Dealing with grief

[ICanBeStunning]

A month ago, an important member of my family died. My emotions since have been mixed. I'm struggling with the sadness I feel, and I am less interested in seeing or even talking to the partners I do have. My interest in physical intimacy is almost completely gone.

Part of this is probably the nature of the relationships in my mind. While I don't do hierarchy, none of these relationships or budding friendships are particularly significant to me.

Now last weekend, during the one month mark, I felt particularly off. Earlier in the week I made a tentative date with a long term play partner, but never confirmed, and failed to communicate with him over the entire weekend. He was pretty understanding, and after I explained that I was still in mourning over my loss he told me to take all the time that I needed before setting up another meet up.

This was great until he followed up with a sexually explicit message after saying that. It centered his needs. I found it in poor taste. I didn't say anything.

The large part of me does not want to say anything ever again. I think that an adult person should know better than to say something like this to someone who just expressed that they're experiencing deep sadness over a loss.

I'm aware that my culture is different, that mourning is a deeper and ongoing process for us. It doesn't help that I am seriously confused about what I feel. Over the last month I really focused on losing myself in activities and was barely aware that this was how my sadness was manifesting. I feel that I owe something to the rest of my family but I'm not sure where to start.

This keeps happening. In spite of expressing to people that I'm experiencing grief from a loss, I constantly receive inappropriate messages from those very people. They send me flirty, or sexually charged texts, and I'm honestly disgusted by this. I get the sense that I'm being perceived as a sexual object, and not a full person.

Am I missing something here? Is there a better way to express myself in this last situation? My play partner noted some distance from me. I agreed with him, and told him that I'm a bit depressed over this loss. I'm just wondering what about this would imply that I was open to receiving a sexually charged message in response.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello ICanBeStunning,
I am sorry for your loss.

I don't think you're doing anything to invite the sexually-charged messages you're receiving, like you I am confused about what is prompting them. It almost seems like you are dealing with people who are not good at putting themselves in other people's shoes, I don't want to assume the worst about people, but that is how it seems. Is it possible that they think sex will cheer you up? I don't know.

I suppose you could respond to them with something like, "I'm sorry, but I would rather not think about anything sexual at this time. Please refrain from sending me flirty messages." From there you could only hope that they would honor your request. If they don't, I guess that would tell you something about them.

I know that grief is a process, you can't just wish it away, you have to go through the stages of grief. Anyone who loves you should be able to understand that about you. Hang in there ...

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am so sorry for your loss.

Part of this is probably the nature of the relationships in my mind. While I don't do hierarchy, none of these relationships or budding friendships are particularly significant to me.

This keeps happening. In spite of expressing to people that I'm experiencing grief from a loss, I constantly receive inappropriate messages from those very people. They send me flirty, or sexually charged texts, and I'm honestly disgusted by this. I get the sense that I'm being perceived as a sexual object, and not a full person.

You'd think people would get that "hitting on mourning people" is rude/inappropriate. Sheesh!

I think you are going to have to spell it out and say "I'm in deep mourning. Please do not send sexual stuff to me right now. I need time and space. I will let you know when I'm open to that again."

Alternately if these people are disgusting you? And the relationships aren't esp significant? Could let them go.

"I'm sorry. I'm in deep mourning. I find I need time and space on my own so I have to make you aware that we need to part ways. I enjoyed knowing you. Thank you."

Or similar.

You can end it so you can be free of these annoyances, esp when at a difficult time. It's ok to do that -- to choose to lighten your load in those areas since you now have a burden in this other one.

It might not be the only thing you do, but it's a place to start. If you are having a super hard time, maybe consider seeing a grief counselor if you are able?

Galagirl

 

[ElMango]

I want to start with saying I'm sorry for your loss and Im always here for you. I have also been where you are; and I only really processed it this year, 13 years after the death happened. Grief is something you carry with you.

A month ago, an important member of my family died. My emotions since have been mixed. I'm struggling with the sadness I feel, and I am less interested in seeing or even talking to the partners I do have. My interest in physical intimacy is almost completely gone.

This is a normal reaction to grief. It is okay to feel these things. My advice would be to not withdraw yourself even though you want to. Emotional and mental stimulation and intimacy can help process things; and at least keep some of the sadness away. Even if it's just cuddling or movie watching and reading in the same room, it can help.

Part of this is probably the nature of the relationships in my mind. While I don't do hierarchy, none of these relationships or budding friendships are particularly significant to me.

This is also normal. If they're not significant to you, they won't feel like you want to see them. Pick one or two who you can do simple stuff with; or not turn to them and turn to someone else you care about.

This was great until he followed up with a sexually explicit message after saying that. It centered his needs. I found it in poor taste. I didn't say anything.

You didn't consent to his texts; you sound like you basically explained that you needed space FROM that. Sounds reasonable to be pissed and hurt. I'd wait until you decide if you want to never talk to him again. Let yourself think about it.
Whether your culture mourns differently than his is something he should be respecting, but your no should have been enough.

It doesn't help that I am seriously confused about what I feel. Over the last month I really focused on losing myself in activities and was barely aware that this was how my sadness was manifesting. I feel that I owe something to the rest of my family but I'm not sure where to start.

Tell your family this, say that you're mourning and you're feeling confused and need some time to process and you'll try to not be as distant but may need some help. Sometimes we just need to jump in to an explanation.

This keeps happening. In spite of expressing to people that I'm experiencing grief from a loss, I constantly receive inappropriate messages from those very people. They send me flirty, or sexually charged texts, and I'm honestly disgusted by this. I get the sense that I'm being perceived as a sexual object, and not a full person.

If oyu want, send a text to them. Say something like, "You have not respected that I am grieving and need space from this. This behavior has hurt me and I need space from our relationship." You then never have to respond to them again if you want. Take the space from people who aren't respecting you, that you need.

The only thing I'd say you may be missing is some help processing. Therapy may be helpful if you can, or even just talking about it with someone.

 

[Marcus]

This keeps happening. In spite of expressing to people that I'm experiencing grief from a loss, I constantly receive inappropriate messages from those very people. They send me flirty, or sexually charged texts, and I'm honestly disgusted by this. I get the sense that I'm being perceived as a sexual object, and not a full person.

I don't know your story, so I don't know who these people are to you or how well you know each other, but it seems like you don't know them very well. The reason I say this is because whatever hints you are putting out there are clearly not being picked up. Add to that, you don't sound like you are comfortable enough with these people to speak plainly.

"I'm not interested in flirty stuff. Please don't send me any of this stuff again until I give you the green light."

Don't hint and nudge, just tell them outright. There's no reason to be mean or cruel, just lay out your boundaries clearly. One of two things will happen, they will prove to you that they don't give a shit about you and do it anyway, or they will prove to you that they are functional adults, and they will stop sending you that stuff immediately.

We leave a lot of room for hurt feelings and resentment (which you are building now) when we hint and hope that the world around us will behave the way we want them to behave.

I'd wait until you decide if you want to never talk to him again. Let yourself think about it.

In an emotionally chaotic moment, certainly one that is temporary, I would strongly suggest not making any more life altering decisions than necessary.

 

[ICanBeStunning]

Thank you all, this has been very helpful. I didn't actually have this this experience before, and it was difficult for me to find the words to express myself. For my own reasons, I'm not really emotionally open, and at times this language escapes me.

 

[kdt26417]

Hopefully you now have some ideas of how you can word things ... if we can be of further help, we'll be here.

 

[Maur]

Let me say that long time ago in a age before internet i read accounts on how mourning can tear people apart, close people, because we differ in how we process a loss and we are very sensitive in that period and less understanding. The account i remember, vaguely, was of a married couple that was very close and lost a child (the man bottled up the woman was more expressive and both expected the other to do the same thing, non-verbally)

That said:

The large part of me does not want to say anything ever again. I think that an adult person should know better than to say something like this to someone who just expressed that they're experiencing deep sadness over a loss.

This is quite judgemental on your part and i'll be too: that's very immature of you to react by not communicating. Not very adult, as you would say.

Keep in mind what i wrote above. People in bad places are often acting less constructively. I want to mainly point to you that if you communicate this you probably will have better outcomes for yourself.

And yeah, i think you expectation is quite standart. But well, life is hard so you need to drive the point home to get what you want.

Am I missing something here? Is there a better way to express myself in this last situation? My play partner noted some distance from me. I agreed with him, and told him that I'm a bit depressed over this loss. I'm just wondering what about this would imply that I was open to receiving a sexually charged message in response.

Dunno about your partner, but there are various explanations. Maybe they weren't that good at processing their anxiety about your connection. Maybe they were inconsiderate. Maybe they don't have experience with grief and don't really have intuitive understanding how it works. Maybe they do process grief differently, some people do the opposite of what you are doing. I don't know, you probably don't either since it's just a play partner. Maybe talk some more? Or ignore it? Or cut off contact and feel your hurt? Whatever you prefer, whatever will bring the best outcome.

EDIT/ Oh so i am late to the thread. Sorry.