Dealing with the breakdown fallout

[Hanky]

I also believe and know that both men and women can be each other's rocks in a relationship.

Do your own self-care first. Don't keep giving succor to someone who doesn't appreciate it. Certainly do not give your love, time and energy to someone who is saying "Nobody loves me! Boohoo!"

It's an effort to divorce, yes. But it takes a year or so and you're free. Then... no more wasting of your precious energy! Don't get stuck in the sunk cost fallacy.

You contradict your own words so I probably don’t even need to respond. You both are saying he should be vulnerable and weak with his partner. And then you turn around and saying she should consider leaving him because of his behavior.

I guess it’s okay for a man to be vulnerable and weak as long as it’s on your terms and your timetable for recovery?

It’s also worth making the distinction between vulnerability and weakness. Because you can be vulnerable without being weak. You both appear to accept his vulnerability, which is his situation of being hurt after a break up. That’s understandable I agree.

It is the mans weakness though, drowning in self pity, ignoring his wife’s needs, that you all acknowledge is break-up worthy behavior. And if you go back to my original post, you will see that I said vulnerability and weakness. But you are twisting my words around to mean something they aren’t while simultaneously acknowledging and demonstrating my point through your recommendations to the op.

 

[fuchka]

@Hanky I don't understand why you are fixated on men v women here.

I think it's unhealthy to rely on one person for *all* your romantic relationship and friendship needs. It's too much for one person esp if your partner's grief over a poly breakup is causing you pain due to how they are expressing their feelings.

@Soulseed sounds like the reasons for the hiatus/break up are are reasons you also find frustrating with your husband.

I'm glad you are doing the self care you need, moving to a separate room and telling him how you are feeling. He's got some work to do on his own self care and it does sound like it's beyond anyone else to help out.

 

[fuchka]

Ehhhhh.

The problem I see here is the unwillingness or inability of one person to take responsibility for their own stuff. If you want to call that "weakness" @Hanky fine. Strong / vulnerable / weak aren't precision terms.

Imo it's no shame to be weak, we aren't always strong all the time. But we do need to acknowledge our weaknesses and be willing to work on them. Make an effort.

And you're right, sometimes a person's self development doesn't happen on a timeline that works for another person. Everyone has their own needs and sometimes the timing / compatibility just isn't there.

What I want in a partner is someone willing to own up to the stuff that's their stuff, call me out on my stuff, and have mutual respect with me.

In an ideal dyad we are both putting work into creating an environment that supports the other person's growth. Give and take as GG (I think) said above. It doesn't have to be symmetrical but it needs to be sustainable and yes, sometimes it might become unsustainable for one person.

 

[Hanky]

I actually said, "I hope he pulls his shit together soon, for both of your sakes." Which has quite a different nuance than Hanky states.

Well I have been around for a minute and I have never seen you take that tone or use that language about a woman who is struggling. Jus sayin

 

[Evie]

Well I have been around for a minute and I have never seen you take that tone or use that language about a woman who is struggling. Jus sayin

It happens when antipodeans talk to each other, usually I'm communicating just with northern hemisphere people I don't swear since it has a different impact up there, clearly.

 

[Magdlyn]

Ehhhhh.

The problem I see here is the unwillingness or inability of one person to take responsibility for their own stuff. If you want to call that "weakness" @Hanky fine. Strong / vulnerable / weak aren't precision terms.

Imo it's no shame to be weak, we aren't always strong all the time. But we do need to acknowledge our weaknesses and be willing to work on them. Make an effort.

And you're right, sometimes a person's self development doesn't happen on a timeline that works for another person. Everyone has their own needs and sometimes the timing / compatibility just isn't there.

What I want in a partner is someone willing to own up to the stuff that's their stuff, call me out on my stuff, and have mutual respect with me.

In an ideal dyad we are both putting work into creating an environment that supports the other person's growth. Give and take as GG (I think) said above. It doesn't have to be symmetrical but it needs to be sustainable and yes, sometimes it might become unsustainable for one person.

I made the give and take comment.