Thank you for more info.
SHORT VERSION
I hope you feel better for airing out. I think the only one who can really answer if your heart is in this is YOU. So you might want to take a time out to do your soul searching to figure out what you want from your romances before you bring on another person into the mix (the O lady you have a date with soon). Be super honest with yourself and with T. Start talking PLAIN with T.
LONG VERSION
I know T has some perfect vision of poly, that V and I will be best buds and all live together as one big happy family, I don't see this happening, I like being in a place where I live with my family who I love, and I don't want to live with basically a roommate, who happens to be T's other boyfriend.
Is this just her spouting NRE lala goofy talk? Or is this a real conversation?
Because if she's not spouting goofy stuff, and this is areal conversation? And you don't want to live with other people that are her poly partners? Best you just state it flat out. Just a PLAIN and HONEST "No, thanks. I don't want to live with poly partners. That would be a dealbreaker for me. "
No point in beating around the bush on that.
I don't know how that will work if she decides she wants to live with him at some point, she's a big believer in relationship equality, whilst I would prefer to be known as primary so that's tough to think about that one day she may want to live with him over me. Let alone that we are trying to keep the poly thing secret as we live in a very judgey society for parents.
Which is why I think if you are feeling overwhelmed a lot right now? How about dealing with the things front of you?
And whatever daydream stuff... she can daydream on her own and only bring you "real right now" kind of conversations. It's just not possible to solve ALL the things in one go and you are experiencing a different journey than her.
I screwed up this week, I got really down and read through T's messages, it was stupid and a massive invasion of privacy. She found out and its been hard to deal with, I normally would never do something like that and I'm really annoyed with myself, I should be better than that. It hurts even more because it feels like that pushed her away some at a time when I need her as close as possible. I really hope we can work past it, she thinks we can but will need some time to rebuild trust.
It's good she's willing to work past this and rebuild trust. You seem willing to do it too.
Take step back from this episode and look at how it unfolded.
If she's coming at you too strong? Full of big life changing plans like move in her new BF? How does THAT behavior help foster trust or stability on your side? Rather than seeming like "Good grief! She's gone bananas!"
On your side... are you not able to state what's you need? "I feel scared. This might be fun to you, but to me, it's like I don't even know this side of you. I need closeness with you. Could I have a hug? I need reassurance. Can we talk?" or similar? Rather than go peeking in her phone looking for answers. Now you feel double load. The lonely/scared from before plus this ashamed thing for peeking.
I encourage you both to start talking PLAIN and HONEST with each other. If you are not good at articulating your feelings and your needs? Well, that's going to be an area of personal growth for you then.
Maybe you can start by printing out NVC need inventory and feeling inventory and circle the ones that apply. So you can communicate more clearly what's going on with you.
www.cnvc.org
www.cnvc.org
On a more positive note I took a big step last night and actually went out for a drink with V, just us, to clear the air, and release some elephants in the room. I referred to him as T's boyfriend, which is a label that seems really tough to deal with, so I think it was good to use it and release some fear. It was an awkward night at times but generally went well I think.
If that helps you, I guess fine. But if hanging around V just brings you more stress, know you don't HAVE to be trying to KTP just because T wants it to end up that way in her "perfect vision."
I guess I can see that I could be poly, I certainly really liked this other girl but I guess for me it feels like tale it or leave it, if T wanted to be mono, I'd be happy with that.
I could be wrong in my impression... but you write like you just do whatever T decides so you can still keep being with T. Rather than be honest about what it is YOU really want. Is that true?
What do YOU want to be doing in YOUR relationships? What do YOU prefer? Maybe after trying poly out this last year you find you think poly is fine for other people, but not for you and you just want monogamy. There is nothing wrong with wanting whatever you want.
But if T is supposed to be your partner and you are not talking honestly and plain with her? Then what's going on in this relationship that you can't?
Equally the theory and motives behind poly I can totally understand and agree with somewhat. It's just handling my feeling about her seeing other people that feels torturous right now. I'm still reeling from the official bf/gf announcement, and I'm terrified of when they have sex (which is coming soon, and will be the first time she'd have been with someone else since we got together. I myself have only ever slept with her in my life so she would've been with more people since we've been together than I've ever been). I don't know how to tell if you are suited to poly, but I'm really scared I'm not and that would mean the end of us.
How did you guys prepare to do poly? Have you read
poly hell?
Yes. It may mean you are not into poly for you. And if T is? And she wants to do poly now? Then that may mean the end of the romance. But you'd still have to co-parent and hopefully find a way to be exes and friends.
Why the big break up fear? Because you've never had to break up before? Something else? What makes it any different than being together monogamously for a time and then one day on partner decides they don't want to do it any more? And the people break up? Are you able to articulate your fears on this?
In other news I have a date this week, I'm looking forward to it but also worried that I've only sought someone else out at this time as a crutch
Well... Are you? Is it a crutch?
I really don't want to go into that date thinking that I need it to go well so I'm not just one of two boyfriends but an actively engaging poly person in relationships, but that's my worry.
Are you saying you are only dating O so you can "count as poly?" somehow?
Do you know it's possible for people to be end points in a V and not date? Like they are monoamorous (want 1 sweetie) and are relationship shape flexible. They can do closed monogamy or be an end point in a V, N, or other poly shape.
You may want to do some soul searching and before this goes deeper. Figure out who YOU are. Then decide if you are doing things that add to your well being or take away from it.
- Monoamorous (desire for 1 sweetie) and monogamous (wants only those 2 people in a 1:1 relationship)
- monogamoous (desire for 1 sweetie) and relationship shape flexible (can happily be in a monogamous thing, a poly thing, etc)
- polyamorous (desire 1 or more sweeties) and relationship shape flexible (can happily be in a monogamous thing, a poly thing, etc)
- polyamorous (desire 1 or more sweeties) and poly relationships (of whatever poly model, V, N, etc)
The more you write, the more concerned I become that you are just floating along into this to stick with T rather than doing it from a joyful place because this is what YOU want to be doing in YOUR romances. Maybe even bending yourself into pretzels to do it.
I want to see how chemistry goes with this new person, O, (who advertises herself as poly) for it's own sake but scared I'll just bring all my recent emotional baggage with me.
Again, I encourage you to be HONEST. ARE you bringing a bunch of emotional baggage on the date with O? If you are not healthy right now, and not sure you even want to be doing this? What's the point of dating at this time? Just to bring in more people to be damage collateral? Use O for a bandaid or free therapist?
Like if you are not interested in getting to know O for O? Don't waste your time or O's time. Could cancel the date and apologize -- that you thought you were ready but aren't.
I guess that's all for tonight as need to sleep, thanks for all the advice/help offered so far. It's lovely to interact with such a helpful community whilst traversing a brave new world with no standard map.
I think your regular map will do. You stick to the things you really want in relationship. You answer to the things you value and when you cannot have the whole set, you answer to your
highest values then. You do not try to bend yourself into pretzels and you only consent to do things from a joyful "yes" kinda place.
Are you doing that here? You may want to do your soul searching and figure out what you want from your romantic relationships. Then see if the ones with T, O, and whoever else actually meet your personal standards or not.
Galagirl