Dealing with misogynistic thoughts

G

grahsar

New member
I am in a lesbian relationship with a partner of 7 years. She started dating a new woman, who is masc of center, and I am having some tough feelings when she comes home from a date.

There are two thoughts that come up and I am trying to connect them with emotions and work through them.

1. I believe this is possessive jealousy. I think about the meta talking to me about explicit details in their sex life to get a rise out of me, which makes me angry.
2. When she comes home (and this may also be possessive jealousy), I think about her body as tainted or with disgust, which makes me incredibly sad and angry at myself.

Any thoughts of coping strategies?
 
1. Don't engage in conversation with your meta about their sex life. If they try to talk with you about this, walk away.
2. This is going to take some really deep examination of your core values. Really dig deep into what your reasons for feeling this way are. You mention the new partner is masc...is this related to your reaction?
 
Hi. Thanks, Evie, for the response.

This first scenario is not actually happening, it's a fear fantasy response from me that takes over my thoughts.

Perhaps I feel more competitive with masc-of-center individuals because I am, as well, and it makes me think I am no longer needed or not as valued.
 
I don't know how helpful this will be, but I've never let that stop me commenting before.

Some things just are. As a queer person, there are going to be parts of your relationship that are more complex than your average heteronormative heterosexual. For the most part, there is little you can do about it on a wider scale.

Maybe you are more competitive against masc individuals because you've experienced the stigma and dismissal of queer relationships. There might be little you can do to change that "bug bear" into something that doesn't exist.

If that is the case, can you channel it? More specifically, can you channel it sexually? Can you turn that bugbear into something that feeds a dynamic, for instance, even if it's just sometimes?

I'll give an example:

A dominant-leaning lesbian woman with a bisexual partner who always plans a high-protocol session when they reconvene after said partner has seen male partners. It's fun for both of them, but helps the dominant woman deal with her niggles around her partner seeing men.

Or a submissive woman who always ramps up the ultra-femme submission when her Mistress returns from seeing her male partners, for similar reasons.

Basically, it is about accepting that your feelings are valid and potentially unchanging, but channeling them into positive interactions with your partner.
 
Perhaps I feel more competitive with masc-of-center individuals because I am, as well, and it makes me think I am no longer needed or not as valued.
Click to expand...

Is this the first time hinge is dating a woman who is masc-of-center besides you?

There's a lot of thinking you do that leads to ugh feelings:

  • I think about the meta talking to me about explicit details in their sex life to get a rise out of me, which makes me angry.
  • I think about her body as tainted or with disgust, which makes me incredibly sad and angry at myself.
  • Meta is masc-of-center, which makes me think I am no longer needed or not as valued.
The thing is, since these are things you think, you can learn to change your mind. You are able to identify these kinds of thoughts and the feelings they lead to. Those are good first steps.

I don't know if it would help any, but there's a "Feeling Good Handbook," a book by David Burns. You could check the library. It's also free online at:

archive.org

The feeling good handbook : Burns, David D : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive

xxxvi, 729 pages : 23 cm
archive.org

There's the short list from it here and tips and coping strategies for what to do about wonky thoughts.


If you needed a counselor to help you with these things, you could try that also.

Galagirl
 
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Hello grahsar,

Sorry to hear you're being faced with misogynistic thoughts. It sounds like a lot of your troubles are stemming from possessive jealousy. You need to rewire your brain so that another human being does not *belong* to you. It's like Sting says: "If you love someone, set them free."

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
grahsar said:
I am in a lesbian relationship with a partner of 7 years. She started dating a new woman, who is masc of center, and I am having some tough feelings when she comes home from a date.

There are two thoughts that come up and I am trying to connect them with emotions and work through them.

1. I believe this is possessive jealousy. I think about the meta talking to me about explicit details in their sex life to get a rise out of me, which makes me angry.
2. When she comes home (and this may also be possessive jealousy), I think about her body as tainted or with disgust, which makes me incredibly sad and angry at myself.

Any thoughts of coping strategies?
Click to expand...
Your thoughts are causing your feelings. You don't need coping strategies; you need to change what you are thinking that's FACTUAL instead of fantasy. Stop thinking things that aren't facts.

Have you met this person? Sometimes, simply meeting a person can help you stop putting them on a perfect pedestal. You see them as human and they become less of a threat.

Stop doing 1. It's not helpful and is strengthening your feelings of jealousy and possession. Find ways to distract yourself from those thoughts-- watch TV, play video games, do the things you are super into and set your mind on that. If you sway, it's okay. When you catch yourself, pull your thoughts to something else. Listen to music, sing if you like. Change your thoughts to something else.

As for 2, what thoughts are bringing this on? Whose voice are you hearing-- parents, family, friend, society, pastor? Usually this comes from something you learned growing up that's rooted in shame. Shame is tricky because it may show itself in many ways. You may feel angry and disgust that she doesn't feel shame about dating this person. Maybe you'd feel shame if it were you dating, and you are projecting that shame onto her. Or maybe you feel shame because the voice in your head is saying YOU are a terrible person for "letting" your partner date others and you are also projecting that onto them.

Only you can dive deep to find out where this is coming from, recognize it, own it, and change it.
 
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