MonoSwinger
New member
I have written and rewritten and scrapped this and started over again so many times so that it wouldn’t be so long, but I just can’t help it… sorry! If anyone is interested in reading this whole thing, I’d appreciate some perspective and insight.
Shortly after entering the swinger lifestyle a couple of years ago, I and my husband of 15 years met a couple that we quickly became “Friends with Benefits” with. My husband and I had always been completely monogamous with each other – no cheating or sex outside the marriage ever. So this was an interesting shift for us and we were very cautious about it. We had many in-depth conversations about what we were doing and how we would always check in to ensure the situation was working for all involved.
We had similar conversations with the other couple. In fact, in the beginning, all four of us communicated several times a week by text, email and Facebook – and we shared all of these communications freely among the four of us. They were similarly inexperienced in the swinger scene, married for many years, seemingly very devoted to one another, and were processing things in much the same way we were. Gradually as the NRE rubbed off, those communications diminished and all but ceased. What I was completely unaware of was that my husband’s communications with the other woman not only continued, but increased – in both frequency and emotional intensity.
A few months ago, I discovered that my husband and the woman in the other couple are in love with each other and now consider themselves polyamorous. I am still in a sexual relationship with the husband. This has been enjoyable, we have respect and admiration for each other, a great friendship and sexual chemistry… but no deep feelings of intimacy for one another, which is what the four of us ALL agreed would be our boundary at the outset of our relationship.
Clearly, this has changed for my husband and the other woman, which is upsetting to me in and of itself. But what is really killing me is that he hid his evolving feelings for this woman for so long. He never brought up that things were changing for him. I had to figure it out on my own at an outdoor party last summer. In the middle of a conversation with him, he excused himself to go get a drink on the other side of the yard. Ten minutes later, I went inside to use the bathroom and saw them in the darkened dining room, holding each other in the darkness. She was in his arms, their faces inches apart and she was in tears. What I saw in their faces was unmistakable and I felt my stomach drop. I heard her telling him that she thought her marriage was over and she was afraid she would lose my husband too. I left them alone but later asked my husband what was going on. At first, he was very vague and tried to make it sound like he had not even talked to her at the party. When I confronted him with what I saw, he confirmed that they loved each other and even admitted that they made plans to get together the day after the party to talk further (without telling either me or her husband they were going to meet). Upon further investigation, I confirmed that this has been going on for a very long time. They are now at the point where they cannot go more than a couple of hours without chatting with each other – or more than a couple of days without seeing one another. Meanwhile, her relationship with her husband is deteriorating. Surprise surprise.
I have NEVER EVER been a jealous or insecure person. Seeing my husband with other women… kissing, sex, canoodling in a hot tub, getting and giving massages… whatever… It’s all good. I feel proud of him and happy for him when I see women get turned on by him and clamor to be near him. But this is different. Very different. Even in this situation, I am not jealous or insecure. I am deeply deeply hurt. And angry. Deeply hurt and angry that my husband knew what our boundaries were and he knowingly exceeded them with NO DISCUSSION WHATSOEVER. Hurt and angry that she would go running to my husband to declare her love for him after just having had a fight with her husband – instead of, oh I don’t know, maybe trying to work things out with HER spouse????
My husband says he still loves me, that I’m still his life partner and that he has no intention of leaving me, but that his relationship with her is so important to him that he cannot end it – he has a commitment to her. How did he make a commitment to another woman without discussing it with his wife????!! She says the same exact thing… that she has no desire to take my husband away from me or leave her own husband (I guess they are working on their difficulties) but she can’t give up her relationship with my husband – or take it back to the Friends With Benefits/Swinger level that we started at (which would really be my ideal solution). But my husband leaving me for her is not what worries me. What I’m concerned about is how I can maintain a marriage with a man I can’t trust, particularly when he is continuing a relationship with a woman I can’t trust. How can I still consider him my soulmate when he has kept such important things from me. “Oh gee honey, I have fallen in love with another woman… that’s not something we need to actually TALK about, is it??” I question how anyone can seriously call themselves polyamorous when they have a complete aversion to being open and honest about what they are doing and why.
Now, several months after that party, I’m at the point where I can’t even stand to be around the two of them, I can’t even look at her without feeling disgust and a sinking feeling in my stomach. I avoid “sleepovers” with the other couple because the sound of her making love to my husband from what she calls “their” bedroom is devastating. I am deeply depressed and it’s affecting many areas of my life… including my friendship and sex life with the other husband. I might have been able to deal with this development if my husband had been upfront about it while it was developing. But he wasn’t and he doesn’t get why that is such an important point to me. He seems irritated and confused that I have an issue with this. He will not acknowledge that he has done anything wrong. He will not admit that I am justified to feel hurt by this. I feel like I’ve had the rug pulled out from under me… I have tried to communicate with them about this but they all think this is no big deal. The wife feels like I made choices (the swinging relationship) that led to this situation so I shouldn’t complain. Her husband wants to keep having sex with me and is willing to put up with the situation so he can continue to do that. They all think that it’s my fault I’m not satisfied with the relationship in its current incarnation because I chose to keep emotional distance between me and the other husband rather than pursuing a more polyamorous relationship with him. I feel like no one understands – or really cares – what I’m going through and I don’t know how to get over it on my own.
The additional complication is that I am a freelancer who regularly does work for the company the wife owns... Our finances are such that I need to continue working with her company to avoid financial ruin. So I feel like I need to go along with whatever they want and not rock the boat. Yes, I know it’s a stupid idea to mix business and pleasure… But I trusted her at that time. Clearly I was out of my mind.
Anyway, not really sure what to do next. Still feel like I am stuck in limbo. My choices are what? Try to suck it up so I don’t mess up the good thing they have going? Tell them all to go to hell, divorce my husband and try to find someone who values honesty instead? Keep trying to work something out that works for everyone? I don't even know how that would be possible at this point. Ugh! Such a mess. Thanks for listening to my long-winded rant.
Shortly after entering the swinger lifestyle a couple of years ago, I and my husband of 15 years met a couple that we quickly became “Friends with Benefits” with. My husband and I had always been completely monogamous with each other – no cheating or sex outside the marriage ever. So this was an interesting shift for us and we were very cautious about it. We had many in-depth conversations about what we were doing and how we would always check in to ensure the situation was working for all involved.
We had similar conversations with the other couple. In fact, in the beginning, all four of us communicated several times a week by text, email and Facebook – and we shared all of these communications freely among the four of us. They were similarly inexperienced in the swinger scene, married for many years, seemingly very devoted to one another, and were processing things in much the same way we were. Gradually as the NRE rubbed off, those communications diminished and all but ceased. What I was completely unaware of was that my husband’s communications with the other woman not only continued, but increased – in both frequency and emotional intensity.
A few months ago, I discovered that my husband and the woman in the other couple are in love with each other and now consider themselves polyamorous. I am still in a sexual relationship with the husband. This has been enjoyable, we have respect and admiration for each other, a great friendship and sexual chemistry… but no deep feelings of intimacy for one another, which is what the four of us ALL agreed would be our boundary at the outset of our relationship.
Clearly, this has changed for my husband and the other woman, which is upsetting to me in and of itself. But what is really killing me is that he hid his evolving feelings for this woman for so long. He never brought up that things were changing for him. I had to figure it out on my own at an outdoor party last summer. In the middle of a conversation with him, he excused himself to go get a drink on the other side of the yard. Ten minutes later, I went inside to use the bathroom and saw them in the darkened dining room, holding each other in the darkness. She was in his arms, their faces inches apart and she was in tears. What I saw in their faces was unmistakable and I felt my stomach drop. I heard her telling him that she thought her marriage was over and she was afraid she would lose my husband too. I left them alone but later asked my husband what was going on. At first, he was very vague and tried to make it sound like he had not even talked to her at the party. When I confronted him with what I saw, he confirmed that they loved each other and even admitted that they made plans to get together the day after the party to talk further (without telling either me or her husband they were going to meet). Upon further investigation, I confirmed that this has been going on for a very long time. They are now at the point where they cannot go more than a couple of hours without chatting with each other – or more than a couple of days without seeing one another. Meanwhile, her relationship with her husband is deteriorating. Surprise surprise.
I have NEVER EVER been a jealous or insecure person. Seeing my husband with other women… kissing, sex, canoodling in a hot tub, getting and giving massages… whatever… It’s all good. I feel proud of him and happy for him when I see women get turned on by him and clamor to be near him. But this is different. Very different. Even in this situation, I am not jealous or insecure. I am deeply deeply hurt. And angry. Deeply hurt and angry that my husband knew what our boundaries were and he knowingly exceeded them with NO DISCUSSION WHATSOEVER. Hurt and angry that she would go running to my husband to declare her love for him after just having had a fight with her husband – instead of, oh I don’t know, maybe trying to work things out with HER spouse????
My husband says he still loves me, that I’m still his life partner and that he has no intention of leaving me, but that his relationship with her is so important to him that he cannot end it – he has a commitment to her. How did he make a commitment to another woman without discussing it with his wife????!! She says the same exact thing… that she has no desire to take my husband away from me or leave her own husband (I guess they are working on their difficulties) but she can’t give up her relationship with my husband – or take it back to the Friends With Benefits/Swinger level that we started at (which would really be my ideal solution). But my husband leaving me for her is not what worries me. What I’m concerned about is how I can maintain a marriage with a man I can’t trust, particularly when he is continuing a relationship with a woman I can’t trust. How can I still consider him my soulmate when he has kept such important things from me. “Oh gee honey, I have fallen in love with another woman… that’s not something we need to actually TALK about, is it??” I question how anyone can seriously call themselves polyamorous when they have a complete aversion to being open and honest about what they are doing and why.
Now, several months after that party, I’m at the point where I can’t even stand to be around the two of them, I can’t even look at her without feeling disgust and a sinking feeling in my stomach. I avoid “sleepovers” with the other couple because the sound of her making love to my husband from what she calls “their” bedroom is devastating. I am deeply depressed and it’s affecting many areas of my life… including my friendship and sex life with the other husband. I might have been able to deal with this development if my husband had been upfront about it while it was developing. But he wasn’t and he doesn’t get why that is such an important point to me. He seems irritated and confused that I have an issue with this. He will not acknowledge that he has done anything wrong. He will not admit that I am justified to feel hurt by this. I feel like I’ve had the rug pulled out from under me… I have tried to communicate with them about this but they all think this is no big deal. The wife feels like I made choices (the swinging relationship) that led to this situation so I shouldn’t complain. Her husband wants to keep having sex with me and is willing to put up with the situation so he can continue to do that. They all think that it’s my fault I’m not satisfied with the relationship in its current incarnation because I chose to keep emotional distance between me and the other husband rather than pursuing a more polyamorous relationship with him. I feel like no one understands – or really cares – what I’m going through and I don’t know how to get over it on my own.
The additional complication is that I am a freelancer who regularly does work for the company the wife owns... Our finances are such that I need to continue working with her company to avoid financial ruin. So I feel like I need to go along with whatever they want and not rock the boat. Yes, I know it’s a stupid idea to mix business and pleasure… But I trusted her at that time. Clearly I was out of my mind.
Anyway, not really sure what to do next. Still feel like I am stuck in limbo. My choices are what? Try to suck it up so I don’t mess up the good thing they have going? Tell them all to go to hell, divorce my husband and try to find someone who values honesty instead? Keep trying to work something out that works for everyone? I don't even know how that would be possible at this point. Ugh! Such a mess. Thanks for listening to my long-winded rant.
