Dealing with jealousy

P

polyfirst

New member
So my gf is talking on the phone with the girl she is seeing next to me in bed and she’s just laughing and she has that tone of voice. You know the tone you get with people you like. Almost a seductive tone. I just feel angry right now and I don’t know how to get rid of it. I don’t have anyone like she does yet and maybe that’s part of it? I’m trying to deal with my insecurities because she doesn’t talk to me like that on the phone because we’ve been dating for 3 years and live together so that honeymoon phase is over. I’m just trying not to think irrationally. It’s so hard.

I just do t want to lash out when she’s off the phone
 
I don't see "jealousy" so much as a reaction to blatant disrespect. Stop name-calling yourself.

I insist on turning off landline voicemail, whether I'm home or visiting. I've had a lover's other partner "accidentally" call while we were fucking & leave a long voicemail "hi... I didn't know if you were still up" message that REALLY killed the mood. :mad: Never again.

Ban electronics from bed. Ban electronics from the bedroom. Ban electronics after bedtime. Unless there's imminent death involved, THERE ARE NO EXCUSES.

If you can't do that, then there's no room to complain.
 
Ravenscroft said:
I don't see "jealousy" so much as a reaction to blatant disrespect. Stop name-calling yourself.
Click to expand...

This was my first reaction too, but i love challenging myself and since I can’t find an answer, i’ll Question you. Why is this disrespect? She loves him, he loves her, she is in love with another, it’s normal for her to feel like that etc. Should she hide what she feels? Or is this a time thing? As in, she’s with him now, she should leave the other lover until it’s her turn?

Again, I feel the same way, but maybe there is room to evolve here? I definitely wouldn’t like to start banning things, that only makes things worse.
 
I just want us to be open with each other. We talked after and it was a really good discussion. We don’t really have boundaries. The more we have the more lies can happen and I don’t want that. Not saying they would but I don’t want to implement more rules. I want to learn from this and how I can feel more compersion. I know I won’t get that far but if we can have multiple partners why can’t they talk on the phone?? She only gets to see this girl a couple times a month so I’m supposed to tell her they can only talk when they see each other? That doesn’t make sense to me
 
I know I won’t get that far but if we can have multiple partners why can’t they talk on the phone?
Click to expand...

They can talk on the phone. But why do it in the bed with you there listening to the honeymoon phase la-las keeping you awake if you need to sleep? :confused:

That's what seemed to bother you. Witnessing "that tone of voice" and feeling envious that you two don't do that any more in the established relationship. Well, if observing that leads to upset? Stop observing it.

And if you two haven't done cuddly things in a while like, make a date/time to to that in.

If it's not bedtime and you walk in on the call? She could ask for bedroom privacy. Or if you walk in and notice the phone conversation happening? You could say "Oh, excuse me" and just give her the privacy.

If it is bedtime and you want to sleep in the bed? You can speak up and ask her to please continue to talk in the living room or some other room so you can get on with your night time routine and get to sleep.

It's basic politeness. Just because you date someone for 3+ years doesn't mean you stop being polite to them.

I want to learn from this and how I can feel more compersion.
Click to expand...

IME, if I feel low, it's hard to feel happy for someone else. It's easier to feel happy for someone else if I'm at least neutral or positive.

I think it is going to feel hard to feel compersion and be happy for her in her new relationship if you neglect to practice compassion for your own self.

If you need to sleep and rest and they are keeping you awake chatting la-las on the phone? I do not think you are gonna feel happy about that. She could be polite and take the call in another room. Or you could advocate for yourself and ask her to move to another room.

We don’t really have boundaries
Click to expand...

Why not? Why don't you want to have healthy personal boundaries?

You seem to confuse personal boundaries with relationship agreements.

The more we have the more lies can happen and I don’t want that. Not saying they would but I don’t want to implement more rules.
Click to expand...

Do you expect your partner to just be honest? And not make agreements they cannot uphold? Like... don't make the agreement in the first place if it is a problem for them to keep?

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Hello polyfirst,

I agree with the others that phone calls in bed probably won't tend to be a good idea. However, I think you are hoping to deal with jealousy as a separate issue and to that end, you could check out one or more of the following.

Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.
Understanding jealousy
How do you achieve compersion?

Jealousy and Insecurity
The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: "First Aid" for Jealousy
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

Hope that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you for all of your replies everyone.

Mainly we don’t have boundaries because there was lying in the past before we became poly and by having no bondaries there has been no lying at all and we are just open and communicating a lot better. We have of course agreements that no one comes to the house but that’s about it. I used to have resentments and trust issues because of the lying so I don’t want to lose that. She doesn’t want to lie but she’s just had issues where if she felt boxed up or felt like she was controlled she just would rather lie then deal with any backlash. That’s the reason for not really any boundaries other than just think of the other person and respect for each other. By doing that we have been stronger than ever.

I’m more just trying to overcome it. I don’t feel that her talking on the phone was wrong. I felt like my actions were just the green eyed monster. Thank you for those links. I’ll check them out. Mainly I’m just dealing w my jealousy which stems from abandonment issues I have and of course comparing myself the other woman. . It’s gotten a lot better. I’m still just trying to figure out the right way to handle situations like this without my feelings getting out of control and getting the better of me. . I feel like the more I’m exposed to it the more it will help me.

I’m actually excited for the next time they talk on the phone or hang out so I have a chance to deal with my inner feelings again and produce a better outcome.

I truly appreciate the replies and support
 
Keep us posted if you're willing, and we can give you updated thoughts and advice. I'm interested in hearing how things go for you in the future.
 
It sounds like you're confusing rules and boundaries, and I recommend googling for the accepted definitions.

Having no personal boundaries is not a good thing, and unless you're hopelessly co-dependant it is probably not true. Would you stay in a relationship with someone who cut one of your toes off with a chainsaw every second Tuesday then saluted it in garlic to feed to their new girlfriend?

No?

Congratulations, you have a personal boundary.
 
I’m not saying I have no personal boundaries. And of course I wouldn’t do that. That’s a bit dramatic. I’m just talking about a phone call. It’s not like I would be ok with them having sex next to me. If something came up we would of course discuss it but we have been doing this for 6 months and so far so good. Most of the time she talks to her when I’m not around. I just dont want to feel jealous if she by chance calls when I’m around. It’s happened this one time which is why I was thrown off by it.
 
Were you thrown off by the call, or by the setting in which the call took place?

Asking your gf not to have phone conversations while in bed with you doesn't mean you're banning all communication or trying to control her other relationship, just that you'd prefer she doesn't a) have intimate conversations that don't concern you where you're forced to overhear them, b) do so in a place that's generally reserved for the two of you to be comfortable together, and c) talk loudly while you're trying to sleep.
 
I think I was more thrown off the call in general. I mean it’s not like she was saying things to her to make me jealous on p It was all just small talk and asking what she was doing for the new year etc. just the fact that she took it and the call lasted for about 45 mins. I think if it happens again and it’s just too much I’ll ask that she take it in the office. I’ll just have to see how I act when something like that happens again. Ill make it into a boundary if it’s too much for me.
 
I realise this is veering from the main point of your topic, but again, I think you're mixing up rules or agreements and boundaries. What do you mean by "make it into a boundary"?
 
polyfirst said:
I’ll just have to see how I act when something like that happens again. Ill make it into a boundary if it’s too much for me.
Click to expand...

Waiting until you're in the heat of the moment again is asking for difficulty that you need not invite. Think now about how you can better know and communicate your boundaries with their intimacy. Don't wait until something sets you off again. Knowing our own boundaries is essential to a healthy relationship and emotionally healthy people have quite a few clear boundaries of which they are well aware. You seem to be afraid of creating an authoritative, fearful atmosphere with too many rules. The thing is, rules often signify unresolved fears and it's best to deal with the fears rather than create all sorts of rules to prevent whatever behavior triggers the fears. But personal boundaries are necessary and helpful - and very different than rules. Knowing that you don't want to intrude on their intimacy, or be intruded upon by their intimacy, is a boundary. There is no upside to forcing yourself to be OK within the presence of their intimacy if you are not. The first pillar of poly wisdom is to know yourself and to honor where you are, right here, right now.
 
I think if it happens again and it’s just too much I’ll ask that she take it in the office.
Click to expand...

There's your personal boundary.

If she's talking on the phone in bed and you want to go to sleep and the call is going on way long or bothering you in some other way? You could obey/uphold your personal boundary. You could ask her to finish the rest of the call in another room like the office so you can get on with your bedtime routine.

You aren't saying she can't talk on the phone. Just asking she give you some space too. It is not unreasonable.

Nothing about the request is "boxing her up" so she has to lie. If she prefers to take it in the kitchen rather than the office, she can do that.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
I feel like the answer to the question is twofold.

1) Yes, it might be possible to get rid of feeling jealous about hearing "that tone of voice" - especially if the two of you find some romance again. That way it doesn't stir up your insecurities to hear them talking. (However, it's in no way necessary to reach perfection on that, they can also keep their private talk to themselves.)
2) Even with no jealousy present, it's still respectful for your gf to go answer the phone to another room, just as she perhaps would if it was her mom or her boss calling. That way you are not bothered by someone being on the phone next to you and can focus on your own stuff to do.

Also, consider that her gf on the other side of the phone doesn't know that you are listening, may be convinced that she's having a private call with her gf and say things that are not quite for your ears - and by that I don't mean lies, just a way of talking or private matters you'd naturally refrain from with a third person present. It's quite hurtful to find out in the middle of an emotional conversation where you're being vulnerable with your partner that someone else has been listening to one side of the call all along. So for the sake of her privacy, have your gf go to another room if the conversation is getting any significant.
 
Yeah that is all so true and very clear to me. I need to set these personal boundaries for her if it’s too much for me. I asked her just now and she says if it happens again she will have no problem taking it elsewhere so that’s good.

I want to try to self learn before it happens again and confront why I’m having these feelings. It’s not like we don’t have romance. It’s just not the nre and I have a feeling she will continue the nre feelings because they don’t get to see each other that much and we live together so I have to understand that part of it is to fix my issues to lessen the feelings I’m getting. I know it’s normal to have jealousy feelings. I think another part too is I found out she wants to do bdsm stuff with her and just can’t do it with me so I’m just trying to be understanding of her needs and wants. I just want to be able to feel these negative feelings and release them and not have a bad blow out. I so appreciate the advice. It is all so helpful.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top