner would end the relationship but he won't.
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I think you could say something like...

"Jane's behaviors bother me. I need to be separate from that.

It would be easiest on me if you ended it with her entirely so neither of us deals in Jane behaviors. But I won't ask you to break up with her. I AM going to ask that if you choose to keep on seeing her, you keep all the "Jane stuff" separate. I only need to know about calendar and safer sex practices. Your Jane problems? I prefer you air that out with other people. I am not the person for that.

If she comes asking me stuff? You can expect me to tell her to talk directly with you.

I'm not the guy for all that. I need to keep me separate." ​

Because if he picks Jane out to date and then spends all his time with you complaining about Jane... that's not really being PRESENT with you when it's (you + him) time. It's still being the "all Jane show."

Question: how do people in the polyamorous community deal with a jealous and possessive person?
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That is how I would deal with it.

If I'm not actually doing the things I'm being accused of? It's the other person is thinking weird stuff? I would attempt to clarify misunderstandings.

If they don't want to clear things up and change their thinking? They still want to think I'm out to get them somehow? I would accept that their thinking is not my problem to solve at that point. I cannot control their thinking. I can control my closeness to that person. So I would separate myself.

If I should bump into her somewhere in town I would do "basic polite" like I do to any stranger -- a grocery clerk, bank teller, etc. But not closer than that and not go out of my way to hang out together. No facebook friends, no email, etc.

If I'm just not around? They cannot think I'm out to get them. I'm not even there! Or they can keep on thinking that... but I don't have to listen to it anymore. Because I'm not even there! Problem solved enough for ME either way.

Since my partner is the one picking out Jane to date? I would expect him to keep all the "him +Jane Stuff" apart from the "him + me" stuff. Which includes any problems or complaints he's having with Jane. Find someone else to air that out with. Not me. I'm not dating her. I don't need to know Jane stuff. The only thing I need to know about are his calendar and his safer sex practices. Then I know not to schedule things when he's busy, and I know how to deal with my own sex health hygiene.

If I've decided Jane "up close" is too weird for me? I'm not interested in getting into more of that. Not "first hand" when dealing with Jane myself nor "second hand" when listening to partner go on about his Jane joys or concerns. I'd check out and just not deal with her behaviors any more. I would make it so her behaviors don't impact me much.

I would also wait and see. Because I pick out who I date. If I see that a dating partner I pick out keeps on getting involved with wonky people? And I don't want to be around that? And they cannot keep things "separate" enough and it keeps leaking over on to me causing drama?

I have to conclude that I cannot be around this dating partner and still maintain my peace of mind. They do behaviors that stress me out severely. So I would stop dating them to be free of the stress. I'd stop picking them out.

Galagirl
 
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Hi there.

Firstly, welcome to the forums. I'm relatively new to the concept of polyamory myself but I've found this forum to be more authentic of the issues surrounding polyamory than most other resources out there.

With very little personal experience to draw on, I still suspect that your best course of action is to let your partner and your metamor figure it out on their own. Interference on your part, even well-intentioned actions from you are likely to be perceived with negative conotations when such crippling jealousy is present.

It can be hard for someone in Jane's position to share what was her previously monogamous boyfriend. Plenty of examples on this forum even of very experienced polyamorists who have gone through surprising difficulties in this area. Not excusing the behaviour. Just commenting that it happens. If you're interested in links to such stories by others, feel free to send me a private mesage.
 
Re (from thebride6781):
"I've asked my partner why he doesn't spend time with Jane considering that her husband is aware of the arrangements and that everyone is in the know."
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And what did your partner say when you asked him this question?
 
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GalaGirl, your reply is on point and I thoroughly appreciate it!
 
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